Tag Archive | Blind Faith

Late Night Ramblings of 2011: The Fear of God…

Right…not quite sure how to start this one so I’m just going to start typing on my HTC Thunderbolt keyboard. (Product Placement)

To say, I’ve had a bad week is like saying the late Ms. Winehouse had a slight drug problem. So we aren’t going to pretend that mentally I’m in a good place right now. In fact, I can honestly say I’ve never felt this NUMB before in my life.

Which brings me to the title of this blog. I’m afraid of God. Not in the way a “Good Christian” should be, but instead in the way a person who has never had a relationship with God would be. My struggles with my own faith notwithstanding, I currently find myself in a place where I am afraid to have hope. Afraid to think positive thoughts about anything that I am encountering at this point in my life.

When I was growing up, I believed in God and Jesus becuz I was told to. My mother took me to church every Sunday, and I always had the longest Easter Speeches. But I didn’t really believe any of it. I just went with the flow.  As I got older, I started to wonder if Christians really knew what they were talking about. My relationship with a God is going though some tough times right now.

I’m not perfect, this I know. I’ve done some foul things in the name of making myself feel better. Used stolen credit card numbers to buy books, stolen money so that I wasn’t the poor kid at school, forged signatures to get my way{….this list isn’t much longer than that….} But in real life, my goal has always been to help others. To bring joy into their lives, and have a positive impact.

So as I sat in Jail last Thursday night, I wondered to this God that everyone worships and adores, Why Me? Why did this happen to me? When am I  going to be done paying for my past sins, and get to live a life of happiness. This plea, seemingly, went unheard. And even while I am typing this, a part of me is afraid that me saying these things is going to cause this unknown God to come get me again.

I need my life to change. I need to get to a place where there isn’t fear around every corner. Fear of God. Fear of saying the wrong thing to the right person, and losing another job. Fear of being rejected again and again by people who shouldn’t matter but do. Fear of asking people for help because of what they might think of me. Fear of living in the same poverty in which I was raised. Fear that one day, someone will really understand how lost I really am…

But most of all, I’m afraid to hope. To make a wish so that it might come true. I’m afraid to want success, to want to be happy, for fear of punishment from a crime I don’t even know that I committed. I’m so TIRED of being afraid of everything, and feeling nothing all at the same time.

I’m just so TIRED.

Every morning that I wake up is a great day. I am thankful to be alive, I just kinda wish I was enjoying my life, instead of just living it. This is of course coming from a person who USED TO love being alone. Since Thursday, I can’t stand being any place without someone around.

I want that to go away too. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, without having flashbacks of sitting in a police car, or being handcuffed, or wearing prisoner orange.

And I really want to stop being afraid of a God that I barely even believe in.

Words and Sounds of my Life Vol VII: In Due Time

Just Keep Your Faith in Me, don’t act impatiently

You’ll get where you need to be, In Due Time.

Even when things are slow, Hold On and Don’t Let Go,

I’ll give you what I owe, In Due Time . . . .

I couldn’t find a song last night, that would best describe how I was feeling.  My Lil sis called me, and I couldn’t help her, because I was feeling some kind of way, about everything that was going on in my head.  So many thoughts and feelings, so much stuff that I was trying to process, and I just couldn’t deal.  But This Morning . . .

Oh Lord This Morning . . .

Someone’s status message took me right there.  I’m mad because things didn’t go my way.  That all my best laid plans didn’t work out.  I should be mad that I forgot I wasn’t in control.  It’s when I start planning things, that everything goes wrong.  I might not be a Jesus Freak, but I know that God is the Head of my Life.  So if he is, what am I doing get mad because I didn’t get my way? OBVIOUSLY, It wasn’t supposed to go that way.

Struggling’s just a part of my day
Many obstacles have been placed in my way
I know the only reason that I make it through
Is because I never stop believing in you

When I was Younger, I made things happen.  Not in a magical wand, crazy witch girl kind of way, but in the literal sense.  My classmates used to hate me, because I always got my way.  I would just SAY I wanted something to happen and it did.  Why? Because I had that kind of Faith.  I had mustard seed Faith, the blind Faith that comes before life tragedies, and life changes, and heartbreak.  The Kind of Faith that can get things done.

My Life got difficult when I started doubting my place in the world.  When I let other people tell me what I was capable of.  What I was Worthy of. When I let things other than my Faith influence my life choices.

Some people wonder why we’re here in the 1st place?
They can’t believe because they ain’t never seen your face
But even when you pray, the next day you gotta try
Can it wait 4 nobody 2 come down out the sky

No, I never expected it to fall into my lap.  I just expected it to happen.  The Secret isn’t actually a Secret . . . it’s Faith.  It’s hard to have Faith, when you look around you and can’t see where your life path is leading you.  But that is what BLIND FAITH means.  Trusting some kind of higher power to be there for you and guide you when you are lost.  Crazy thing, I’m not Lost . . . Just took a wrong turn.

You’ve got to realize that the world’s a test
You can only do your best and let him do the rest
You’ve got your life, you’ve got your health
So quit procrastinating and push it yourself

“Everything for a reason . . . ” I said that like 400 times yesterday, to justify something that didn’t go my way.  But it’s true.  Every experience I have ever had has helped me get to where I am now.  So yes, I’m kinda disappointed, but I will Live.  Because that is what the lord put me on this earth to do.

And Everything Will Get to Me . . . . In Due Time.