Tag Archive | Boobs

Feelings are NOT Facts . . .

It’s that thing when you have so much you need to say, and you can’t think of a clever way to say it.  I try to make my blogs cute and funny, but also reflective fo my current or past struggles.  Sadly, I’m in a place right now when I FEEL like anything I would have to say is going to offend or hurt someone’s feelings. This is going to be a cacophony of thoughts.  Then, I’ll try to bring it all together at the end okay.  Lets Go . . .

1) I’m Flattered But . . .

Recently, a guy from my past popped up out of nowhere.  We went to the same church when we were younger.  Due to my perpetual status as on outsider, we didn’t have much interaction.  He was cute, but he didn’t talk to me, probably because I was the awkward fat girl.  For some reason, he’s intent on convincing me that I am the one person he needs to make his life better.  Except, he’s doing it all wrong!

If you have to beg me to pay attention to you, you aren’t worth my time. Conversely, I shouldn’t be worth yours. The minute a girl says to you, I’m not ready for a relationship, believe her!  My aversion to anything that looks like a relationship aside, why are you trying so hard? And who told you the way to a woman’s heart was begging? Like, thanks for paying attention to me 20 years later . . . but no thanks.

Underneath this new – more curvy, less chunky – figure I am the SAME awkward Fat Girl from the Teen Choir.  I haven’t changed at all.  I said when I started losing weight, the men who started paying attention to me {but didn’t give me the time of day when I was at my largest} would be the first men to get told off.  Because I don’t care what kind of society we live in . . .If you didn’t like me at my ‘worst’, Fuck you Very Much at my very Best.

2) I’m In Love with Another Man . . . 

First of all, let me just say Jazmine Sullivan took my WHOLE entire existence with this song when I first heard it 3+ years ago.  But the words are ringing true to me currently. What’s crazy is, I’m not in love with a specific person.  I’m in Love with an image.  It’s the image I’ve cultivated over the last few years of what/who I’m looking to spend the rest of my life with.

I’m in Love with my Best Friend.  I don’t even know if I could be attracted to someone I didn’t trust with all my secrets FIRST.  Sexual Attraction is such a great idea….But it’s not gonna keep me warm in the middle of the night.  It’s not going to buy me Hello Kitty accessories because they saw them while they were out. I’m looking for the guy who knows my mood based soley on the Spotify Playlist playing while I’m washing dishes.

The person you should end up with, in my very humble opinion, is the person you think about when bad shit happens.  It’s the first person you call when you need to cry (more on that later).  Its the person whose face you know would make you feel safe.  In all of my relationship travels, there have been very few people that I’ve thought had the potential to be that person for me. 

Of course, my track record with falling in love with my Best Friend hasn’t gone so well in the past . . .

 3) WE, are Never Ever, Ever, Getting Back Together . . . 

In the same vein . . . I’m really tired of people telling me how I should feel about my Ex.  I’ve decided I’m allowed to hate him whenever I want to.  I am allowed to love him whenever I want to. I am allowed to miss him whenever I want to.  I want to be able to say I don’t ever want to see him again, and that be okay.  The Happy I Felt when we were together is something I should say I want again in my life.  But I don’t want that.  Ever.  Because if you have it, you can lose it.

Losing it almost broke me.  Few people I was on the verge of Suicide when I moved back to Michigan. *Well, now everyone knows I guess* I left AZ because the stress of knowing he was so close and yet so far was getting to me.  Staying in AZ gave me a false sense of hope.  I’ve learned that Hope should only apply to Barack Obama and the Dreams of Suckers. {10pts if you get this movie reference}

I don’t want to EVER see him again.  I don’t want to hear his voice, or smell him, or listen to his favorite song. I don’t even like seeing pictures of him.  Because 1st, I remember the Happy.  But IMMEDIATELY after that, I remember the Sad.  And that Sad almost took me out.

See how my thoughts don’t make any sense.  Those three things I just posted, in complete conflict with each other.  But Wait, there’s more…

4) Being Honest Is Hard

I’ve stopped telling people stuff I think might hurt their feelings.  I’ve stopped making statements that might offend ‘outsiders.’ Now, I do have a circle of friends who accept everything that comes out of my mouth.  But . . . even amongst some of my “Close” Friends, I don’t say what I think.  I think being in social work has stunted my emotional freedom.

I used to ‘react’ quickly to things that offended me.  I used to stand up for myself when I felt slighted.  I don’t do that anymore either.  That could be the result of being told my feelings don’t matter.  It could be because my feelings are never validated, because they don’t go along with the desired emotional direction of “The Team.”  But whatever has caused this emotional retardation that has made me sensitive to everyone but me, it’s time out for that shit.

  5) Stop being a Baby

I cry too fucking much.  Like, I spent a SOLID 28 years, never crying.  We are talking maybe one ugly cry a year.  Since 2010, I swear I’ve cried on average 4 times a month.  Like, I cry watching tv shows.  I cry watching movies.  I cry listening to music.  I cry during phone conversations.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Crying is for weak people, who can’t suck it up and deal with what life hands them. This crying all the damn time thing isn’t even something I would have ever thought I would go through.  *Boy, was that Psychic Wrong*  I still handle problems and get shit done.  But it’s fucking embarrassing.  Everyone shouldn’t see my tears.  They haven’t earned the right to see me this vulnerable. I’m starting to think I should have gone to therapy once I moved back to Michigan.  I might be in a better place emotionally.

So Yeah, that’s it for now.  I doubt this makes any sense.  I don’t really think it was meant to.  But I put it all out there, so that’s something right?

Picture it: Ohio, Summer of 2006 or . . . The Good Ole’ Days

Best Album of 2006

When this album came out, my life changed.  I don’t mean that in the metaphorical sense.  I mean my entire life changed.  I had just recently moved out of my mother’s house, and into my first apartment that wasn’t paid for my Sallie Mae.  I was living in a beautiful apartment, and I was losing a best friend.  The Summer of 2006 taught me what kind of person I should be, and who in my life was important.

The first time I heard this song I thought, “Well, that’s a new sound for Cee-Lo.” Then all of a sudden it was EVERYWHERE! Every commercial about a new product, every reality tv show, every radio station (white or black.) It was like the second of Christ for some people when they heard this song.  But the reason this album still means so much to me is the memories this song represents.  The moments where everyone told me I was being irresponsible with my time, and it didn’t seem to phase me. A time in my life where my biggest worry was working 4-9hour shifts at work so I could take half of friday off and drive to Dayton and/or Columbus.

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

I used to be (and kinda still am) the epitome of Living Paycheck To Paycheck.  I traveled every two weeks, on a Friday that’s I got paid.  I would spend about $300 in one weekend, then come back and take care of bills.  But it was worth it!  Keep in mind, this was before Facebook, (yes I’m that old) and all we had was MySpace. I wrote blogs everyday, and we sent emails during the work day to plan out our weekends of debauchery. For a while, it’s was just traveling the state of Ohio to attended various Pride events.  The real fun began during the 4th of July Weekend.

Please Notice the AMOUNT of liquor on the Entertainment Center

Please Notice the AMOUNT of 

liquor on the Entertainment Center

The Summer of 2006 is the last time I drank on a daily basis.  The amount of money we all spent on liquor and food was just . . . Thank God my Uncle was having his annual invite everyone you know BBQ.  So we ate for free that weekend . . . more $ for Liquor! When we weren’t having random photo shoots, we were walking around malls harassing strangers.  And the whole time, St. Elsewhere was playing in the background.

This is not to say there weren’t some dark times that Summer. There was that one time when this chick tried to kill herself and we had to call the cops to go find her. And in that same weekend, we all decided to get “Frivolous White Girl Tattoos.” That summer a marriage ended, and my roommate moved out leaving me alone with a $849 a month rent (because she was in love with her boyfriend). *it should be noted my former roommate is now happily married to this man*

Blogging about how much fun we were having . . .

Blogging about how much fun we were having . . .

The ups and downs of Summer 2006 are why I love thinking about that summer, because everyday brought something different. I think I wrote like 12 blogs a month.  I was in a place where everything meant something.  Every experience meant something life changing.  I was so damn EMO that Summer.  This was the first time I had to worry about money, and having enough of it.  I didn’t have my mom to borrow money from every other day. 

I <3 Cuz she cooks for me!

I ❤ Her cuz she cooks for me!

How can you hear that song and NOT want to make new friends in public.  While dressed provocatively. And slightly drunk.  I mean really. The majority of the Summer of 2006 . . . was FUN.  I mean like crying laughing type of fun.  For every tear shed in sadness, there were 1000’s shed while rolling around laughing on the floor.   It’s the summer I met The Girl, and she made me the greatest fried Chicken I’ve ever had. She is the reason (while 100% sober) I wrote this little song:

Ode to Chicken

(To the Tune of Ode To Joy)

Chicken, Chicken, It’s Delicious
Love to eat it everyday!
Chicken, Cook it, Fry It, Love It,
Chicken, eat it Everyday!

Chicken, Chicken, I love Chicken
Chicken, it’s been good to me . . .
Chicken, Chicken, Finger Lickin’
Chicken brings me Ecstasy!

You don’t know you are happy until you look back at it.  But MAN, I was so happy that summer.  I did what I wanted to do, without fear of what people would think of me.  In my mind, my actions didn’t effect anyone but me.  There was no such thing as a repercussion.  That’s the summer I learned that Love has not age limit or sexual orientation.  It’s just love. The usual end of Summer is celebrated Labor Day Weekend. And Celebrate it we did! The Blog Title for that weekend: Liquor, A Smelly Cat, 2 Bathroom Orgys, a Spanish Serenade, and  A Gay Chicken. *please click that, it’s worth the read*

I don't even remember TAKING this picture

I don’t even remember TAKING this picture

The most enduring part of Summer 2006. . . The memories I didn’t get a chance to write about, because I was having too much fun.  It’s the songs we sang at the top of our lungs while driving up & down the highway. It’s the outfits we coordinated the day after labor day, because they were all white, and we don’t give a damn about your rules.  It’s the fact that every picture we took that summer had us in the same order. It’s every mile we put on my leased car.  It’s every bottle of liquor we finished, that ended in laughter and merriment. . . And strangely, the Blog I wrote as a tribute to the people who made it so great still stands!

Shout-out to The Girl: For  making me get off my ass and go to arts and crafts.  For being such an incredible person, a loving person, and the Ambassador of Let’s Make it All okay.  People like her make it a better place in this world, so shout outs to you, for making an emotional breakdown not last as long as it could have . . .

Shout-outs to Aaliyah: Who refuses to back down, who lives her life the way she wants to, regardless. To love, in it’s many shapes and forms, in old pictures, and drunken almost fights, and passing out in Paris, and other random shit, to happiness.  To a love that will never die, even if we are separated for like 3 years cuz of stupid girls, you will forever be my little sister, and it will always be my right, do tell you what i think is best for you, lol. . .

Shou-tout to the Word FUCK: To being able to use it and express pure emotion, to making it work in any situation, to being able to yell it in a car, and make someone listen to the words you are trying to say to them . . .

Shout-out to Diamond: To giving the Best Damn Hugs EVER, even though they weren’t appreciated the way they should have been.  To knowing that things change, and people change, but fuck anyone else that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.  To hoping that she finds her happy place, inside her self, and to hoping that she knows that regardless of everything else that happened, will happen, or is happening right now, she will always be my wife . . .

When was the last time you danced?

2011 in Review: The World of @ImNotAJeaux

Last year, I created a list of quotes on my FB Page, based on things I had seen/heard/done. I obviously stole the idea from my Frat Brother Kevin, but I still did it.  This year, instead of quotes, I am going to list the Tweets that I Favorited this year. As with the quotes, no names will be posted (Unless I said It, or it was a response to a Celeb), just the tweets.  It’s up to you to guess who said it, and in what context.  Enjoy!


Word of the year from my dad: It’s not about gettin your Dick of Coochie on.  Get yourself in order

You ever be on Wikipedia and see a dudes name and be like, “Damn I’ve seen that nigga naked?” Yeah, Me neither . . . 0_o

Listening to John Cry Baby Boenher’s Speech . . . It sounds like, “Blah blah blah, defeat the nigger.  Blah Blah Blah, kick his ass”

RT @Tyrese Food is todays crack heroin&every other drug out there. There is NO DIFFERENT when you can’t STOP YOURSELF • ur Retard is showing

If I ever go to the clink, fuck Jordans and Magazines, BTICH SEND ME SOME OLAY. With the Body Butter ribbons

Dear Airport workers. I’m fat. You have Body Scan . . . Sorry. BWHAHAHAHA

I just farted in the line at the grocery store. Old white dude standin behind me.  Gonna do it again

Her: I’ve on fuzzy socks, sweatpants, nite shirt, hoodie, throw blanket, and a comforter & I’m still cold Me: bitch, U have Herpes her: Oh ok

I’m not a whore, I just have a friendly Pussy

I was thinking of faking being a douche to trick a female into liking me. But then she’d leave once I held the door for her.


Kid1: Who is this singing? Me: TLC Kid2: The Learning Channel has a singing group? Me: Son of a gotdammit…just fuck

Then again . . . this is Twitter. Where I’m either preaching tot he choir or offending people

That’s because you work with nigger babies. I have Caucasian and Hispanic Children, half of them don’t understand slang

Hell, fuck a Senator. I’m just glad I’m a fat black lady. I got that “Mammy Safe Chest” thing going, it keeps me safe.

Once you go black . . . you’re a single mom.

Don’t be made at me and her.  Shoulda joined a sorority that gave u a backbone instead of feeding you neckbones -_-

Dear Koolaid, How does it feel to the official drink of an Entire Nationality.  Black People thank you. Sincerely, Me

Clearly y’all (The Zetas) need to recruit the First Lady, u know cuz she’s big on getting rid of Obesity Me:BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The front-facing camera may well be the end of ugly chicks gettin play off their phone voice.

Waiting for the announcement of the Breezy/Bieber tour w/ Special Guests Jaden & Willow Smith….. I would buy tickets, iWould #TeamBreezy

Far East Movement: the only music group withOUT groupies cuz of the Dick Rumors

Her: u hate him why Me: He kicked her dog! No one deserves to get beat unless their name is Rihanna, but who is kicking dogs tho Her: IHateU

Him: Do we call White Jesus on the mainline, Or is that black Jesus Me: indian Jesus  answers the mainline, outsourcing

$5 on Ciara because Ms. Island crazy is all talk, but clearly got her ass beat by a dude driving a stick shift • #SheGetsMe

RiRi probably said the same shyt before Breezy rearranged her face… #imjussayin • EXACTLY. I stay tellin folk she provoked

Obviously, Rihanna can take a beating and keep on ticking so…… • You Ain’t Shit At All

RT @rihanna Ciara baby, I love u girl! U hurt my feelings real bad on TV! I’m heartbroken! That’s y I retaliated this way!• #SheAintShit

And the war of SubPar singers just got deeper….Beyonce is drinking melted gold with Gwenyth singing Fuck You with Jigga and Chris laughing

If @rihanna & @Ciara really do fight it better be in baby oil & cost $12.99 for 3 hrs. Other than that they both can STFU (it needs 2Happen)

RT @ciara Rhi u know its always been love since day 1! Apology accepted. Let’s chat in person • you dumb bitch. She was being SARCASTIC

I know we all have our issues….but twitter is NOT the place to beg your parents/Significant Others/Friends to love you. Get A Blog.

Adele is like, i’m fat & redheaded & i smoke & i wear side ponytails & bitch you will bow to my musical flawlessness • THIS

Bitches get sensitive about dumb inconsequential shit. I feel like saying, Shut Up Heaux, he just said Hi

Months? You bleed for months.. and don’t die? #WolverineTweet • Im what u call a strong heaux

RT @OMGFacts Lady Gaga wrote her new single “Born This Way” in ten minutes!. • yeah, we could tell…

I like to imagine that pretty women don’t take shits. They excrete sunshine, blueberry muffins, and good credit.

I don’t understand how Nate Dogg didn’t have money for his funeral? Holdddd up. Waiiiiiiiiiiit….

Dear Dwayne, Seriously, I just wanna lick your tattoos. Twice. And maybe call u Daddy. But that’s it. Sincerely, A Fan.

Oh. Yeah. He’s got the opposite of the jungle fever – uhh…the cul-de-sac cold? • #HeAintShyt but iLaughed..

#Random I feel like horn players probably give REALLY good head. Like good breathing control, lip and tongue control…I’m probably right

Can’t keep up w/ u & ur nicknames & acronyms, that’s like keeping up with the latest nigger words for “Dressed quite spiffy”

FOX News gone be like, “This has nothing to do with Pres Obama, he died of Kidney Failure.” – Thanks to @Luvvieig I was twitter famous for hours for this one!

I just realized I have no clue about negro “holidays”. Do we barbecue on Juneteenth? Do we get tested for Diabetes on Sweetest Day?

So Cinco de May is like Juneteenth for those spicy people, no??

Its not secret RT @ImNotAJeaux Why is LeBron almost as much of a Bitch as Kobe. Is there a secret Bitch Basketball Players club?

Shit said over the phone: I’ve had many a dick in my mouth

Men my age think their girlfriend should be a Heauxtrepreneur. A heaux in the bedroom, & an independent women everywhere else

If I point out a character flaw in u, its cuz U don’t seem 2 kno its there. I kno I’m fucked up. This is how I’m superior.

I don’t even know Ebe, but my credit score dropped 6 points just typing her name

You Bear In The Big Blue House looking, Avon makeup wearing, wet, wild and willy looking BITCH.

For all yall Captain Save a Clown Face Hoe.. Notice the person cunt punting Ebe’s hijab aint got SHIT to do with FGS..

If this is a ploy to get me to spend more money on extra sauces, yall can get the McFuck outta here wit that @McDonalds.

#Fact I predict baby Jayoncé will be born sometime between January 4th and February 4th. Also, its twins. Jayoncé and Beyen. #MarkMyWords

Floyd might be an asshole…but I wanna lick his teeth tho. They so pretty.

Don’t judge me. His teeth look like they taste like Wintergreen and Wealth.

Ray J will get arrested on a weapons charge within 3 months….favorite this

Me: Oral sex in moving vehicle is the reason our economy has collapsed Him: ?? Me: Cuz the need to have that happen on a regular basis is why white men got greedy.

Her: Clearly you’re smarter than the average….Zeta. Me: You could have said Bear, as those words are synonymous Her & Me: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fat girls be having such pretty faces and awesome personalities• u forgot huge boobs and well lubricated vaginas

that’s right, you speak Oklahoma Negro. Lemme try again: gunshot, tornado, tumbleweed rustle, gunshot, icebox, intolerance.


You better get you a jaded older woman with a career, at least 4 digits before the decimal point each check, and a high libido.

Justin Beiber is 2 years away from neck tattoos, domestic abuse, and possession charges…favorite this tweet


Yes, that was My Year, in Tweets.  The Introspective Blog is coming . . . I Just Needed a Laugh for right now!

Save a Horse – Ride a Big Girl

*For the Purposes of this Blog, the term Big Girl refers to any female who wears Size 14 and Above.  Her thighs touch, she might have a stretch mark or two, but she is still DAMN SEXY.*

Let keep it real folks.  Big Girls get a bad rep. We are portrayed in the Media as either Loud and Boisterous (Mo’Nique) Stern and Motherly (Ester Rolle) or as a Judge (Every Version of Law and Order). It’s about time a Big Girl kept it real about why we are the best girlfriend you’ve never had.  This isn’t going to be a me pleading our case, instead, I am just gonna tell you what you need to know about the Big Girls of the World. Some folks may not agree with me, and that’s fine.  But as a Big Girl, I get to say this with Pride . . . Big Girls Rule!

Fact: Big doesn’t Mean Ugly.

Just because we actually have meat on our bones doesn’t mean we aren’t attractive.  You can be beautiful at any size, regradless of what society says.  There is a common misconception that just because you might be fat, means you are also dirty.  We shower.  We bathe. We probably take better care of ourselves than that skinny chick you’re dating.  We have just as much sexy clothing as the next girl, ours just looks better.  Tell me men, does a halter top look better on 32 B’s or on 40 DD’s. Keep  in mind, there are some big girls that think just because Lane Bryant or Torrid sells it, they should own it. {We aren’t talking about the musty Big Girl at the club.}

Fact: Most Big Girls Have a Job

We have needs.  Our clothes cost more than the scraps of clothing that Becky wears, so we work to get what we need.  Because we have to deal with the knowledge that people aren’t going to automatically choose to cater to us, we have to hone our skill set.  We are probably on the fast rack to advance in our career, because we handle our business.  Big/Fat doesn’t mean lazy.  We probably don’t need you to pay for anything {Hair, Nails, etc.} because when you met us, it was already taken care of. Plus, we know how to cook.  HELLO!!!!!! The Big Girl you meet that doesn’t know how to cook a full course meal is a failure. At Life, At Fatness, and at relationships.

Fact: Some Big Girls don’t have Self-Esteem Issues

We know we have it together.  We don’t need you to tell us how important we are to you every other minute.  We Like Us. We aren’t fragile creatures who will break at the littlest things.  Matter of Fact, it takes alot to get us to that point.  {For those of us who have been Big the majority of our lives, you really can’t come with anything that we haven’t already had to deal with.} Our self-confidence often borders on arrogance.  In our minds, I am just as great as anyone else, and if you have an issue with it, you can just move the F*ck on.

Fact: Your Heat Bill will Go Down

Stop Laughing! Seriously, Big Girls love to Cuddle! You have your own Electric Blanket! It’s like a human Snuggie.  Real Talk, some Big Girls just exude heat, you don’t even have to be that close to us.  We just wanna sit on the couch and hang out.  We don’t have to put our head in your lap.  Honestly, it would probably be more comfortable if you put your head in our lap. Plus, it’s gonna be rare that you accidentally get poked in the side by a bony elbow or knee. Lay your head on my pillows . . . and just relax, relax, relax . . .

Fact: The Sex is Better

If you take nothing else from this blog, understand this. Sex is Better with a Big Girl.  There are many reasons this is true, but lets just focus on three major points.

1) Flexibility: We are more flexibile, and less likely to be injured during the act.  “More Cushion for the Pushing,” it ain’t just a saying.  I’m not just saying this from personal experience, I have many male friends who are dating/engaged to/married to Big Girls, and they all say the same thing, “Best Sex I’ve Ever Had.”

2) Oral Skill: I’m gonna try to not be vulgar on this one.  But think about it logically.  It’s safe to say, your average Big Girl has a well developed sense of taste.  As the mouth is the most sensitive area on the body, we get pleasure from placing things inside of it, right? So doesn’t it stand to reason that anything placed inside our mouth would gain as much pleasure as we would gain from putting it inside there? #ImJustSayin

3) Sex Drive: Stamina and Frequency. We require both.  I’m willing to bet you will get tired before a Big Girl will.  Again, this is not based on my opinion, but on conversations with numerous people.  Skinny chicks will start to complain about their Pelvic Bones hurting, and they think they pulled a muscle when you slammed them up against the wall . . . Big Girls say, “Is That It?”

I didnt write this blog to boost my already enormous ego. Nor did I write so that some man would magically fall in love with me. I wrote it because I’m real tired of Big Girls getting the short end of the stick. Everybody needs love, and if the only reason you wont talk to the Big Girl in your office is because you arent sure what your boy is going to say about it, Grow The F*ck Up.

When you call to ask his advice, he wont pick up. The Big Girl he met at the club this weekend just made some Ox Tails and Pinto Beans and is giving him the bomb ass….

………………………………..He’ll Call You Later

RNS (c)AK Vol. 16 – No Seriously, I Am Better Than You….

*Author’s Note: I wrote this entire blog by hand today, during the world’s worst training.  It was the only thing that kept me awake*

When D. Hayes {http://redgumbo.wordpress.com} and I originally created this phrase, it was a tool to adequately describe how we looked at the outside world.  We had both come to the conclusion that we had to be doing something right.  But how did we know how to be on top, and certain folks just weren’t getting it.  When we first started using the phrase, some people took it as a joke.  Many people took it to mean that we were bragging about ourselves.  However, IMO, the phrase is self explanatory.  You should take it literally.  I am, in all honesty, Better Than You.

Nine Times out of Ten, I am going to be Smarter, Classier, and More Accomplished than you.  I have done more in 28 years, than some people will accomplish in their entire life.  The intended purpose of this blog is not to brag about my greatness, but instead to inspire you to step your game up.  Because the MINUTE you are Better than Me, – I WILL take it to the next level – and again be able to say, I am Better than You.

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

As I continue to evolve as a woman, the people who I surround myself with will change.  People come in and out of your life for a reason.  But the core of these people, the thing that makes me want to know more about them is going to stay the same. We Know Who We Are.  We are confident in the path that we are taking.  Our time is spent heading toward some kind of goal.  This is not to say that we won’t falter, or lose our way occasionally.  But you can be assured that we will find our way back to where we’re supposed to be, and continue to make you feel like you should step your game up.

The problem with having this often internal confidence is that you might encounter a “Poser.”  One who knows what to say, because they have spent time observing you and your counterparts.  They can talk to the talk, but when it comes down to it, they utterly fail at walking the walk.

IF one lives by the “I Am Better Than You” Credo:

  1. Said person doesn’t have to damage the life/reputation of another, because THEIR life/reputation speaks for itself.
  2. Said person’s popularity is not based on a group of people and how they relate to the outside world.
  3. Said person’s popularity is not based on the favors/information/gifts they give/receive to/from others.

So Remember . . . Before You Use the Phrase .  .  .  . Live The Phrase

I’m Not Perfect, But I’m Still Better Than You

My Life has been pretty much an open book since I discovered MySpace. I blogged about everything that happened, and even things that didn’t.  I don’t have a problem admitting my flaws.  I really don’t care what you think about what I do.  But even in my imperfection, I’m Pretty Fucking Awesome.  With every failure I have learned, and grown, and become better.

I don’t always make the right decisions, but when I DO make the right decision, it’s a beautiful thing.  Even when I make the wrong decision, I come out on top.  Why? Because I Am Better than You.  I don’t let one failure take me out.  If I can turn that failure into a win, I will.  If I have to take one to the chin, I will.

The difference between Me and You . . . .  Motivation.

My Motivation, the reason that I wake up in the morning, is to be Better than You.  Your motivation is to be the prettiest, the most popular, well loved, richest person in the world. WHY?!?! If you have all that, but there is someone better than you, you still ain’t shit.  I’m Just Sayin . . . .

Yes, I am the Bigger Person . . . and that makes me Better Than You

We can use that term literally if you would like.  I’m bigger than you, I could suffocate you with my left boob Paula.  {The Girls are named Paula and Dean – as they provide hours of enjoyment, and could feed the world 🙂 } But beyond that, I have a tad bit more Couth than You.  For my FB Old Heads, you already know that FGS Summer ’07 is often imitated, but will never be duplicated.  We were a rare breed.  Assholes with a heart.  Yes, we would talk all about you on FB, on the walls, in notes, in status messages but with the exception of that BMN Otis, it never got personal.

People are on that newness in 2010.  The Skype Mafia is running around all willy nilly.  Watching the Tweets, and talking to people who can’t even see them.  What makes it even more interesting, is that the Soldier who was asked to put out the hit doesn’t even know why the beef exists anyway.  Because I am the Bigger Person, I haven’t opened my mouth. But keep playing with me, and Imma go straight Elliot Ness on all of yall . . . .

Even though My Life didn’t start out  Better than Yours . . .

I Can Still Be Better Than You

IMO, I had a rough childhood.  According to GID, my childhood was a cake-walk.  You can only aspire to what you are exposed to.  So, I might not know who Bach is, or be able to send Bill Gates an email when I feel like it, but I will figure out a way to.  The Mindset of  “I Am Better Than You” teaches us that even if I didn’t come from your world, that doesn’t mean I don’t belong there.

Judge not my past, instead observe my present and prepare yourself for my future. I might just be using you as a stepping stone. “Any idiot can string together words from the dictionary and sound intelligent,” it’s those that can define those words and then apply them to their life that make a difference.

You might think all of this is Bull.  You might think I am saying this to cover up for some insecurities I have about my life, and the path I have taken.  You are free to make whatever assumption you would like.  But while you are discussing my deep-seated issues, I’m figuring out how to tangibly prove, I Am Better Than You.

Late Night Ramblings #3: Why I’m Really Single

This began as a twitter rant and I wanted to share it on FB as well…

The insecurity that comes from being attracted to someone often leaves me in an emotional state that makes me dislike myself. On one hand….I know my personal worth and I acknowledge my short comings as well.

But becuz I am often attracted to men of a higher caliber than I deem myself, I always feel that I fall short.

There is a reason I have only slept with men I don’t respect/admire/care for ir anything but a sexual level. There is no possibility of rejection becuz in my eyes I am probably either in their level or above it.

The few men I have been attracted to intellectually hve intimidated me to such an extent (through no fault or action on their part that I choose to remain friends with them rather than face the possibility of rejection.

So my Single Black Woman status is actually based on Fear than personal choice.

Which is to actually say I hve choose Fear over Happiness in the past……


Confessions of a Single Black Female Volume 8: The Definition of a Heaux – A Tutorial

I have been formulating this note for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when my darling Brother in Blue, Esoteric Eric wrote my note!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Click here for his note<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

No Promo

Of course, his Note is from the Male Perspective. But it’s important to have two different views on the same subject. This blog was originally going to be written after I realized that the size of my breasts made certain people think I was easy. Then I was going to write it when a guy approached me in the club and said I was sexy, “For a Biggun.” Both time, I wasn’t able to be objective. However, since my move to the desolate wasteland that is 11 months without appropriate male contact, I am more than able to state my thoughts on the subject. {The Globetrotter doesn’t count folks, it was soooooo wrong}

To Heaux or not To Heaux, That is the Question

For starters, there are many different kinds of heauxs. We use the spelling Heaux to make it seem a tab bit more elegant, but we mean Hoe, Ho’, and all other variations of that word. Today, we are going to touch on 5 different types of Heauxs. While my opinion might differ from yours, these findings are based on years of observation and interaction with Heauxs. Keep in mind, Heauxs are EVERYWHERE. The first Heaux we are going to tackle, The Club Heaux.

The Club Heaux The Club Heaux is a myth. She presents herself as put together, and about her business. But her only business is making sure she can get a man, or your man, to take care of her. She will never buy a drink for herself, never cook you a meal, never pay to get into the club. But, she does have a Phat Ass. She knows all the bartenders, bouncers, and DJ’s. She always has a free ticket to every sporting event, and can give you a list of famous and infamous people she has been with.

Strengths: Wearing Clothes but looking Naked, Drinking whole bottles of Moscato in less than 5 minutes, Swallowing an entire Sprite Can.

Weaknesses: Can’t keep a Job, Will take your Man, Will take your Girl, Thinks she’s a model

Role Models: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Tila Tequilla

All Hail the Queen
The Aging HeauxThe Aging Heaux is a bit of a puzzle. Back in the day, she was the best of the Club Heauxs. But 30 came and went, and she had to take her game to a different level. This is the Heaux who realized that you have to find security, you can’t just go from man to man. Her new target, Club OWNERS, Plant Workers, Sports Players. Because the random dude in the club isn’t going to pay for those $1500 weaves she has to buy because her hair is thinning. The Aging Heaux has different priorities. She needs a stable care-giver, not a fly by night type of lover. She has bills, and most likely children that need to be taken care of. She only hits the club scene for special events. She instead hits the Fireman’s Balls, the Undertaker’s Conventions, and the Policeman’s Yearly Fundraiser. Because a Pension trumps that $100 she paid for that ticket.

Strengths: Street Smart, Owns at least one formal piece of clothing. Can talk her way into almost anything

Weaknesses: Her Credit, Her Saggy Breasts, Her Shady Baby’s Father

Role Models: TMS, Tyra Banks, Vivica {The Queen of the Aging Heauxs)

Really? Hottest Rapper Out Right Now?
The Young HeauxThe Young Heaux is new to the scene. She may not even be out of high school yet, but she is honing her Heaux-Like skills already. The Young Heaux is often times mistaken for The Misguided Heaux { more on her later} but TYH knows exactly what she is doing. Her plan, to be as popular as possible as quickly as possible. If she has to be involved in a Circle Jerk with the entire Basketball Team, so be it. But at least they will know her name. In the mind of the Young Heaux, Any Publicity is Good Publicity is Good Publicity. She has a part time job, to keep herself in the the latest gear, because she hasn’t figured out how to make someone pay for it – yet. The Young Heaux WILL turn into a Club Heaux without proper intervention.

Strengths: Still in school even though she skips class 50% of the time, Knows the Value of Hard Work {in various forms}, Can still be Saved

Weaknesses: No Guidance, Sexual inexperience, doesn’t know the definition of a Lady

Role Models: Nicky Minaj

Please watch Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew on VH1
The Misguided HeauxThe Misguided Heaux is a lost lil’ lamb. She doesn’t always know why she is acting like a Heaux, it just happens. Often times, the Misguided Heaux has some kind of severe sexual trauma in her part {known or unknown} and this severely damages who they are. Their entire sexual make-up is changed. The Misguided Heaux seeks affection from whoever is closest to her. She acts out sexually, is often times judgmental and critical of others, even if they are exhibiting the exact same behavior she is. The root of her Heaux status is not the need to be promiscuous, but the need for attention, affection, and acceptance.

Strengths: Actually knows she needs help, Can Function Normally sometimes

Weaknesses: Low Self Esteem, Denial, Guilt, Cyclical Behavior

Role Models: None

You Mad Huh?
The Heaux that Took Your ManThe Heaux that Took Your Man is a foul bitch, huh? She just stole him right out of your hands!?! You were blindsided by that Heaux! Or, did she take your man because you couldn’t hold on to him? The Heaux that Took Your Man, isn’t really a Heaux at all. She just did something that you couldn’t. You could actually learn something from the Heaux that Took Your Man. Something about her worked, while something about you didn’t. No, Confessions of a Single Black Female, doesn’t condone Man Stealing Heauxs. We do, however, understand that The Heaux that Took Your Man, works harder than you. She was on her GRIND. She saw your man, saw his untapped potential, and got in where the F*ck she fit in!

Strengths: Smarter Than You, Hard-working, Goal Oriented, A Real Go-Getter

Weaknesses: Makes bad Relationship Choices, Does not understand the 80/20 Rule, Low Self Esteem, Has Tunnel Vision

Role Models: Alicia Keys, Denise Richards, Rocsi from 106 and Park, Angelina Jolie, that Chick that had John Edward’s Baby, etc

She was the Main Heaux, if you know your D-Town History. Carlotta was really the Heaux that Took Her Man . . .
The Heauxfessional

Lest we not forget, the greatest Heaux of them all, the Heauxfessional. She got her Job, being a good Heaux. The Heauxfessional has brains, and beauty, and drive. She is the amalgamation of all things Heaux. Often times, she turns into the Heaux that Took Your Man. She is in a high level position, and is known in certain circles as the premier Heauxfessional. She’s good at her job, that is how she keeps it. The problem with the Heauxfessional, she often times talks to friends, and messes it up for herself, and everyone around her. Be careful of the Heauxfessional, she can ruin your life.

Best Places to Find a Heaux-Fessional: The Detroit Yacht Club, Sorority Fundraisers, Fraternity Fundraisers, any Black Tie Event {$100 ticket or more} Washington D.C., New York City, Detroit

Strengths: Business Savvy, Always in the Right Place at the Right Time, Well Connected

Weaknesses: Her hatin’ ass Best Friend, Kym Worthy, Her Big Mouth

Role Models: Christine Beatty, Monica Conyers, Monica Lewinski, the guy that outted Governor McGreevy

We at Confessions of a Single Black Female hope this tutorial helped you to properly identify the Heauxs around you. Maybe reading this will lead you to help a Young or Misguided Heaux. Maybe it help to Identify yourself, as an Aging or a Club Heaux. We at Confessions of a Single Black Female are here to help you!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? All are Welcomed and Appreciated

Confessions of a Single Black Female: Volume 4

Yes people, I have more things to bitch about. Don’t front like you didn’t know it was coming. I mean besides that it’s been in my status message all damn day, it’s been a couple weeks since I wrote about the things that piss me off about being single. I must also make it quite clear: THESE ARE NOT JUST MY THOUGHTS. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT EVERYTHING I AM SAYING DOESN’T APPLY TO ME, PERSONALLY That being said, Let us begin.
Who Me?
This isn’t an option as a Major People.
Confession #18: I didn’t go to college to find my husband(Thanks EK)

When I got accepted to {Insert Your Alma Mater Here}, the first thing I said was not, “Hot Damn, i’ll have a hubby by Christmas.” It wasn’t the second or third thing I said to myself either. At every High School, Sorority, College Reunion, people look at me like I am retarded because I’m not attached to a man. And god-forbid I didn’t bring a date . . . Wasn’t the purpose of this reunion to meet up with people you already know? If my goal was to find a man in college, I could have done that while I was still in high school. It’s easy to find a college man, trust me. And another thing, you are supposed to learn about yourself in college, not have to spend all your time understanding how someone of the opposite sex works. You have plenty of time for that. I’m not knocking those who got married right after high school or college, but stop thinking that I did something wrong because I didn’t choose that path. No, I don’t have a husband, my last name is still the same, and it will be the same until I experience life ALONE for a little bit. Don’t pity the single girl, envy her. Because you get to go have the same sex tonight that you had last night. And I get new sex whenever I want!

Do I Look like Trunchbull? (Ten Points if you know what book this is from)
Confession #19: I’m not Intimidating, you are a Pussy (Thanx LG)

Men seem to be using the term, “You are Intimidatiing,” alot these days. Is that a crutch, or are you just a Bitch Made Nigga? You have a Bachelors, a Masters, and are working on your JD. You own three cars, have two jobs, and a substantial 401(k) Plan. I live with my parents, and have a part time job due to recent Lay-Offs in my field of work. But I intimidate you!?!? Explain that one. I didn’t ask you to pay for my Masters, I asked you to go to the movies. Has it just become easier to use the “I Word”, than to actually try to get to know someone. Or, are you so afraid that I might get in the mix, and find out you are mortgaged to the hilt, the car is your mothers, and the Only JD you are working on is Jury Duty. Man the fuck up, and be honest. Or don’t put all your business in the streets. Because if I hear the I-Word one more time, Imma start typing You’re a Pussy on Folk’s Walls.

Son of a Bitch!
Confession #20: All this Spring Love is some BULLSHIT

If one more Male Friend/Frat Bother/Nigga off the street gets engaged today, I’m slitting my wrist, Real Nigga Shit. This engagement shit is the new water. Every day, somebody’s status has changed. “Insert LoveSick Jerk’s Name” is now engaged to “Insert LoveSick Chick’s Name.” Am I bitter, a tad bit. Not because I feel like a loser, even though I do to some extent. But what is really pissing me off is the people who are getting engaged. People I have known for more than a 3rd of my life, who where Whores (and that is the nice way of putting it) I’m talking about men by the way. I mean like, if I mentioned I had a female friend it was, “Lemme see a picture.” You couldn’t take these dudes out in public without hearing some asinine comment about how they want to hump all the women in the world. Hell, some of them had the words Head and Hump in their Line Names. Now all of a sudden, folks is ready to settle down?!?!? What in the ass hell man! You were supposed to be trying to mack at my wedding “After Party,” now I’m trying to make friends with the bride so I can have an escort down the aisle for play-play. Bullshit I tell you. Penis is going off the market like chinese baby formula these days!

I don’t wanna hear another Love Song!
Confession #21: I’m So Sick of Love Songs

I feel like Ne-Yo in this piece, except I’m not gay or weird looking. Every time I turn on the radio, it’s a love song. Rappers are dropping love songs faster than they drop real rap songs. Everybody is whining with T-Pain, or Akon, or The Dream about the hood-rat they love. Can we make songs about real shit. Pull a Jill Scott and sing about masturbation, pull a Gnarls Barkley and sing about God Knows What, pull an Andre 3000 and actually show your rhyming skills. I’m starting to think I was right in #19 when I said men are turning into Bitch Made Niggas. Why are you telling me to “Kiss You Thru the Phone” Soulja Boy, when your last song was about you “Supamannin’ a Hoe” I don’t believe you, you need more people! However, the females are NO BETTER. Christina Milan’s Low Dippin ass is talking about “Us Against the World,”, Terra Marie is Huntin for Folks. I thought Ciara was doing good with “Never Ever,” then she came right back with “Love, Sex, and Magic.” Just some whining ass people. I miss the times of I Love My Bitch, and Getting some Head, folks keeping it real. *le sigh*

This one ws kinda angry, and that is okay. Because sometimes, Single Women get angry when they think about all the bullshit they have to deal with on a day to day basis. I’m going to get happy, because there is a movie and McDonalds calling my NAME right now. Thanx for reading! Now Comment

Confessions of a Single Black Female: Volume 2

I didn’t think I would be writing this so soon. Because I really don’t feel like I have that much stuff that I have to get off my chest. But after FB stalking this guy this morning, I realized that I wasn’t done letting people know how I felt about them, in the most passive aggressive way i know. Because what are all these notes, but a Passive/Aggressive way to get my voice heard. Because if I put it in my status long enough, you are going to be nosy enough to read it, at least until you get to the part that we both know is about you. There goes that honesty thing, coming out . . . It’s about to fuck a FEW people up this morning . . . it is.
Truth Hurts
It wasn’t THAT mind-blowing.
Confession #7 (Thanks Renisha) The Dick Down does NOT=the Dumb Down

The Dick Down does not make us stupid…Just because the sex is good, great or fabulous does not mean you can follow up with telling me grass is lavender & the sky is pea green and i’ll believe you. Bullshit…. fucking my brains out does not mean they are gone literally. You lying to my face, and then instead of admitting it you give me more head doesn’t mean I am going to forget that you are a big fat liar . . . it will just make me remember it later on in the day. Side Note: Don’t think that because I couldn’t walk for 15 minutes after means that you are the greatest sex I had ever had. Honestly, if someone was making you move in all those positions for over an hour, you would be weak-kneed too.

I’ve done it . . . So?
Confession #8: I Check your Facebook Page

Yes, I friended you for a reason. It could be that you made a funny comment in a group that I belong to, or because you are a member of my “brother” org, or because that is how you told me to contact you the first time, but we are FaceBook friends for a reason. I check your status messages, your tagged photos, and our mutual friends. (If we are MySpace friends, I get the profile updates too). Not because I am necessarily a stalker, but because many of people have fucked up via FaceBook. If I asked you a question, and the conversation led to you telling me about your travels, I already knew. I saw your photo album. With the girl you said wasn’t your girlfriend, that you took on that “Vacation.” Also, the wall-to-wall feature has ended so many relationships! Take that shit to the inbox if you are trying to be slick. If you can’t figure out why I know that you are lying, please refer to Confession #7.

Which name were U given?
Confession #9: You Have a Nickname

It’s easier for me to give people nicknames when talking about them. So while your mother/father gave you that name, it’s really not important in the grand scheme of things. Once I have told Dominique or Meaux or Nisha about you, you have become Motorcycle Guy, or The Giver of Monster Head, or the Nekkid {insert your favorite Greek Org here}, or flaw about yourself that I have noticed. This also allows me to speak about you in public without our mutual friends knowing who you are. Because even though I write notes about the shady shit I do, I don’t want others to know ALL my business. Now that I have shared this with you, please note: During foreplay/intercourse/whatever, it becomes increasingly difficult to say your name, because in my head you have become one of the Aforementioned names. All women do this, if your girlfriend or significant other says they never do this, they are lying. Also, most of the names you have picked out for your penis are stupid.

Again, Why Lie . ..
Confession #10: I do actually use my boobs to my advantage

I know I wrote about not looking at my boobs and getting to know me as a person, but they do actually come in handy at times. Like when I am trying to get in the club at the 10:30pm price, and it’s 11:15pm, the girls have saved the day plenty of times. Also, because I know that you like them, I let them send you text messages. {Example: The girls were wondering how your day is going?} That will always get a response. No dude is going to look at that text message and be like, “Nah, I’m not going to talk to her today.” They are a sure fire way to get attention in most situations. They can be the conversation STARTER, not the entire conversation. Get it.

I really am 🙂
Confession #11: I’m cute because I’m cute, not because I’m Cute for a Fat Girl (Thanx Vee)

I’m an attractive person. God saw the need to make me attractive. So you telling me that I am really beautiful, for a big girl (or a thick girl, or a biggun’, or for an obese woman) is NOT A COMPLIMENT. Considering the fact that I have been this size for quite some time, I work with what I have. Most likely, you aren’t going to talk to me in the club, because Skinny Sue over there is easier to molest, and that is fine. But PLEASE don’t think I have big girl issues, and a statement about my “cuteness” is going to make me go down on you, it’s not. Not all big girls have low/no self esteem. In fact, like the gays, we LOVE who we are. So stop telling people they are cute for {insert some asinine qualifier here} It only makes us dislike you faster.

That shit is just funny!
Confession #12: Stuff about you turns me on, NOT YOU (Thanx Meaux)

Something about you made me want to date/talk to/have sex with/textually seduce you. It could be your smile, your accent (New York and Boston accents are the BEST), your chest, your brand, your car, the size of your lips, etc. It’s usually something quite shallow that made me approach you in the first place. I didn’t look at you and say, “Wow, their entire being makes me whole.” It doesn’t work like that. I have been attracted to people I don’t like. As in, I don’t even talk to you in public, and I’ve seen you naked more than once. I might never talk to you, because I don’t like your voice and that ruins the illusion of everything else. Women are JUST as shallow as men, we just hide it better when it comes to the men we date/talk to/have sex with/textually seduce. So if every time I see you, my nips stand at attention, it could be cuz you always have on a certain cologne, or you always drive up in the same car. It’s not you . . . not really.