Tag Archive | Child of God

I Can’t Drink You Away….

This blog MIGHT be all over the place (kinda like my emotions right now) but I promise there is a central theme.

*******Avengers: Infinity War Spoilers********

We all said, nothing can ever be better than Black Panther. I THINK we were wrong. This movie is just….. So first off, FUCK THANOS. His entire existence just ruined my life. For a myriad of reasons. The last 20 mins of that movie are 1000000000 times worse than the Red Wedding episode of GOT.

But what has me awake at 4:30am like I don’t have shit to do in 3 hours, is the relationship between Thanos & Gamora.

He stole her, after he destroyed half of her planet’s inhabitants. He killed her mother, and told her it had to happen that way. He then trained her to be a deadly assassin who traveled the world killing for him. Because he’s an ASSHOLE.

Even though Gamora swore she hated him, when she *thought* she had actually killed him it tore her apart. Like broke her all the way down. Because even after all the abuse, and hate, and self-loathing, that was her FATHER. Every girl just wants a Daddy.

My life is in chaos right now. I reached out to my father, who has more than enough money to help me deal with this situation. It’s an unexpected life altering event, right as I took 2 months (unpaid) FMLA off to help my mom.

I knew he was going to say no. I knew it in my soul. I told my mom he was going to say no. He did. I wasn’t even shocked. I had already been working on another solution to the problem. He has never helped me out in a crisis. He has actually caused the last 2. And yet…..I asked. At 36, I still held an impossibly small piece of hope he would come through for me.

Because that’s what parents are supposed to fucking do – Help their children in times of need. That’s what our relationship was until I was around 12. The spoiled girl who was pampered and NEVER told no until she started gaining weight……she didn’t understand why the relationship just changed. It went from fun to weight control and walking 4 miles a day in the Arizona heat. I didn’t handle the transition well, because I wasn’t prepared for it.

My Hero. That’s who and what I used to think my father was. You couldn’t tell me shit bad about him. And due to his “strict religious and moral beliefs,” he would of course never lie to me or hurt me. Because that’s what the Bible says. But not the Good Reverend. That nigga worked 50 years to push his kids out the house at 18, and tell them to fend for themselves. Because that’s HIS moral obligation. Now, where this supposed code came from, I don’t know.

It took me way too long to understand this code of ethics even existed. [Partially due to my mother’s parenting style, because she’s the best mom ever] I was used to having a need, telling my primary parent at the moment, and getting what I needed. Some people called it spoiled…not sure why. Some part of me still felt, even after all the times he had disappointed me – if I can just explain why it’s so urgent that I need his help, he won’t say no then. I keep banging my head up against this emotional wall.

Always leaving a door open, or a window slightly cracked hoping he will be different this time. Because I never felt more loved and appreciated than when I used to go visit my father in Tucson and Pittsburgh. I still crave that….feeling. I write about wanting that all the time. Thanks to therapy, I know the root of that. But this blog isn’t REALLY about my daddy issues.

I know, insanity. The kid inside of me always feels so less than when dealing with him, because I’m still trying to get him to:

  • Acknowledge that parenthood doesn’t end when your children reach 18.
  • HELP ME GOT DAMMIT

Back briefly to Avengers.

In order for Thanos to reach one of his final goals, he LITERALLY threw Gamora over a cliff, and killed her. I started crying right then. Because GOTDAMN! Gamora’s face as she was falling, throwing out her hands and hoping by some miracle he would save her in the last minutes…….

It was like seeing myself on screen. (This conclusion is why I’m still awake right now) Every time I call my father specifically for his help, I’m hanging off the cliff holding on for dear life. He reaches down, and lifts each finger off, while telling me something about budgeting for unexpected events.

That’s how I see my dad. I paid the mortgage on a house that was in his name for 4 years, for him to tell me if I didn’t let my DEADBEAT ASS SISTER move in (and pay no rent or contribute to the household….did I mention shes is 22 years older than me) he would sell the house, and I would be homeless. This was of course about a WEEK after I had a Grand Mal Seizure at the gym and dislocated my shoulder. And my mom was already staying there to help me recover FROM A FUCKING SEIZURE.

Did Thanos love Gamora, yes? But he – and by extension his agenda – was still more important to himself than his child. I just don’t understand how that is. I try really hard to look at everything from both sides. But my dad….

Seriously tho, Fuck that Nigga Thanos.

I just…. I can’t wait for the day when I can not have “daddy issues” flare ups. This shit is worse than herpes. I might be done tho…because exhausted. Also, I might have already said too much. I had to edit like 4 times before I could post this. Because feelings.

Fuck Thanos So Much

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The Day My Life Changed….

So I wrote the blog right before this one on the day my life changed.  Part of me feels like maybe I was bragging too much.  There has always been an internal fear of mine, that someone in my life, that I don’t know is rooting against me.  That this mystery person will see my proclamation of happiness, and immediately pray for my demise and downfall.  98.65% of me knows that’s a stupid fear.  But there is indeed a SOLID 1.35% me right now, that’s wondering if they won again.

At 6:25pm (approximately), I had a Grand Mal (translation: Very Bad) seizure while I was working out at the gym.  Thankfully, I wasn’t on any equipment at the time, I’d just gotten off the PreCor Elliptical, my all time favorite machine.  I walked over to get a sip of water, and the next thing I remember, I was in an ambulance.  Never in my life have I had that kind of seizure, or any confirmed seizure of any kind for that matter.

So I can’t explain the how’s or the whys, not with any real concrete reason.  I have some testing coming up, so maybe that will help me figure everything out.  The one thing that’s important to note, I’m Still Alive.

My Friend and Sister Amber Pratcher had a seizure in July, and died.  So I don’t for one second take it for granted that I am still here to type this blog.  But I will never be the same. If i thought I appreciated who I was put on this earth to be before . . . BABY its like times 100000000000000 now.  Yes, having a dislocated shoulder hurts like a bitch, but that’s the worst that happened.

My tongue is almost completely healed, once i man up and face the pain of moving my upper arm, It should be okay too.  I can work, I didn’t lose any of my basic life and daily functions. So yeah, writing is kind of difficult with my arm in a sling, i can’t really do much of anything with my right hand right now, but I’m here dammit.  And that counts for something.

Late Night Ramblings of 2010 #4: Filling the Void/Closing the Gap

Last year, I wrote a note on FB called  Pieces of Me. I strongly suggest you check it out before reading this, because this is actually a continuation of that note.

You never know when someone can change your life.  You also never know when you will be the person to change a stranger’s life.  In the conversations I have had with people this year, one thing that seems to become more and more obvious is that a lot of people are walking around with Pieces Missing.  We go about our days, making due with what we have.

Some of us have those late nights when the emptiness becomes too much to handle, and we can’t help but have a breakdown.  One of those nights when you can’t sleep, because every thought you have ever had about your life is running through your head.  You are trying your hardest to Fake it Until you Make It.  But in the loneliness of your thoughts, you have to come face to face with the Void that exists within you.

Today, I admitted to {for all intents and purposes} a complete stranger, that for most of my life, I filled that Void with food.  I had never even admitted that to MYSELF. The void left in me by my relationship with my father was a large one.  It’s affected every relationship I have ever tried to have.  The pain that comes from the constant rejection of someone who is SUPPOSED to love you is often times unbearable.

People who have never experienced that pain will try to tell you, “But God Loves You.” or “All You need is Gods Love, he will fill that Void.” They are wrong.  Disagree with me if you want, but they won’t know what that feels like.  To look at how your parent(s) treat other people, and know that you don’t get that same love.

People in Arizona respect my father.  They tell me all the time what a great man my father is.

They are talking about the same man who told me I was never going to amount to anything, because my mother raised me.  The hypocrisy of who my father has become is awe-inspiring.  He’s a Member in Good Standing at his church.  He runs the entire Jail Ministry.  He spends more time with Inmates than he ever did with his own children.  This is my father.  This is the man whose name will be tied to mine until I get married.

I gained about 40 pounds while I lived with him.  The Void was looking me in the face for 11 months.  I was deemed less than, unimportant, and finally a burden while I lived with him.  The only person who understood what that felt like was my mother, because she had lived it as well.  Much of my fathers dislike for me is based on his feelings for my mother.  He was punishing me for what he deemed my mother’s transgressions.

So why did I move to Arizona in the first place?

Because I was tired of being broken.

I was tired of hating myself because of what someone else had told me was a flaw.  I was tired of filling the Void with Food, and Sex, and wrongly invested attachments.  I was tired of searching for love from all the wrong people.  I came here because I wanted to see if I could forgive my father for the hurt he caused.  Having hate in your heart doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you.

I had to Close the Gap. I had to take all those feelings of Abandonment, and Unworthiness, and Self-Loathing, and examine them.

It would have been great if I could have done that in a week, then found a Job, and moved on with my life, but it took a year.  Living in a hostile environment can bring out the best or the worst in a person.

Thankfully, it brought out the Best in Me. It brought out the Writer in Me.  It brought out the Singer in Me.  It brought out the Public Speaker in Me. It brought out the Beauty in Me.  It brought out the Child of God in Me.

After the late night walks, and tears, and late night phone conversations, I survived.

I write this for all those people who don’t know if they can make it.  Who see themselves in a place of such darkness that they can’t fathom coming out on the other side.  For those of you who have a pain so deep inside, you can’t seem describe it in words.  For those of us who cry ourselves to sleep every night, and beg the Lord for a release from this pain.

You can Fill the Void.  You can Close the Gap.  Be strong in YOU.  Remember what YOU want for yourself.  Remember your Goals.  Keep your GOALS in a visible place, so that you can have a reminder, that it’s not going to be like this forever.

You can survive.  You WILL survive.

Because I Did.  For a long time, I didn’t know if I would.  But I Did.

And So Will You.