Tag Archive | Confessions of a Single Black Female

The Possibility of Us . . .

In my 20’s, I used to make playlists for everything.  Even before the Great Spotify, I needed a soundtrack for whatever my life was at that moment.  They all had super emo names, like “The Living Struggle,”  or “Why do I still Love Him?” etc. It was my way of singing out my problems.  It was a good catharsis for me.  I could instantly go to the song I needed to hear, sing and cry on my porch or balcony, write 7 blogs, send 3 or 4 passive-aggressive emails or texts, and I could move on with life.

In my 30’s, the loss of music has let me know I’m going through something.  When I would rather listen to NPR in car, or Old Podcasts I’ve listened to 1000 times, I know I’m due to have some sort of emotional breakdown.  Living with Depression has taught me everything isn’t sadness.  It isn’t “OMG my life falling apart,” it’s instead I have something I need to.  I have to find the music again.  Find the song, or the playlist, or the lyric that is going to express EXACTLY where I am.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am too busy with everyday life to wallow in my emotions.

That’s probably a good thing, especially for my friends who have been with me through my adult life so far. Because I KNOW they were tired of all the emo ass texts, and phone calls crying over the same person, or the same situation, or some conversation over and over again.  I’m trying to be a better friend.  My last relationship ended just as it began, with little to no fanfare.  No one knew it was over, it just was. That’s the adult way to do it, right? However, tonight, while driving home from my last tutoring session, a random Spotify Playlist lead me all up in my feelings.

I Present to you: Selections from The Possibility of Us.

Poision & Wine – The Civil Wars

I miss MM.  I’ve accepted the fact I miss the intimacy we had.  I can acknowledge that it was unhealthy to a great extent, but also wish I was that naive again.  I trusted every word that came out of his mouth.  I gave every single part of me, gladly, and without Fear.  I’m so cynical and untrusting these days.  I cut people off when I feel they are about to hit me with a bullshit excuse.  I don’t have faith in anyone except my inner circle.  I expect people to lie, and be unfaithful, and bad.  I long for the girl I was when I fell in love with MM.

Stay – Sugarland

I’ll never be a Side Chick again. It’s not because of something stupid, like morals or whatever. It’s because I’m over the bullshit.  The conversations that used to woo me into that position no longer hold the same weight.  I don’t need you to tell me, “I can’t talk to my wife/girlfriend/lover the way I can talk to you,” in order to feel special.  I don’t need the ego stroke anymore.  Maybe i’ve grown up, or maybe it’s that cynicism.  I’ve come to realize, every Man/Woman has a choice.  You can control yourself.  You can get a divorce. You can break up with your partner. Just like you choose to not be honest with your significant other, I can choose to tell you that you are full of shit, and need to put on your big boy boxers and handle your business.  You aren’t staying for the kids, you are staying for you.  Until you are important enough to you, get the fcuk outta here.

One Day You Will – Deborah Cox

I’m still looking for the connection I had with TBTLNY.  No one has ever given me that same feeling, which means everyone eventually disappoints me.  {This is probably means I’m continually setting myself up for failure, but you know, whatevs} Which is kind of stupid, since clearly I’m not with him right now. It was a teenage love, but it was STRONG. I would have climbed mountains, and swam oceans, and ran marathons to keep that love in my life.  That feeling, it’s a high I’ve been seeking out since I got the first taste. My life’s addiction is that high.  I can admit that to myself, and even understand how unhealthy that is.  Craving an emotional connection with someone is just as harmful as a drug addiction, because it could lead to putting yourself in dangerous situations.

I Won’t Give Up (Demo Version) – Jason Mraz

I wish I believed in Love like this again.  Even if I go out searching for it, I don’t believe I will actually find it.  Which is kind of sad right? But it’s the truth.  To be able to say to someone, “I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to love you enough, to work on this.  To grow with you, no away from you.” It requires a certain level of vulnerability and openness, and a trust that I don’t have. And I WISH I had it.  I wish I was that Girl who sat on the phone talking to TBTLYN for 12 hours.  I wish was the Girl who made a mixtape for MM because I couldn’t find an easy way to say I loved him.  I wish I was the Girl who smiled at text messages from my current crush.

I’m Not Anymore.

And I really don’t even know what that makes me? Who am I now? My Love of Love kind of defined me for a while.  I hate romantic comedies, because they are so unrealistic. I used to swear that Carrie Bradshaw was my Love Guru, she was an Idiot.  Big was an asshole! I used to read Trashy Romance Novels in one sitting, I don’t even buy them anymore. Maybe my heart’s been broken too many times, maybe I just need a break from love.  Fuck if I know.

I bask in other people’s relationships.  I’m happy for their love.  I’m not like a Love Hater. I see beautiful relationships all around me, and I’m so pleased for my friends.  I’m equally content with my current busy life/schedule. I’m just . . . . trying to figure myself out now.

CSBF Vol 14: Dear Black Women, You’re Doing It Wrong . . .

I’ve been avoiding this blog for sometime now.  Partially, because I’m lazy and I knew this was going to take me a long time to write. But really, because as a Black Woman, there is a huge possibility that people are going to see this and assume that I hate myself or something equally stupid.  But I can’t hold off any longer, because I KEEP running into situations where I see Black Men suffering because Black Women are stuck on Stupid.  The purpose of this blog is, “Each One, Teach One” So just read, and Learn.

Step 1: Stop Being so F*cking Petty

I mean really, everything is not a make or break situation.  He’s not ALWAYS cheating on you.  You don’t always have to get all Angry Black Woman in every situation.  The best way to ruin a relationship is lack of communication . . . Better yet, HORRIBLE Communication skills.  Either you don’t talk enough, or you talk too damn much.  Here’s a hint ladies, If what you are nagging your man about isn’t going to make you money, feed you, or help get you {or he} off, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Everything doesn’t have to be a 4 hour conversation about feelings.  He stopped listening as soon as the game came on.

Conversely, if something is bothering you, and it really is affecting the intimacy in your relationship, talk to him about THAT.  Don’t start a fight about how you think you look fat in this dress, and you saw the way he was looking at that girl in the mall, and why doesn’t he ever hang out with you and your mother, then finally you get to the point: You didn’t like the way he spoke to you around his friends.  All the rest of that stuff is superfluous.  Get to the meat of the issue.  All that other stuff, write him a note, or add it to your Diary. Because he doesn’t really care about the extra.  He cares about what he has “done wrong, and how can he fix it.”

Step 2: Stop being so Got Damn Selfish

You are in a Relationship. A Relationship is defined as: A connection between persons by blood or marriage {dictionary.com} This means there are 2 people in your relationship. Not Just YOU.  If you wanna get your hair done, nails done, er’thing did {OhYouFancyHuh} get a GOT DAMN JOB. It is not the job of your man to keep you laced up.  It is also not his job to complete you.  If you are broken, fix yourself.  Having a fine ass man, is NOT going to make you feel better about yourself. Actually, it will probably make you feel worse.

He is looking for a woman, not a child.  You looking to him for validation, he is looking for a partner.  Someone to work with him to better himself {and by extension you}, not a child to take care of.  Speaking of Children, if the man has children, they will always {or rather should always} come first.  You aren’t ever going to be his first priority.  You shouldn’t be.  So you being mad that he has to go see his ex-wife/Baby’s Mom’s house to get the kids is stupid.  She is the mother of his children, he is going to have to deal with her.  Stop being a dummy.

Step 3: Lying is getting you nowhere, neither is playing games.

The fact that you had to maneuver this man into dating you is not even the point.  But once you got the man, why are you still playing games? BE YOU. If he doesn’t like you, he wouldn’t be with you.  And if he doesn’t like the real you, f*ck that dude.  The person you are supposed to be with is the one that accepts you Flaws and All {AllBeyonce}. If you have a gambling problem, he’s gonna find out.  If you have a Fat Ass, he already knows.  That’s probably why he dates/married you in the first place.

Also, if you keep lying, f*ckin up, he’s going to cheat on you.  Men usually cheat because it’s in their nature to hump everything moving.  But men in committed Relationships cheat because something they used to be getting at home is no longer there.  Men don’t just cheat to hump, they cheat to be fulfilled.  If you are playing games, giving him the silent treatment, other petty female things – he will find what he needs from someone else.  Be it that friend who always listens to his problem, the random club heaux that just put you at risk for the HIV, his ex that always knew how to make him feel like a man . . . You are NOT the only fish in the sea.

Step 4: Independent Woman = Lonely Bitch

It’s okay to take care of you.  It’s okay to have a job, and a savings account, and a life plan.  You are supposed to take care of yourself, when you are alone.  You also have to make sure that you are secure in you, before you venture into a relationship with another person.  However, and that is a HUGE however, stop being all “I don’t need you dude, I can take care of myself,” every time you get in a fight with your man. Let him take care of you on occasion, stop emasculating him at every turn.  He is a MAN, stop trying to make yourself feel better by tearing him down.  If he isn’t on your level, but he is trying to get there, WHY oh dear God Why, must you point out all of his shortcomings.

Yes, there are MANY worthless men in the world. If you are continuing to attract worthless men, it might just be you? More and more, I am seeing GOOD MEN, getting dogged out by women.  Cheatin’ ass, Lyin’ Ass, Stupid Ass Black Women who don’t understand there’s a man shortage out here.  You should be so appreciative that you actually have a good man, that you work hard not to mess it up.  You can be all “Strong Independent Black Woman” at work. Doing that sh*t at home, is gonna leave you Lonely.  Sitting on your couch watching Tyler Perry Movies, crying cuz you just realized that your man was right when he called you a Selfish Heaux.

Step 5: White Girls aren’t your Natural Enemy, You Are

I live in Arizona. It’s a Black Man’s Mecca out there.  White women and Mexican’s for everyone! Yes, there are Black men that will push over their mother to find them a white girl, but all of them aren’t like that.  Most of the men that I know who no longer date Black Women, say the same thing, “I was tired of being nagged, browbeat, yelled at, all the Got Damn Time!” Again, you are causing the majority of your problems.

Get you a white female friend – not the ones who think they are black – but a bona-fide white friend.  Ask her about her relationships.  The one thing you will find is that she caters to her man. If he likes football, she watches it.  She don’t give a hell who Mike Vick is {unless she’s a member of PETA}, but she will root him on with the best of them! She doesn’t like poker, but she will play it with him and his guy friends if he asks her.  Her first instinct is going to be to say YES, instead of coming up with a reason she can’t, won’t, don’t feel like doing something. Take notes Black Women, you might get your man back.

Conclusion:

Every Black Woman isn’t a nag.  Every Black Woman isn’t a lying, cheating, club heaux.  Some Black women have very stable and wonderful relationships.  They are, however, in the minority.  What you see on TV isn’t real, so stop taking relationship advice from TV Shows.  It’s FICTION. Every relationship is going to have problems.  Every marriage is going to have hard times.  But, as a Black Woman, it’s our job to strive to be better.  We have had to overcome so much in society, now we just need to overcome ourselves.

Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol. 11: Just My Imagination?

In the previous installment of  CSBF – Vol 10: What These Bitches Want from a N*gga, I talked about what SOME women want a man to be.  Most of my female friends said it was a great read, but I don’t know of very many men who read it, which is fine.  It’s my hope that one day, a man will stumble across my Joyful Words of Wisdom, and realize how stupid he has been all his life towards women.  It could all be a pipe dream, but it’s MY dream, so I will stick to it.

Speaking of Dreams, lets talk about having expectations.  Those things that you want for yourself, and believe that you deserve just because you are you.  Most women say, “I just want the man who is perfect for me,” and that is a noble statement.  But I call Bullshit.  You want the Perfect Man.  You want women to want to be you because of the man you have.  You want to be able to feel the regret of all your ex’s when you and your new man walk into the room.

Is there a difference between having Standards and Unrealistic Expectations?

My Classified ad for my future husband would look like this:

Wanted:

  • 35 years or older Black Man. College educated (BA/BS preferred).
  • Member of BGLO preferred, but not required (D9 affiliation is a must)
  • No Children, or STD’s.
  • Must have credit score of 600+ (exceptions will be made if student loans are involved)
  • Must have CAREER not a job.
  • Fidelity is a must, please have sown all your wild oats.
  • Must have a relationship with your family (either the one God gave you, or the one you have created for yourself)
  • Must have a strong relationship with God (Jesus Freaks need not apply)
  • Must be taller than 5’8″ and in decent health.
  • Must be attractive to me, and must be ATTRACTED to me.
  • Should be able to hold conversations with groups of various ethnic/religious/social backgrounds.
  • Must have clean criminal record. No felonies or misdemeanors. (Speeding tickets accepted.)
  • Must live alone. No roommates, family members, ex-girlfriend/best friend/occasional love interest allowed.
  • Must be ready to commit to a stable loving and committed relationship within the next year.

Finding this man in today’s world is like – Finding a Leopard Print, Purple Unicorn on the Isle of Altantis.  In the middle of a Catergory 7 Hurricane on February 31th.

Yes, this is what I want.  He may actually exist, somewhere in this world.  What is the probability of me finding him? Unless Oprah or Ellen finds my blog, and posts it on their websites, Slim to NONE.  We all have that picture in our head of who and what we want in life.  It’s okay to have hopes and dreams and thoughts about what would make you happy. But are they really just delusions of grandeur?

Cleaning out my DVR today, I actually watched “What Chili Wants,” and part of me wanted to just send her and email and say,” Bish Please!”  The other part of me wanted to say, “Why is it so bad to know what you want?” In the fight to find your mate, you have to know what you WON’T accept.  Somethings will be a deal breaker, and that is okay.  But, are you sticking to your guns because you want to control every aspect of your man/relationship, or because there is some logical explanation as to why you can’t have A, B, or C in your life?

Even after you have established your rules/guidelines, God has a way of laughing at you.  He might send you the exact opposite of everything you ever thought you wanted, and it might end up perfect for you.  Set your rules ladies, have them in the forefront of your mind.  Just don’t let them stop you from finding happiness.

  1. Finding a man who meets every requirement on your list, but he eats pork, doesn’t mean you ditch him.  You just introduce the man to Turkey Bacon and go on about your day.
  2. Finding a man who isn’t college educated, but can hold a conversation and reads more books than you, doesn’t mean you get rid of him.  It means you try to motivate him to take some online classes and maybe he can introduce you to some authors other than Omar Tyree and Eric Jerome Dickey.
  3. Finding a man who makes you laugh, smile, and generally enjoy life, but he’s not Black, doesn’t mean you should let that go.  It means that maybe you need to open your mind and see where that path will take you.

There is a difference between CHANGING your expectations,

and LOWERING them.

Is This You?

2010 seems to be the “Year of Settling for What the Hell I Can Get.”  Every time I see someone who settled, it just grates my nerves.  WOMEN!!!!!! Stop taking what you can get, start demanding that these men step up and be MEN.  loneliness is a Bitch, but so is Self-Loathing.  If you choose a man because he took up space, that is all he will ever do.  Take up space.

Everybody needs love, but maybe they don’t need love from YOU.  Yes, he may be fine, but can he hold a job? Did he move in with you because he got evicted from his studio apartment? Does he have 5 kids, but doesn’t see any of them.  What is he bringing into the relationship? In the biblical sense, he is supposed to be the head of your household. Can he do that? Does he have the potential to do that? Is he motivated enough to do it?

As long as we put up with, Whatever We Can Get, we will continue to deal with, Ain’t Shit Dudes.  Because you put up with his bullshit, he makes the assumption that anyone will.  As previously stated, I am NOT that one.  I refuse to let you get away with anything, if I can’t do the same.  The relationship rules must apply on both sides.  Ladies, if we don’t start making men live up to the most #Basic of standards, there will be all types of shenanigans happening as we look the other way.

So yes, I have standards and goals and guidelines and deal breakers, but I also know . . .

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don’t catch it, (If you don’t catch it)
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,  (If you just let it)

As always, Questions/Comments/Concerns are welcome.  Thanks for reading Guys!