Tag Archive | Contentment

Talk to Me Nice . . .

6 weeks ago, my whole world turned upside down.  Not as a euphemism, but like actually turned upside down.  I left Arizona, headed to MI on a plane on March 30th, with a job and a home. 10 days later, I was going to be homeless because the house I was renting was going on the market. “But we will of course honor your lease,” said the white woman.  My lease was up for renewal at the end of June.


So I flew back to AZ, and packed up my entire life in less than a week.  Followed by DRIVING 2167 miles from Tucson, AZ to West Bloomfield, MI. Because, why not?  Did I forget to mention my 70 Lb dog . . . whose favorite thing in LIFE is to be in a car with me.  I had to drug him . . . because just NO.


This is just here to set the scene for the actual point of this blog, because it’s important to know my mindset on this journey from AZ to MI. I was doing what I HAD to do, not what I wanted to do.  My life was in AZ. I started a business, I had friends (well like 10 of them, but still), my life wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either.

Or so I thought.

I’ve been a Social Worker for 6 years.  Which means I understand things like “Survivor Mode,” and “Secondary Trauma,” but some kind of way, I didn’t know I was dealing with that, and in all honesty probably had been for at least 2 years.  Basically after my seizure, I just went into survivor mode and I haven’t stopped.

So much shit – good, bad, and horrible – has happened to me since I had that seizure.  Gained and lost friends, gained and lost family members, discovered Medicinal Marijuana, fell in and out of love with several people, dealt with my mother’s illnesses, got a dog, etc.

But I’d just been going full force.  Working 12 – 18 hour days, with one off day during the weekend, and usually I had stuff to do so I didn’t get the chance to just de-stress.  I’m actually slightly surprised I managed to function that long without having a serious mental breakdown.


Looking back, I was in a rut of my own making.  I wasn’t very social.  But then again, Arizona is NOT very social.  There is nothing to do that doesn’t require hiking or swimming in extreme heat.  Which is bullshit, because FAT. Thus leading to the theme of my 2000+ mile journey: “Why the FUCK did I ever think I was Happy in Arizona?!?”

Click here for my definition of Happy

I was miserable.  I was irritable all the time, and I put up with bullshit because it was the best I could get.  I put up with a nigga (and the sex was garbage) because at least he was a Black Man in Arizona that liked me. I ignored my feelings for the only otha Black Man in Arizona that liked me, because I didn’t want to ruin it. I lost myself in AZ.  I forgot I was cute.  I forgot I was sexy, I forgot that I was a GOT DAMN UNICORN.


I”m a 36 year old Black Woman.  I have 1 degree, and enough professional knowledge to have 2 more.  In multiple disciplines.  I’m the GOT DAMN Autism Whisperer.  My Vagina is a got damn miracle.  It could change your life, if you let it. I’m smart, capable of doing anything, and a cunning linguist. Driving cross country I realized several things about my life going forward.

  1. You never know how people view you.  You can have this thought, that the way you present yourself to someone lands the same exact way, every single time.  It doesn’t. One of the men I love {or am In love with, depends on the day}, (because I’m allowed to love more than one person at a time, SOCIETY) he sees this strong and resilient person, who never gives up and always perseveres.  He thinks I’m a strong person, even though I feel like I call him and cry like once every 3 months.  About completely different things, and I always feel so damn stupid for crying about it, because I’m supposed to be an adult at all times. So I feel weak, and less than for being vulnerable to him. And his take, “You may feel you’re not where you wanna be in life, but you’re right where you are supposed to be.” *thug tears*
  2. Love is Love is Love is LoveIt doesn’t have to look like anything other than something that makes you happy every single GOT DAMN day of your life. You don’t have to choose between the person who makes you laugh, and the person who makes your lady parts tingle.  No one has the right to tell you what your love HAS to look like.  Talk to the people, tell them your preferences.  If they aren’t down with the Get Down, that’s okay.  But don’t compromise yourself, to settle with what other people think is good for you.  We are living in Trump’s whole ass ‘Murica.  The world could end tomorrow, don’t waste it being sad because your needs aren’t being met. 
  3. I’m done apologizing for the way I’ve lived my life thus far.  I’m done feeling ashamed for the missteps I’ve taken.  I’m done trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t feel like I was an adult until a week ago.  I’m over anyone who tries to tell me how I should live my life, and navigate the world.  Be they Family, Friend or Foe – GTFOH with your rules and expectations.  I get to walk through the world in this new body I’m creating for myself.  I get to eat whatever the hell I want, and also RUN A FUCKING MILE for the first time in my life. The only people in this world who get to dictate how I live my life, are the people I choose to listen to.  I’m in charge of this ship now.  No more letting the wind take me wherethefuckever. 


I’m sure I’ve written in the past that today is the day my life is different.  I’m sure at the time I wholeheartedly believed it.  Maybe things did change, in a way. But this version of MJ, the one writing this blog has already won.  She is living in her GOT DAMN truth.  And it’s Sofa King Fabulous.

Please, join me. 

Let’s live our Best Whole Ass Lives for the rest of 2018. 


Happiness Vs. Contentment/The Road to Hell

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions . . . .

First time I ever heard that, I was in my apartment @ 1520 Brown St in my Senior Year of College.  I had just opened my copy of Lauryn Hill’s MTV Unplugged, and I was hella excited.  For once, my Roommate wasn’t home, and I had the house to myself.  I was sucked in from the 1st guitar strum.  I listened to the words, and was like, “Damn That’s Deep.” But I didn’t really know . . . I had No Idea what she was talking about.

We give rise to ego, by being insecure
The advice that we go desperately searching for
the subconscious effort to support our paramour
Too engaged in denial, to admit we’re immature

We all have a goal for ourselves.  We look into our future, and see what we want to be.  As a child, when people would ask me what I wanted to be, I used to say a doctor.  I could see myself in the white coat, and a brightly painted office, helping children stay well. Later in life, when everything I was doing would have made that goal too hard to reach, I looked into other things.

In my journey to find Happiness, I frequently equated it with the word Easy.  My ego was such, that everything was easy for me.  I was “Happy” because I didn’t have to work hard.  Things just came to me, and I was perfectly happy with that.  For a while, things went well . . . But the search for Happy/Easy made me change my path a myriad of times.  I have walked away from things when they became difficult, thinking whatever I went to next wouldn’t matter, because everything was Easy.


1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing 

The problem in searching for Happy: you are looking for a momentary thing. Happy implies a particular state of being, not an overall feeling of Peace.

Happiness comes in so many forms, but is a very fleeting emotion.  It’s contingent upon too many things.  Are my bills paid? Does he like me? Do I feel fat? Did they call me back for that audition? Did I win that argument? If things didn’t go my way, I was very unhappy.  The search for Happiness has led me nowhere . . . .



1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

All this time, I should have been looking for Contentment.  Happy is like heroin addictiton.  The first time you get it, you have to have more.  Because the buzz of Happy goes away after a while, you need it in bigger, stronger doses.  You being to search in places you would never have gone before, for just a taste.  Your Intentions, are just to make yourself  Happy.  To feel that rush, that says . . .  Yes What you just did was accepted, valued, and for a reason.  Just like the dope fiend, who steals copper for a Yellow Top {Wire Reference} you start to go to extraodinary measures just to get to Happy.

Wake up you’ve been sleeping, take up your bed and walk
Stop blaming other people, it’s nobody else’s fault
Accept the truth about you
You know that life goes on without you . . .

Today, I let go of my search for Happy.  Instead, I start my journey for Contentment.  I can start it by admitting to myself, that I need a break.  Not a Bullshit, turn off my phone for a day type break.  But a, move back in with my mother, and spend 3 months getting to know the person “The Search for Happiness” has turned me into.  Talking to some kind of God, and really understanding What and Who I want to be.

Please dont be mad with me, I have no identity
All that i’ve known is gone, all I was building on

I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past
now that i know the truth, now that its no excuse

Thank You Ms. Lauryn Hill, who even in your crazy, has helped me figure out what I want . . . .