Tag Archive | Emotions

These are my Confessions Part 2

I think, I’ve only been in love 3 times. I’m not talking about bullshit crushes or infatuation. But genuine love, the kind that makes for a beautiful relationship if nurtured correctly. 

#1 is and will always be my first love/soul mate. We literally grew up together. We argue, and fall out, and Hate each other frequently. But he has a piece of me forever. 

#2 is The One That Got Away. We speak very infrequently, maybe once or twice a year. It was easy to forget WHY I fell for him in the first place. But that love is still there. Just under the surface every time we talk.

#3 broke my heart, and to cope, I stopped feeling things. Most emotions are non-existent for me, and have been for the last 4 years. It wasn’t a conscious decision on my part, but I’ve noticed it and commented on it a few times in the past. 

There was a time when being emotionally numb kept me from losing my shit on an hourly basis. My mind created this block to save me from myself. I understand that. I’ve felt safe in the numbness for these past few years. I had a whole ass 9 month long relationship, and not one feeling was exchanged. Not any real ones anyway. I was actually able to fake a relationship. 

But…. for a brief moment today, I felt something. And it scared the fuck outta me, and I relished the feeling all at the same time. I was smiling, and my heart did that flutter thing it does when you get excited about a guy {is that just me?}

It was of course, one of those 3 people I mentioned before. Because I can feel a myriad of emotions for people in my past. I can bring up those feelings and those moments with ease. I can bask in the safety those moments (good and bad) bring me, without any real fear of the outcome. Because those are MY memories. 

I don’t have to share them with anyone, even if those memories involve another person. But making NEW memories, extending myself and investing an emotion in someone new….impossible for me. 

And even as I see this happening, I’m unable to force my brain, mind, heart, soul, or whatever controls my emotional muscles, to push (it)themselves past what they already know.  

He made me smile today, just because he thought of me, and had to call.  My heart jumped, and I was short of breath as I picked up the phone. And I felt the love that has always been there, that I’d had forgotten was still there. 

And my first reaction, was to call him back after our conversation ended, and say I need a break from these feels. We can’t talk for a while, because I don’t like this feeling. Not at all. I can’t feel anything real for you, I don’t do that anymore. 

My Confession: I’m really worried I’ll never love anyone again. I’m worried I won’t even try to find it, all because losing it might just take me all the way out. 

Why Adele is Better Than You . . .

Comparing Adele to normal people is pointless . . . she’s better than you.  It has nothing to do with mundane things like looks or style of dress.  It more important than hairstyle or body shape.

Adele is EVERY. THING. GOOD. IN. THIS. WORLD.

Yes, I might be FanGirling.  Or Stanning.  But there is a REASON 21 has been on the chart for 3 FUCKING YEARS. She just . . . whew.

By chance, I found out on Twitter that her single was supposed to drop tonight.  Instead of sleeping, i waited up to hear it. Because . . . DUH. From the minute she cracked her neck at the beginning of the video, I knew she came to just wreck my entire life.

I came for your edges . . .

I can’t even form whole paragraphs at this point.

Besides the whole, AMAZING vocal control and lyrical beauty.  This song has me in my feelings, and I don’t even HAVE the feelings that this song should affect.  Like, I don’t even wanna call someone and say, Hello.  But did I shed a tear while watching that video???

Let My Voice Invoke Hidden Emotion

I damn sure did! Because I WISH I had those feelings, just so I could make another break-up mixtape, and sit in the car and sing and cry. This song evokes emotion.  I didn’t even need the video! Her voice is enough.

And this is why she is better than you. Because YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER. Ya’ll know how much I love me some Bey, but just . . . Adele is on a level unknown to normal human beings.  I cried, even though I have no reason to.  Just . . .

Dammit Adele. You are my vocal Spirit Animal. I love you. So much. So So So So So Much. 

SOFA KING EXCITED!

Words and Sounds of my Life: Sam Smith – Lay Me Down (Acoustic Version)

Last night on SNL, I was introduced to Sam Smith. I might have cried during his second performance. I mean, I’m not going to admit to anything . . . but maybe my eyes have allergies or something.  Either way, the song he was singing was called Lay Me Down.  There he was, singing my life with his song. 

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, they’re much too strong
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you
And I don’t wanna be here if I can’t be with you tonight

This is how I used to feel, every time I got in a fight with The Mexican.  It didn’t matter if he had hurt me, demeaned me, or betrayed me in some way. I just needed to lay down with him, and cry it out.  That kind of safety . . . its mostly indescribable.

Two weeks ago, I was betrayed by 3 different people in less than a week.  And there was no one there, to lay with.  No one there so I could lay my head on his chest, and just cry at the injustice of it all.  I couldn’t wallow, not even for a minute that someone stole something from me I couldn’t ever get back.

I’m reaching out to you
Can you hear my call? (Who’s to say you won’t hear me?)
This hurt that I’ve been through
I’m missing you, missing you like crazy

As with everything, I’ll get over it.  I don’t miss The Mexican every day. Or once a week. Or even once a Month. I DO miss the Safety I felt at that time in my life.  I miss THAT every day.  Every time I feel a pang, I wonder if that’s ever going to go away.  The sense of urgency that comes when I realize I don’t have that anymore. The understanding that fear isn’t going to let me even open myself up to finding it again. I wonder when Fear isn’t going to be my first response to a new situation.

I wonder . . . Until then I say Thank You Sam Smith, for making me write this very brief blog. And for your music. That’s going to be devoured by your newest fan from here on out.

P.S. Adele gave him a shout out on Twitter like 6 Months ago.  I’m so late!