Tag Archive | Expectations

Late Night Ramblings of 2011: The Coltrane Diary

So I’m laying in my bed, listening to a 31 track collection of John Coltrane’s lesser known work, and it’s like 3 in the morning. I’ve spent the whole day laying in bed, watching movies and clearing out my DVR. I ordered pizza and just lived my life, for one day, like I wish I could live it from now on.

Various conversations that I have had recently have lead me to this place. A place of self reflection and evaluation. I do this about once a year, usually at the beginning of the year.  I think about where my life is….and where I want it to be.  I’ve talked before about knowing my path and/or trying to find it. But as I get closer to 30, I am finding that I have absolutely no idea where life is taking me.

I look at people that I know, and wish I had their lives. That my life made sense like theirs does.  I wish that I could wake up every morning, and not fear what was just around the corner. The safety in KNOWING is so much more comforting than we were ever told.  When we were younger, we were sold on the greatness that was surprise. The mundane was deemed for old people. The act of living each moment as if it was our last has been spoon fed to us for so long, that when we see people who don’t live that lifestyle we pity them.

But let me tell you, six months away from 30 Years Old, the mundane looks pretty damn attractive to me.  Looking at my bank account, and seeing absolutely no changes in it is what I live for. Leaving one job and just going home is so pleasing to me. Not having to run to the store to pick up something, but instead going to a pantry to seeing it on the shelf is just…joyful to me.  The simplicity of what your life can be, when you stop trying to live up to your interpretation of what others expect from you is just…..

I remember conversations we used to have in college. Sitting in the VWK dining room, talking about all the great things we were going to accomplish before we hit 30. The husbands, the kids, the careers….we had out lives mapped out. We lived in a world where failure wasn’t even a thought in our minds. But I can count on 2 fingers the people who stayed in their original field of study. This is not to say that these people failed. But they surely didn’t go along with the game plan. I wonder how they feel about the knowledge that 18-20 year old them would deem them a failure?

I’ve spent so much time trying to be great, and it took me this long to realize how great I already am. I’m so used to pushing myself, to competing with an unknown entity that tells me that nothing that I do is good enough, that everyday had become a letdown. “Oh, you didn’t get that done today either,” and “Look how much everyone else around you has gotten accomplished.” Do you know how tiring that us? Feeling like a complete failure every single moment of your adult life?

I stopped writing blogs for my friends a long time ago. Because the majority of my friends a) don’t read them and 2) don’t care. I write for the people who feel the same way that I do, but just can’t quite put it into words. The people who at times need a subtle reminder of just how awesome they are. So let me list my accomplishments for you, people that I don’t know. Just in case you needed to feel good about yourself too.

1) I am the only one of my father’s children with a 4 Year College Degree
2) I’ve owned my own business…and it was successful
3) I was a published writer (in a nationally published book) at the age of 8.
4) I was the first person in my family to be a member of a NPHC org
5) I have made it to 30, childless (by choice)
6) My Mother is Proud of Me.

The list could continue for quite sometime, but that list isn’t the point of this late night rambling. The point is, don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today. Meaning, stop and acknowledge yourself. Don’t wait for other people to tell you how much you are worth, because they probably never will.

Instead, take note of the things you can add to the, “Got damn I’m Awesome” list inside your head. The stress we put on ourselves, because of what we THINK we should be gets in the way of what we already have become. Its like that whole “Can’t see the Forest for the Trees” saying people use. Look at yourself, and smile.

Because your good enough….your smart enough….and gosh darnit, People Like You!