It’s hard to explain to people how your attitude can change with a look, or the lack of one. I started out this morning on a good note. I was happy, and I had just received some great news. I haven’t had another seizure, and I might actually be losing weight. There is no reason for me to be on the verge of tears. And yet, I am.
Something as stupid as not receiving an email, made me feel stupid and ostracized and unwanted. I feel unvalued, and unimportant. I feel less than. And that’s a slippery slope. Because usually, the way I deal with that is reaching out to someone to make me feel special. Usually, the best way to do that is sexually, or eating. Both of them, at one time or another, were my go-to methods of self-help.
I’m sitting on my* porch, and trying to figure out why I’m in this place again. The only real trigger is the fact that I walked into a chapter meeting, and I didn’t get the “Wear Black, we are taking chapter pictures,” email. I looked unprofessional, and unprepared. I felt stupid. And how VAIN is that. That was my trigger, not looking perfect.
This seizure has changed so much of my life. More than I can even speak on at the moment. But not having the control of my own space, my own transportation, my own schedule has been such a struggle for me. I’m used to only having to rely on me to get things done. I’m starting to feel the pressure of depending on others.
And it’s not even pressure from the outside. It’s me telling myself you have to do and be all the things. You can’t be weak. People are expecting you to fail, get it together. And I can’t. It seems like around every corner is yet another obstacle getting in my way. My emotions are out of control almost all the time. I miss my friends. I hate when people talk to me in my free time. I’m going to make people hate me soon, just so that I can have some peace in my life.
I’ve been in Arizona for 7+ years. This is home to me. But I MISS MY FRIENDS. I miss the ability to go see someone whenever I want to. I’m trying to navigate new relationships, and I don’t know where I stand in them. I don’t know what I want, and at the same time, trying to figure out if I still believe in the word Hope. I’m miserable when I get free time. I hate thinking, I hate my idle mind. I want quiet . . . with someone else there.
Nothing I’m currently thinking makes any sense. That’s what my depression looks like. One bad day, followed by several good ones. Pushing everything down, because I have to work. People are counting on me, get it together. But that one day . . . it hits when I don’t have something in front of me to distract me from my inner voice. That voice used to be my mom. It kept me motivated. That voice has become my own, and I’m sad. I can’t seem to find the words to get out of these funks.
I need my support system here, in Arizona. I need A support system in Arizona. The only person who has had my back my whole life is my mother, and I just . . . she’s getting older. She’s spent my entire life having my back, and I should be working on having hers. And I’m not, because I’m in this place. The place that won’t allow me to let go and have faith. This place that makes me sad, and attitudinal and RUDE to her. Because I’m so afraid of losing her. I don’t know what my life would be without her here. And I’m so afraid, this fear is nothing i’ve ever felt before. I just watched my siblings have to say goodbye to their mother, and I’m so AFRAID.
Maybe that’s the base of my whatever the hell this is. That every day, I’m looking at my mom, and realizing how blessed I am having her in my life. Maybe that’s it.
Whatever the hell it is, I’m not in the right place. And it’s easier to write that here, and share it with strangers, than ask my friends for help. It’s easier to post this, and pretend it’s just another blog post, and not a cry for . . . something. Not help, because I’m tired of needing help from people. I can post this here, and be selfish enough to be this emo, and not interrupt people’s lives crying and being sad. This depression thing, it comes in waves. It hasn’t crashed down on me, yet. I’m not drowning, yet. But I’m soaked right now.