Tag Archive | Happy

Talk to Me Nice . . .

6 weeks ago, my whole world turned upside down.  Not as a euphemism, but like actually turned upside down.  I left Arizona, headed to MI on a plane on March 30th, with a job and a home. 10 days later, I was going to be homeless because the house I was renting was going on the market. “But we will of course honor your lease,” said the white woman.  My lease was up for renewal at the end of June.

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So I flew back to AZ, and packed up my entire life in less than a week.  Followed by DRIVING 2167 miles from Tucson, AZ to West Bloomfield, MI. Because, why not?  Did I forget to mention my 70 Lb dog . . . whose favorite thing in LIFE is to be in a car with me.  I had to drug him . . . because just NO.

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This is just here to set the scene for the actual point of this blog, because it’s important to know my mindset on this journey from AZ to MI. I was doing what I HAD to do, not what I wanted to do.  My life was in AZ. I started a business, I had friends (well like 10 of them, but still), my life wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either.

Or so I thought.

I’ve been a Social Worker for 6 years.  Which means I understand things like “Survivor Mode,” and “Secondary Trauma,” but some kind of way, I didn’t know I was dealing with that, and in all honesty probably had been for at least 2 years.  Basically after my seizure, I just went into survivor mode and I haven’t stopped.

So much shit – good, bad, and horrible – has happened to me since I had that seizure.  Gained and lost friends, gained and lost family members, discovered Medicinal Marijuana, fell in and out of love with several people, dealt with my mother’s illnesses, got a dog, etc.

But I’d just been going full force.  Working 12 – 18 hour days, with one off day during the weekend, and usually I had stuff to do so I didn’t get the chance to just de-stress.  I’m actually slightly surprised I managed to function that long without having a serious mental breakdown.

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Looking back, I was in a rut of my own making.  I wasn’t very social.  But then again, Arizona is NOT very social.  There is nothing to do that doesn’t require hiking or swimming in extreme heat.  Which is bullshit, because FAT. Thus leading to the theme of my 2000+ mile journey: “Why the FUCK did I ever think I was Happy in Arizona?!?”

Click here for my definition of Happy

I was miserable.  I was irritable all the time, and I put up with bullshit because it was the best I could get.  I put up with a nigga (and the sex was garbage) because at least he was a Black Man in Arizona that liked me. I ignored my feelings for the only otha Black Man in Arizona that liked me, because I didn’t want to ruin it. I lost myself in AZ.  I forgot I was cute.  I forgot I was sexy, I forgot that I was a GOT DAMN UNICORN.

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I”m a 36 year old Black Woman.  I have 1 degree, and enough professional knowledge to have 2 more.  In multiple disciplines.  I’m the GOT DAMN Autism Whisperer.  My Vagina is a got damn miracle.  It could change your life, if you let it. I’m smart, capable of doing anything, and a cunning linguist. Driving cross country I realized several things about my life going forward.

  1. You never know how people view you.  You can have this thought, that the way you present yourself to someone lands the same exact way, every single time.  It doesn’t. One of the men I love {or am In love with, depends on the day}, (because I’m allowed to love more than one person at a time, SOCIETY) he sees this strong and resilient person, who never gives up and always perseveres.  He thinks I’m a strong person, even though I feel like I call him and cry like once every 3 months.  About completely different things, and I always feel so damn stupid for crying about it, because I’m supposed to be an adult at all times. So I feel weak, and less than for being vulnerable to him. And his take, “You may feel you’re not where you wanna be in life, but you’re right where you are supposed to be.” *thug tears*
  2. Love is Love is Love is LoveIt doesn’t have to look like anything other than something that makes you happy every single GOT DAMN day of your life. You don’t have to choose between the person who makes you laugh, and the person who makes your lady parts tingle.  No one has the right to tell you what your love HAS to look like.  Talk to the people, tell them your preferences.  If they aren’t down with the Get Down, that’s okay.  But don’t compromise yourself, to settle with what other people think is good for you.  We are living in Trump’s whole ass ‘Murica.  The world could end tomorrow, don’t waste it being sad because your needs aren’t being met. 
  3. I’m done apologizing for the way I’ve lived my life thus far.  I’m done feeling ashamed for the missteps I’ve taken.  I’m done trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t feel like I was an adult until a week ago.  I’m over anyone who tries to tell me how I should live my life, and navigate the world.  Be they Family, Friend or Foe – GTFOH with your rules and expectations.  I get to walk through the world in this new body I’m creating for myself.  I get to eat whatever the hell I want, and also RUN A FUCKING MILE for the first time in my life. The only people in this world who get to dictate how I live my life, are the people I choose to listen to.  I’m in charge of this ship now.  No more letting the wind take me wherethefuckever. 

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I’m sure I’ve written in the past that today is the day my life is different.  I’m sure at the time I wholeheartedly believed it.  Maybe things did change, in a way. But this version of MJ, the one writing this blog has already won.  She is living in her GOT DAMN truth.  And it’s Sofa King Fabulous.

Please, join me. 

Let’s live our Best Whole Ass Lives for the rest of 2018. 

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I Think I Might Love Writing Challenges

So, my life is super busy.  I rarely have time to sit down and write an in-depth blog anymore.  Because writing a blog for me, takes about 2 – 3 hours, depending on the topic.  And If I have to search for images, or song lyrics, or some clip or point of reference . . . That’s gonna take even longer.  The problem is, I only sit down at a keyboard 3-4 times a week, and I’m actually working then.  So I think for a while, I’m going to just do some writing challenges, with the occasional deep ass blog thrown in when I have time.

To my new readers, thank you so much for following my blog!  I never expected anyone to follow this thing, and I’ve been for 9+ years.  I hope you find things that amuse, help, make you laugh, etc.  You might also find some things you don’t agree with  (Probably everything written from 2007-2009.  That was my anything goes/Sarcastic Asshole phase.)

And now, for today’s topic: 5 Ways to Win My Heart

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1) You Need to Be Dominant
I’ve wholeheartedly accepted that I’m submissive when it comes to relationships.  Seriously, I wrote two blogs about it. So I’m not here for you if you want me to take care of you.  I can be supportive, and affectionate, but I refuse to be in charge in our relationship.  I won’t respect you, and the relationship will end VERY quickly.  This doesn’t mean you should beat the crap outta me, this means I should be able to trust you enough to let you be in charge.

a-man-is-not-a-financial-plan-quote-12) You have to have AT LEAST what I Have.
I’m not a parent, I shouldn’t be taking care of you.  If you don’t have at least what I have, we aren’t going to work.  If I’m working two jobs, you have to AT LEAST be working one full time job.  You don’t have to own a Tesla, cuz me and my Buick Century are just fine.  You don’t even have to OWN your house, but you need to have one.  What do i look like introducing you to my friends and family, and I have to explain what you bring to the relationship? I’ve done that, it makes me feel stupid.  I don’t care how great the sex is, if you embarrass me, I shouldn’t be dealing with you.

images-13) Don’t Woo me, if you can’t keep it up
If i meet you, and every night is eating at fancy restaurants, and movies, and Dave and Busters, Keep That Shit Up.  You set the expectations, if you stop living up to them one of two things is going to happen.  A) I’m going to take it personal, and assume you have started to think less of me or b) I’m gonna get pissed off and break up with you.  If your circumstances change, it’s understandable if some things have to be put on the back burner for a while.  But you have to put in the work consistently. Consistency is Key to keep me focused on you and/or our relationship.

09d1e7e1135c1c82dbdb118ea8cbdab3-612x612x14) Introduce me to something new
Is it bad I need to be Wowed? I’ve seen some pretty amazing things, not gonna lie.  So you are going to have to step my game up. Cuz I like new stuff.  I have new interest ADD.  I like to explore all the things.

image5) Be Woke
I can’t be with you if you aren’t knowledgable about societal issues.  You can’t be a Republican.  You can’t be watch Fox News.  You have to know who Chris Hayes and Rachael Maddow are.  You have to be able to tell the difference between an actual news story, and a hoax post. You need to know who Deray, Netta, and Luvvie are.  You don’t have to be Black, honestly.  But if you are White, you need to know what Privlege is, and acknowledge yours.  You have to be able to deal with me being upset when a Black Child Dies.  You need to be able to deal with my anger about another White Man killing innocent people and not being called a terrorist. You Have To Be Woke.

So that’s it.  Not too bad right?