Tag Archive | Kwame Kilpatrick

Have You No Couth?!?!? – Things that Pissed Me the F*ck Off in 2010

Last Year 2 years ago, I wrote a blog about all the things that had happened in 2009 that pissed me off.  For a recap click here —> http://bit.ly/fxfOnU <—– I will do the same now.  Except, there is alot more stuff that pissed me off, and I am going to try my hardest to offend at LEAST 5 people.  If I offend you, please let me know.  I like to know when I have reached my goals.  So without further ado, Here is My List of Things that Pissed Me the Fuck Off in 2010 .  .  .

Famous Ass Homewreaking Whores

We all know, as a confessed former Side Chick, I can’t really talk about folks that cheat, except, I’m finna.  Alicia Keys, Gabrielle Union, Fantasia Barrino, That Bish John Edward’s got pregnant, that tattooed Nazi Bish that was Humping on Jesse James, all of Tiger Wood’s Heauxs . . . CLEARLY this list is never ending.  2010 was the year of the Side Chick Come Up.  Folks getting TV Shows, and book deals, all because they had the wherewithall to suck a dcik. Never in my 28 years would I have thought that I would see the day when being a lying, cheating, whore would be something that made other people famous.

Alicia Keys got a beaknosed baby and a Gonzo-Looking husband out of the deal.  Gabby Union gets to go to basketball games for free. The Tattooed Nazi Bish got all kinda of magazine ad’s and free publicity for her website, Tiger’s Woods main heaux is currently on Celebrity Rehab for Love Addition. {Pause: What the FUCK is Love Addiction? How is that even a disease that needs to be cured? I love you Dr. Drew, but really?} Sadly, all Fantasia got was an ugly ass Nupe, 4 Grammy nominations, and her show getting cancelled.  At least she got proven in court to not “really” be a homewreaker. Didn’t really see that blasted all over the news though, did you? Speaking of which . . .

The Racist Ass Media

I already have issues with the media because I’m not a part of it.  But 2010 was SURELY the year of biased ass news coverage regarding the plight of the famous.  The first clue for me that the media was horribly racist was the converage of the Tiger Woods Debacle.  Yes, it started in 2009, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger.  He wasn’t the first sports figure to be a whore while he was married, but he was the first Black Man who got caught by his white wife cuz he was humping white girls all over the country.

The vilification of Michael Vick, even after he served his time in prison, is another example. Tucker “Closested Bigot” Carlson said he should be executed for his crimes? For making dogs fight each other.  MuthaFucka for real? For killing Dogs? He got more time in jail for killing dogs than Ben Roethlesberger got interviewed for being accused of rape.

Fox News and their coverage of President Obama is another GLARING example of how racism is becoming the back bone of all kinds of media coverage. The fact that he is almost never referred to as President Obama, but instead of as Barack or just Obama is so damn disrespectful! It’s not just Fox News that does it, other media outlets do as well.  

They always talk about the things he hasn’t gotten done, but never discuss what he HAS gotten accomplished.  If you would like to know what he’s done so far click here —> http://bit.ly/eN4058 <—— I could rant for daaaaaaaays about this, but then I wouldn’t have to talk about how the Media and the Law refuses to leave Kwame the FCUK alone . . . .

LEAVE KWAME THE FCUK ALONE

The man had a party that was his ultimate downfall.  Every TRUE Detroiter knows someone who was actually at the party. Half the gotdamn city was there.  Yes, Carlita punched some heaux in the face for giving her man a lapdance.  Yes, Kwame did some shady stuff while he was in office.  Yes, his father is a douchebag. Yes, he should pay back the city for the money they spent to cover up his lie.  But must we really spend our entire life, Kym “Pissed cuz Kwame didn’t want me” Worthy, to bring the man down.  He really can’t get no lower.  What’s the point now? I mean really, he doesn’t have any more money to give, he will never be able to run for office anywhere? Are we trying to take the man’s dignity and will to live at this point? Note: If he really did get that girl killed, he deserves to sit in prison for the rest of his life. But I’m so damn tired of hearing about how horrible a person Kwame is!

Famous Black Men continuing to Fcuk Up

Seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY. Between T.I and Chris Brown, light skinned men don’t got no role models right now.  You spent an entire year redeeming yourself from some admittedly fcuked up mistakes on your part, only to stick your foot in your mouth less than a  year later.

T.I: SIR. Really, dental work turned you into a drug addict? Why did you get your teeth fixed in the first damn place? Your fans don’t give a hell you had chicklet teeth.  We thought it was cute. But your teeth were hurting so you had 50 Ecstasy pills and weed in your Maybach. Because that makes sense . . . It does. When you get out of jail this time, just sit your Beige ass down somewhere.

Chris Brown: You know I love you.  I STAN for you. I have written several blogs regarding my love for you, but if you don’t get your light skinned dancing ass off Twitter, you are never going to be able to make a record people pay for again.  Yes, I know that RazBerry was baiting you and he was being a douche, but you NEVER NEVER NEVER get back at an asshole by talking about their claims of rape or molestation.  

You beat up RiRi Five Head, we saw the pictures.  He was trying to get people to pay attention to him, becuase the 4 youtube plays didn’t work. You played right into his hands.  Now the Racist Ass Media has you looking like a Homophobe. I will admit though, calling him a Peter Pan Dcik in the Booty Azz Boy was HIGHLARIOUS. Get rid of your twitter Hunny, I love you too much to see you fail.

Kanye: Shut the Fcuk Up. Don’t talk, ever on TV. Ever. Just make beats and albums, and SHUT THE FCUK UP.

Republicans

Not all Republicans are evil, but the majority of them are dumb as hell.  Their view of the world is so skewed it’s like when they talk they see a different place.  The growing popularity of the Tea Party Movement and their racist propaganda {that is largely ignored by the mainsteam media} scares the shit outta me. The fact that Sarah “I can see Russia from my House” Palin has a fighting chance at being a candidate for President in 2012 just makes me want to scream.

Sadly, the thing that I find the most frustrating is also something I think Black Folks and Democrats could learn from.  Their singular focus on meeting whatever goal it is they have has turned a Moment of Change into a Whimper of Hope. They have made this country miserable for 10 years, and it ain’t lookin’ too good for getting better anytime soon.

John Edwards

Dear John Edwards, Fcuk You. You seem to be the epitome of having no couth in 2010. Not only did you cheat on your wife while she was dying of Cancer, but before she died or you had gotten a divorce, you were planning your new life with the bish you knocked up? I mean really, picking out wedding venues? Were you planing on paying for the event with the life insurance from the policy you had on Elizabeth? The only thing that makes me smile is know that you will NEVER be able to run for a public office, because women across the country hate your stinking GUTS. With Utter Disdain, Me.

SubPar Singers

Yes, I’m talking to you Ciara, Keyshia, Rihanna, and Keri. I feel like, maybe if you guys formed a super group of half nekkid dancing bishes you might get more album sales.  You can let Soulja Boi rap on half the songs, and help his stupid ass out too.

Keyshia: I know your life was hard, but you have GOT to stop singing like your screech is gonna take you to the promise land.  You need to get back to the Keyshia Cole that TuPac told people was going to be a famous singer at 9. Stop trying to be like everyone else, and be yourself. Also, stop with the Tattoos, it’s not now nor will it ever be cute.

Ciara: We know you can dance, we get it. We also know you have a STRONG ass jaw.  This doesn’t help the fact that you couldn’t sing on key if your life depended on it.  I just really need you to get a vocal couch and just BREATHE. Also, please do me a favor and tell Kim K to stick to helping black men win championships with her vajayjay. No one wants to hear her sing . . . NO ONE.

Keri: Go back to writing songs.

Rihanna: I JUST figured out that you were from an island.  You should go back there, and like un-learn the RiRi Five Head Yodel.  This is not to say that you don’t have some catchy ass songs.  I have about 10 of your songs on my phone right now {Oh Na Na . . .hWhat’s My Name}. But you need to do better. Also, just because your BFF is Katy Perry, it doesn’t mean you can have Red Hair. It’s not okay.

Stupid People on Twitter

Lastly, let’s discuss the stupid people on twitter.  It’s not just random people I don’t know, it’s also famous people who say the most ignorant shit.  I have lost respect for so many people just based on the things they tweet.  #SelvesofSteam {Self esteem} #DefenseMagnesium {Defense Mechanism} #LactoseandTolerants {Lactose Intolerant}. That is just the tip of the Iceburg.  This year has truly shown me how important my education is to me, and how far we have to go as a people regarding common damn sense.  For a full overview of the 25 Dumbest Tweets of 2010 click here —-> http://bit.ly/fQuVPj <—–

There is more from 2010 that I could comment on, and I may come back and add to this.  But right now, it’s also 7 in the AM, and this is all I care to discuss.  Feel free to share things that bothered you this year too!

Happy New Year Guys!

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CSBF Volume 9: Confessions of a Side Chick/Searching For MySelf

Part 1: Confessions of a Side Chick . . .

Hello, My Name is M.J., and I too have slept with Tiger Woods. Okay, not really. But everyone else is saying it, I wanna be famous too!   I have said it before, and I will say it again . . . I have been a Side Chick. I have done it knowingly and even without knowing I had Side Chick status. Either way, I could quite easily wear a Side Chick Badge.

I am not telling you this because I am proud of it, nor am I sharing this part of my life because I am ashamed of it.  It’s a Fact.  My Side Chick status happened based on my own actions, and I can’t be mad forever at the situations I put myself in. As I am sitting here sipping my Eggnog Latte, I am thinking that there might be a few people who read this title and get Shaky Nervous ( . . . I’ll Never Teeeeeeeeeeellllllll)

The Side Chick serves a very important role in society. She lets other women know what NOT to do. The Side Chick is there for your man, when you aren’t. Plain and Simple. Yes, men have a hard time being monogamous, but Love Shoulda Brought Your Ass Home Last Night. Be mad if you want, that is the truth. The Side Chick didn’t Wreak Your Home . . . She just picked up the pieces and/or picked up the slack.

Again, I am not glorifying The Side Chick, because the Side Chick Mentality is a trifling one. The Side Chick sees something that belongs to someone else, and instead of trying to find her own, takes what doesn’t belong to her. The Side Chick is Lazy. Why do the work, if I can get the benefits for free? The Side Chick has all the benefits of why YOUR man is great, without the pressure to make him stay.

The Side Chick also knows what she is doing is wrong. (And if she doesn’t, she has much bigger issues than just being the Side Chick) But more often than not, The Side Chick really doesn’t care how her actions affect others. Obviously her goal is to satisfy herself, or she wouldn’t be The Side Chick in the first place. She knows about his girl, hell she might have met her on occasion. But in that situation, the Pro’s definitely outweigh the Cons.

The Side Chick Mentality: We don’t really have to have a conversation on the phone. Text Messaging works just fine. Crank that Textual Seduction during the work day, and end our convo with, “I’ll be over after I get out of my Meeting @ 10.” We can talk after we take care of business, and even then please don’t try to make it a deep conversation – I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE! Also, I’m not trying to go see a movie, look longingly into your eyes, and cry as we watch Precious together. Let’s both get off, then you can go home.


Part 2: Searching for Myself

That explanation about The Side Chick Mentality is there to give you a clue as to where my head has been for the last 2 years. Because I was a late bloomer (read ??Year Old Virgin) I really wasn’t trying to find a man. I was trying to get all the experience I should have gotten in and after college. I was trying to catch up to all the rest of my friends, and have stories to tell when we all go out for drinks.

So back to my discussion with TBTLINYC. As I am talking about all this, and how whenever I actually start to look for a relationship what I will and will not put up with, He said, “Shut Up and Play Your Role.” EPIPHANY!

My 1st Reaction: Who Bitch What?
My 2nd Reaction: Oh, Cuz Wow.He really made me think. The Side Chick is a role that I played, because it suited me for a long period of time. Because if I meet a single male, whatever happens could possibly develop into a relationship, thus ruining this whole no strings attached thing I have been actively pursuing for the last two years.On June 26, 2000 I stopped looking for my soul mate. I had found him. I lived in a bubble of love and understanding and someone who got me, FINALLY. Even when the bubble was initially burst, I just knew that wasn’t the end. We were meant for each other. So yes, I talked to other people, had bullshit relationships, patiently waiting for the time when he would figure out that we were meant for each other. He got MARRIED, still didn’t make me believe it was over.

Nine+ years later, now that he’s my best friend who gets me before I get myself, I can listen to him explain what I sometimes can’t put into words. I have been comparing every male that I’ve met to how I felt when I met him. Because he is honestly JUST LIKE ME. He is the male version of me. Loving him wasn’t hard, because I was just loving myself with an East Coast Accent. Loving him required no sacrifice, no changing of my opinion, no looking at the world in a different. Our Relationship is/was the equivalent of Emotional/Mental Masturbation

The only child in me had found the PERFECT relationship. Like Amber said, “Being {in a relationship} requires you to dig deep within yourself to step up emotionally and physically through low times & appreciate someone who AIN’T You!” I have been quite lackluster in my search for a mate, because I’m still not ready to do that. So until I can find Myself, I will be Perfectly Lonely/Single .

Will I continue to be a Side Chick? I don’t want to end up being a liar and say, “Never Again will I ever do that.” [ Because he didn’t get the title TGOMH for nothing] I will say, that my goals have changed. Also, all of my co-conspirators live 2096 miles away, so there is that. Let’s just say, there is a very good possibility that I won’t Play That Role anymore.

*Please Note: I am not trying to steal your man. This is a discussion of my past, not my current plans. Also, let’s not forget the man who has a Side Chick or 4 is an asshole.

Comments/Questions/Concerns/Rants Welcomed

Confessions of a Single Black Female Volume 8: The Definition of a Heaux – A Tutorial

I have been formulating this note for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when my darling Brother in Blue, Esoteric Eric wrote my note!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Click here for his note<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

No Promo

Of course, his Note is from the Male Perspective. But it’s important to have two different views on the same subject. This blog was originally going to be written after I realized that the size of my breasts made certain people think I was easy. Then I was going to write it when a guy approached me in the club and said I was sexy, “For a Biggun.” Both time, I wasn’t able to be objective. However, since my move to the desolate wasteland that is 11 months without appropriate male contact, I am more than able to state my thoughts on the subject. {The Globetrotter doesn’t count folks, it was soooooo wrong}

To Heaux or not To Heaux, That is the Question

For starters, there are many different kinds of heauxs. We use the spelling Heaux to make it seem a tab bit more elegant, but we mean Hoe, Ho’, and all other variations of that word. Today, we are going to touch on 5 different types of Heauxs. While my opinion might differ from yours, these findings are based on years of observation and interaction with Heauxs. Keep in mind, Heauxs are EVERYWHERE. The first Heaux we are going to tackle, The Club Heaux.

The Club Heaux The Club Heaux is a myth. She presents herself as put together, and about her business. But her only business is making sure she can get a man, or your man, to take care of her. She will never buy a drink for herself, never cook you a meal, never pay to get into the club. But, she does have a Phat Ass. She knows all the bartenders, bouncers, and DJ’s. She always has a free ticket to every sporting event, and can give you a list of famous and infamous people she has been with.

Strengths: Wearing Clothes but looking Naked, Drinking whole bottles of Moscato in less than 5 minutes, Swallowing an entire Sprite Can.

Weaknesses: Can’t keep a Job, Will take your Man, Will take your Girl, Thinks she’s a model

Role Models: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Tila Tequilla

All Hail the Queen
The Aging HeauxThe Aging Heaux is a bit of a puzzle. Back in the day, she was the best of the Club Heauxs. But 30 came and went, and she had to take her game to a different level. This is the Heaux who realized that you have to find security, you can’t just go from man to man. Her new target, Club OWNERS, Plant Workers, Sports Players. Because the random dude in the club isn’t going to pay for those $1500 weaves she has to buy because her hair is thinning. The Aging Heaux has different priorities. She needs a stable care-giver, not a fly by night type of lover. She has bills, and most likely children that need to be taken care of. She only hits the club scene for special events. She instead hits the Fireman’s Balls, the Undertaker’s Conventions, and the Policeman’s Yearly Fundraiser. Because a Pension trumps that $100 she paid for that ticket.

Strengths: Street Smart, Owns at least one formal piece of clothing. Can talk her way into almost anything

Weaknesses: Her Credit, Her Saggy Breasts, Her Shady Baby’s Father

Role Models: TMS, Tyra Banks, Vivica {The Queen of the Aging Heauxs)

Really? Hottest Rapper Out Right Now?
The Young HeauxThe Young Heaux is new to the scene. She may not even be out of high school yet, but she is honing her Heaux-Like skills already. The Young Heaux is often times mistaken for The Misguided Heaux { more on her later} but TYH knows exactly what she is doing. Her plan, to be as popular as possible as quickly as possible. If she has to be involved in a Circle Jerk with the entire Basketball Team, so be it. But at least they will know her name. In the mind of the Young Heaux, Any Publicity is Good Publicity is Good Publicity. She has a part time job, to keep herself in the the latest gear, because she hasn’t figured out how to make someone pay for it – yet. The Young Heaux WILL turn into a Club Heaux without proper intervention.

Strengths: Still in school even though she skips class 50% of the time, Knows the Value of Hard Work {in various forms}, Can still be Saved

Weaknesses: No Guidance, Sexual inexperience, doesn’t know the definition of a Lady

Role Models: Nicky Minaj

Please watch Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew on VH1
The Misguided HeauxThe Misguided Heaux is a lost lil’ lamb. She doesn’t always know why she is acting like a Heaux, it just happens. Often times, the Misguided Heaux has some kind of severe sexual trauma in her part {known or unknown} and this severely damages who they are. Their entire sexual make-up is changed. The Misguided Heaux seeks affection from whoever is closest to her. She acts out sexually, is often times judgmental and critical of others, even if they are exhibiting the exact same behavior she is. The root of her Heaux status is not the need to be promiscuous, but the need for attention, affection, and acceptance.

Strengths: Actually knows she needs help, Can Function Normally sometimes

Weaknesses: Low Self Esteem, Denial, Guilt, Cyclical Behavior

Role Models: None

You Mad Huh?
The Heaux that Took Your ManThe Heaux that Took Your Man is a foul bitch, huh? She just stole him right out of your hands!?! You were blindsided by that Heaux! Or, did she take your man because you couldn’t hold on to him? The Heaux that Took Your Man, isn’t really a Heaux at all. She just did something that you couldn’t. You could actually learn something from the Heaux that Took Your Man. Something about her worked, while something about you didn’t. No, Confessions of a Single Black Female, doesn’t condone Man Stealing Heauxs. We do, however, understand that The Heaux that Took Your Man, works harder than you. She was on her GRIND. She saw your man, saw his untapped potential, and got in where the F*ck she fit in!

Strengths: Smarter Than You, Hard-working, Goal Oriented, A Real Go-Getter

Weaknesses: Makes bad Relationship Choices, Does not understand the 80/20 Rule, Low Self Esteem, Has Tunnel Vision

Role Models: Alicia Keys, Denise Richards, Rocsi from 106 and Park, Angelina Jolie, that Chick that had John Edward’s Baby, etc

She was the Main Heaux, if you know your D-Town History. Carlotta was really the Heaux that Took Her Man . . .
The Heauxfessional

Lest we not forget, the greatest Heaux of them all, the Heauxfessional. She got her Job, being a good Heaux. The Heauxfessional has brains, and beauty, and drive. She is the amalgamation of all things Heaux. Often times, she turns into the Heaux that Took Your Man. She is in a high level position, and is known in certain circles as the premier Heauxfessional. She’s good at her job, that is how she keeps it. The problem with the Heauxfessional, she often times talks to friends, and messes it up for herself, and everyone around her. Be careful of the Heauxfessional, she can ruin your life.

Best Places to Find a Heaux-Fessional: The Detroit Yacht Club, Sorority Fundraisers, Fraternity Fundraisers, any Black Tie Event {$100 ticket or more} Washington D.C., New York City, Detroit

Strengths: Business Savvy, Always in the Right Place at the Right Time, Well Connected

Weaknesses: Her hatin’ ass Best Friend, Kym Worthy, Her Big Mouth

Role Models: Christine Beatty, Monica Conyers, Monica Lewinski, the guy that outted Governor McGreevy

We at Confessions of a Single Black Female hope this tutorial helped you to properly identify the Heauxs around you. Maybe reading this will lead you to help a Young or Misguided Heaux. Maybe it help to Identify yourself, as an Aging or a Club Heaux. We at Confessions of a Single Black Female are here to help you!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? All are Welcomed and Appreciated