Tag Archive | Love

Fall 2019 Playlist: Free Write

So I decided this summer, to create a playlist for the season.  Put some songs together that reminded me of specific people, places or things.  It all started at The Read Live in DC.  They were playing so MANY good songs before the show started, I had to find them and at them to my Spotify Rotation.

That Playlist is the perfect way for me to get all up IN my feelings, cuz this past summer was life changingly awesome and horrible, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  It’s always good to repeat an excellent Idea, so I made a Fall 2019 one as well.  I present, some thoughts about life thanx to Spotify.

Issa Photoshoot

Aye, I’m CUTE.

I don’t know if you knew.  You should know . . . I’m getting cuter by the day.  Shouts to My Personal Trainer.  I’ve lost about 30 more pounds this summer . . . I’m wearing clothes I never thought I would.  I set goals that would have been outrageous 6 months ago, and now, completing them by the end of the year seems very possible.

Unfortunately, with the Glow Up comes the stragglers.  Folks that wouldn’t give me the time of day 50 or 100 pounds ago.  Now it’s, “Heeeeeeeeeey MJ, you are doing so good.  I’m proud of you. You should call me.”

Why? I’m the same MJ . . . just smaller. If you wasn’t tryna drink out the 2 Liter, you can’t get the 20oz, ya dig?!?!  Also, I can’t call you. . . . My Personal Trainer doesn’t allow me to train with other people 😉

Can’t Be Broken

So many times in the last year, I’ve felt like . . .It can’t get any worse.  Nothing else could come into my life what is harder to understand than this thing I’m trying to heal from right now.

Then . . . Here comes Harder.  Some kind of way, I keep fighting my way out.  I keep clawing my way out of the low places I’ve found myself in.  That’s the lesson – You can Always Get Out.

Even though it feels like there is no hope.  You will get out of it. I know it seems impossible.  I know the weight feels like it’s trying to break your chest ON PURPOSE.  But you getting out of it, will let you know just how Strong you are.

You Don’t Know

Jill Scott made this album before I grew up.  When it first came out, I wasn’t really feeling it.  I listened, then went back to the albums I already loved. The vibe of the album didn’t appeal to where I was in my life.

A year ago, I listened to it again, and realized why Jill Scott had changed in the last few year.  She grew the fuck up.  She realized the type of love she was looking for required Preparation . . . Sacrifice . . . . SelfLessNess. Things I’m STILL trying to learn about.

I can’t believe how hard it is to try to build a LIFE with someone. To have to get out of your own head . . .let go of your own shit . . . make them let go of theirs . . . and try not to fuck it up by assuming the worst about EVERYTHING.

It Ain’t Yours to Throw Away

Look, Nashville had some GOOD ass Music.

I’ve had some days y’all. I’ve had some days where it seemed like being around wasn’t helpful to anyone else.  One of those days, I put my phone on shuffle, and this song came on 1st.

What if you’re just a vessel,
And God gave you something special,
It ain’t yours to throw away
It ain’t yours to throw away
Every time you open up your mouth,
Diamonds come rolling out
It ain’t yours to throw away
How can you hear those words . . . and not feel like God was sending you a gentle reminder?  It ain’t over yet.  Its the life I gave you . . . so only I can take it from you.  Check on your Strong Friends.

Wonder

Being a teacher is HARD.  It’s not hard cuz you have to teach kids how to read.  It’s hard because you have to Heal Children, AND teach them how to read.  Every day, some child is looking at me, hoping I can help them with whatever ails them.
Then, we all have a moment.  A Silly Moment in Class. The 1st time one of my students had Pop Rocks . . . Extreme Wonder on his face.  The Wonder in small kids, learning new things.  Finally making sense of a word, or a math problem.  The Pride on their face.
That’s why I’m still a teacher.  Giving something like that to a child.  Being blessed enough to be able to do that.  When things get bad . . . I can always remember, that I can bring wonder into a child’s eye.
That Blessing . . . Is not Mine to Throw Away. 

The Love We Had Stays On My Mind

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this blog. The 1st blog after I lost my WHOLE Heart. My whole world is different, because my Mother died.

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I had a plan for this summer. It didn’t include this. I made the dopest playlist ever {See Below} . . and made my plans to travel all over. Then . . .

Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.

The foundation I’ve rested on . . . started to crumble. I reached out to my people . . . because we had decided we were going to just . . . Live the Best Summer Ever.

Together. Me and My Mommy.

  • Life got in the way.
  • Other peoples issues got in the way.
  • 600ML of Fluid on her Lungs got in the way.

She started saying her goodbyes. She left messages for me with her friends. Directions on how to function without her.

She was tired.

I gave her permission . . .to stop fighting. To Stop being a Warrior for me. I told her everything. My plans, the back-up plans, and the people who were going to help me meet those goals.

Now She’s Gone.

  • Moving on feels like the Worst Thing Ever.
  • Being Happy feels like the Worst Thing Ever.
  • Because she’s Gone . . . and That’s the Worst Thing Ever.

thank you

To My Brothers: Thank You. Thank you the calls, for coming, for sitting right next to me as I said Goodbye to My Mother. Thank you for the Hangouts conversations, the cards, the everything you’ve done.
To Stacey: I’m so Grateful for the way you Loved My Mother. Thank you for being ME, when I couldn’t be there. I’ll never be able to repay you for the last 2 years.
To Emmanuel: Thank you for picking me up off the ground. Thank you for helping me pick up the pieces. Thank you for being You.
To Kaitlyn, Raji, Diamond, Aaliyah, Chavi, Jo, Nisha, Dom, and Michelle: Thank you for being my Sister Circle. For answering every text and call . . .for letting me cry, and vent, and breathe . . .for the Spanish Inquisitions, Disney Adventures, and Gourmet Meals.
To The Cousins: Thank you for surrounding me with Love. Thank you for the arguments, and chicken wings, and bottles of liquor, and stop overs, and UFC Fight Nights. For loving my goofy ass dog, and checking on me daily. I promise to be around more, because If i don’t, Joyce will haunt me.

Thank you to anyone who sent a prayer, positive thought, text, message, smoke signal, edible, hug, emmisary on their behalf. I don’t have enough words to say it. So Just . . .

Thank You.

03/06/2019: Free Write

*Today’s soundtrack is my saved song library on Spotify*

Wonder – Emili Sande

I’ve been afraid to write this year.  Not because I don’t have anything to say, it’s just that what I feel like writing is hella personal.  Remember when everything I posted was relevant to everyone, had a kind of global feel?   When it was social commentary and satire blogs?  The past 3 years have just been . . . me.

I told myself I’m going to publish whatever comes out tonight.  So here we go . . . 

Might Not Be Ok – Kenneth Wallum

Depression is a thing.  The latest wave . . . took me ALL the way under.  Crawling inside myself  and still trying to function on 0%. The good news, I’m coming out of it.  I called a therapist yesterday, set up an appointment for ASAP. I’ve been faking the funk for quite some time, and last week just slapped me dead in my face.  Thank God for music, and friends you can be 100% honest with.

My circle sho’nuff saved me this week. 

I Gotta Find Peace of Mind – Lauryn Hill

First of all, FUCK YOU SPOTIFY. Here we go.  So I met a guy.  He was amazing.  It was amazing . . . then it was over.  {*SeePreviousSection} This song reminds me of him.  I miss hanging out with him.  Conversing with him filled a hole I forgot even existed.  I got used to it too soon.  Losing it was NOT awesome. There are more Words . . . Thoughts . . . and Feelings. . . but those will go in the blog I don’t post. 

Big Green Tractor – Jason Alden

Hilarious!!! I love this song.  It reminds me of a student I had at the Tucson JCC. I asked what he wanted to sing in circle time, and he said, “Big Green Tractor!” I was like, that’s a kid song I don’t know, which is rare.  Then he sang it . . . I was like DAMN he’s white as HELL!

I know all the words to this song.  Because I like it.  Because I listen to country music.  Because some of my friends do.  Because some of my friends are white as HELL. I grew up with them.  So I have learned to not feel uncomfortable in white as HELL situations. . . . [however If I see bikers or too many trucks, I’m Out!]

Spar (feat 6Lack & Kodak Black)

This is definitely in the Summer 2018 playlist.  Whew, I miss Malachi! I do better when I have a running buddy.  Someone who is always ready to go out, and get into something new.  I had Bono for that in AZ, and Malachi here.  I gotta figure out who that’s gotta be, ‘cuz I want to explore Detroit: The Gentrified Version. I’ll look at all the white people with derision, but I want to go throw a Got Damn Ax!

This summer, I’mma be running around in booty shorts and crop tops.  If I can CONSISTENTLY take my ass back to the gym, it’s gonna go DOWN. At least 10,000 steps a day and water workouts, ya’ll not READY. I’m going Fowling, and indoor skydiving, and ropes courses.

I’m looking forward to it.

 

*editor’s note*

Creep – sung by VINCINT 

As I was packing up, this song came on. VINCINT’s version of this song, is the 1st time I ever actually listened to the damn lyrics . . . because sad white boys do this song at Karaoke all the damn time. I tune them out, it’s usually the bathroom break.

VINCINT’S interpretation of this song . . . is me walking through the world. 

Every. Single. Day.  

 

2018: The Love Letter Edition

You Bring Me Joy, when I’m down . . . 

Thank you, for being my friend.  Thank you for accepting all my flaws, and making me feel beautiful, on even my ugliest days.  Your smile lights up my day, even if I don’t see it until the end of the night.

I Like Your Face, Loser.

You’re the Finest Thing I’ve seen in all my Life. . . 

Thank you.  I couldn’t have planned for you in a million lifetimes, and yet I know this happened on purpose for a reason. Your honesty has gotten me through some hard shit . . . and I’m forever grateful.

You Know I Got You, Right . . .

Thank you for trusting me.  It meant the world to me.  Thank you for making me understand the true meaning of friendship. If ever you need me, all you have to do is call. 

You’re All I Need To Get By . . . 

Thank You, for always reminding me who I was raised to be.  Thank you, for listening to my angst and helping me work through it.  Thank you for sacrificing for me when you shouldn’t have, and for loving me enough to do so. 

You My NIGGA . . .

Nigga, I’m so glad our friendship survived this move! Summer 2019 is the travel goals.  Passports and er’thing.  Damn the Man! Also, who would have thought OKC would create a genuine friendship?!?!

You Are My Best Friend . . . 

I missed you, when you were gone.  I’m so glad we came back to each other. I don’t understand life when you aren’t there.  I can’t picture life, without you right by my side.  I Love You.

I don’t know what I’d ever do without you,
From the beginning to the end.
You’ve always been here right beside me,
So, I’ll call you my Best Friend

Hopefully, you figured out which one was directed at you.  Thanks for making 2018 great for me!

Pick Me! Choose Me! Love Me!

(This Blog’s Soundtrack is located below)

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I remember this episode so clearly, and how it made me feel. I knew that feeling, begging some dude to pay attention to me. To be in public, what he said you were to him in private. To acknowledge my existence in some real way, instead of just via text or phone call or inside a hotel room. Meredith was basically saying . . . ‘I’M RIGHT HERE, THE FUCK????‘ It felt like every conversation I’ve ever had with men I was genuinely interested in.

Things have already started happening to me that are brand the fuck new. Random dudes asking for my number, people actually acknowledging my existence instead of ignoring me. It’s a heady experience, being seen for the 1st time in a long time. I’m still trying to rap my head around it, and how to properly react to it. Personal trainers at the gym commenting on my progress, people I haven’t seen in years hitting me up to hang out. Lil’ Ole’ Me.

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I’ve started talking to people I’ve always wanted to talk to. Just shooting my shot all in folks DM’s. Racking up numbers and Peen Pics. Reopened my OKCupid account, and updated the pictures with my new slimmer face and body. Walking with the switch in my hips my brother told me NO ONE is ready for. Put out some feelers to some old Beauxs, and lined up my #Summer2018Heauxtation.

JUST as I was already feeling myself, enter the Man of 16 Y/O MJ’s DREAMS, LightBright.

source

TWINS

I’m not bragging, I’m just setting a scene. All 16 year old MJ wanted was a light skinned boy to like her (This is a whole nother blog. Save your comments for that one.) I just wanted somebody cute to hold my hand in public, and make other people jealous. Yes I USED TO BE petty . . . SO.

Below is 16 Y/O MJ’s Boyfriend Wishlist:

  • Taller than me
  • Skinny
  • Have Light eyes, and
  • Have a cool car.

Don’t this negro fit all my shallow ass criteria to a got damn T. Where the hell did HE come from, and how long is he staying? Because YES PLEASE. For some reason, this fine ass man asked me for my number, then actually called!!!!!! HE SAW ME, and wants to keep doing it. What is my Detroit Life?!?!?
LightBright makes me feel a way when I see him. I giggle. Anyone who knows me, knows this makes no sense, because I don’t do that lame shit. Stupid girly shit … that ain’t me. But it is when LB is around. Just . . . hands in front of my face, stop looking at me type shit. I would be ashamed, but that shit is FUN.

Simultaneously, ENTER THAT nigga.

The great thing about THAT nigga, I can be myself. I don’t have to dumb shit down. I can be me, and 85% of the time, it’s just fine. 10% of the time, I’m in my feelings and/or horny so I say and feel dumb shit. That last 5% . . that’s when we are both too intoxicated to function and the entire conversation is just us laughing at each other.

WHY DON’T I DESERVE THIS?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!???

Why can’t I have this be my everyday?!?!?!

Why do I get to find these fucking people who make me want to spend every fucking second of my life with them? Then they are like . . . “I mean, U cool and whatever . . . but you ain’t good enough for me. Maybe some other nigga, just not me.

Some Facts that should be now stated:

  1. The most important thing I need to remind myself, is THAT nigga came out of nowhere. I didn’t expect him to be who he is. I didn’t expect him to be able to hold a fucking conversation. Let alone, turn me on, or know all my kink without me telling him. Shit like that . . . knowing my private shames without me telling you. I feel like there HAS TO BE a reason we connected.
  2. LB is younger than me. He’s not supposed to be anything other than what he is . . . I’m fine with that for right now.
  3. A bitch is . . maybe was . . . all up in her feelings for THAT nigga. I really can’t even be mad, because he told me what he was doing, did it, and then reminded me he did it. It’s my own damn fault for thinking I was different
  4. I like giving men power in most relationships, it’s prolly the submissive in me. Then I met THAT nigga. And he was like, “Thanx Simple Bitch, Imma use this to fuck you all the way up. You’re Welcome!”

Who did I call to cry about it???

#Him . . . the one THAT nigga was supposed to help me replace.

heary eyes

Because #Him is the Prototype, and has probably always been. I’d murder someone for #Him, like plead guilty and er’thing. Spend the rest of my life in jail, knowing that he is with his family and safe and happy. That’s the reason I know it might actually be some real shit. . .cuz I can MAYBE count 8 other people in my life I would do that for, and he’s attached to 4 of them.

tenor

Talking to #Him is like being held . . then choked while being dicked down . . . then held again.
Talking to LB is like being caressed . . . then dicked down . . . then caressed again.
Talking to THAT nigga is like being part of a whole . . . then ripped apart . . . then held . . . then choked within an inch of my life . . . then caressed . . . then dicked down. . . then patched back together with some of the pieces missing . . . then told its my fault for losing the pieces.

So the real question is . . . How long is it going to take me to get out of my feelings for THAT nigga. Because it’s not even worth being mad at him. Like not at ALL.

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I feel unstable right now. Spotify isn’t helping me at ALL. They keep hipping me to all these emo ass rapper/singer groups and artists. Like the hell. Can I NOT be in my feelings for a day? Like is that a thing???

Talk to Me Nice . . .

6 weeks ago, my whole world turned upside down.  Not as a euphemism, but like actually turned upside down.  I left Arizona, headed to MI on a plane on March 30th, with a job and a home. 10 days later, I was going to be homeless because the house I was renting was going on the market. “But we will of course honor your lease,” said the white woman.  My lease was up for renewal at the end of June.

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So I flew back to AZ, and packed up my entire life in less than a week.  Followed by DRIVING 2167 miles from Tucson, AZ to West Bloomfield, MI. Because, why not?  Did I forget to mention my 70 Lb dog . . . whose favorite thing in LIFE is to be in a car with me.  I had to drug him . . . because just NO.

6-dog

This is just here to set the scene for the actual point of this blog, because it’s important to know my mindset on this journey from AZ to MI. I was doing what I HAD to do, not what I wanted to do.  My life was in AZ. I started a business, I had friends (well like 10 of them, but still), my life wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either.

Or so I thought.

I’ve been a Social Worker for 6 years.  Which means I understand things like “Survivor Mode,” and “Secondary Trauma,” but some kind of way, I didn’t know I was dealing with that, and in all honesty probably had been for at least 2 years.  Basically after my seizure, I just went into survivor mode and I haven’t stopped.

So much shit – good, bad, and horrible – has happened to me since I had that seizure.  Gained and lost friends, gained and lost family members, discovered Medicinal Marijuana, fell in and out of love with several people, dealt with my mother’s illnesses, got a dog, etc.

But I’d just been going full force.  Working 12 – 18 hour days, with one off day during the weekend, and usually I had stuff to do so I didn’t get the chance to just de-stress.  I’m actually slightly surprised I managed to function that long without having a serious mental breakdown.

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Looking back, I was in a rut of my own making.  I wasn’t very social.  But then again, Arizona is NOT very social.  There is nothing to do that doesn’t require hiking or swimming in extreme heat.  Which is bullshit, because FAT. Thus leading to the theme of my 2000+ mile journey: “Why the FUCK did I ever think I was Happy in Arizona?!?”

Click here for my definition of Happy

I was miserable.  I was irritable all the time, and I put up with bullshit because it was the best I could get.  I put up with a nigga (and the sex was garbage) because at least he was a Black Man in Arizona that liked me. I ignored my feelings for the only otha Black Man in Arizona that liked me, because I didn’t want to ruin it. I lost myself in AZ.  I forgot I was cute.  I forgot I was sexy, I forgot that I was a GOT DAMN UNICORN.

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I”m a 36 year old Black Woman.  I have 1 degree, and enough professional knowledge to have 2 more.  In multiple disciplines.  I’m the GOT DAMN Autism Whisperer.  My Vagina is a got damn miracle.  It could change your life, if you let it. I’m smart, capable of doing anything, and a cunning linguist. Driving cross country I realized several things about my life going forward.

  1. You never know how people view you.  You can have this thought, that the way you present yourself to someone lands the same exact way, every single time.  It doesn’t. One of the men I love {or am In love with, depends on the day}, (because I’m allowed to love more than one person at a time, SOCIETY) he sees this strong and resilient person, who never gives up and always perseveres.  He thinks I’m a strong person, even though I feel like I call him and cry like once every 3 months.  About completely different things, and I always feel so damn stupid for crying about it, because I’m supposed to be an adult at all times. So I feel weak, and less than for being vulnerable to him. And his take, “You may feel you’re not where you wanna be in life, but you’re right where you are supposed to be.” *thug tears*
  2. Love is Love is Love is LoveIt doesn’t have to look like anything other than something that makes you happy every single GOT DAMN day of your life. You don’t have to choose between the person who makes you laugh, and the person who makes your lady parts tingle.  No one has the right to tell you what your love HAS to look like.  Talk to the people, tell them your preferences.  If they aren’t down with the Get Down, that’s okay.  But don’t compromise yourself, to settle with what other people think is good for you.  We are living in Trump’s whole ass ‘Murica.  The world could end tomorrow, don’t waste it being sad because your needs aren’t being met. 
  3. I’m done apologizing for the way I’ve lived my life thus far.  I’m done feeling ashamed for the missteps I’ve taken.  I’m done trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t feel like I was an adult until a week ago.  I’m over anyone who tries to tell me how I should live my life, and navigate the world.  Be they Family, Friend or Foe – GTFOH with your rules and expectations.  I get to walk through the world in this new body I’m creating for myself.  I get to eat whatever the hell I want, and also RUN A FUCKING MILE for the first time in my life. The only people in this world who get to dictate how I live my life, are the people I choose to listen to.  I’m in charge of this ship now.  No more letting the wind take me wherethefuckever. 

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I’m sure I’ve written in the past that today is the day my life is different.  I’m sure at the time I wholeheartedly believed it.  Maybe things did change, in a way. But this version of MJ, the one writing this blog has already won.  She is living in her GOT DAMN truth.  And it’s Sofa King Fabulous.

Please, join me. 

Let’s live our Best Whole Ass Lives for the rest of 2018. 

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Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGE👏🏾ME👏🏾NOT👏🏾

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.