Tag Archive | Love

Awaken My Love…

I had two goals for this trip home. To see the people who matter to me, and get all the food I’m about to give up for the rest of my life. The latter isn’t working out all that well. But this blog is really about the former goal. 

I’ve stated since college, that I created my own family.  I’ve picked and chosen who I was going to rely on and trust.  I’ve actually been doing it since high school though.

My freshman year of high school, I met my best friend. Our relationship has been through so many things, sometimes I’m in awe that we’ve made it this far. But during this trip home I realized she’s my sister. We don’t even have to talk to have a whole conversation. We became a Triad our sophomore when I introduced her to a friend from biology class. From that point on, there is no picture that I could find that isn’t the 3 of us. 

We were always together, even after I changed schools. We did everything together. I was a triplet for about 6 years.  As friendships do, folks starting fighting over dumb shit (read: boys, drugs, and money) and I was the friend in the middle for a while.  Then I was the friend alone. We made up, in some shapes and forms after college, but that closeness from high school seemed to be unattainable.

In college, Zeta brought me my brothers, and another 2 sisters. They looked out for me, even when I didn’t know they were. Even though some of us didn’t develop our relationships fully until 7 years ago, the foundation started there. It’s hard to meet people, and instantly connect. Let alone if that connection stays through kids, heartbreak, marriages, and location changes. 

This trip, I got to finally introduce my high school best friend to some of the other people who make up my core. And it brought me so much Joy. Cuz she gets it now.  Why these people matter so much to me. Why I am who I am now, because of these relationships. 

In October, I sat down with the other triplet and just talked it out.  It wasn’t pretty but it was necessary. Because we let something small become something huge that changed our lives forever.  This trip, the 3 of us went to lunch. 4 hours went by so fast! It was like old times, a conversational ebb and flow that I’d forgotten could exist. 

I’m so glad we did that. I don’t know where it’s going to go, but I know that friendship isn’t stuck in the past anymore. We are grown ass women, which grown ass lives, who can still make each other laugh, cry, and think. I had missed that so much more than I probably wanted to admit to myself.

In the past, I refused to mix friend factions. Everyone had to stay in their proper lane, no merging.  I can totally understand why I did that, because I wasn’t secure in those friendships. I had yet to realize that I mattered to them as much as they mattered to me. But now…I want them all together all the time!

This trip for me has firmly solidified for me why my core group of people are so important to me. It’s also shown me, that if thrown in a room together they would probably all love each other. The mix of personalities and humors and world views would always lead to good conversations and adventures. To road trips, and girls weekends, and grown ass sleepovers. 

Cuz it’s all love. I can bask in being the hub for all this love, being the person who could bring them all together, and not be worried that I might lose them to each other.  I think they all kind of like me at this point ūüėÄ. 

These are My Confessions Part 3: Open Windows

I chose my Therapist. Purposefully. He had worked with a former client of mine, and he struck me during our interactions as a smart man. Who understood the dichotomy of being black in Tucson, and how it would affect a child in the foster care system. 

So when I made the decision to seek out some profeasional help, I called him first. I crossed my fingers, and hoped he was accepting new patients. I know it was God that opened up that spot, cuz the day before I called him he had closed out a case. 

Today, was the first time I laughed and smiled during a session. Last week was 30 minutes of tears, because the world is so scary. But today, I laughed so loud and long. Because I’m figuring shit out, finally. My emotions are no longer taking over my rational mind. Which is beautiful. 

I laughed because he is so quick to call me on my shit. Sometimes he can just do it with a look. He doesn’t allow me to be ashamed of anything, he makes me address shit. I’ve been living in survival mode for so long, I’d forgotten how good mental clarity felt. 

Today, I smiled and laughed and talked about my feelings without fear. I caught myself speaking some truth I wasn’t expecting. I’m changing the way I interact with people. I’m letting people in, and it doesn’t terrify me….as much. It’s progress. 

Therapy is frequently my favorite part of the week. For an hour, it’s all about me unpacking my life. It’s dedicated time each week to do the work. Part of me still thinks it’s hella selfish. That I could be spending that money on something else. But that’s a VERY small part of me. Because I’m finally starting to see the results of the work. 

Confession #3: I leave windows open for those people I’m hoping will come back into my life. 

I don’t usually announce I’m leaving the window open, but it’s there. Cuz I’m quick to block people I no longer want to have access to my life. Be it via Social Media, or by blocking their phone number and/or email addresses. When I’m done, I’m done. 

My laughter in today’s session came from the realization that I blocked my family on social media….but I didn’t block the Unicorn. Cuz I’m hoping he comes back. I’m not done with that yet. I’m not done with him yet.  Do I want to just tell him off, or am I hoping there is another chance somewhere in there? I don’t know. I know, up until he started liking my pics on Instagram recently, he wasn’t on my radar. But I hadn’t denied him access, I just took away MY access to him. 

Truth be told, he hurt my feelings. Deeply. Until I get to say that to his face, I’m going to always feel a way. And that’s okay. Maybe next week, I’ll unpack that a little bit more. But I’m still smiling, cuz everything for a reason and in its own time.  

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Dear MJ,

By now, you’ve been in college for 3 whole weeks. ¬†Enjoy it, this is the best time of your life. ¬†This is where you meet the people who change your life forever. ¬†Savor the geographical closeness of friends, and take full advantage of every new experience. ¬†Try everything at least once, take pictures of everything. ¬†It doesn’t stay like this forever. ¬†There are some very dark times ahead. ¬†You will use the happiness of this year to get you through some of those times. ¬†Be Glad I warned you.

On Friendship . . . 

The people you meet in these 4 years, are¬†your family. ¬†Not just friends in passing, but the shoulders you will cry on when life is falling apart. ¬†You will leave college with Brothers would would fight a bear for you. ¬†You will leave with Sisters who will fight that same bear, and probably send evil text messages to that bear’s whole family for years, just because they love you. ¬†Some of the people you start this journey with, won’t make it until the end. ¬†You will lose great friends, but find them again ¬†. . . even if it takes 17 more years to reconnect. MJ, these friends are lifetime friends. ¬†Don’t take them for granted.

On Your Hair . . . 

MJ, you are going natural in 1999. ¬†A full 10 years before the Natural Revolution. ¬†Good Job being a pioneer. ¬†Going natural for you was a necessity, and not a protest of the white man’s wish that you assimilate to European standards of beauty. ¬†You just don’t know how to do your hair, and that’s okay. ¬† But your hair is beautiful, enjoy the texture. ¬†You are Beautiful, MJ. Everything about you is Beautiful. Sadly, no one is going to recognize you need to hear that from time to time. ¬†You won’t feel beautiful until your 20’s,¬†¬†But I’m telling you now.

On Your Career . . .

Right now, you are probably sitting in your programming class, wondering how the hell you are going to program a damn computer to play Rock Paper Scissors with you. ¬†You are going to get your first failing grade on a test. ¬†Don’t worry, it’s going to get better!

You are going to find your calling, Children.  You are going to go through a few different phases.  Education, Tutoring, and you are going to land on Social Work.  God put you on this earth, MJ, to help children.  You are great at it.  You will make a lasting impact on hundreds of children.

Sadly, the profession you choose isn’t gonna keep them pockets fat. ¬†You are going to end up being the poor friend. ¬†Except, you won’t figure that out until you are 34. ¬†You learn to survive with what you have. ¬†Some years are going to be much worse than others, but as you get closer to your true purpose, you will figure out how be handle your money better.

Money is going to cause you to shed some tears, some ugly ass tears. ¬†But MJ, you will survive it. ¬†So keep going, even when you feel like you can’t.

On Love . . . 

People are going to break your heart. ¬†Remember those dark times I was talking about . . . The first time is coming in about 10 months. ¬†Don’t try to stop it. ¬†He’s your soulmate. ¬†That kind of love is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. ¬†He’s going to stay with you the rest of your life. ¬†But losing it, is going to break you.

I mean, devastate you, and no one around you will see it. ¬†No one around you will recognize the signs of depression, because Black People Don’t Get Depressed. ¬†It takes about 10 years, but he comes back, and he’s one of your best friends.

True Love is something you are going to look for in almost every person you meet, which is stupid. ¬†Nora Roberts fucked you on that. ¬†There is no such thing. ¬†It’s just emotional connections that work out or not. ¬†The other two guys, who will both break your heart by the way, they aren’t bad people. ¬†They just couldn’t handle you, and how intense you can be. ¬†Calm the fuck down, MJ. Take it slowly. ¬†Stop trying to make every guy your future husband. ¬†Calm the FUCK Down.

On Sex . . . 

You are going to waste your college years. ¬†This is the time in life, when you should be whoring it up. But you won’t, because they told you men only marry the good girls. ¬†THEY LIED. Men marry the Jump Offs. ¬†You are going to be SO PISSED once you figure that out. ¬†Sorry girl, you should have been a heaux. You had the PERFECT dating app, Greek Life. And what are you gonna do, MJ? Be friends with everyone. ¬†Dumb Ass.

However, your greatest sexual encounters are going to be with people you’ve been friends with most of¬†your life. ¬†So that’s something, right MJ? You can hold out for that, you’ve only got like 13 more years to wait.

On Your Sexual Identity . . .

It’s okay that you like girls too. ¬†It’s okay that you have crushes on girls in college. ¬†Even though you grew up in church, and they told you something was wrong with you because you liked girls . . . It’s okay. Even though people in your family drop the F-Word with ease, and try to shame their male children for being sensitive . . . it’s OKAY.

It’s perfectly NORMAL to be BiSexual. You will be happier once you stop hiding it. ¬†And you are going to meet some amazing people that help you get there. ¬†Let Your Flag Fly MJ. It’s okay to be Queer.

Finally, MJ . . . 

These plans you have right now for your life, on who you are going to be, and where you are going to end up . . . WRONG. Stop trying to be like everyone else. ¬†You aren’t. ¬†You are so Different, and Special, and Beautiful, and Unique. ¬†There is no one in this world like you. Your personal freedom will come, when you embrace yourself.

Stop comparing yourself to your friends, it won’t bode well for you. ¬†Be Proud of who you are, in that moment. ¬†Every single tear is going to be worth it. ¬†The pain won’t last always, MJ. You are going to make it. ¬†And it’s going to be Spectacular.

I’m Proud of You MJ,

34 Year Old You.

White Picket Dreams or TAMC Part 2a

I’m sitting here looking at this old canvas
And the picture looks so different from you
Yes it does, yes it does
Maybe it’s time to go back to the drawing board
Cause it’s likely that the man I drew is fictional

Here’s the thing . . . I haven’t listened to this album in a while. ¬†I can’t tell you why, I just haven’t. ¬†But thanks to my Spotify Discover Weekly, this song popped up, and Solange changed my life again. ¬†Cuz I’ve been painting over the same canvas for years. ¬†That image of the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect relationship. ¬†I continue to try to make people (men and women) I meet fit on one of the canvases I created in college, that was supposed to represent what my life should be. ¬†Even while knowing the canvas is bullshit. ¬†Because it is.

For five long years
I thought you were my man
But I found out
I’m just a link in your chain

It took me 10 years to get over my first love (TBTLINY). Through mostly no fault of his own, I was just holding on to the hope that we could make it work. ¬†Because the connection was so deep, and the love was so strong. It just HAD to work. But in real life, he was just meant to be my friend (I think). {I might still be holding out hope that he will come to his senses, so sue me. ¬†You don’t know my life.} But he’s been the prototype, for everyone that has come afterward. ¬†They have to make me feel like I did when I first heard his voice, I have to want to be with them like I wanted to be with TBTLINY. The connection had to be that strong. Repainting on the same canvas.

If I could… could forget him,¬†I would… please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it’s not… not that easy
You treat me so much better than him,¬†And if I was sane there’d be no competition

But… but I’m in love with someone else (ooh)
And I’m so sorry hey hey
I’m in love with another man
And I know it ain’t right

Instead of trying to heal, you tried to move on. ¬†Even though you weren’t ready. ¬†You might have even found a good guy/girl. ¬†But you were still staring at that old canvas. ¬†Longing for the life you had created in your head and your heart. ¬†It’s so hard to let go of the image, once it’s been solidified in your mind. ¬†That painting is stuck to the walls, and it’s not coming down until it wants to.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night
But that was all before he came
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right
But now he’s here
It’s not the same, it’s not the same

So then you meet this new person, and they can do all the things. ¬†They make you smile all day, and you feel all the feelings, and they fit the mold. ¬†Finally, you can take that portrait off the wall, and start making a new one. ¬†But instead of starting over, you use the outline of the last painting to create this one.At first, it works perfectly. ¬†Slowly but surely, it’s the little things that don’t quite fit. ¬†The painting starts to go outside the lines. They don’t quite seem so perfect, you start to see the flaws, the colors start changing, lines get blurred. ¬†Once again, the picture in your head was wrong.

Some of you know what it feels like
Caught up just in his life
Don’t wanna try again, thinking what’s the difference?
Why am I not interested?
Cause when you’ve been broken, you feel like no one can fix it

I’ve decided to stop painting. ¬†I just . . . Quit. And I’m okay with that. Clearly, me trying to control every bit of this isn’t working. So I’m done now. ¬†I just needed to say that. ¬†Cuz yeah. ¬†That’s the conclusion I reached yesterday. Just stop trying, cuz Adulting is hard enough without trying to be a master painter.

My need to control every little part of my life is driving me crazy. ¬†I can say that now, probably because when this blog is published, not that many people will read it. ¬†I wrote this a few months ago, but then I didn’t publish it. ¬†At the time, it was because I couldn’t get the Spotify links to work right . . . But you know, everything in time. ¬†So I’ll post it now, and let this be another part of Confession #2.

 

 

 

These are my Confessions Part 2

I think, I’ve only been in love 3 times. I’m not talking about bullshit crushes or infatuation. But genuine love, the kind that makes for a beautiful relationship if nurtured correctly. 

#1 is and will always be my first love/soul mate. We literally grew up together. We argue, and fall out, and Hate each other frequently. But he has a piece of me forever. 

#2 is The One That Got Away. We speak very infrequently, maybe once or twice a year. It was easy to forget WHY I fell for him in the first place. But that love is still there. Just under the surface every time we talk.

#3 broke my heart, and to cope, I stopped feeling things. Most emotions are non-existent for me, and have been for the last 4 years. It wasn’t a conscious decision on my part, but I’ve noticed it and commented on it a few times in the past. 

There was a time when being emotionally numb kept me from losing my shit on an hourly basis. My mind created this block to save me from myself. I understand that. I’ve felt safe in the numbness for these past few years. I had a whole ass 9 month long relationship, and not one feeling was exchanged. Not any real ones anyway. I was actually able to fake a relationship. 

But…. for a brief moment today, I felt something. And it scared the fuck outta me, and I relished the feeling all at the same time. I was smiling, and my heart did that flutter thing it does when you get excited about a guy {is that just me?}

It was of course, one of those 3 people I mentioned before. Because I can feel a myriad of emotions for people in my past. I can bring up those feelings and those moments with ease. I can bask in the safety those moments (good and bad) bring me, without any real fear of the outcome. Because those are MY memories. 

I don’t have to share them with anyone, even if those memories involve another person. But making NEW memories, extending myself and investing an emotion in someone new….impossible for me. 

And even as I see this happening, I’m unable to force my brain, mind, heart, soul, or whatever controls my emotional muscles, to push (it)themselves past what they already know.  

He made me smile today, just because he thought of me, and had to call.  My heart jumped, and I was short of breath as I picked up the phone. And I felt the love that has always been there, that I’d had forgotten was still there. 

And my first reaction, was to call him back after our conversation ended, and say I need a break from these feels. We can’t talk for a while, because I don’t like this feeling. Not at all. I can’t feel anything real for you, I don’t do that anymore. 

My Confession: I’m really worried I’ll never love anyone again. I’m worried I won’t even try to find it, all because losing it might just take me all the way out. 

Why Hello Depression . . . You weren’t Missed at All.

It’s hard to explain to people how your attitude can change with a look, or the lack of one. ¬†I started out this morning on a good note. ¬†I was happy, and I had just received some great news. ¬†I haven’t had another seizure, and I might actually be losing weight. ¬†There is no reason for me to be on the verge of tears. And yet, I am.

Something as stupid as not receiving an email, made me feel stupid and ostracized and unwanted. I feel unvalued, and unimportant. ¬†I feel less than. ¬†And that’s a slippery slope. ¬†Because usually, the way I deal with that is reaching out to someone to make me feel special. Usually, the best way to do that is sexually, or eating. Both of them, at one time or another, were my go-to methods of self-help.

I’m sitting on my* porch, and trying to figure out why I’m in this place again. ¬†The only real trigger is the fact that I walked into a chapter meeting, and I didn’t get the “Wear Black, we are taking chapter pictures,” email. I looked unprofessional, and unprepared. ¬†I felt stupid. ¬†And how VAIN is that. ¬†That was my trigger, not looking perfect.

This seizure has changed so much of my life. ¬†More than I can even speak on at the moment. But not having the control of my own space, my own transportation, my own schedule has been such a struggle for me. ¬†I’m used to only having to rely on me to get things done. ¬†I’m starting to feel the pressure of depending on others.

And it’s not even pressure from the outside. ¬†It’s me telling myself you have to do and be all the things. ¬†You can’t be weak. ¬†People are expecting you to fail, get it together. And I can’t. It seems like around every corner is yet another obstacle getting in my way. My emotions are out of control almost all the time. ¬†I miss my friends. I hate when people talk to me in my free time. I’m going to make people hate me soon, just so that I can have some peace in my life.

I’ve been in Arizona for 7+ years. ¬†This is home to me. But I MISS MY FRIENDS. I miss the ability to go see someone whenever I want to. ¬†I’m trying to navigate new relationships, and I don’t know where I stand in them. ¬†I don’t know what I want, and at the same time, trying to figure out if I still believe in the word Hope. I’m miserable when I get free time. ¬†I hate thinking, I hate my idle mind. ¬†I want quiet ¬†. . . with someone else there.

Nothing I’m currently thinking makes any sense. ¬†That’s what my depression looks like. ¬†One bad day, followed by several good ones. ¬†Pushing everything down, because I have to work. ¬†People are counting on me, get it together. ¬†But that one day . . . it hits when I don’t have something in front of me to distract me from my inner voice. ¬†That voice used to be my mom. ¬†It kept me motivated. ¬†That voice has become my own, and I’m sad. I can’t seem to find the words to get out of these funks.

I need my support system here, in Arizona. ¬†I need A support system in Arizona. The only person who has had my back my whole life is my mother, and I just . . . she’s getting older. She’s spent my entire life having my back, and I should be working on having hers. And I’m not, because I’m in this place. The place that won’t allow me to let go and have faith. This place that makes me sad, and attitudinal and RUDE to her. Because I’m so afraid of losing her. I don’t know what my life would be without her here. And I’m so afraid, this fear is nothing i’ve ever felt before. I just watched my siblings have to say goodbye to their mother, and I’m so AFRAID.

Maybe that’s the base of my whatever the hell this is. ¬†That every day, I’m looking at my mom, and realizing how blessed I am having her in my life. Maybe that’s it.

Whatever the hell it is, I’m not in the right place. And it’s easier to write that here, and share it with strangers, than ask my friends for help. It’s easier to post this, and pretend it’s just another blog post, and not a cry for ¬†. . . something. ¬†Not help, because I’m tired of needing help from people. I can post this here, and be selfish enough to be this emo, and not interrupt people’s lives crying and being sad. This depression thing, it comes in waves. ¬†It hasn’t crashed down on me, yet. ¬†I’m not drowning, yet. ¬†But I’m soaked right now.

Dear Hip-Hop and R&B . . . I missed you

The best thing about music, is that it’s infinite, right? Music can be anything, sound like anything, mean anything at any given time.¬† Recently, I’ve found myself stuck in a musical rut.¬† Only listening to songs ive known for 5+ years, and not really exploring other music.¬† Possibly because my life has been in such a constant state of turmoil, and I’ve been needing to find my balance.¬† I’ve felt so off lately, and so out of control. So imagine my surprise when new music is the thing that finally brought me some peace. I’m not quite sure how/why I decided to try new albums and listen to other peoples outlooks on life, but I’m really glad I did.

BJ The Chicago Kid – In My Mind

I’ve been hearing this was a good album from people I trust on Twitter.¬† 3 days ago, I started listening while I was getting ready for work.¬† The MINUTE i heard Big K.R.I.T’s voice on The Resume, I apporoved this album.¬† Cuz K.R.I.T is #Bae, and always will be.¬† Jill Scott had already co-signed him on her most recent album, and the song i’d heard with Chance the Rapper (also #Bae) was good, so I kept listening.¬† This is an album you put on when you want to write about Love and God and how they intersect in your life.¬† It’s an excellent album to have playing in the background during a cakin’ session with your new potential boo, or while you are organizing stuff on a Saturday night.¬† His voice is smooth, and has an underlying soul that has been missing with new artists.¬† He also samples GOOD soul music. Also, Kendrick Lamar.¬† Cuz (you guessed it) #Bae. Speaking of Kendrick . . .

Kendrick Lamar – Untitled Unmastered.

1) Kudos for the Surprise Album.  It was well played, and  GOOD album.  Each song is solid, they all sound good.
2) Alicia Key’s Son, Egypt, produced Track 7. Like, he created the beat. HE’S 5 YEARS OLD. The child is clearly already proving he’s a musical genius.¬† And why not, Homewrecker Keys + Swizz Beats = Musical Talent.¬† Also, Kudos Kendrick for using the beat, and making it my favorite track on the album.
3) I love that each song sounds like a continuation of a song from either To Pimp a Butterfly or GKMC.¬† These songs could be put on either of those albums, and still have a lasting impact.¬† His message is consistent, and when most artists are trying to sound and be different every other day, it’s actually pretty refresshing.
4) Did you see his Grammy Performance? This Man is #WOKE. Whew, he made white folks SO mad and confused at the same damn time!

Tweet – Charlene

I missed this Tweet. This album actually reminds me of her debut album. The reason it was so successful was because we could relate to every song. The same can be said for Charlene. It feels like the diary of a relationship. All those emotions that you go through after you break up, all the songs you need to sing to yourself to heal. The overall tone of the album is, “I’m grown, and I’ve made some mistakes. But don’t get it twisted, I’m still amazing.”

Chris Brown ft. Usher & Zayn – F**k You Back to Sleep (Remix)

Okay seriously, I haven’t even listened to Chris Brown’s new album. I hear it’s good, the cover art is cute. But he looks like too much of a meth addict for me to enjoy his music right now. But this remix right here . . . . Like OMG. Usher and Zayn in one song. Just grrrrr. Ursher . . . Yes Ursher’s verse is the best one. He’s so nasty. Using all those bad words, talking about all that grown up stuff. He done went and got murried, and now he ain’t shamed about his grown up sex life. Also, Zayn could GET IT. Like for Real he could get all the business. He looks like the British guy who’s first girlfriend was a black girl with a cockney accent. Even Chris yelling out Karruche’s name like an ass hole in the middle of the song doesn’t bother me . . .that much. Its a song you can play on repeat when you need to get your mind right, or let your mind go. It can serve a dual purpose. This got added to a FEW playlists.

So yeah, that what I’m currently listening to. I’m also looking forward to some new albums coming out this year. Beyonc√©, Fantasia, Anthony Hamilton, KMichelle (judge if you must). A lot of folks are in the studio right now, so I’m excited for the next few months. What are you currently listening to?

I’m Feelin’ Myself

There comes a time in every woman’s life, that she realizes her true worth.¬† This moment can last a lifetime, or it can be a fleeting/passing thought.¬† But every woman will have this moment.¬† I had mine on October 28th, 2015.¬† After a two hour phone conversation with MM, I realized that for the 1st time since we “broke up”, I was happy again.  ¬† I was actually able to say to him, “I wish I had met you now, because I’m amazing and you don’t even get to experience that.”
5 years ago, he was the most interesting person in the world to me.¬† I’d never met anyone like him.¬† He added something to my life that was missing, in my opinion.¬†

I had a job I loved, and apartment that felt like home, friends and family that were close enough to see when I wanted, but far enough I didn’t have to worry about them dropping by unannouced.¬† I was content. Out of the blue, I found someone to share it with. I could come home, and talk to another person about my day, and know they understood my angst, frustrations, and triumphs. That’s what had been missing, and I didn’t even know that was something I needed to get to that next level.¬†

I’m there again in my life.¬† I can finally say I’m back to the point in my life that I’m consistantly happy at the end of the day.¬† I walk into my home that I love, after working my 2 jobs that change children’s lives, and can look around and be pleased with myself.¬† I’ve gotten to the point where I know who/what I need in my life at any given moment.¬† My emotions are no longer scary, I’m no longer compelled to eat my way through them.¬† I can hold myself accountable financially, and even put money in a savings account and not touch it.¬†

I know what I want my next relationship to look like.¬† I know where I want to be in 12 years.¬† I have a plan now.¬† I have so much knowledge about the wrold, and how it works.¬† Some of the knowledge came from difficult times, but it’s valued just the same.¬† Somewhere in the last year, I’ve become this new person.¬† This new me: She knows her worth.¬† She is no longer afraid to speak her mind.¬† She no longer hides behind ‘What I should Be,’ instead, she basks in Who I Am.

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Who Am I
1) A Social Worker – I work every day to find family members, and bring them back together.¬† To get kids out of the Foster Care system, and find them a forever home. I’m able to use my powerful skills of conversation, to make people look at the world differently, and use my own story to help them let go of some of their pain.¬† I’ve found the perfect job for me – I get paid to stalk people on the internet, then convince them to do what I want them to.¬† Because . . . Awesome!

2) My Mother’s Child – Personality Wise, we are pretty much the same person at this point.¬† She’s my hero, and I wanna be like her when I grow up. I want to raise a child the way she raised me, and hopefully make the same impact on their life that she has made on mine.¬† I’m so happy to consider my mother my friend now, it’s been a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything.

3) A Proud Member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc – I’ve finally found a chapter that is going to help me become more active in the community, and eventually the country.¬† I’m finally ready to get back to that side of me, MJ the Super Zeta. I’m ready to introduce a new generation of kids to greek life.¬† To invite children to stepshows, and involve them in community service.¬† To network in the city of Tucson, and the state of Arizona. To do this Zeta thing the RIGHT way this time, and use all my life experiences to make my community a better place.

4) A Registered Behavioral Technician – I work with kiddos on the Autism Spectrum and help them to be the best version of themselves possible, be it at home, in public, or at school.¬† And I’m Damn Good at it. Now, I am Nationally Certified to do so.¬† I’ve been working with kids on the spectrum since my frist year of teaching, even though we didn’t know at the time one of my students was on the spectrum.¬† There is a special kind of blessing that comes from helping a child open up to the world, when they have only been in their own world for so long.

5) A Child of God – Most of my life, I’ve struggled with my religious identity.¬† Being raised in the church, I often felt bad for questioning certain things.¬† Adulthood and life has lead me to understand that God is in everything.¬† He/She/They doesn’t just have to live in a baptist church, or in Jesus, or in Allah.¬† God is Love.¬† God is Living a life of Service to others.¬† God is finding the Beauty in even the most Ugly of situations.¬† I can finally say, “Giving Honor to God who is the head of my Life,” and know what that means, which is a blessing in and of itself.

I’m sure there are more labels that apply to me.¬† These are the 5 I choose to highlight today.¬† Everyday, I thank God for the person he has allowed me to become, and hope I stop fighting him so much when he takes me down a path I wasn’t expecting.¬† I guess this is going to be my “Me at 34,” birthday blog, just a little bit early.¬† Thanks for Reading ūüôā

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Words and Sounds of My Life: The College Years

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So thanks to Spotify, I had the best flashback to my college years today. Some of the best memories I have in life have been associated to college, and the music that was popular at the time.¬† Since I can’t just comment on all the songs that were in thei playlist, I’m going to talk about 5 of my favorite. Let’s get it started.

 

If you can listen to this song, and not HAVE to move your body, you are not only dead inside, but you might actually be dead.¬† This album came out my Sophomore year, and I can tell you right now, my suitemates probably hate Limp Bizkit to this day! Cuz this was my wake-up music . . . For my 8:00am classes.¬† Every day. For an entire semester.¬† I was an asshole, I’m able to admit that now.¬† I was also going through a DEEP depression at the time.¬† Limp Bizkit was all about the angry white girl who lived inside me – Meeghan – needing to yell and scream and be angry about her life.¬† Plus, this song GOES. Every single verse on this song is A+ . . . And the BEAT!!! I mean really!

 

Remember the first time you heard this song? For me, it was the summer before Junior year, riding in Jigga’s car on the way back to campus.¬† I was working in the UD Bakery, and HAD to have this song on the next Mix CD he was going to make for me.¬† The fact that she was so young, and so talented, we all knew she was going to blow up.¬† I went to Napster (DAMN YOU METALLICA YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!) and searched for any and everything she had out.¬† When the album finally dropped, we played it non-stop.¬† I knew every song on that album by heart – the vocalizations, the harmonies, the ad-libs – and tried to sing every song perfectly.¬† This was before the cyst on my vocal chords cock-blocked my quest to audition for American Idol. This was also the summer I was dumb enough to fall back in love with TBTLINY . . . Ahhh youth.

 

Again, Sophomore Year.¬† When we watched TRL relentlessly, just to see if *NSYNC or BSB was going to be in the top spot. This album was when I realized a) there were 5 people in the group¬† b) but I only knew what 2 of them sounded like and c) That Justin had to date Black Girls on the Low-Low.¬† He had WAAAAAAAAY too much soul on Just Got Paid.¬† That Just Got Paid was even on the album in the first place…. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Holy War my suitemates and I had with the Girls down the hall, who were HUGE BSB fans. Like, they had posters on their front door counting down until Black & Blue came out, then when it came out they made a Birth Announcement.¬† Those girls were crazy,and we messed with them the whole year.¬† Walking down the hall singing *NSYNC songs at the top of our lungs, or moving stuff on their door.¬† I don’t think we did actual damage . . . I don’t THINK we did.

 

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.¬† I STILL love this song.¬† My favorite memory of this song is actually tied to a kid I used to babysit that went to the child care center on campus.¬† One day, while I was changing his diaper in the room, the radio was on.¬† Of course I was singing, and when I got to the chorus, he thought the Whoooooo was like the best thing to ever happen in his life! He laughed and laughed, and any time I saw him for the rest of the year he would look up to me, waiting for me to say “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson. . .” Just so he could do the Whoooooooooo.¬† That kid was awesome!

This goes out to Santos Santiago Manuel Pabon.¬† This was HIS Favorite Song, like of ever of life.¬† At every Greek party, Meringue Night, BATU House Party, Santos was going to request this song.¬† I’m not quite sure WHY it was his favorite song, but the smile on his face every single time it played was EVERYTHING. This beautiful kid from Puerto Rico, with more hair products than most girls I knew, was one of my BEST friends while he was at UD.¬† I sometimes wonder where he is, and what he’s doing with his life.¬† I picture him as a Doctor, working with his dad, changing lives.¬† Every time I hear this song, I say out loud, “Awwwww Santos!”

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Thank you for joining my on this trip down UD Memory Lane.¬† I’m sure I’ll be doing this again some time in the near future.

Late Nights & Early Mornings

So insomnia is a thing. I’ve been dealing with it for about 9 months now. But that not the purpose of this quick blog. I had a dream last night.

In this dream I was living in the house I grew up in, as an adult. I was on the phone with my best friend, listening to her troubles about her girlfriend. While talking to her, my other line rang. When I checked to see who it was, TFN popped up.

No one currently in my life has the initials TFN or the nickname TFN but I felt very strongly in this dream I had to pick up. I told my friend, sorry this is important and pick up my other line.

Turns out, it was MM. After a conversation about nothing, I said to him please let me come over so I can lay with you and solve my best friends problem. He said sure. At this point in the dream I rushed out of bed, threw on clothes and ran out the door, yelling at my mom where I was going.

I woke up smiling. Then I was sad. Then I was pissed. Cuz it wasn’t real. He and I still aren’t friends and never will be. I still dontnhave access to him. And what kind of person am I that I would still drop everything for him. 4 got damn years later. I felt so weak. I judged the shit out of myself. Because I’m really afraid that if that really happened, I’d do the same thing.

So yeah, that.