Tag Archive | Lowered Expectations

But I Loves Me a Big Girl Tho . . .

Okay, now we know that I have talked, at great length, about the problems that have plagued me in the dating world as a Big Girl.  I’ve discussed everything from Obesity being a Scary Word, to being told by several people that i need to Lower My Expectations because I’m fat. Please read those two blogs for background information if you need to.  For now,

Let’s discuss my complete and utter hatred for the phrase:

I Love Me a Big Girl

1) I know I’m considered a Big Girl. I embrace my Big Girl Status.  In 2011, with every Big Girl under the sun deciding that Fat is Ugly and losing weight, I kinda pride myself in being one of the last Big Girl’s standing.  Take Note, I in no way promote Morbid Obesity, but everyone wasn’t meant to be skinny.  We all know someone who used to be a Big Girl, lost all the weight, and just isn’t quite right.  Like that Lutha’ Curl Cedric the Entertainer was talking about, they just can’t quite get it together.  I don’t hate myself, I don’t hate being Fat. I don’t hate being considered Obese.  I hate that it’s the only thing you see about me.

2) As per my “Save a Horse – Ride a Big Girl” blog, I know that we are sexier than most women.  I know the sex is phenomenal, life changing even.  I know that some dudes only date Big Girls, because they know the sex is the shyt.  I don’t care.  You do what the hell you feel you need to do.  But how dare you come at me like, “The only reason you matter is because you are a Big Girl.” I’m trying to figure out exactly where the Big Girls are that fall for this, because all the ones that I know would probably punch a dude in the face if he even alluded that was the reason he was talking to her.

3) I’d love for a dude to walk up to a Skinny Bitch, and be like “Got damn girl, I love me a heaux that don’t eat food.” Or for a girl to walk up to a dude and be like, ” You walk with the Big Dick Swagger, I’m trying to holla at you.” It doesn’t matter that you’re thinking it.  It matters that you can’t keep that shit to yourself.  I know that I appeal to a certain type.  Every dude isn’t going to look at me, and be like I’m trying to hump.  But really, is that supposed to make me like you MORE? I often question men that are so quick to say they are attracted to Big Girls, because of the WAY they say it.  They say with an expectation, like I am just going to fall in love with them because they take pity on my fatness.  I could be wrong, but I honestly don’t think I am.  I have been fat for the majority of my life, some shit you just figure out.

4) Also, don’t dudes lie anymore?!?!  Like don’t you wanna pretend that you are trying to do something other than hump.  Or have we, as women, been asking for so much honesty in everything else that a man thinks it’s okay to approach you and tell you, “I’m looking for a Cutty Buddy.” Did you think that because I’m Fat, I would be okay with that?  Like oh, a man is paying attention to me.  That’s more than I usually get, so I am going to jump at this opportunity.  I just . . .

5) Gotdammit, Fat Girls everywhere, stop falling for the okey-doke.  You are more than just the fat rolls and overly lubricated Vagina.  That fat is a part of you, not the whole of you.  Stop letting these men use that as the way they describe you. “This is my Big Girl *insert name here*. She is cute for a Big Girl ain’t she.” No Mu’Fucka, I’m cute got dammit.  I’m not cute for a fat girl!

6) Are there some things we probably all want/need to chage about ourselves? Yes.

But that doesn’t mean that you need to go from a size 24, to a size two.  I can tell you right now, I will NEVER see a single digit size.  Not because I don’t think it’s possible, but because I don’t want to be that small.

Am I going to go back to the gym, and meet with the really sexy Mexican trainer that was my motivation to go to the gym? Yes.

But I’m not there to suddently have a happy life because I’m not fat anymore.

Skinny only Equals Happiness for Rich White People.

I will never be that.  When I tell you I am so pissed off.  Not even so much that men think it’s okay to say things like that.  It’s moreso that we, as Big Girls, Skinny Girls, Tall Girls, Short Girls, Black girls, White Girls, Crippled Girls, Deaf Girls, Slutty Girls have allowed these labels to continue to define us.   I know that looks matter, and so does physical attraction, but . . .

That’s. Not. All.

I couldn’t even make the effort to try to explain to this 25-year-old Man, who came from Philly, to live with his mother, who met me as I was getting out of my CAR, while he was standing at a gas station looking like a bum, and talked to me about me going to WORK at 7 in the morning, WHY I was insulted.

I REFUSE to take what the hell is handed to me.  I am not going to drink the “Fat Girl” Koolaid……

….and neither The FUCK should you!

Your Thoughts?

Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol. 11: Just My Imagination?

In the previous installment of  CSBF – Vol 10: What These Bitches Want from a N*gga, I talked about what SOME women want a man to be.  Most of my female friends said it was a great read, but I don’t know of very many men who read it, which is fine.  It’s my hope that one day, a man will stumble across my Joyful Words of Wisdom, and realize how stupid he has been all his life towards women.  It could all be a pipe dream, but it’s MY dream, so I will stick to it.

Speaking of Dreams, lets talk about having expectations.  Those things that you want for yourself, and believe that you deserve just because you are you.  Most women say, “I just want the man who is perfect for me,” and that is a noble statement.  But I call Bullshit.  You want the Perfect Man.  You want women to want to be you because of the man you have.  You want to be able to feel the regret of all your ex’s when you and your new man walk into the room.

Is there a difference between having Standards and Unrealistic Expectations?

My Classified ad for my future husband would look like this:


  • 35 years or older Black Man. College educated (BA/BS preferred).
  • Member of BGLO preferred, but not required (D9 affiliation is a must)
  • No Children, or STD’s.
  • Must have credit score of 600+ (exceptions will be made if student loans are involved)
  • Must have CAREER not a job.
  • Fidelity is a must, please have sown all your wild oats.
  • Must have a relationship with your family (either the one God gave you, or the one you have created for yourself)
  • Must have a strong relationship with God (Jesus Freaks need not apply)
  • Must be taller than 5’8″ and in decent health.
  • Must be attractive to me, and must be ATTRACTED to me.
  • Should be able to hold conversations with groups of various ethnic/religious/social backgrounds.
  • Must have clean criminal record. No felonies or misdemeanors. (Speeding tickets accepted.)
  • Must live alone. No roommates, family members, ex-girlfriend/best friend/occasional love interest allowed.
  • Must be ready to commit to a stable loving and committed relationship within the next year.

Finding this man in today’s world is like – Finding a Leopard Print, Purple Unicorn on the Isle of Altantis.  In the middle of a Catergory 7 Hurricane on February 31th.

Yes, this is what I want.  He may actually exist, somewhere in this world.  What is the probability of me finding him? Unless Oprah or Ellen finds my blog, and posts it on their websites, Slim to NONE.  We all have that picture in our head of who and what we want in life.  It’s okay to have hopes and dreams and thoughts about what would make you happy. But are they really just delusions of grandeur?

Cleaning out my DVR today, I actually watched “What Chili Wants,” and part of me wanted to just send her and email and say,” Bish Please!”  The other part of me wanted to say, “Why is it so bad to know what you want?” In the fight to find your mate, you have to know what you WON’T accept.  Somethings will be a deal breaker, and that is okay.  But, are you sticking to your guns because you want to control every aspect of your man/relationship, or because there is some logical explanation as to why you can’t have A, B, or C in your life?

Even after you have established your rules/guidelines, God has a way of laughing at you.  He might send you the exact opposite of everything you ever thought you wanted, and it might end up perfect for you.  Set your rules ladies, have them in the forefront of your mind.  Just don’t let them stop you from finding happiness.

  1. Finding a man who meets every requirement on your list, but he eats pork, doesn’t mean you ditch him.  You just introduce the man to Turkey Bacon and go on about your day.
  2. Finding a man who isn’t college educated, but can hold a conversation and reads more books than you, doesn’t mean you get rid of him.  It means you try to motivate him to take some online classes and maybe he can introduce you to some authors other than Omar Tyree and Eric Jerome Dickey.
  3. Finding a man who makes you laugh, smile, and generally enjoy life, but he’s not Black, doesn’t mean you should let that go.  It means that maybe you need to open your mind and see where that path will take you.

There is a difference between CHANGING your expectations,

and LOWERING them.

Is This You?

2010 seems to be the “Year of Settling for What the Hell I Can Get.”  Every time I see someone who settled, it just grates my nerves.  WOMEN!!!!!! Stop taking what you can get, start demanding that these men step up and be MEN.  loneliness is a Bitch, but so is Self-Loathing.  If you choose a man because he took up space, that is all he will ever do.  Take up space.

Everybody needs love, but maybe they don’t need love from YOU.  Yes, he may be fine, but can he hold a job? Did he move in with you because he got evicted from his studio apartment? Does he have 5 kids, but doesn’t see any of them.  What is he bringing into the relationship? In the biblical sense, he is supposed to be the head of your household. Can he do that? Does he have the potential to do that? Is he motivated enough to do it?

As long as we put up with, Whatever We Can Get, we will continue to deal with, Ain’t Shit Dudes.  Because you put up with his bullshit, he makes the assumption that anyone will.  As previously stated, I am NOT that one.  I refuse to let you get away with anything, if I can’t do the same.  The relationship rules must apply on both sides.  Ladies, if we don’t start making men live up to the most #Basic of standards, there will be all types of shenanigans happening as we look the other way.

So yes, I have standards and goals and guidelines and deal breakers, but I also know . . .

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don’t catch it, (If you don’t catch it)
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,  (If you just let it)

As always, Questions/Comments/Concerns are welcome.  Thanks for reading Guys!