Tag Archive | Maxwell

Sometimes, Love Isn’t Enough . . .

I promised NOT to blog about this.  Clearly I lied.

Ever had someone tell you they loved you? Ever had that same person say, they can’t picture their life without you in it? Ever had that same person lay with you on a couch for hours, crying about the pain that was their childhood? Ever have that person tell you they can’t/won’t be with you?

Clearly, Sometimes, Love Isn’t Enough . . .

I just got kicked in my chest, by the one person I was willing to sacrifice my personal space for.  I invited him into my home, my space, every aspect of me, and he was uncomfortable. 4 hour phone conversations, all day text messaging, and everything else . . . he couldn’t get comfortable.

Instead of being deep, I’m Just going to let the music do the talking . . .

Becuz this is how he feels . . .

And that’s how I felt when he told me he was leaving . . . 

And THIS is how I feel right now . . . . 

Part II…….

I’m so mad at myself for loving you. For making u matter when YOU said you didn’t think you should matter to anyone. All I wanted to do was love you. Just to love you, and to be there for you. Who walks away from love? Who turns their back on love?

What kind of person are you that you can so easily walk away from everyone you come into contact with. Was everything a lie? Did I once again fall for the emotions behind the words that were whispered in the safey of being 4+ states away? Is it easier for you to live that lie, than to just admit that you can’t see yourself with me.

Everything inside me, the lost girl that I used to be wants to find the flaw in MY actions and make this my fault. To tell myself that I did something to make you treat me like the emotional who’re you made me out to be. But I can’t find it. I can’t find the reason, the event, the episode that led to this. For once, I’m not blaming myself for your issues.

But at the end of the day, I still come home to this empty ass house. And I hate it. I hate that you turned my HOME into such an unhappy place for me. And that I let you do it.

I’m so fucking angry/sad/mad/hurt right now. The fact that you won’t even answer my questions. That you went out of your way, to run away.  That you severed all ties . . . . Emotional . . . Physical . . . Communicable . . . .

Do you sleep at night? Was it not even an issue for you, to know that you broke my heart.  How could you just look me in my face, and lie.  Say that everything was going to be the same. I just don’t even know what to be mad about anymore. . . .

 

Dear Black People, Love Jones is a Stupid F*cking Movie . . .

Yes, I singled the Black People out in this one. I know that there are other races that watch Loves Jones. I totally know that, however, in certain circles of African American People (ages 25 – 35) this movie is the mecca of all things Black Love. When this movie came out {1997}, I was 15. My mother wouldn’t let me see it because it was rated R. Based on everything my friends said, I was quite upset that I wasn’t able to finally understand what Love really was.

Junior year of College, I finally saw Love Jones. I Didn’t Get It. I watched the whole movie, and I didn’t get it. I was waiting for the moment that made things new again, and created this “Epiphany of Epic Proportions.” Imagine my surprise, when I discovered that it was really just a movie about people that went to a poetry club? I will admit, the chemistry between Nina {Nia Long} and Darius {Sexy Fine Ass Larenz Tate} was exceptional. I will go even further and say, the verbal interplay was decent. But this movie should, in NO WAY, be a guide on how to find love.

I now present to you, The Top 5 Reasons

Love Jones is a STUPID F*CKING MOVIE!

Reason Number 5: He Stalked Her

He asked for her number twice, she said no. He got her number off a check that she wrote and went to her house. REALLY?!?!? What Black Woman do you know is going to let a perfect stranger in her HOUSE after he stalked her?? Like, I know he’s fine and everything, but really. The beginning of this whole relationship is fraudulent. She just opens the door, calls him out for 15 seconds, then lets him in the house? If this was a booty call, then it would make total sense. But it wasn’t. She don’t know him, and he was at her house. I call Bullshit!

Reason Number 4: She Smashed the Homies!

In what black circle of friends {non-greek} do you know a girl who can be in a serious relationship with one member of the group, break up with that person, then hump on another member of that group? He made this heaux Cheese Omelettes, and she slept with his boy, and no one thought to call her out, but HIM?!?

Lisa Nicole: “You just sorta slipped and fell on his dick?”
then, this heaux says, ” It was like his Dick just . . . talked to me,”
LN: “What it Say?”

She was foul as hell for that, yes I’m Judging. And please, what BLACK dude actually owns a hearse that doesn’t own a funeral home? Us Nigra’s don’t like Haints, and he gone drive around inviting them to come kick it?

Reason Number 3: Nina’s Poem was Whack

It is the color of light, the shape of sound. High in the evergreens, it lies suspended in hills, a blue line in a red sky. I am looking at a sound. I am hearing the brightness of high bluffs and almond trees, I am tasting the wilderness of lakes rivers and streams caught in an angle in song. I’m remembering the water the glows in the dawn, the motion tumbled in earth, life hidden in mounds. I am dancing a bright beam of light. I am remembering… love . . .

Seriously……. Love is a Tree, an evergreen tree? What Negro Child grew up around evergreen trees? Bish, you lived in New York. If you had said “Love is the Snow that drifts from Upstate New York.” I might have believed you. But lakes rivers and streams?!?! I Don’t Believe You, You Need More People!

Reason Number 2: Why Couldn’t the Big Girl get some Attention?

Lisa Nicole Carson was the only believable character in this movie. She said what everyone else should have been thinking. She even tried to help Darius get to Nina before she left. As they started their relationship is a stalker type mode, that phone call was a perfect way to say it. Why did she have to be the lonely big girl friend who just offered support and funny one liners. {I could be biased on this one}

Reason Number 1: What the hell was Darius Talking about in his Poem?

Now, do they call you Daughter to the Spinning Pulsar… or maybe Queen of 10,000 moons? Sister to the Distant yet Rising Star? Is your name Yemaya? Oh, hell no. Its got to be Oshun.

The F*ck is this nigga talking about?!? You know you had to Google all of them names. This is why the Pegro’s love this movie, cuz you feel smart if you can relate. Yemaya is actually referring to a Goddess. In Yoruba she’s the Goddess of Pregnancy, in Umbanda she is the Queen of the Ocean, in Santeria she is the Mother of all living things. Do you know how long it took me to find that information? I lost 10 minutes of my LIFE figuring that out. I should NOT have to have an advanced degree in African-based Religions to watch a Mu’F*ckin’ Movie!
Ya’ll know you didn’t actually start paying attention until Darius started talking about the sex. Lets just discuss the most popular line of the poem.

And right now… I’m the blues in yourleft thigh… trying to become the funk in your right.

Ummmmmmm, seriously? He’s trying to be her Restless Leg Syndrome? The BLUES in my Left thigh? So my left thigh is sad? It’s not pleased with the choices I have made for it? And my Right thigh is in a Funk?? It’s pissed off because it doesn’t get what it wants? Why are you trying to mimic that? I just don’t understand?
*Note: I get the gist of the poem, I’m not retarded. But it’s JUST a fly poem. Not the end all, be all of Spoken Word . . .

Other things that bother me:

*Love is urgent like a Mu’fucka?
*Really, we just gone stand in the rain and talk, who DOES that?
*This n*gga ran to catch a train, and didn’t call her to say he did?
*You waited a whole year, and THAT was what you said about the Love you had for him?
*Why was Bill Bellemy even in the movie?
*The Chick with the Braids? Why was she the only person with common sense, and she was single?

The Moral of this blog: This Movie is just that . . . . A. Movie. The best thing about this movie, the Soundtrack. Now THAT is awesome. It takes you to a very calm and peaceful, grown up place. If you are trying to get your Grown and Sexy on, I highly recommend just popping that CD in, and gettin’ to work!

“Can I Play Something for you?”

You don’t have to agree with me, I already know I’m right. I won’t even judge you for your comment that is going to defend everything I just proved was f*cking stupid about this movie. Share this blog with friends, so they can yell at me too! But again, Love Jones is a Stupid F*cking Movie.

Words and Sounds of My Life: Vol. XI: After the Love Has Gone

Song Titles are Links to the MP3 (which you can actually listen to while you read)

After the Love has Gone [Earth Wind & Fire]

For awhile, To Love was all we could do
We were young and we knew,
and our eyes were alive.
Deep inside we knew our love was true . . .

Funny the things we hold on to, the relationships that mold you into the person you are.  The way that your attachment to another person begins to define how you see yourself.  When asked, Who Are You? . . . It made me ashamed to admit that, without incorporating Him in the picture, I didn’t know.

My confidence had become intertwined in our relationship.  In the knowledge, nay FAITH that, this one person in the world understood me.  That even if everyone else had turned their back on me and written me off , He, would be there.  He became my safety net, when things didn’t make sense, and I felt that I couldn’t find my way back to solid ground, He was always there to stabilize me.  My Knight in Shining Armor, My Best Friend, My Soulmate.

Somethin’ Happened along the way,
What used to be Happy is sad
Somethin’ happened along the way
and yesterday is all we had . . .

No Longer able to rest on the past, bringing it to the present . . .

Jill Scott – Whenever You’re Around

What happened to the wonderful thing that we had
It seems like you’re,  missing in action
And I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired

I don’t wanna lose this good {love}, But I ain’t scared
If I’m going to be the only one, participating in this

‘Cuz I’m Lonely, Whenever You’re Around . . .

The personification of every dream I had for myself for the past 10 years.  The things I never admitted to others, plus the things that You promised along the way.  Sitting around, feeling stupid for having put all this pressure on myself, and feeling less than every time a flaw was pointed out.  Being afraid to speak, for fear of anger or sarcastic put-downs. You aren’t the only one who did it, but it hurt so much more coming from you.

Still hadn’t recovered from the last person that I, admittedly, let tear me down, part by part. Confessing to the Loneliness that has plagued me since I made the move to AZ, and yet still hoping that one day, One Day, ONE DAY, you would remember that feeling. Remember what you SAID I was to You . . .

Pretty Wings – Maxwell

Oh, you played me dirty . . . . your game was so bad

You toyed with my affliction , Had to fill out my prescription

Found the remedy, I had to set you free.

Away from me  . . . . . . . . .
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me

Letting the wound heal, then going back to pick at the scab.  Trying to believe that only more of the injury would make it better.  While others drink and smoke and snort and shoot up, I, in my Infinite Intelligence,  Love You. Fully immersing myself in my personal drug of choice, until I have to quit Cold Turkey. Because it becomes too much, or not enough.  When the high that I am searching for no longer fills that space.  When that void becomes so cluttered by lies, half-truths, and other misunderstandings that I can’t control my reaction to it anymore.

ALWAYS giving up control, ALWAYS being there when You needed me, being angry when you wouldn’t do the same for me, yet not valuing MYSELF enough to know that I deserved more.  The Best Friend, the label I kept trying to give you when I could no longer use Love of My Life and still believe it.  Maybe that is why I couldn’t say Who I Am . . . because I was still waiting for a clear definition from You, that never came.

Purple Rain – Prince

I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It’s such a shame our friendship had to end.

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