Tag Archive | Misogyny

The Black Twitter Guide to Dating

In no way can I claim to be part of the #BlackTwitterElite. My blog is not quoted daily, nor do I have 1000+ followers.  No one buys my cookies online, and I haven’t discovered (then exploited) all the secrets Shea Butter holds.  But What I am, is an observer.  I follow the people to which the aforementioned criteria applies to.  In my observations, I have learned that I have been doing this dating thing all wrong.  I offer to you, The Black Twitter (Male) Guide to Dating.  Enjoy!

Rule #1: You Must Be Physically Perfect

NO EDGES, NO MAN!

This means you can never take a bad picture.  EVER. The only way you are considered an eligible prospect is physical perfection, or making a constant effort to get there. The good thing is, you don’t have to be NATURALLY perfect.  Cosmetic ‘restructuring’ is perfectly acceptable, as long as you don’t expect your man to pay for it.  Ass shots, fake boobs, spray tan, proper photo angles . . . all of these are fine, as long as no one is ever exposed to your flaws.

Where do You Fall?

Rule #1a: Long Hair, they really do care.  If it’s a weave – as long as it doesn’t come out during the two-hour quickies in the middle of the day – the Black Twitter Male has no issue with it.  HOWEVER, ‘Yo Edges Betta Be On POINT!’ Those edges must flourish.  If they don’t, you should have a plan of action in order to improve them.  But make sure you purchase your all-natural products from the right person/company/online store, because this faux-paux is grounds for a breakup and an immediate twitter slandering.

Rule #1b: If you choose to go natural, your hair texture must be between a 2B and a 3F.  Anything other than that is nappy, and that shit ain’t cute.  Cuz we all know, Natural ain’t for everybody.

Rule #2: All Girls must understand/like sports to be considered dating material.  

This means you will sit on the couch during the game (after you have made him the greatest sandwich to ever have been made) and watch the game with him.  Because if you won’t watch the game with him, there will always be another female who will.

Black Twitter Perfection

Rule #2a: You must understand enough about sports to never talk during a game, but not enough to argue a call/play.  No good woman is so into sports she disagrees with her man.  The minute you get the urge to argue a call, just go make a sandwich, or clean something.  It could save your relationship.

Rule 2b: You Must Like Football.  American Football, not Soccer.  This is not an option.

Rule 2c: Either you hate Lebron James, or you know all the stats that make him better than Jordan. This rule also applies to Kobe Bryant.  If your man is having an argument about the Greatness of Jordan/LeBron/Kobe, you should be able to back him up.  Your facts must be up to date, so study while you are making dinner.  This shows your level of dedication to your man.

Rule #3: Chivalry Exists, just not all the time.

. . . This.

It’s unfair to expect a man to have a clearly defined role in your relationship, so stop expecting it.  Yes, he is a MAN. But if he doesn’t want to be the provider, that is his choice.  If you fight him about it, it’s really you being difficult, not him being a bum.  Doesn’t he take out the trash? Doesn’t he always cut the grass three days after you ask? Doesn’t he always drive your car when you are going somewhere? Why are you asking so much of him? Do you want to be single?

Rule #3a: You are not allowed to have an opinion . . . ever. You minute you understand this, you will have a happy relationship.

She knows her place . . . do you?

Rule #3b: All women belong in the kitchen, or at work.  You must choose one or the other, you can’t to both.  The minute you find a man, you have to either become his property or his provider.  The 2013 man isn’t looking for a partner, he’s looking for a caregiver. If you can’t cook, then you better have a good ass job.  Cuz Real Men don’t cook, they only use the grill.  And they drink imported beer.  And who do you think it going to pay for that? Surely not him.  So you better be making at least $75,000 a year.  You can’t support two people on anything less.

Every Man on Black Twitter Looks Like This

Rule #4: Men will be men . . . deal with it.

If you question why he thinks it’s okay to flirt on social media, it’s because he’s a man.  He’s not fcuking her, they just play flirt.  Stop being so sensitive.  You are lucky to even have a man, if you think about it.  You, with your 4b textured hair, and your oddly off-kilter smile.  You are really pushing it by asking him to respect your relationship. Having expectations for your man is why you were single in the first place.

Rule #4a: The Modern Black Woman doesn’t expect the man to do anything but love her.  If you want to go on a $200 date (what you need to know it’s real) then you BEST pay for it yourself.  Or at least pay half.  And if you don’t pay for half of it, you should have a way to say thank you . . . Also, don’t ask for anything. BUT, you better let him know what you are NOT asking for.  Don’t just show up at the crib with your Hair Did, Nails Done, everything did.  You better tell him where you are going first!

. . . and that’s fine. You should be Light Skinned tho . . .

Rule #5: All single women are lonely bitter women . . . and also probably dark skinned.

Because Light Skinned women are perfect.  They fit all the requirements by just existing.  Its not the Black Twitter Male’s fault that you have 2 babies’ fathers.  He didn’t leave you alone and pregnant. He takes care of his 4 kids, $50 a month for each of them. And he sees them on the Holidays.  Why are you so angry? Is it helping, Bitter DarkSkinned Lonely Black Woman.  I doubt it.

Rule #5a: The best kind of woman is a Lady in the Streets, and a Freak in the bed.  And also a Freak on Twitter.  Also a Freak on Instagram.  Also, she is a Twitter Honey. (She’s allowed to have followers, but she can only follow you) And also, she can twerk to any song.  And also, she’s down for a threesome.  Or a foursome.  Also, she will send you nudes on every major life occasion, and then just because.  And, if you as a Black Twitter Male leaks those nudes, well it’s her fault for being a Hoe.

Rule #5b: The Black Twitter Male is looking for a submissive woman.  This means he is in charge all the time.  He sets all the rules that she is to live by, in their relationship.  He is also not bound by these rules, because he is a man. (See Rule #4) She must have read 50 Shades of Grey, and been able to relate to it.  Because all women really just want a man to be in charge, and the perfect woman wants to hand over control the minute she meets a man.

I share . . . because I Care.

Doesn’t all this information make you look at Dating in 2013 in a different light?!?!?!  You, like me, were probably trying to put your best foot forward, and not settle for anything less than perfect.  Now that you know the standards you should be living up to, I hope to see all of my friends wifed up by the end of 2013.  I’m looking for all kinds of wedding invites in 2014.

Thanks for Reading! Comments/Thoughts/Additional Rules Welcomed!

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I’m Mad as Hell . . . and I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore

I’m Mad my former best friend betrayed me.  I’m Mad that I cared too much about being the bigger person to tell her to go Fuck Herself.  I’m Mad I’m still hurt about her not caring I’m hurt. I’m Mad she didn’t care enough about a friendship we spent 10+ years building, and instead chose to compromise it with someone she had known for less than 6 months. I’m Mad that we had an amazing Idea for a book that would have made us so much money, and now it won’t be written because we don’t speak. 

I’m Mad as FUCK I fell in love with a man that wasn’t attracted to me.  I’m Mad I let him make me feel ugly, and unattractive.  I’m Mad I stopped looking at myself as a woman, and instead of as a thing that needed to be fixed.  I’m Mad I still won’t speak of the other fucked up things that went on in our relationship because I care about other people’s feelings.   I’m pissed the fear of rejection he, seemingly systematically, instilled in me follows me everywhere I go.  I’m Mad as FUCK I’m afraid to like someone.  Not because I don’t think I’m awesome, but because I don’t want to risk losing something great again.  I’m Mad he played me in public, with my family. . . 

Speaking of Family . . . I’m Mad my Biological Family is full of assholes.  I’m Mad my Brother is a bitch, and lets his Bitch wife run his life.  I’m Mad my brother would rather kiss my father’s ass than expect better for himself.  I’m Mad my niece would believe anything he would say about me.  I’m Mad I lived in Arizona and my support system was not related to me, with the exception of my Older Sister.  I’m Mad I will probably never speak to that side of my family again, because I don’t know how to speak to them without telling all of them to Go Fuck Themselves.

I’m Mad at my job, for exposing me to the most fucked up people I’ve ever met.  I’m Mad I’m so out of touch with that side of society, that I can’t help them the way I want to.  I’m Mad people don’t understand how prevalent Domestic Violence is. I’m Mad the women I am trying to help are their own worst enemy.  I’m Mad I’m struggling to see past a Survivor’s Mentality, and into the person they have the potential to be.  I’m Mad the same woman who says she cares about her child, smokes like a chimney.  I’m Mad there is an entire generation of children who are being raised with a role Model like Nicki Minaj.

I’m Mad Nicki Minaj is even an artist.  I’m Mad people call Eminem a Misogynist  but Nicki can’t refer to a female without using the words Bitch Hoe or Cunt.  I’m Mad the Feminist Movement has completely ignored Black Women and our struggle. I’m Mad I know what Rape Culture is. I’m Mad Rick Ross made a song about Date Rape, and no one is rioting and burning his music. I’m Mad I know what Misogyny is.  I’m Mad I Can’t be a Feminist, cuz I’m Black, Fat, and Educated.  

I’m Mad stress is making me gain weight.  I’m Mad the sun doesn’t fucking shine in Michigan like EVER.  I’m Mad I have no motivation to do anything anymore.  I miss Arizona, and the Tucson JCC Gym, and having a gym where I work.  I miss being happy driving and seeing the sun.  I’m Mad I don’t see mountains while I’m driving anymore.  I’m Mad I feel like I ran away from Arizona, because I just couldn’t take not being loved anymore. 

I’m Mad that I have so much anger inside of me all the time that all i want to do is punch someone.  Like literally punch a stranger in the face at all hours of the day.  I’m Mad this anger is causing me to lose friends, and push them away.  I’m Mad no one understands why I’m so angry, and I can’t vocalize it without feeling like I’m just complaining about petty shit.

I’m Mad people date/marry/stay with people they don’t want to be with.  I’m Mad I know more people who have cheated on their significant others than I do people who are faithful.  I’m Mad almost every male I know married the person they thought everyone accept, not the person that made them happy.  I’m Mad people stay in relationships for “Stability/Children/Family” but are willing to ruin someone else’s life to find their happiness.  

I’m Mad I spent years searching for the perfect man, then I found him.  I’m Mad I’m TERRIFIED of him.

I’m Mad I want to be happy, but don’t see it happening anytime in the near future.  I’m Mad I live with my mother.  I’m Mad I’m writing this blog, and hoping no one reads it because if they do, they are going to know I’m slowly losing my mind.  I’m Mad talking to people is frustrating for the first time in my life.  Because I always seem to be on the verge of tears if we discuss something of merit or value.  I’m Mad the only people who seem to understand my “Second-hand Trauma” have trauma of their own, so I don’t really want to burden them with mine. 

I’m just Mad.  I’m trying to move past it, and it’s not working.  So I thought I would write this, and maybe just saying it to strangers would help.