(This Blog’s Soundtrack is located below)
I remember this episode so clearly, and how it made me feel. I knew that feeling, begging some dude to pay attention to me. To be in public, what he said you were to him in private. To acknowledge my existence in some real way, instead of just via text or phone call or inside a hotel room. Meredith was basically saying . . . ‘I’M RIGHT HERE, THE FUCK????‘ It felt like every conversation I’ve ever had with men I was genuinely interested in.
Things have already started happening to me that are brand the fuck new. Random dudes asking for my number, people actually acknowledging my existence instead of ignoring me. It’s a heady experience, being seen for the 1st time in a long time. I’m still trying to rap my head around it, and how to properly react to it. Personal trainers at the gym commenting on my progress, people I haven’t seen in years hitting me up to hang out. Lil’ Ole’ Me.
I’ve started talking to people I’ve always wanted to talk to. Just shooting my shot all in folks DM’s. Racking up numbers and Peen Pics. Reopened my OKCupid account, and updated the pictures with my new slimmer face and body. Walking with the switch in my hips my brother told me NO ONE is ready for. Put out some feelers to some old Beauxs, and lined up my #Summer2018Heauxtation.
JUST as I was already feeling myself, enter the Man of 16 Y/O MJ’s DREAMS, LightBright.
I’m not bragging, I’m just setting a scene. All 16 year old MJ wanted was a light skinned boy to like her (This is a whole nother blog. Save your comments for that one.) I just wanted somebody cute to hold my hand in public, and make other people jealous. Yes I USED TO BE petty . . . SO.
Below is 16 Y/O MJ’s Boyfriend Wishlist:
- Taller than me
- Have Light eyes, and
- Have a cool car.
Don’t this negro fit all my shallow ass criteria to a got damn T. Where the hell did HE come from, and how long is he staying? Because YES PLEASE. For some reason, this fine ass man asked me for my number, then actually called!!!!!! HE SAW ME, and wants to keep doing it. What is my Detroit Life?!?!?
LightBright makes me feel a way when I see him. I giggle. Anyone who knows me, knows this makes no sense, because I don’t do that lame shit. Stupid girly shit … that ain’t me. But it is when LB is around. Just . . . hands in front of my face, stop looking at me type shit. I would be ashamed, but that shit is FUN.
Simultaneously, ENTER THAT nigga.
The great thing about THAT nigga, I can be myself. I don’t have to dumb shit down. I can be me, and 85% of the time, it’s just fine. 10% of the time, I’m in my feelings and/or horny so I say and feel dumb shit. That last 5% . . that’s when we are both too intoxicated to function and the entire conversation is just us laughing at each other.
WHY DON’T I DESERVE THIS?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!???
Why can’t I have this be my everyday?!?!?!
Why do I get to find these fucking people who make me want to spend every fucking second of my life with them? Then they are like . . . “I mean, U cool and whatever . . . but you ain’t good enough for me. Maybe some other nigga, just not me.
Some Facts that should be now stated:
- The most important thing I need to remind myself, is THAT nigga came out of nowhere. I didn’t expect him to be who he is. I didn’t expect him to be able to hold a fucking conversation. Let alone, turn me on, or know all my kink without me telling him. Shit like that . . . knowing my private shames without me telling you. I feel like there HAS TO BE a reason we connected.
- LB is younger than me. He’s not supposed to be anything other than what he is . . . I’m fine with that for right now.
- A bitch is . . maybe was . . . all up in her feelings for THAT nigga. I really can’t even be mad, because he told me what he was doing, did it, and then reminded me he did it. It’s my own damn fault for thinking I was different
- I like giving men power in most relationships, it’s prolly the submissive in me. Then I met THAT nigga. And he was like, “Thanx Simple Bitch, Imma use this to fuck you all the way up. You’re Welcome!”
Who did I call to cry about it???
#Him . . . the one THAT nigga was supposed to help me replace.
Because #Him is the Prototype, and has probably always been. I’d murder someone for #Him, like plead guilty and er’thing. Spend the rest of my life in jail, knowing that he is with his family and safe and happy. That’s the reason I know it might actually be some real shit. . .cuz I can MAYBE count 8 other people in my life I would do that for, and he’s attached to 4 of them.
Talking to #Him is like being held . . then choked while being dicked down . . . then held again.
Talking to LB is like being caressed . . . then dicked down . . . then caressed again.
Talking to THAT nigga is like being part of a whole . . . then ripped apart . . . then held . . . then choked within an inch of my life . . . then caressed . . . then dicked down. . . then patched back together with some of the pieces missing . . . then told its my fault for losing the pieces.
So the real question is . . . How long is it going to take me to get out of my feelings for THAT nigga. Because it’s not even worth being mad at him. Like not at ALL.
I feel unstable right now. Spotify isn’t helping me at ALL. They keep hipping me to all these emo ass rapper/singer groups and artists. Like the hell. Can I NOT be in my feelings for a day? Like is that a thing???