Tag Archive | Natural Hair

The Black Twitter Guide to Dating

In no way can I claim to be part of the #BlackTwitterElite. My blog is not quoted daily, nor do I have 1000+ followers.  No one buys my cookies online, and I haven’t discovered (then exploited) all the secrets Shea Butter holds.  But What I am, is an observer.  I follow the people to which the aforementioned criteria applies to.  In my observations, I have learned that I have been doing this dating thing all wrong.  I offer to you, The Black Twitter (Male) Guide to Dating.  Enjoy!

Rule #1: You Must Be Physically Perfect

NO EDGES, NO MAN!

This means you can never take a bad picture.  EVER. The only way you are considered an eligible prospect is physical perfection, or making a constant effort to get there. The good thing is, you don’t have to be NATURALLY perfect.  Cosmetic ‘restructuring’ is perfectly acceptable, as long as you don’t expect your man to pay for it.  Ass shots, fake boobs, spray tan, proper photo angles . . . all of these are fine, as long as no one is ever exposed to your flaws.

Where do You Fall?

Rule #1a: Long Hair, they really do care.  If it’s a weave – as long as it doesn’t come out during the two-hour quickies in the middle of the day – the Black Twitter Male has no issue with it.  HOWEVER, ‘Yo Edges Betta Be On POINT!’ Those edges must flourish.  If they don’t, you should have a plan of action in order to improve them.  But make sure you purchase your all-natural products from the right person/company/online store, because this faux-paux is grounds for a breakup and an immediate twitter slandering.

Rule #1b: If you choose to go natural, your hair texture must be between a 2B and a 3F.  Anything other than that is nappy, and that shit ain’t cute.  Cuz we all know, Natural ain’t for everybody.

Rule #2: All Girls must understand/like sports to be considered dating material.  

This means you will sit on the couch during the game (after you have made him the greatest sandwich to ever have been made) and watch the game with him.  Because if you won’t watch the game with him, there will always be another female who will.

Black Twitter Perfection

Rule #2a: You must understand enough about sports to never talk during a game, but not enough to argue a call/play.  No good woman is so into sports she disagrees with her man.  The minute you get the urge to argue a call, just go make a sandwich, or clean something.  It could save your relationship.

Rule 2b: You Must Like Football.  American Football, not Soccer.  This is not an option.

Rule 2c: Either you hate Lebron James, or you know all the stats that make him better than Jordan. This rule also applies to Kobe Bryant.  If your man is having an argument about the Greatness of Jordan/LeBron/Kobe, you should be able to back him up.  Your facts must be up to date, so study while you are making dinner.  This shows your level of dedication to your man.

Rule #3: Chivalry Exists, just not all the time.

. . . This.

It’s unfair to expect a man to have a clearly defined role in your relationship, so stop expecting it.  Yes, he is a MAN. But if he doesn’t want to be the provider, that is his choice.  If you fight him about it, it’s really you being difficult, not him being a bum.  Doesn’t he take out the trash? Doesn’t he always cut the grass three days after you ask? Doesn’t he always drive your car when you are going somewhere? Why are you asking so much of him? Do you want to be single?

Rule #3a: You are not allowed to have an opinion . . . ever. You minute you understand this, you will have a happy relationship.

She knows her place . . . do you?

Rule #3b: All women belong in the kitchen, or at work.  You must choose one or the other, you can’t to both.  The minute you find a man, you have to either become his property or his provider.  The 2013 man isn’t looking for a partner, he’s looking for a caregiver. If you can’t cook, then you better have a good ass job.  Cuz Real Men don’t cook, they only use the grill.  And they drink imported beer.  And who do you think it going to pay for that? Surely not him.  So you better be making at least $75,000 a year.  You can’t support two people on anything less.

Every Man on Black Twitter Looks Like This

Rule #4: Men will be men . . . deal with it.

If you question why he thinks it’s okay to flirt on social media, it’s because he’s a man.  He’s not fcuking her, they just play flirt.  Stop being so sensitive.  You are lucky to even have a man, if you think about it.  You, with your 4b textured hair, and your oddly off-kilter smile.  You are really pushing it by asking him to respect your relationship. Having expectations for your man is why you were single in the first place.

Rule #4a: The Modern Black Woman doesn’t expect the man to do anything but love her.  If you want to go on a $200 date (what you need to know it’s real) then you BEST pay for it yourself.  Or at least pay half.  And if you don’t pay for half of it, you should have a way to say thank you . . . Also, don’t ask for anything. BUT, you better let him know what you are NOT asking for.  Don’t just show up at the crib with your Hair Did, Nails Done, everything did.  You better tell him where you are going first!

. . . and that’s fine. You should be Light Skinned tho . . .

Rule #5: All single women are lonely bitter women . . . and also probably dark skinned.

Because Light Skinned women are perfect.  They fit all the requirements by just existing.  Its not the Black Twitter Male’s fault that you have 2 babies’ fathers.  He didn’t leave you alone and pregnant. He takes care of his 4 kids, $50 a month for each of them. And he sees them on the Holidays.  Why are you so angry? Is it helping, Bitter DarkSkinned Lonely Black Woman.  I doubt it.

Rule #5a: The best kind of woman is a Lady in the Streets, and a Freak in the bed.  And also a Freak on Twitter.  Also a Freak on Instagram.  Also, she is a Twitter Honey. (She’s allowed to have followers, but she can only follow you) And also, she can twerk to any song.  And also, she’s down for a threesome.  Or a foursome.  Also, she will send you nudes on every major life occasion, and then just because.  And, if you as a Black Twitter Male leaks those nudes, well it’s her fault for being a Hoe.

Rule #5b: The Black Twitter Male is looking for a submissive woman.  This means he is in charge all the time.  He sets all the rules that she is to live by, in their relationship.  He is also not bound by these rules, because he is a man. (See Rule #4) She must have read 50 Shades of Grey, and been able to relate to it.  Because all women really just want a man to be in charge, and the perfect woman wants to hand over control the minute she meets a man.

I share . . . because I Care.

Doesn’t all this information make you look at Dating in 2013 in a different light?!?!?!  You, like me, were probably trying to put your best foot forward, and not settle for anything less than perfect.  Now that you know the standards you should be living up to, I hope to see all of my friends wifed up by the end of 2013.  I’m looking for all kinds of wedding invites in 2014.

Thanks for Reading! Comments/Thoughts/Additional Rules Welcomed!

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I am SO My Hair: My Recent Hair Journey

Do you SEE how big My Glasses were?

Do you SEE how big My Glasses were?

As some of you know, I recently cut all my hair off. Because … for reasons, we will go into that later. Before we discuss my emotional attachment to my hair, I would like to talk about my Hair Past. I wore pig tails until 6th grade. Mind you, my hair was pretty much at my behind, but the pigtails + the Big Ass Coke Bottle Glasses weren’t really helping me in the “Oh, She looks cool,” department.  Because my mother wouldn’t let me wear my hair any other way.

Nerd Personified

Nerd Personified

Finally, I rebelled and demanded to wear my hair down.  I’m that girl who had a standing hair appointment on Saturdays. My life was scheduled around my trip to Mrs. Trent’s house. I was also the girl who had to wear rollers every night, because I wasn’t allowed to use heat on my hair until high school. Of course, that didn’t always work out very well on special occasions. 

Y'all Don't Judge Me . . . This was before Motions and Natural Hair

Y’all Don’t Judge Me . . . This was before Motions and Natural Hair

Yes, my life was hard. Can you imagine walking around looking like that for the first 17 years of your life?!?! Thank GAWD for college.  I was on my own, no more hair dresser and curling iron every morning.  I had to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my hair all on my own.  One day, I had to run out of the shower, cuz I was late for class, and I forgot to put my hair in a ponytail.  I had put the Paul Mitchell Foaming Pomade in, but for some reason forgot the ponytail.  People kept telling me, I like your hair like that.  I was like, ‘Wait, huh? I forgot my ponytail?!?!’ This is the day I found out my hair was naturally curly. This is also the day I “Went Natural’.

My Hair, the majority of my College Career

My Hair, the majority of my College Career

In March of 2005 or 2006, my Uncle passed away.  I couldn’t handle it.  I had to do something that made a statement about the loss I was feeling.  So I cut all my hair off for the first time.

Fried, Lyed, and Laid to the Side

Fried, Lyed, and Laid to the Side

Because of my awesomely tight curl pattern, I had to get a relaxer for the first time.  And I’m special, so I had to get one every time I went to get my hair done (by the youngest daughter of my original hair dresser). Which was once a week, because I never quite mastered sleeping on my hands so I don’t mess up my hair.  Eventually, getting my hair done once a week became too expensive, and I ‘Went Natural’ again.

My Fro was so effortlessly Amazing

My Fro was so effortlessly Amazing

The ‘Fro only worked when my hair was all the same length.  The lopsided fro got old quickly.  So back to curly I went. Sometimes, I would get braids, just to change my look.  My favorite hair is the ghetto ass Kalekalon (sp) 1b/33, then you boil it so you get wavy braids.  It’s sexy, don’t front.

*side note* This is also a visual reminder of how much weight I've actually lost

*side note* This is also a visual reminder of how much weight I’ve actually lost

Around August of 2010, I had another emotional breakdown of sorts.  Life in AZ wasn’t quite working out how I was expecting it to, and the former love of my life had turned into the world’s largest asshole.  I couldn’t cope . . . So the Hair had to Go. There are two things in life you have control over.  The two things people can give you advice on, but they can’t control.  Hair . . . and food.  Funny how I learned later that those are the two things I used to gain control of difficult situations. 

Just Shave it All Off

Just Shave it All Off

At the not so subtle suggestion of Lord Voldemort, I decided to grow my hair out.  At this point, it didn’t really matter to me what my hair looked like.  So sure, bangs sounded like a good idea.  Sure, I should totally leave my hair straight on a regular basis (0_o) But we don’t judge. 

There Goes My Baaaaaaaaaaangs Bish

There Goes My Baaaaaaaaaaangs Bish

The moment I moved back home, I planned on cutting my hair.  It was going to stop me from working out everyday if it was straight, and it’s just a pain in the ass to keep up.  I know all the products to use, have the greatest flat iron in the world (Solia for the WIN), but I’m lazy.  But my mom was just so excited that my hair was longer than it had been since high school.  So long it was.

My Teeth look white as all the hells . . .

My Teeth look white as all the hells . . .

But the stress of my current job had me feeling out of control.  You try dealing with other people’s trauma and drama for 9-10 hours a day, and accept that whatever you do won’t quite be enough.  I felt myself slipping.  I had to do something to get myself back on track. So I walked into the salon my home hair dresser worked in, and said, CUT IT ALL OFF.

I am NOT my Hair . . .

I am NOT my Hair . . .

He was PISSED.  He was like, “I like your hair long.  You look better with long hair.” But I manned up, and looked him in the eye.  “Cut it, or I’ll find someone else who will.” I took the entire weekend to be able to look in the mirror and know it was me, and not some weird other chick. But I Love It.  I’m embracing not hiding behind my hair, and forcing myself to see ME. The Scar on my forehead, the uneven skin-tone around my eyes, and the nose that always flairs when I try to take a Selfie.

Hair Did, Nails Done. Lip Gloss and Teeth Flossed. Cute!

Hair Did, Nails Done. Lip Gloss and Teeth Flossed. Cute!

So That’s my Story.  What’s yours?