Tag Archive | Past Relationships

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGEūüĎŹūüŹĺMEūüĎŹūüŹĺNOTūüĎŹūüŹĺ

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

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Adele…..you Wily Bitch.

I thought I’d escaped it. The rush of emo that comes from hearing a new song by Adele. I had done well all day. I listened to 21 and no tears came. I listened to 19…still nothing. So of course I felt safe.

It wasn’t my reaction to the song that caused the problems this time. It was someone ELSES reaction. It took them to a place and I got dragged along for the ride. Honestly, I was a willing participant. It was a conversation that needed to be had, and I got some confirmation I probably needed.

What I didn’t need was the by product of that confirmation. The self doubt. The what-ifs that sprang up.

What if I stop by and try to have a conversation with him?

What if we tried to be friends?

What if I hadn’t walked away?

I’ve been doing so good about MM. Exceptionally well actually.

Consider this: We live ten minutes away from each other, and I’ve only done a drive-by once. Ive only called once, and that was from my office phone, and I didn’t even leave a message.

I’ve left him alone, because My Pride is finally stronger than my need for closure.

I had a relationship, a good relationship whose end had nothing to do with MM, and everything to do with me deciding I needed and deserved more. I can honestly say, I didn’t hold my ex to any standards, that was probably the problem.

With TBTLNY, the same level of intimacy we had was something I thought I’d found with MM. TBTLNY was the Prototype. MM was the 1st Edition.

Adele almost had me driving to his house, or making a phone call to see if just maybe……

But I didn’t. I put my phone in Airplane Mode, took some Nyquil and took my melancholy ass to sleep.

Because no good will ever come of rejection for closures sake. No good EVER came from that. And I’m blessed to say, I value my sanity and myself more than I value his presence in my life.

I miss the FUCK out of MM. I still think about him on an almost regular basis. But I also smile now, and can face the world without fear, and can listen to music without crying. It’s a constant battle trying to figure out where my feelings are going to take me when I think about him. Adele didn’t help yesterday.

But just like the temperature in Arizona after the sun comes out, Still I Rise!

So as I sit in this spa chair, getting the best pedicure $25 can buy, I know I’ll be ok. I won’t call. I won’t drive by. I’ll continue to let it be my past. And that’s okay.

*Editor’s Note*

I called. Adele got me. And I’m woman enough to admit it.

Words and Sounds of My Life: Vol. XI: After the Love Has Gone

Song Titles are Links to the MP3 (which you can actually listen to while you read)

After the Love has Gone [Earth Wind & Fire]

For awhile, To Love was all we could do
We were young and we knew,
and our eyes were alive.
Deep inside we knew our love was true . . .

Funny the things we hold on to, the relationships that mold you into the person you are. ¬†The way that your attachment to another person begins to define how you see yourself. ¬†When asked, Who Are You? . . . It made me ashamed to admit that, without incorporating Him in the picture, I didn’t know.

My confidence had become intertwined in our relationship. ¬†In the knowledge, nay FAITH that, this one person in the world understood me. ¬†That even if everyone else had turned their back on me and written me off , He, would be there. ¬†He became my safety net, when things didn’t make sense, and I felt that I couldn’t find my way back to solid ground, He was always there to stabilize me. ¬†My Knight in Shining Armor, My Best Friend, My Soulmate.

Somethin’ Happened along the way,
What used to be Happy is sad
Somethin’ happened along the way
and yesterday is all we had . . .

No Longer able to rest on the past, bringing it to the present . . .

Jill Scott – Whenever You’re Around

What happened to the wonderful thing that we had
It seems like you’re, ¬†missing in action
And I’m tired, I’m tired,¬†I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired

I don’t wanna lose this good {love},¬†But I ain’t scared
If I’m going to be the only one, participating in this

‘Cuz I’m Lonely, Whenever You’re Around . . .

The personification of every dream I had for myself for the past 10 years. ¬†The things I never admitted to others, plus the things that You promised along the way. ¬†Sitting around, feeling stupid for having put all this pressure on myself, and feeling less than every time a flaw was pointed out. ¬†Being afraid to speak, for fear of anger or sarcastic put-downs. You aren’t the only one who did it, but it hurt so much more coming from you.

Still hadn’t recovered from the last person that I, admittedly, let tear me down, part by part. Confessing to the Loneliness that has plagued me since I made the move to AZ, and yet still hoping that one day, One Day, ONE DAY, you would remember that feeling. Remember what you SAID I was to You . . .

Pretty Wings – Maxwell

Oh, you played me dirty . . . . your game was so bad

You toyed with my affliction , Had to fill out my prescription

Found the remedy, I had to set you free.

Away from me  . . . . . . . . .
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me

Letting the wound heal, then going back to pick at the scab. ¬†Trying to believe that only more of the injury would make it better. ¬†While others drink and smoke and snort and shoot up, I, in my Infinite Intelligence, ¬†Love You. Fully immersing¬†myself in my personal drug of choice, until I have to quit Cold Turkey. Because it becomes too much, or not enough. ¬†When the high that I am searching for no longer fills that space. ¬†When that void becomes so cluttered by lies, half-truths, and other misunderstandings that I can’t control my reaction to it anymore.

ALWAYS giving up control, ALWAYS being there when You needed me, being angry when you wouldn’t do the same for me, yet not valuing MYSELF enough to know that I deserved more. ¬†The Best Friend, the label I kept trying to give you when I could no longer use Love of My Life and still believe it. ¬†Maybe that is why I couldn’t say Who I Am . . . because I was still waiting for a clear definition from You, that never came.

Purple Rain – Prince

I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It’s such a shame our friendship had to end.

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Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 12: You’re Just Runnin’ ‘Cross My Mind…

I can’t even try to count the number of men I have had a crush on in my life. ¬†Hell, freshman year of college was at least 12. ¬†Men are and always have been there, in the corner of my eye, on my mind in some way, shape, form, or fashion. ¬†I had my first boyfriend (Christopher Allen Greer) ¬†in PRE-SCHOOL!! He was in Kindergarten, and we got in trouble for kissing on the indoor monkey bars.

In the Story of my Life, there are only 3 men that made an impact to the point that I can STILL remember our first meeting, the first time we touched, and how I felt when they broke my heart. ¬†Because all of them did. ¬†Maybe they didn’t mean to, but they did. ¬†My recent trip home, while filled with laughter and merriment was also been filled with some soul-searching and letting things/people go. ¬†I had to see a few people, and realize that I had moved on, even though I didn’t know I had.

Angel of Mine

When I was 12, I fell in love with a Boy. He was no ordinary boy, he was almost a man. ¬†On the cusp of becoming a grown-up. ¬†He made me laugh, he talked to me when I talked to him, and we bounded over our mutual love of Bone Thugs in Harmony. (I remember while writing this, he is the Reason I liked them). He was the first man I ever found sexually attractive. The first time I saw him, I felt something in a place I didn’t know existed.

Watching him walk, all the pent-up anger/frustration making his muscle bunch and release whenever he made a move. If I had to compare his gait to any animal it would be a cougar. Halting and yet fluid. I did all kinds of things to get him to notice me, but he was 17. ¬†He couldn’t see me……….¬†But I still remember how I used to feel when he did pay attention to me. That rush of adrenaline, that hope that maybe this time is going to be the one that makes him stay and converse for hours like I want to. He was my 1st Crush and my first case of Puppy Love . . .

I Keep On Fallin’ . . . .

I met who I still consider to be my Soulmate when I was 18. The connection was instantaneous. There was no question about how we felt about each other. It was like we had spent our entire lives waiting for confirmation that someone else existed that understood us. From the food we liked to eat to the songs we sang in the shower we were completely in sync with each other. ¬†We plotted out our children’s names. Where we were going to live, the kind of jobs we would have. Our future was waiting for us to conquer it.

I loved him in a way I didn’t even think was possible. Crazy as this sounds, I loved him more than I loved myself. He knew it, so did I and we were just fine with that. ¬†The first time we broke up, I can remember screaming so loud that my next door neighbor knocked on the door to see if someone was attacking me. I took a shower for two hours. Sang the entire “One Wish” album by Deborah Cox three times. I slipped into what I later realized was clinical depression.

And yet, when he came back we started all over again. It was a crazy type of relationship. Emotionally draining and yet filling at the same time. Over time, our relationship turned into friendship. He’s still my soulmate, just changed the connotation of the word. He knows me better than I know myself. I look for pieces of him in almost man I pursue. But nothing will ever compare to that first connection……..

I Don’t Wanna Let You See . . . . .

The One that Got Away. The first time we met it was because I was yelling at him. He came into my world and tried to challenge everything that I had built and cultivated in a three-year period. Who would have the audacity, the unmitigated gall to step up and criticize me?!?!? I took his attack hella personal. But oh when I saw him, ¬†Good Lord! ¬†I forgot to be mad. He was the Epitome of Good Black Man. Smart, sexy, ambitious. He knew where he was going. It was up to you to either catch up or get left behind. I ran like a mu’fucka. I was NOT gonna be left behind.

In the back of my mind, I always thought we would end up together. Thinking about it now, I don’t think we ever discussed relationship type things. It was unspoken. Everyone in our immediate circle knew it. We knew it, at least I think we did. We just fit together. Physically and mentally, he aroused me and challenged me without being over bearing or blatant about it. I wanted to be there to see him succeed, to see him come into his own and be the Man I knew he would be.

If Only………..They say everything happens for a reason, but I often wonder where we would have ended up if I had been vocal about what I wanted instead of assuming he knew? What if he had come to visit for my birthday that year? ¬†I loved him, with a gentle kind of love that would have lasted 60+ years. I went a long time without seeing him. Partially because we don’t live near each other anymore, but more because I knew that I wasn’t ready to see him yet. My heart was still a little bruised and no one was to blame but me. . . . .

You’re Just Runnin’ ‘Cross My Mind . . . .

We all sometimes look back at our lives and think about what might have been. ¬†In the area of Love/Relationships I have often looked back to see the mistakes I’ve made, in order to not make the same mistakes again. ¬†Trying to navigate this new relationship, I can’t help but look back into the old ones. ¬†Fear of Failure at something that has become an important investment to me is compelling me to think about my past. ¬†Thankfully, I look back at these three men with smiles, not tears. ¬†They all taught me something about Life, Love, and Myself. ¬†So every time they ‘Cross My Mind I’m thankful they were in my life, and even more thankful that they still are.