Tag Archive | Prince

The Moment My Musical Childhood Died . . .

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Michael Jackson was the voice of my youth.  I distinctly remember how each of his songs made me feel the first time I heard them.  I remember going to see him in concert. { More on that experience in My MJ is Gone Blog} When he died . . . I was completely inconsolable for DAYS. Like, I sat on the couch, and just stared at the TV and the Computer screen.

Whitney Houston was the voice of my adolescence.   I sang The  Bodyguard in the car listening to my DiscMan.  The Preacher’s Wife Soundtrack is STILL my favorite Gospel Album. I stood outside my house, and cried while talking to my best friend.   When Whitney died, so did the last vestigaes of my childhood.

Prince was the Voice of my Womanhood.  When I was 23, I saw him in concert, when he did the Musicology Tour.  I remember being at awe of him, on stage, with just 4 guitars, a piano, and his amazing band.  I knew I was seeing a genius at work. 

The first time I heard Purple Rain as an adult, was the day my soulmate broke my heart.  The words struck me in a way they never had before.  I’d seen the movie all my life, loved it and the soundtrack.  But something about him singing about the failure of that relationship, when all he had was the best of intentions . . . It tore my soul. I curled up in a ball, in my walk-in closet of my first apartment in Tucson, and cried for HOURS. I listened to Purple Rain, the song, not the album, until my phone died . . . About 5 hours. 

Music has always defined how I felt about life.  It’s always been the background to major  life events and crisis’. April 21, 2016 . . . The day all my music was finally dead.  I feel like I’ve lost a part of me, that still hadn’t healed from losing MJ and Whitney. I might never be able to listen to Purple Rain again without crying . Just like I can’t listen to Man in the Mirror anymore, or The Greatest Love of All.

Today, when I’ve heard people talk or read about this loss, those three people are held in the same stature.  “This is worse than when MJ Died,” or “This is just like when I found out about Whitney.” Or “He’s the last on the list of my childhood musical heros.” I feel like we are a generation lost at this point. I was 2 years old when Purple Rain come out, yet its in my top Five movies that define the 80’s for me.

My musical heart is broken.  And there is nothing, and no one who can fix it. Ever.

Words and Sounds of My Life: Vol. XI: After the Love Has Gone

Song Titles are Links to the MP3 (which you can actually listen to while you read)

After the Love has Gone [Earth Wind & Fire]

For awhile, To Love was all we could do
We were young and we knew,
and our eyes were alive.
Deep inside we knew our love was true . . .

Funny the things we hold on to, the relationships that mold you into the person you are.  The way that your attachment to another person begins to define how you see yourself.  When asked, Who Are You? . . . It made me ashamed to admit that, without incorporating Him in the picture, I didn’t know.

My confidence had become intertwined in our relationship.  In the knowledge, nay FAITH that, this one person in the world understood me.  That even if everyone else had turned their back on me and written me off , He, would be there.  He became my safety net, when things didn’t make sense, and I felt that I couldn’t find my way back to solid ground, He was always there to stabilize me.  My Knight in Shining Armor, My Best Friend, My Soulmate.

Somethin’ Happened along the way,
What used to be Happy is sad
Somethin’ happened along the way
and yesterday is all we had . . .

No Longer able to rest on the past, bringing it to the present . . .

Jill Scott – Whenever You’re Around

What happened to the wonderful thing that we had
It seems like you’re,  missing in action
And I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired

I don’t wanna lose this good {love}, But I ain’t scared
If I’m going to be the only one, participating in this

‘Cuz I’m Lonely, Whenever You’re Around . . .

The personification of every dream I had for myself for the past 10 years.  The things I never admitted to others, plus the things that You promised along the way.  Sitting around, feeling stupid for having put all this pressure on myself, and feeling less than every time a flaw was pointed out.  Being afraid to speak, for fear of anger or sarcastic put-downs. You aren’t the only one who did it, but it hurt so much more coming from you.

Still hadn’t recovered from the last person that I, admittedly, let tear me down, part by part. Confessing to the Loneliness that has plagued me since I made the move to AZ, and yet still hoping that one day, One Day, ONE DAY, you would remember that feeling. Remember what you SAID I was to You . . .

Pretty Wings – Maxwell

Oh, you played me dirty . . . . your game was so bad

You toyed with my affliction , Had to fill out my prescription

Found the remedy, I had to set you free.

Away from me  . . . . . . . . .
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me

Letting the wound heal, then going back to pick at the scab.  Trying to believe that only more of the injury would make it better.  While others drink and smoke and snort and shoot up, I, in my Infinite Intelligence,  Love You. Fully immersing myself in my personal drug of choice, until I have to quit Cold Turkey. Because it becomes too much, or not enough.  When the high that I am searching for no longer fills that space.  When that void becomes so cluttered by lies, half-truths, and other misunderstandings that I can’t control my reaction to it anymore.

ALWAYS giving up control, ALWAYS being there when You needed me, being angry when you wouldn’t do the same for me, yet not valuing MYSELF enough to know that I deserved more.  The Best Friend, the label I kept trying to give you when I could no longer use Love of My Life and still believe it.  Maybe that is why I couldn’t say Who I Am . . . because I was still waiting for a clear definition from You, that never came.

Purple Rain – Prince

I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It’s such a shame our friendship had to end.

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