Tag Archive | Regret

Late Nights & Early Mornings

So insomnia is a thing. I’ve been dealing with it for about 9 months now. But that not the purpose of this quick blog. I had a dream last night.

In this dream I was living in the house I grew up in, as an adult. I was on the phone with my best friend, listening to her troubles about her girlfriend. While talking to her, my other line rang. When I checked to see who it was, TFN popped up.

No one currently in my life has the initials TFN or the nickname TFN but I felt very strongly in this dream I had to pick up. I told my friend, sorry this is important and pick up my other line.

Turns out, it was MM. After a conversation about nothing, I said to him please let me come over so I can lay with you and solve my best friends problem. He said sure. At this point in the dream I rushed out of bed, threw on clothes and ran out the door, yelling at my mom where I was going.

I woke up smiling. Then I was sad. Then I was pissed. Cuz it wasn’t real. He and I still aren’t friends and never will be. I still dontnhave access to him. And what kind of person am I that I would still drop everything for him. 4 got damn years later. I felt so weak. I judged the shit out of myself. Because I’m really afraid that if that really happened, I’d do the same thing.

So yeah, that.

Adele…..you Wily Bitch.

I thought I’d escaped it. The rush of emo that comes from hearing a new song by Adele. I had done well all day. I listened to 21 and no tears came. I listened to 19…still nothing. So of course I felt safe.

It wasn’t my reaction to the song that caused the problems this time. It was someone ELSES reaction. It took them to a place and I got dragged along for the ride. Honestly, I was a willing participant. It was a conversation that needed to be had, and I got some confirmation I probably needed.

What I didn’t need was the by product of that confirmation. The self doubt. The what-ifs that sprang up.

What if I stop by and try to have a conversation with him?

What if we tried to be friends?

What if I hadn’t walked away?

I’ve been doing so good about MM. Exceptionally well actually.

Consider this: We live ten minutes away from each other, and I’ve only done a drive-by once. Ive only called once, and that was from my office phone, and I didn’t even leave a message.

I’ve left him alone, because My Pride is finally stronger than my need for closure.

I had a relationship, a good relationship whose end had nothing to do with MM, and everything to do with me deciding I needed and deserved more. I can honestly say, I didn’t hold my ex to any standards, that was probably the problem.

With TBTLNY, the same level of intimacy we had was something I thought I’d found with MM. TBTLNY was the Prototype. MM was the 1st Edition.

Adele almost had me driving to his house, or making a phone call to see if just maybe……

But I didn’t. I put my phone in Airplane Mode, took some Nyquil and took my melancholy ass to sleep.

Because no good will ever come of rejection for closures sake. No good EVER came from that. And I’m blessed to say, I value my sanity and myself more than I value his presence in my life.

I miss the FUCK out of MM. I still think about him on an almost regular basis. But I also smile now, and can face the world without fear, and can listen to music without crying. It’s a constant battle trying to figure out where my feelings are going to take me when I think about him. Adele didn’t help yesterday.

But just like the temperature in Arizona after the sun comes out, Still I Rise!

So as I sit in this spa chair, getting the best pedicure $25 can buy, I know I’ll be ok. I won’t call. I won’t drive by. I’ll continue to let it be my past. And that’s okay.

*Editor’s Note*

I called. Adele got me. And I’m woman enough to admit it.