Tag Archive | Relationship Expectations

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGEūüĎŹūüŹĺMEūüĎŹūüŹĺNOTūüĎŹūüŹĺ

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

Advertisements

…And I Still, Haven’t Found, What I’m Looking For…

I love that song. ¬†It’s something I play when I am going through a White Girl Angst type moment. ¬†The message is, I’m still searching. ¬†Even after everything I have been through, I’m still looking for that one thing to make every thing make sense. ¬†Today’s blog is inspired by a¬†late night convo with a frat brother of mine, and his requirements¬†for his next relationship. ¬†

The word he kept¬†repeating over and over was Friend. “I want someone who wants to be friends first, then we can move on to something else.” ¬†This¬†statement¬†prompted¬†several very probing questions on my end {Yes, I’m Nosy} and made me think about Relationship Expectations¬†from a Male Point of View.

I’ve already talked about Lowered Expectations vs. Having Standards¬†when it comes to women looking for their perfect mate. ¬†I hope by now, anyone reading my blog understands I don’t believe the perfect relationship exists. You can BUILD the perfect relationship for the TWO people involved, but you almost never just fall into something perfect for you. ¬†In accepting this, you are committing to work to create the Perfect Relationship for You. If that commitment isn’t honored the relationship usually falls apart.

Some of the reasons relationships fall apart over time are listed here, here, and here. {Please peruse at your leisure} However, ¬†those aren’t the only reasons some relationships don’t work out. ¬†It’s mainly lack of communication and/or¬†insecurities. ¬†This comes from both sides. ¬†Most times, women have a VERY specific and detailed idea of what they want in a significant other, & they aren’t afraid to tell anyone who will listen . . . except their partner. ¬†On the other hand, men have absolutely no idea what they want, until they have to sit down and figure it out.

I’ve found that most of my male friends aren’t vocal about what they want, what bothers them, what turns them on, their pet peeves . . . things that most women would benefit from knowing at the start of a relationship. ¬†Insecurities will cause people to be silent in their relationship because they don’t want to say the wrong thing, or ask for the wrong thing, or make it seem like they are complaining.

So it’s time to call out the men, who know what they want . .. but don’t tell us.

First Up: What Defines a Friend

According to Merriam-Websters Dictionary, a friend is:

friend

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)

How do you feel about that definition men? This could be the beginning of a good relationship. ¬†Someone supportive and you enjoy being with. ¬†Quite simple, but then you stick your¬†wiener¬†in¬†them, and everything’s different. ¬†That’s when the questions happen, at least on her part. Things come up in conversation like, ”¬†How far does this friendship go? or “Are we still friends if we’re sleeping with each other? or “Are we still just friends if I know your whole family?” or ” Are we still just friends if we indulge in PDA on a regular basis?”

Sex complicates things. ¬†It always has, it always will. ¬†If you are looking for a friend, why do you complain about being friend-zoned by a girl you like? ¬†Instead of taking it as a bad thing, why isn’t it looked at as a way to slow it down and take baby steps into something different? *At this point, it might be a good time to say this is a Blog for the Grown and Sexy. ¬†This isn’t being written for people 25 and younger. ¬†You still have some Heauxin’ to do. ¬†You go and get your Heaux on, and come back in a few years. ¬†This will all make sense to you then.*

Once you have established this friendship, and basked in it for some length of time that probably makes no sense to her, at what point does the friendship turn into a relationship? Women thrive on the definitive. ¬†We need to know when, what, who, where, and why. ¬†Being vague about the timeline is stressful for some of us. ¬†If it’s not defined, it doesn’t exist. ¬†

It’s not because we want to trap you into something. ¬†In most cases, it’s because we want to behave accordingly. ¬†This is where communication and/or¬†insecurity come into play. ¬†The woman who has to ask a man what they are, will forever question the solidity of her relationship. ¬†Doesn’t matter how much you try to reassure her, that first doubt will always there¬†underneath¬†her skin. ¬†

The Friendship ——–> Relationship Continuum

Introduction —->Basic Knowledge —-> Shared Interests —-> {Possible Group Outing} —-> Frequent Communication —-> Private Outing —-> Daily Communication —-> Dating —-> Declaration or Request of Monogamy —-> Declaration of Commitment —> Relationship.

If at any point during the completion of this continuum, you feel as though this person isn’t going to meet your needs, STOP TALKING TO THEM. It’s not fair to you or her to continue down this path, and one of you knows it’s not going to be forever. ¬†A large number of Bitter Women¬†are bitter because this happened to them. ¬†They started planning for forever, and you (the Man) had already decided this was just going to be for right now. . .without letting them know something wasn’t quite right. ¬†It’s just unfair guys, stop it.

Also, the current prevalence of Social Media brings even more questions a woman will have for you, on officially establishing/announcing your relationship to the world. These questions include (but are not limited to) “Are we still just friends if we post pictures of things that we have done together?” and “Are we still just friends if we subtweet each other every night?” and “Are we still friends if your friends have tagged me in pictures they took of us together?” Social Media is just like Sex, it complicates everything.¬†

So What Are You Looking For?

Let’s look at the TYPES of women, ¬†men seem to be looking for {in my experience}. ¬†I ¬†created a very¬†satirical¬†version of this,¬†but some of it was based in truth. ¬†From what I have observed, there are 4 types of women that men seem to be looking for these days.

1) Professional/Educated Woman

Pros: This is the kind of woman who has a Career, not a job. ¬†It doesn’t really matter who she works for, it’s more the fact that she works. ¬†She isn’t depending on anyone to support her and/or her children. This woman usually has a higher education, and maybe even an advanced degree. She is book smart and able to hold a conversation with a group of mixed background without a struggle.

Cons: She is career-oriented.  She has a goal, and has already created her plan in which to acheive it.  Your entrance in her life is a surprise, and not something she was looking for.  This could mean your relationship is more than likely to come second.  Also, if she does have children, then your relationship is going to come in 3rd Place.

There are many men who can’t handle being in 3rd Place. ¬†And if that’s a problem for them, they should vocalize it. ¬†Not liking your standing in a woman’s life breeds resentment and bitterness. ¬†This could lead to cheating in some shape or form.

2) Classy/Twitter/Instagram Heaux

Pros: She is gorgeous. She fits all the Black Twitter Criteria for #WouldYouPullOutOrNah. The proportions are exact, and her hair is always done. ¬†She is the epitome of FAHN. ¬†She has all the right outfits, and knows all the right people. ¬†She has 3,000 plus followers who validate her beauty everyday. ¬†Every person you know wants her, and those who don’t want her are just jealous. ¬†Plus, she will make beautiful babies for you one day.

Cons: She has never had to work hard a day in her life. ¬†She is used to being catered to. ¬†She gets off on attention. ¬†Usually, she is bringing nothing to the table that will enhance the relationship. ¬†In fact, it’s probably not a relationship. ¬†It’s more of a dalliance into her world, and have to be okay with that.

At some point, you won’t be able to provide the level of attention she needs (in any way/shape/form), and the interaction will fade.

3) Mother Material

Pros: She is quite sensible. ¬†She was raised the right way. ¬†She wants to bring forth life on this earth, and nurture the next generation of children who will change the world. ¬†She is soft in nature, and makes choices that show you she is looking into the future. ¬†She understands what’s important in life, and wants to impart that ¬†wisdom to her seed.

Cons: Sexually, she might become conservative. ¬†Once she has a child, she might look at herself as someone’s ¬†mother, not your lover. ¬†She might become more old-fashioned¬†in her views. ¬†Her main focus will be the children, and their activities/well-being. Her concerns are now fitting into a specific peer group, and the latest PTA Potluck. ¬†The sexual side of her may diminish over time.

A lot of this depends on what HER definition of what a mother is, and should look like.  These potential issues could all be avoided through communication.  Before you impregnate her, make sure she is the kind of mother you want for your child. Ask questions, until you get the answers you are looking for.

4) Homie/Lover/Friend

A Homie-lover-friend, is what I’m looking for
She can relate to my sex drive,
Cuffing her booty while we dance, and she don’t mind.

She’s got everything, that a man could ever want and more,
And her sexy gangsta way, she’s got me all up in a day
Homie-Lover-Friend is what I need for always.

Pros: She’s down to earth. ¬†You can talk about anything without feeling awkward. ¬†She understands what you need/want/desire almost before you know you need it. ¬†She’s probably freakier than you, and isn’t afraid to share that side of herself with you, when the time is right. ¬†She knows exactly what needs to happen to make the relationship work. ¬†She’s an ‘Around The Way Girl,’ the Girl Next Door, your Play-Cousin from up the street.

Cons: Because she is so down to earth, you have never really looked at her THAT way. ¬†You fell like you know way too much about her, and the choices she’s made in her life. ¬†IT would kind of be like dating your sister.

It’s my opinion that underneath every relationship that has weathered various storms, the friendship has been a lasting one. ¬†When you’re mad about the toilet seat being left up, or they ate the last piece of bacon, you don’t stay mad for long. This is also the person who see’s a pineapple and laughs because it’s just a weird ass fruit. This is the person who knows all your secrets, and can still look you in the eye at the end of the day.

Which One do You Want? Better yet, which one do you need? Or even, Which one do you have in your life right now? If you can’t be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for, how can she trust you when you say you are ready for a relationship? Are you even ready for a lasting friendship?

I Just Ask the Questions . . . it’s up to you to know the answers. As Always, Thanks for Reading! Comments/Thoughts/Answers Welcomed.