Tag Archive | Relationship

CSBF Vol 18: I am a Submissive Woman…. Judge If You Must {Part 1}

*Let me just say, these are MY thoughts, and opinions. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you already know how messed up I am as a person. So you should be fine with what I say next. Those of you who have never been here, continue reading at your own risk*

In a recent CSBF I spoke about being tired of playing the role of a Strong, Black, Independent Woman. This was really a prequel to the admission I am in fact, submissive by nature. It wasn’t until I wrote that blog, then had a conversation with MM, that I finally said out loud what I had been afraid to say for years; having the upper hand in a relationship doesn’t appeal to me.  There have been so many men that would have let me have my way, and do whatever I wanted, and they just didn’t appeal to me.

Clearly, this goes against most things I have said in this blog almost from the beginning. But as I have gotten older & dealt with various kinds of men, I noticed a pattern.  They were all very dominant men. They had take charge personalities, and were constantly frustrated when I tried to tell them what to do.  Be it how to program their phone, or which way to take to our destination, they would just be angry.  My compulsion to explain to them how I would handle various scenarios, and my want to make sure they understood MY point of view, was a persistent source of contention.

A part of me, blames my willingness to submit on my daddy issues. I’m almost 30 years old, and I am still looking for someone to tell me what to do. I have no scientific proof, or psychological evidence to support this theory of mine, but it makes sense to me.

submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Now, my definition of submission (in terms of a relationship) might be different from yours, so let me try to explain it.  To me, being submissive in a relationship is not about being the lesser of the two.  But instead, humbling yourself enough to allow another person to take charge.  This means, that in a stable/healthy relationship, the submissive person is able to voice their opinion, share their thoughts, and even disagree with their significant other.

Submissiveness creates a partnership, or an understanding between the two people in the relationship.  Roles and responsibilities are discussed and presented, and those roles are adhered to until such time as more discussion is needed.  Being a submissive person isn’t about giving away all of your control, it’s about using your power in the correct way. In other words,  the willingness to submit is not actually giving up authority, but understanding the benefits of properly using your clout in the relationship.

Today, I sat in church for the first time in more than a year, and my Pastor was speaking on this subject.  Everything he said, I had just recently discovered within myself, so it was like the entire sermon was confirmation just for me.  During the sermon, several points were made that really made me see some of the relationships I have had in the past in a completely different way.

  • Woman was designed to fulfill a need inside of Adam (Man) – Genesis 2:18
  • Woman was designed to bring out the Man in Adam – Genesis 2:21

Submissive {from the Hebrew Definition}

To Line up under, for your protection.

What this said to me, is most women who have such an issue with being submissive in their relationship might not have the right man for them.  Every man has an innate need to prove their manliness.  Usually he does this by being a provider/protector.  In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to do/be this.  “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.  If you are with a man who feels no need to protect/provide for you, he’s probably not the right man for you.

You should also remember – according to Biblical Theory – Man and Woman were created as equals.  It was only after Eve tempted Adam God said, as a PUNISHMENT, Adam would rule over Eve. If you – like me – don’t spend every day looking at the Bible . . . you can just look at Biology.  There are very few things that a Man can do, that a Woman can’t.

It takes a certain KIND of woman to bring out the protector/provider in your man.  The Club Heauxs, and Facebook Models will give a man everything he wants.  But very few women cause a man to look for what he needs.  So if you have found such a man, why must you constantly explain to him that YOU don’t need him? He could have chosen, pursued, went after anyone, and yet he has chosen to be with you.  He wants to make your life easier.  He wants to ease your fears, and keep you safe.

As a woman, you should understand the rarity of this selection as it were, and hold on to it.  Too many times, we nag and nag and nag a man into being something he doesn’t want to be.  In a stable/healthy relationship the Man already knows who and what he is. The purpose of a relationship is not to meet someone and change them, but instead to be together, sharing like interests.  Relationships are for building character in both people, not breaking each other down.

I recently met someone who made me want to become this woman.  Meeting him also made me realize I am nowhere near ready to do this.  Being submissive means sacrificing the woman’s inherent need to nurture her mate.  To mother him, and take care of him, instead of letting it be the other way around.  If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.  The more I think about admitting that I am submissive by nature, the more I realize that I have also become closer to God in the last few months. I think there is a direct correlation between those two things, and My Awesome Pastor confirmed this for me today.

This isn’t an “Only Smart Women Submit” type of Blog.  It’s really me trying to figure this whole thing out for myself.  Submission isn’t just a biblical thing, or a relationship thing {Part 2}, or a sexual thing {Part 3}, it’s an overall decision you make for yourself.  Honestly, I’ll be 30 years old in 6 days, and I JUST figured this out.  But this revelation really has changed my outlook on future relationships.

I want to be in a relationship, not because I like hugs, but because I am quite weary of not being able to share my life experiences with someone.  It’s amazing the things you are able to admit to yourself, when life makes you sit your black arse down and evaluate who you really are.  In my journey to become a person that I like again, the path is not what I was expecting.  18 months ago, I would have lambasted a blog like this with snide comments and judgments.  Instead, I sit here writing it, not ashamed and actually hoping it sparks conversation among my friends.

As always, your thoughts are welcomed! Let me know what you think!

Sometimes, Love Isn’t Enough . . .

I promised NOT to blog about this.  Clearly I lied.

Ever had someone tell you they loved you? Ever had that same person say, they can’t picture their life without you in it? Ever had that same person lay with you on a couch for hours, crying about the pain that was their childhood? Ever have that person tell you they can’t/won’t be with you?

Clearly, Sometimes, Love Isn’t Enough . . .

I just got kicked in my chest, by the one person I was willing to sacrifice my personal space for.  I invited him into my home, my space, every aspect of me, and he was uncomfortable. 4 hour phone conversations, all day text messaging, and everything else . . . he couldn’t get comfortable.

Instead of being deep, I’m Just going to let the music do the talking . . .

Becuz this is how he feels . . .

And that’s how I felt when he told me he was leaving . . . 

And THIS is how I feel right now . . . . 

Part II…….

I’m so mad at myself for loving you. For making u matter when YOU said you didn’t think you should matter to anyone. All I wanted to do was love you. Just to love you, and to be there for you. Who walks away from love? Who turns their back on love?

What kind of person are you that you can so easily walk away from everyone you come into contact with. Was everything a lie? Did I once again fall for the emotions behind the words that were whispered in the safey of being 4+ states away? Is it easier for you to live that lie, than to just admit that you can’t see yourself with me.

Everything inside me, the lost girl that I used to be wants to find the flaw in MY actions and make this my fault. To tell myself that I did something to make you treat me like the emotional who’re you made me out to be. But I can’t find it. I can’t find the reason, the event, the episode that led to this. For once, I’m not blaming myself for your issues.

But at the end of the day, I still come home to this empty ass house. And I hate it. I hate that you turned my HOME into such an unhappy place for me. And that I let you do it.

I’m so fucking angry/sad/mad/hurt right now. The fact that you won’t even answer my questions. That you went out of your way, to run away.  That you severed all ties . . . . Emotional . . . Physical . . . Communicable . . . .

Do you sleep at night? Was it not even an issue for you, to know that you broke my heart.  How could you just look me in my face, and lie.  Say that everything was going to be the same. I just don’t even know what to be mad about anymore. . . .


Words and Sounds of My Life – Vol V: Edge of Desire

This song, and these thoughts have been on my mind since I first heard this album.  John Mayer is my fictional White BoyFriend, and I’m okay with that.  I know I have talked about this song to some one my friends, but I feel the need to share exactly the emotions that come from listen to  Edge of Desire on Repeat for a day straight.

This song is the epitome of all things sexual, to me.  When I first heard this song, I was just amazed at the guitar in the background.  It seemed to slowly build up, taking me to a place I have never been able to reach in any of my physical encounters with someone of the opposite sex.  This song, the melody, the instrumentation is to me, the oral representation of making love.

“Young, and full of running, Tell me where is that taking me

Just a great, figure eight, a tiny Infinity.

Love Is, Really Nothing, But  Dream that keeps waking me . . .

For all of my trying, I still end up dying, how can this be?

The French call an Orgasm, “Le Petit Morte.” Or the Tiny Death . . .

This song is what you wanted your first time to feel like – a slow build up to perfection.  It includes being open about exactly what you feel, trying to figure out how to tell this person,  exactly what they DO to you. It’s almost impossible to put into words how it feels to COMPLETELY Open yourself up to another person, to give them control of everything you hold so closely to yourself.

There are so many songs on my “He Can Get The Business,” Playlist. . . .

This will be on the He Is My Business Playlist.

“Don’t say a Word just come over, and Lie Here With Me.

‘Cuz I’m Just about to set fire, to everything I see.

I want you so bad, I’d go back on the things I believe,

There I just said It, I’m scared you’ll forget about me . . . “

Have you ever just wanted someone so bad, even though it’s completely irrational.  It’s makes no sense to you, or even to them.  And you are almost willing to lose yourself IN them, because of how you feel about that person.  I WANT that kind of desire for whoever I end up with.  To want them so much, that I can’t even FATHOM looking for another person.   And I want them to feel that way about me as well.

“So young, full of running,   all the way to the Edge of Desire . . .

Steady not Breathing, Silently Screaming, I HAVE TO HAVE NOW!

Wired, and I’m Tired, Think I’ll sleep in my clothes on the floor,

Maybe this mattress, Will spin off it’s Axis, and find me on Yours . . . “

I have never really been into the theatrics of Love-Making, probably because I’ve never done it.  But this song right here . . . . WHOOOOOOO Chile’ . . . .

The instrumental break is that point right before the climax.  When all the work you have put into making this person happy comes to Fruition.  You are fighting each other, trying to make the other person lose all control Firat . . . and then it hits you both at the same time.


That is what Love Should Feel Like!

The moment when he comes back in, and he has to scream how he feels about this woman, who leaves him feeling so lost and vulnerable that he can’t take it anymore.  You love this person so much you would do anything to make them stay.  You would forget about your rules and your boundaries, just to have them stay with you, and hold you, and love you for that time you have together.

“. . . there I just said it, I’m Scared You’ll Forget About Me. . . “

I am waiting, patienltly, for the man that leaves me on the Edge of Desire.  That can take me there just by talking to me.  When the conversation about NOTHING, leads to us falling into bed together, to just physically express all the emotions we feel for each other.

When the words are no longer enough, and you can’t find the right gesture, or a card or an object that lets that person know they put you on the edge, I recommend you play them this song.

Maybe it’s just me . . . . Maybe it’s the 13 months of Purity . . . .Maybe I just like Electric Guitars . . . .

But This Song . . . . It Takes Me There . . . .

Thanx For Reading