Tag Archive | Relationships

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGEūüĎŹūüŹĺMEūüĎŹūüŹĺNOTūüĎŹūüŹĺ

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

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2 Day Free Write: I miss the Old Kanye

After I cried for an hour at work, I started making a plan. . . .

This is a Free Write, I’m just jotting down thoughts, because the Woman I realized is my mentor, told me to.¬† And sometimes I obey commands . . . but only sometimes.

  1. My best friend lost her mom at the end of last year.¬† She had to see her mother become this thing she wasn’t ready for.¬† She had to see her mother in pain and hurting, because cancer was ravaging her body.¬† At about the same time, my mother was going through Chemo for Cancer.¬† And I was in Arizona.¬† 2096 miles away from her.¬† I have the greatest Best Friends, and my OTHER Best Friend stepped up and kept my mom together.¬† She drove her to appointments, helped run errands, basically everything.¬† I don’t know what I would be, without her.¬† I’m so grateful for what she’s done for my mother.¬† But it’s getting to me today.¬† Being away from her, is getting to me.¬† I’ve been in Arizona for 9 years, and this is the 2nd time I’m seriously considering leaving.¬† Because THAT’S MY MOTHER. And when I was sick, she dropped everything and came here for me.¬† I should have done the same for her.¬† I know all the practical reasons why I didn’t, but I should have.¬† I think, I feel guilty that I didn’t come home.¬† I know most of my family judges me because of it.¬† I had already assumed it, but it was confirmed over the holidays.¬† I just . . . hate having to acknowledge that my mother is going to die.¬† I can’t even IMAGINE my life without her in it.¬† I’ve been her life, since I was born.¬† I have so many hopes and dreams for my mother.¬† I want her to live a carefree life, at least 5 years.¬† So i can see my mother without the struggle.¬† Cuz it’s been a struggle much more often than it’s not.¬† My mother DESERVES better life.¬† I want to give that to her.¬† Because i couldn’t thank her enough for everything she’s done for me.¬† IF i wrote it a million times a day, it wouldn’t be enough. I’m almost at the point where I want to beg God, Please Please Please let me have this option.¬† And that’s selfish.¬† I understand that.¬† Everything has a reason, everything happens for a reason.¬† But Please Please Please God, help me help my mom to live her best life.¬† Please.
  2. I think I’ve met the person who is going to be my male companion for the rest of my life. Or rather, one of them.¬† That’s weird.¬† But he’s . . . . stable. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.¬† Because . . . . NO.
  3. Drugs are amazing.¬† LEGAL Drugs are amazing.¬† They make life easier to handle.¬† Everything in moderation tho.¬† I’m low-key worried about my . . . dependence on sleep helpers.¬† Like, am I going to live the rest of my life unable to sleep without some type of medicinal help?
  4. BIG K.R.I.T. is Life.¬† If you don’t know . . . now you do.
  5. Have this innate fear of talking about my personal life on this blog and/or social media now.¬† I feel like there were, in the past, people I thought were friends who saw me happy and wished unhappiness on me.¬† I know this may slightly appear to be irrational, but it is what the FUCK it is.¬† I’ve felt like there was someone in my life, who pretended to be my friend, but hated me.¬† I think they had access to my personal life, and details about it, then very specifically plotted against me.¬† And because I was just walking around clueless, I didn’t protect myself like I should have.¬† I didn’t know I needed to pray about people trying to cause me harm.
  6. I miss #TheHim. I miss how he felt, and smelled, and looked at me.¬† I know I shouldn’t, and my pride won’t let me contact him.¬† But I miss him sofa king much lately.
  7. I’ve self diagnosed myself as being Bi-Polar with symptoms of Hypomania. This is because of an article I read on Facebook. I’m probably right about this.¬† Google it, and see if it doesn’t describe me almost perfectly.
  8. I just saw the FINEST black man at the Club House Gym.¬† Guess who’s going to start working out here. New stalkee’s always bring me joy.
  9. I’m not a stalker . . . . anymore.¬† I miss that side of me.
  10. IRRRRRRRRRRRNADIMM. INAOTNE. IAEAVFT, ATHTTAFMBASPHHEAUX . . . . I’ll never forgive that bitch.
  11. I miss college, or rather the music of college.  If I had known that I would regret not making up diss trolls to every song that plays these days, I would have probably been in better shape back then.
  12. People keep calling me skinny.¬† It’s annoying. (This is in response to my recent weight loss.¬† I’m smaller, but I ain’t nowhere NEAR skinny and never will be.)
  13. This took me 2 days to write, cuz I got distracted by a guy at Starbucks.  I mean, he was there to see me . . . so there is that.
  14. Edibles are AMAZING.  Anyone who tells you different is a Lying Ass Liar.
  15. Thanx for reading!

 

Pigment . . . or Nigga What?!?!

To whom it may concern:

You broke my heart.  Not on some “We in love” type shit, I wasn’t dreaming about forever. But we had SUCH a good thing going.  And yet . . . at the end of the day, it wasn’t what I thought.  My brothers tried to tell me, but like a dummy I didn’t listen.  Because I knew better . . . I was doing this the right way, and my feelings weren’t involved. Or so I thought . . . because after all this time, I’m still hurt.

Maybe I’m the one to blame
That’s just how the game goes
Just want someone to hold
Everybody needs somebody to be there when they’re alone
I just want you to save me (yea)
Just want you to save me . . .

I’d made my mind up, we were going to make this whole thing work for years. Maybe I got arrogant, I thought we were on the same level. Underneath it all, I thought we respected each other enough to be honest, at all time.  I never lied to you. Not once, I was always upfront.  When I was wrong, I told you. When you were wrong, I checked you. I thought that made us friends.

I’ve known most of my life that I’m a loyal person.  If I consider you a friend, then that’s just it.  We are Ride or Die.  I have your back, and you have mine. I would never do something to harm you, and I thought it was vice versa. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt. Because you accused me to something I would NEVER have done.

He said you’re my everything
I love you through everything, I done did everything to him
He forgave me for everything, this a forever thing
Hate that I treat it like it’s a whatever thing
Trust me, boy, this shit is everything to me

Okay, so maybe I lied once.  I told you it was just . . . fun.  It meant something. On multiple levels.  The right people knew what it meant, except you.  Either way, you mattered . . . and always have.  You know THAT, I Know you know that. But at the end of it all . . . the ugly ass way it ended . . . I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t have time to get myself ready.  Because it didn’t end the way I wanted to end. I just wasn’t ready for it.

The things that I would do to you with just a couple seconds
I would color every moment, make you feel like it’s forever
I’m comin’ over, so you can start undressin’
I’m givin’ you a chance to finally make a good impression

When I first heard the version of this song on Volume 1, I was PISSED it was only 90 secs.  I thought it held so much potential.  I wanted to send this song to you.  It was the perfect statement was what I wanted us to be. “Get Ready . . . a Bitch has plans.” That’s what the text would have said.  I needed you to know my mindset.  But alas . . . . The Road to Hell is Paved with “Good Intentions.”  This was supposed to be the next level shit we had talked about. But it all fell apart.

You only show me love
When it comes to the music
It’s like when I feel lonely
That’s when you start actin’ choosey
I don’t wanna keep playin’ them games
‘Cause I feel like I’m losin’

So I’m done. I needed to be anyway. But I’m done. Because it’s probably the better decision, at least for me.  But I miss the security that existed because you were in my life. I miss having the knowledge that there was someone out there that thought of me and smiled.  Or maybe you didn’t, and I’m making that up. It makes it easier to lie to myself.

He has you lost in your emotions
And you hate feeling so alone
And now your simpin’ because you know
You shouldn’t have stayed until the morning
It wasn’t worth all the heartache
It wasn’t worth all of the pleasure
Because you were once a diamond
He made you feel like buried treasure

You broke my heart. And I’m judging myself because of that.  Because I KNEW better. I’ve been down that road, and knew how it ended.  But I still . . . quite stupidly . . . had hope that we could be friends at the end of it all. But, friends don’t do that to each other. Friends don’t say shit like, “I mean I hear what you are saying . . . but I don’t believe you.” I’m sitting here, dealing with it.  Because I have to, even if I don’t want to.  But it hurts. Alot.

I’m still lost holding in all of the anger
At the bottom of the ocean and I thought you’d be my savior.
I was distracted, unaware of his behavior
But when I started drowning, I didn’t know he was the anchor.

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Dear MJ,

By now, you’ve been in college for 3 whole weeks. ¬†Enjoy it, this is the best time of your life. ¬†This is where you meet the people who change your life forever. ¬†Savor the geographical closeness of friends, and take full advantage of every new experience. ¬†Try everything at least once, take pictures of everything. ¬†It doesn’t stay like this forever. ¬†There are some very dark times ahead. ¬†You will use the happiness of this year to get you through some of those times. ¬†Be Glad I warned you.

On Friendship . . . 

The people you meet in these 4 years, are¬†your family. ¬†Not just friends in passing, but the shoulders you will cry on when life is falling apart. ¬†You will leave college with Brothers would would fight a bear for you. ¬†You will leave with Sisters who will fight that same bear, and probably send evil text messages to that bear’s whole family for years, just because they love you. ¬†Some of the people you start this journey with, won’t make it until the end. ¬†You will lose great friends, but find them again ¬†. . . even if it takes 17 more years to reconnect. MJ, these friends are lifetime friends. ¬†Don’t take them for granted.

On Your Hair . . . 

MJ, you are going natural in 1999. ¬†A full 10 years before the Natural Revolution. ¬†Good Job being a pioneer. ¬†Going natural for you was a necessity, and not a protest of the white man’s wish that you assimilate to European standards of beauty. ¬†You just don’t know how to do your hair, and that’s okay. ¬† But your hair is beautiful, enjoy the texture. ¬†You are Beautiful, MJ. Everything about you is Beautiful. Sadly, no one is going to recognize you need to hear that from time to time. ¬†You won’t feel beautiful until your 20’s,¬†¬†But I’m telling you now.

On Your Career . . .

Right now, you are probably sitting in your programming class, wondering how the hell you are going to program a damn computer to play Rock Paper Scissors with you. ¬†You are going to get your first failing grade on a test. ¬†Don’t worry, it’s going to get better!

You are going to find your calling, Children.  You are going to go through a few different phases.  Education, Tutoring, and you are going to land on Social Work.  God put you on this earth, MJ, to help children.  You are great at it.  You will make a lasting impact on hundreds of children.

Sadly, the profession you choose isn’t gonna keep them pockets fat. ¬†You are going to end up being the poor friend. ¬†Except, you won’t figure that out until you are 34. ¬†You learn to survive with what you have. ¬†Some years are going to be much worse than others, but as you get closer to your true purpose, you will figure out how be handle your money better.

Money is going to cause you to shed some tears, some ugly ass tears. ¬†But MJ, you will survive it. ¬†So keep going, even when you feel like you can’t.

On Love . . . 

People are going to break your heart. ¬†Remember those dark times I was talking about . . . The first time is coming in about 10 months. ¬†Don’t try to stop it. ¬†He’s your soulmate. ¬†That kind of love is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. ¬†He’s going to stay with you the rest of your life. ¬†But losing it, is going to break you.

I mean, devastate you, and no one around you will see it. ¬†No one around you will recognize the signs of depression, because Black People Don’t Get Depressed. ¬†It takes about 10 years, but he comes back, and he’s one of your best friends.

True Love is something you are going to look for in almost every person you meet, which is stupid. ¬†Nora Roberts fucked you on that. ¬†There is no such thing. ¬†It’s just emotional connections that work out or not. ¬†The other two guys, who will both break your heart by the way, they aren’t bad people. ¬†They just couldn’t handle you, and how intense you can be. ¬†Calm the fuck down, MJ. Take it slowly. ¬†Stop trying to make every guy your future husband. ¬†Calm the FUCK Down.

On Sex . . . 

You are going to waste your college years. ¬†This is the time in life, when you should be whoring it up. But you won’t, because they told you men only marry the good girls. ¬†THEY LIED. Men marry the Jump Offs. ¬†You are going to be SO PISSED once you figure that out. ¬†Sorry girl, you should have been a heaux. You had the PERFECT dating app, Greek Life. And what are you gonna do, MJ? Be friends with everyone. ¬†Dumb Ass.

However, your greatest sexual encounters are going to be with people you’ve been friends with most of¬†your life. ¬†So that’s something, right MJ? You can hold out for that, you’ve only got like 13 more years to wait.

On Your Sexual Identity . . .

It’s okay that you like girls too. ¬†It’s okay that you have crushes on girls in college. ¬†Even though you grew up in church, and they told you something was wrong with you because you liked girls . . . It’s okay. Even though people in your family drop the F-Word with ease, and try to shame their male children for being sensitive . . . it’s OKAY.

It’s perfectly NORMAL to be BiSexual. You will be happier once you stop hiding it. ¬†And you are going to meet some amazing people that help you get there. ¬†Let Your Flag Fly MJ. It’s okay to be Queer.

Finally, MJ . . . 

These plans you have right now for your life, on who you are going to be, and where you are going to end up . . . WRONG. Stop trying to be like everyone else. ¬†You aren’t. ¬†You are so Different, and Special, and Beautiful, and Unique. ¬†There is no one in this world like you. Your personal freedom will come, when you embrace yourself.

Stop comparing yourself to your friends, it won’t bode well for you. ¬†Be Proud of who you are, in that moment. ¬†Every single tear is going to be worth it. ¬†The pain won’t last always, MJ. You are going to make it. ¬†And it’s going to be Spectacular.

I’m Proud of You MJ,

34 Year Old You.

White Picket Dreams or TAMC Part 2a

I’m sitting here looking at this old canvas
And the picture looks so different from you
Yes it does, yes it does
Maybe it’s time to go back to the drawing board
Cause it’s likely that the man I drew is fictional

Here’s the thing . . . I haven’t listened to this album in a while. ¬†I can’t tell you why, I just haven’t. ¬†But thanks to my Spotify Discover Weekly, this song popped up, and Solange changed my life again. ¬†Cuz I’ve been painting over the same canvas for years. ¬†That image of the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect relationship. ¬†I continue to try to make people (men and women) I meet fit on one of the canvases I created in college, that was supposed to represent what my life should be. ¬†Even while knowing the canvas is bullshit. ¬†Because it is.

For five long years
I thought you were my man
But I found out
I’m just a link in your chain

It took me 10 years to get over my first love (TBTLINY). Through mostly no fault of his own, I was just holding on to the hope that we could make it work. ¬†Because the connection was so deep, and the love was so strong. It just HAD to work. But in real life, he was just meant to be my friend (I think). {I might still be holding out hope that he will come to his senses, so sue me. ¬†You don’t know my life.} But he’s been the prototype, for everyone that has come afterward. ¬†They have to make me feel like I did when I first heard his voice, I have to want to be with them like I wanted to be with TBTLINY. The connection had to be that strong. Repainting on the same canvas.

If I could… could forget him,¬†I would… please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it’s not… not that easy
You treat me so much better than him,¬†And if I was sane there’d be no competition

But… but I’m in love with someone else (ooh)
And I’m so sorry hey hey
I’m in love with another man
And I know it ain’t right

Instead of trying to heal, you tried to move on. ¬†Even though you weren’t ready. ¬†You might have even found a good guy/girl. ¬†But you were still staring at that old canvas. ¬†Longing for the life you had created in your head and your heart. ¬†It’s so hard to let go of the image, once it’s been solidified in your mind. ¬†That painting is stuck to the walls, and it’s not coming down until it wants to.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night
But that was all before he came
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right
But now he’s here
It’s not the same, it’s not the same

So then you meet this new person, and they can do all the things. ¬†They make you smile all day, and you feel all the feelings, and they fit the mold. ¬†Finally, you can take that portrait off the wall, and start making a new one. ¬†But instead of starting over, you use the outline of the last painting to create this one.At first, it works perfectly. ¬†Slowly but surely, it’s the little things that don’t quite fit. ¬†The painting starts to go outside the lines. They don’t quite seem so perfect, you start to see the flaws, the colors start changing, lines get blurred. ¬†Once again, the picture in your head was wrong.

Some of you know what it feels like
Caught up just in his life
Don’t wanna try again, thinking what’s the difference?
Why am I not interested?
Cause when you’ve been broken, you feel like no one can fix it

I’ve decided to stop painting. ¬†I just . . . Quit. And I’m okay with that. Clearly, me trying to control every bit of this isn’t working. So I’m done now. ¬†I just needed to say that. ¬†Cuz yeah. ¬†That’s the conclusion I reached yesterday. Just stop trying, cuz Adulting is hard enough without trying to be a master painter.

My need to control every little part of my life is driving me crazy. ¬†I can say that now, probably because when this blog is published, not that many people will read it. ¬†I wrote this a few months ago, but then I didn’t publish it. ¬†At the time, it was because I couldn’t get the Spotify links to work right . . . But you know, everything in time. ¬†So I’ll post it now, and let this be another part of Confession #2.

 

 

 

I’mma Keep Runnin . . . Or My Fan-Girl Reaction to Lemonade

Your. Fave. Could. Never. ¬†That’s the first thing you need to know. ¬†I don’t care who your Fave is. They could NEVER be Beyonce. ¬†Not ever in life. Not with training, not by drinking her bath water. ¬†Not by living with her for 10 years. ¬†YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER. ¬†{YFCN}

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, Lets Talk about Lemonade.

beyonce-lemonade-video-trailer

Lemonade is a visual representation of the Black Woman Struggle. ¬†It’s every part of a Black Woman’s life. ¬†The Lies, the Love, the Tears, the Anger, the Jealously, the Shame, the Ugliness, the Beauty, but most of all . . . The Pride. ¬†If you finish watching Lemonade, and don’t feel like a Proud Black Woman . . . you did it wrong. ¬†Start all over again. I don’t care if you’re Asian, you should feel like a Proud and Strong Black Woman at the end.

BAAAAABY. ¬†Beyonce said, “Keep Trying ME.” The Visuals, the spoken word (shouts to Warsan Shire) the music. ¬†Every track is immaculate. ¬†Yes, I am fan-girling the FUCK outta this album. Thank you to Tidal for this, because . . . yes. ¬†I have to go Track by Track. ¬†That’s really the only it can be done.

Pray that you catch me

1) Pray That You Catch Me

Ever KNEW your man was cheating. ¬†Every sign pointed to him being an Ain’t Shit Type of Nigga, but you wanted to hold on to the part of you that feels like you can’t get played. ¬†That’s this song. ¬†She knows he’s cheating, she is praying that he knows that she knows. ¬†While watching this with my Twitter Family, we were all like . . . hold on wait?!?! Is this about Jay? This is actually my least favorite song on this album. Not because it’s not good . . . they just all get consistently better.
hold up

2) Hold Up

Beyonce was walking down the the street, with a bat. ¬†In wit’ dem micros flowing free. ¬†All types of Bey from Destiny’s Child. ¬†Like . . . everything. ¬†Her in that yellow, smashing windows and breaking shit. She’s my Angry Black Girl Hero. Then she had the nerve to drive over all them cars with a Big Ass Truck. ¬†Look Here, Don’t fuck with Beyonce. She is crazy. ¬†And I LOVE it.

 

Don't Hurt Yourself

3) Don’t Hurt Yourself feat. Jack White

Angry Beyonce who curses is so much of the things. First, Jack White?!?!? Your Fave Could Never. Lets talk about these lyrics tho . . .

Who the Fuck Do you I am?

You ain’t married to no Average Bitch Boy!

You gone watch my fat ass twist boy, 

As I bounce to the next Dick Boy. 

Again, all of Twitter was like wait . . . what did Jay do to her? ¬†Do we gotta hate him now? Is we fighting him in the face? Cuz why is Bey this mad?!?! At this point, Jay’s twitter mentions were in SHAMBLES. Men and women were like “Jay, I mean we can’t even help you out. ¬†You done fucked up now.”

i ain't sorry

4) Sorry

Then she showed up with all her girls, in a bus. Throwing up middle fingers, and saying, “Fuck em’ Girl, Fuck Em'” AND had Serena Williams twerking in a video! But once again, them lyrics. ¬† I have to admit, I was more than a little concerned at this point. ¬†Cuz ummmmm, again, why is she so mad?!?

I love this Beyonce, not afraid to curse, to be real about her life (maybe) and talking about all the facets of her relationship (maybe). Best Line of the Song . . . “He betta call Becky wit tha Good Hair.” Bish WHET?!?!? Now we gotta be mad at any bish named Becky?!?!?

6 inch

5) 6 Inch feat. The Weeknd

Just . . . yes. ¬†I’ve been waiting for this collaboration. ¬†I can’t even tell you what this song is about {honestly, I think it’s about a working girl who wears 6 Inch Heels}. ¬†I got caught up in the sampling of Walk On By by Isaac Hayes. ¬†That guitar riff. ¬†EVERYTHING. Seriously Guys, at this point I was just so much in my feelings at the beauty of the visuals. I had to stop tweeting, and just breathe.

daddy lessons

6) Daddy Lessons

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS Come Through with this Country Song. She said, “Hey Taylor Swift . . . fuck you.” And she started it with Zydeco music. ¬†This visuals for this one were beautiful. ¬†You get this home movie with Beyonce and her Dad which then switched into¬†a video of Blue Ivy and Matthew. ¬†At this point, I think we all breathe a sigh of relief, maybe it was about Matthew and Tina, and not Jay and B. ¬†Okay, maybe that was just me. ¬†Either way. I was able to deal a little bit better.

Love Drought7) Love Drought

At this point, the visuals changed, and along with them the message (at least for me) ¬†From talking about Self, to the purity of having your sister’s behind you. ¬†To having women in your life you can build you up when you are down. These women, in white in a river, gives me this feeling of being cleansed and washing off all the weight of the past.

Sand castles

8) Sandcastles

At this point, I started crying. Because . . . OH MY GOOD SAWEET LORD! It came out that Prince said in an interview, that Beyonce needed to learn to play the piano, it would take her to another level. Like . . . . Seriously. ¬†I’m tearing up right now remembering that clip. ¬†Because This whole WEEK has been shitty. I still haven’t processed the loss of Prince. ¬†It felt like he was saying . . . “If they listen, I will guide them.” Plus, the VISUALS. Jay-Z at his most vulnerable. ¬†With his hand on her ankle, laying in bed just basking in her. Sitting there holding her. Y’all #GOALS.

Black Moms

9) Forward

AGAIN, TEARS. This whole montage of Black Mothers and Children, in PAIN because of their loss at the hands others. ¬†The PAIN in Mike Brown’s mother’s eyes . . . I lost it. These mothers, who raised beautiful Black Men, only to lose them in such a violent way.

Don’t ever say Beyonce doesn’t care about her people, don’t ever say she doesn’t understand or know the plight of her people. ¬†Don’t Ever Say Beyonce isn’t WOKE. ¬†She’s 6 Liters of Monster Energy Drink and 18 Cups of Coffee type WOKE. She doesn’t even have to set alarm clocks, she just wakes up on her own. ¬†

Again, Your Fave Could Never.

Freedom

10) Freedom feat. Kendrick Lamar

Hands down my favorite song on the album.  The message of Black Power, of Black Female Empowerment, of Black Beauty coming in every shade, size (maybe), and age.

Freedom, Freedom I Can’t Move!

Freedom Cut Me Loose!

Freedom, Freedom Where are you?

Cuz I need Freedom too!

I break chains all by myself, won’t let my Freedom rot in Hell,

Im’ma Keep Running cuz a Winner don’t Quit on themselves!

black girls are awesome

Lets talk about this Visual. ¬†You got Zendaya, Chloe and Hallie, and Amandla Stenberg. {Judge me not, I don’t know who the other girls are} Like, WHAT?!?!?

Beyonce called people and was like, “Look, I need you to come sit. ¬†You don’t have a speaking part, I just need you to sit on some stuff. ¬†There may be chairs, steps, perhaps a tree? You Down?”¬†

And EVERYONE SAID YES. Cuz at this point in life, you don’t say no to Beyonce. ¬†You just Don’t.¬†Can we also discuss Michaela Deprince and her ballet. ¬†Yes Chile’ get it. ¬†Beyonce is here for all the little black girls with a dream.
blue feeding Jay

11) All Night Long

At this point, I was so drenched in Love, and Black Pride, and happiness. ¬†And then we get Family Home Videos?!?! Beyonce pregnant, do you SEE how cute Blue Ivy was as a baby! It’s just so much of all the things I needed today. The home movies, plus the beautiful pictures of all kinds of love. ¬†Black Love, and Queer Love, and Interracial Love, and Young Love, and Old Love. ¬†Tina and Richard! Come on now! So Damn Beautiful.

formation

12) Formation

Look here, she didn’t even have this in the Visual Album. ¬†That’s how much she knew we didn’t even need this again. ¬†What she had just given us was MORE than enough. ¬†We thought Formation was the beginning of the Movement, and it was the Culmination of the Journey.¬†

Beyonce

Look, I’ve been an admitted fan of Beyonce since I Am Sasha Fierce. But Lemonade is everything I’ve been trying to tell everyone Beyonce could and can be. ¬†This was like a therapy session, FOR FREE. ¬†Twin said, “This should have been called Daddy issues Part 1,” and she ain’t eva lied.

She talked about generational curses, and the WORK it takes to break free of them, as well as the power that comes to women when they finally break free.¬†I’m not really sure what I expected this to be. But I can tell you what it ended up being for me.

Magic.  

Black Girls are Magic. ¬†Black Girls can do and be whatever the hell we want to be. Beyonce is the most magical Black Girl some people have ever seen. ¬†Beyonce’s Magic appears to be effortless, even as she shows us all her flaws. ¬†As I’m sitting here, watching Lemonade from the beginning on my phone {because it just feels more intimate} I am in Awe of what Beyonce has become. As well as excited for where she is going to take us next.

Also, YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER. 

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  How did Lemonade change YOUR life? Feel free to share.

I Think I Might Love Writing Challenges

So, my life is super busy.¬† I rarely have time to sit down and write an in-depth blog anymore.¬† Because writing a blog for me, takes about 2 – 3 hours, depending on the topic.¬† And If I have to search for images, or song lyrics, or some clip or point of reference . . . That’s gonna take even longer.¬† The problem is, I only sit down at a keyboard 3-4 times a week, and I’m actually working then.¬† So I think for a while, I’m going to just do some writing challenges, with the occasional deep ass blog thrown in when I have time.

To my new readers, thank you so much for following my blog!¬† I never expected anyone to follow this thing, and I’ve been for 9+ years.¬† I hope you find things that amuse, help, make you laugh, etc.¬† You might also find some things you don’t agree with¬† (Probably everything written from 2007-2009.¬† That was my anything goes/Sarcastic Asshole phase.)

And now, for today’s topic: 5 Ways to Win My Heart

image

1) You Need to Be Dominant
I’ve wholeheartedly accepted that I’m submissive when it comes to relationships.¬† Seriously, I wrote two blogs about it. So I’m not here for you if you want me to take care of you.¬† I can be supportive, and affectionate, but I refuse to be in charge in our relationship.¬† I won’t respect you, and the relationship will end VERY quickly.¬† This doesn’t mean you should beat the crap outta me, this means I should be able to trust you enough to let you be in charge.

a-man-is-not-a-financial-plan-quote-12) You have to have AT LEAST what I Have.
I’m not a parent, I shouldn’t be taking care of you.¬† If you don’t have at least what I have, we aren’t going to work.¬† If I’m working two jobs, you have to AT LEAST be working one full time job.¬† You don’t have to own a Tesla, cuz me and my Buick Century are just fine.¬† You don’t even have to OWN your house, but you need to have one.¬† What do i look like introducing you to my friends and family, and I have to explain what you bring to the relationship? I’ve done that, it makes me feel stupid.¬† I don’t care how great the sex is, if you embarrass me, I shouldn’t be dealing with you.

images-13) Don’t Woo me, if you can’t keep it up
If i meet you, and every night is eating at fancy restaurants, and movies, and Dave and Busters, Keep That Shit Up.¬† You set the expectations, if you stop living up to them one of two things is going to happen.¬† A) I’m going to take it personal, and assume you have started to think less of me or b) I’m gonna get pissed off and break up with you.¬† If your circumstances change, it’s understandable if some things have to be put on the back burner for a while.¬† But you have to put in the work consistently. Consistency is Key to keep me focused on you and/or our relationship.

09d1e7e1135c1c82dbdb118ea8cbdab3-612x612x14) Introduce me to something new
Is it bad I need to be Wowed? I’ve seen some pretty amazing things, not gonna lie.¬† So you are going to have to step my game up. Cuz I like new stuff.¬† I have new interest ADD.¬† I like to explore all the things.

image5) Be Woke
I can’t be with you if you aren’t knowledgable about societal issues.¬† You can’t be a Republican.¬† You can’t be watch Fox News.¬† You have to know who Chris Hayes and Rachael Maddow are.¬† You have to be able to tell the difference between an actual news story, and a hoax post. You need to know who Deray, Netta, and Luvvie are.¬† You don’t have to be Black, honestly.¬† But if you are White, you need to know what Privlege is, and acknowledge yours.¬† You have to be able to deal with me being upset when a Black Child Dies.¬† You need to be able to deal with my anger about another White Man killing innocent people and not being called a terrorist. You Have To Be Woke.

So that’s it.¬† Not too bad right? ¬†