Tag Archive | Submission

The Black Twitter Guide to Dating

In no way can I claim to be part of the #BlackTwitterElite. My blog is not quoted daily, nor do I have 1000+ followers.  No one buys my cookies online, and I haven’t discovered (then exploited) all the secrets Shea Butter holds.  But What I am, is an observer.  I follow the people to which the aforementioned criteria applies to.  In my observations, I have learned that I have been doing this dating thing all wrong.  I offer to you, The Black Twitter (Male) Guide to Dating.  Enjoy!

Rule #1: You Must Be Physically Perfect

NO EDGES, NO MAN!

This means you can never take a bad picture.  EVER. The only way you are considered an eligible prospect is physical perfection, or making a constant effort to get there. The good thing is, you don’t have to be NATURALLY perfect.  Cosmetic ‘restructuring’ is perfectly acceptable, as long as you don’t expect your man to pay for it.  Ass shots, fake boobs, spray tan, proper photo angles . . . all of these are fine, as long as no one is ever exposed to your flaws.

Where do You Fall?

Rule #1a: Long Hair, they really do care.  If it’s a weave – as long as it doesn’t come out during the two-hour quickies in the middle of the day – the Black Twitter Male has no issue with it.  HOWEVER, ‘Yo Edges Betta Be On POINT!’ Those edges must flourish.  If they don’t, you should have a plan of action in order to improve them.  But make sure you purchase your all-natural products from the right person/company/online store, because this faux-paux is grounds for a breakup and an immediate twitter slandering.

Rule #1b: If you choose to go natural, your hair texture must be between a 2B and a 3F.  Anything other than that is nappy, and that shit ain’t cute.  Cuz we all know, Natural ain’t for everybody.

Rule #2: All Girls must understand/like sports to be considered dating material.  

This means you will sit on the couch during the game (after you have made him the greatest sandwich to ever have been made) and watch the game with him.  Because if you won’t watch the game with him, there will always be another female who will.

Black Twitter Perfection

Rule #2a: You must understand enough about sports to never talk during a game, but not enough to argue a call/play.  No good woman is so into sports she disagrees with her man.  The minute you get the urge to argue a call, just go make a sandwich, or clean something.  It could save your relationship.

Rule 2b: You Must Like Football.  American Football, not Soccer.  This is not an option.

Rule 2c: Either you hate Lebron James, or you know all the stats that make him better than Jordan. This rule also applies to Kobe Bryant.  If your man is having an argument about the Greatness of Jordan/LeBron/Kobe, you should be able to back him up.  Your facts must be up to date, so study while you are making dinner.  This shows your level of dedication to your man.

Rule #3: Chivalry Exists, just not all the time.

. . . This.

It’s unfair to expect a man to have a clearly defined role in your relationship, so stop expecting it.  Yes, he is a MAN. But if he doesn’t want to be the provider, that is his choice.  If you fight him about it, it’s really you being difficult, not him being a bum.  Doesn’t he take out the trash? Doesn’t he always cut the grass three days after you ask? Doesn’t he always drive your car when you are going somewhere? Why are you asking so much of him? Do you want to be single?

Rule #3a: You are not allowed to have an opinion . . . ever. You minute you understand this, you will have a happy relationship.

She knows her place . . . do you?

Rule #3b: All women belong in the kitchen, or at work.  You must choose one or the other, you can’t to both.  The minute you find a man, you have to either become his property or his provider.  The 2013 man isn’t looking for a partner, he’s looking for a caregiver. If you can’t cook, then you better have a good ass job.  Cuz Real Men don’t cook, they only use the grill.  And they drink imported beer.  And who do you think it going to pay for that? Surely not him.  So you better be making at least $75,000 a year.  You can’t support two people on anything less.

Every Man on Black Twitter Looks Like This

Rule #4: Men will be men . . . deal with it.

If you question why he thinks it’s okay to flirt on social media, it’s because he’s a man.  He’s not fcuking her, they just play flirt.  Stop being so sensitive.  You are lucky to even have a man, if you think about it.  You, with your 4b textured hair, and your oddly off-kilter smile.  You are really pushing it by asking him to respect your relationship. Having expectations for your man is why you were single in the first place.

Rule #4a: The Modern Black Woman doesn’t expect the man to do anything but love her.  If you want to go on a $200 date (what you need to know it’s real) then you BEST pay for it yourself.  Or at least pay half.  And if you don’t pay for half of it, you should have a way to say thank you . . . Also, don’t ask for anything. BUT, you better let him know what you are NOT asking for.  Don’t just show up at the crib with your Hair Did, Nails Done, everything did.  You better tell him where you are going first!

. . . and that’s fine. You should be Light Skinned tho . . .

Rule #5: All single women are lonely bitter women . . . and also probably dark skinned.

Because Light Skinned women are perfect.  They fit all the requirements by just existing.  Its not the Black Twitter Male’s fault that you have 2 babies’ fathers.  He didn’t leave you alone and pregnant. He takes care of his 4 kids, $50 a month for each of them. And he sees them on the Holidays.  Why are you so angry? Is it helping, Bitter DarkSkinned Lonely Black Woman.  I doubt it.

Rule #5a: The best kind of woman is a Lady in the Streets, and a Freak in the bed.  And also a Freak on Twitter.  Also a Freak on Instagram.  Also, she is a Twitter Honey. (She’s allowed to have followers, but she can only follow you) And also, she can twerk to any song.  And also, she’s down for a threesome.  Or a foursome.  Also, she will send you nudes on every major life occasion, and then just because.  And, if you as a Black Twitter Male leaks those nudes, well it’s her fault for being a Hoe.

Rule #5b: The Black Twitter Male is looking for a submissive woman.  This means he is in charge all the time.  He sets all the rules that she is to live by, in their relationship.  He is also not bound by these rules, because he is a man. (See Rule #4) She must have read 50 Shades of Grey, and been able to relate to it.  Because all women really just want a man to be in charge, and the perfect woman wants to hand over control the minute she meets a man.

I share . . . because I Care.

Doesn’t all this information make you look at Dating in 2013 in a different light?!?!?!  You, like me, were probably trying to put your best foot forward, and not settle for anything less than perfect.  Now that you know the standards you should be living up to, I hope to see all of my friends wifed up by the end of 2013.  I’m looking for all kinds of wedding invites in 2014.

Thanks for Reading! Comments/Thoughts/Additional Rules Welcomed!

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CSBF Vol 19: I’m a Submissive Woman {Part 2a} Relationship Dynamics

*Quick Disclaimer: I do not claim to be a relationship expert. I have not gone to school for Relationship Counseling, nor have I received a degree in Sociology from a Prestigious University. These words are MY opinions. Based on my own experiences and observations. This is my effort to share my thoughts, and maybe to tell you what is wrong with your relationship. If you are offended, hurt, taken aback by anything stated here…That Sucks. Please enjoy 🙂 *

In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to be a protector/provider.   “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” or “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.

This is a line from my previous blog that I wish to focus on more in-depth here. Please read the previous blog, just so you can understand my mindset. This is Confession of a SINGLE Black Female, so I know some people will read this and think, ‘No Wonder she is single. This chick is crazy.’ But I have come to believe that my delay in understanding the concept of submission is actually WHY I am still single.

I grew up reading Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts. Books full of strong female characters who took no shit, and lived their lives exactly the way they wanted.  Suddenly, a knight in shining armor showed up, and changed their lives forever. In all actuality, I’ve never seen a real life relationship. Not a stable/healthy one anyway.  I grew up in a circle of Single Mothers and dysfunctional homes.  I say all this so that you can understand that my idea of what a relationship should look like has been skewed almost from the beginning.

Part 2A:  What You Are Doing Wrong

The first thing you have to realize – being submissive in a relationship is not evil.

Submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
 Nowhere in that definition does it say: be a human doormat. When most women – and some men – see the word Submission, they immediately think they lose every ounce of respect they have for themselves. Submission doesn’t mean physical abuse (unless ur kinky like that), nor does it mean you lose your voice. It doesn’t mean you become a mouse without a care in the world, nor does it mean your thoughts/opinions don’t matter. Being submissive really means you already know where you stand, so there is no need to constantly redefine that role.

If you are trying to create a good relationship, you might want to look at the people who are around you. This doesn’t just have to do with Dominant/Submissive relationships, but most relationships in general. Birds of a Feather Flock Together.  If you spend all your time listening to your SINGLE Momma/Cousin/Sister/Aunt about whats wrong in your relationship, and you don’t see a problem with that, something is wrong with you.  Don’t forget, Misery Loves Company. After they have talked you out of your relationship & and the potential for happiness, where does that leave you?

If, much like me,  you spent your whole life watching relationships fall apart you should have learned what not to do.  Most children of divorce or bad relationships don’t sit around saying, “Yup, that’s exactly what I am going to do in my relationships!”  So why do we usually end up in that exact relationship? Because we listen to the people who lived that life.  Even more than that, because we don’t have an example, we make it up as we go along.

People in relationships should spend a fair amount of time with other people in relationships. If you are struggling in your relationship, do you have a relationship model? A couple that is by no means perfect, but are actively working on their relationship day by day. Or are you still living like you did when you were single? If you have a partner, but you don’t spend most of your time with them, how are you ever going to find a way to make your relationship work? *I ask these questions not to be condescending or facetious, but with a genuine need to know how your relationship works.*

Too many times, when couple are fighting it’s because they are comparing themselves as individuals, to other people in their life. “Well, Tammy can do whatever she wants, and Ricky doesn’t care!” What you very rarely see is the boundaries that have been set beforehand.  It takes month, even years for a healthy and/or stable relationship to form.  It’s not just what you see at dinner.  It’s every night when you get home, communicating with your partner,  working out the kinks.  Everything pretty didn’t start out that way.

If you are struggling in your relationship, you might need to acknowledge the problem has nothing to do with your partner.  Are you thinking the way you did when you were single? This is where the Submissive attitude comes in.  In a Dominant/Submissive relationship, you aren’t going to be the first person that you think of.  That’s why I say, It Ain’t For Everybody.  I am the most selfish person I know, usually.  It took a constant effort on my part, at first, to even think about someone else first. It’s a decision that I had a make on my own, I wasn’t forced into it.

You have to truly believe, It’s Not About You Anymore. Whether you are married or dating exclusively, you have made a commitment to partner with this other person. This SHOULD mean you are no longer your first priority. Teamwork makes the Dream Work. In almost every relationship imaginable, selfishness will ALWAYS lead to singleness. Is your every thought about what would make you happy? It shouldn’t be.  You should go out of your way, at times, to bring a smile to your partner’s face. This doesn’t mean you completely forget about yourself.  This means you start to enjoy making the other person happy.

Again, It Ain’t for Everybody. As an only child, of a Strong Black and Independent Single Mother, the discovery of this part of me is still difficult to explain to others.  I was taught to take care of myself first. Finding genuine pleasure is pleasing another person (and this has nothing to do with sex) was a very strange feeling for me.  Making slight adjustments to my daily routine, taking time to factor in someone else’s preferences, asking about things before taking control of a situation, all completely foreign to me. But, Good LORD, when I saw the difference it made. It’s all worth it, at least to me.

Look at your past relationships, why did they ultimately end? Usually, it’s because the actions of one or both of the people in the relationship hurt the other person/people. It’s because they were thinking of themselves, and not the unit as a whole. You HAVE to know and understand the preferences of your partner if you are going to actually try to make your relationship work.  Ask yourself, what contributions am I making to this relationship? What am I bringing to the table that makes this better for BOTH of us. If the answer is nothing or something that only benefits you, you might want to reevaluate your choices.

You should also have very Clearly Defined Roles. Labels are at times a good thing. If you are living with a person, who is going to pay bills? Who is going to cook? How many times a week should meals be cooked? Who takes out the trash, makes the bed, etc. These are all responsibilities which have to be taken care of, so why not figure it out together? This way, instead of fighting every week because the dogs didn’t get walked, you spend more time watching the dogs playing outside while cuddled up on the couch. It’s very hard to assume things if you have already discussed it beforehand. Communication is KEY.

On the flip side, everyone has the right to make a request. Requests have more to do with personal preferences than they do with the everyday workings of your relationship. Things like, please put the toilet seat down before you leave the bathroom, or don’t buy fat-free milk if you go shopping. These are seemingly little things, but they can lead to larger problems if not discussed in a timely manner. Never let things fester. It’s the little things that cause the biggest problems when it comes to keeping a couple happy and sane.

If you are the man (or male figure) BE A MAN.  As a man (or male figure), you are going to have to decide if you are a Provider or a Pimp. Meaning, are you providing for your mate because you feel it’s your responsibility,  or are you paying them for services rendered?   Going right along with that, are you a Father Figure or the Head of the Household? Some women – myself included at times – are looking for a Father Figure. A man who is going to take charge of everything, without me having a say whatsoever. Some women don’t want/need that. They already had someone like that growing up.

If you are fortunate enough in this day & age to find a girl without Daddy Issues, then you need to be the Head of your Household. The HoH is the Ultimate Decision Maker.  They make the major decisions when it comes to how the relationship works, what choices need to me made.  This doesn’t mean discussions don’t happen, it just means at the end of the day, the HOH will have the last say.  Many times, the HOH will factor in the preference of their partner.  They could in fact change their decision because they value the thoughts,  opinions, and feelings of their mate.

The most important part of any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, is Honesty. If you can’t be honest with your partner, you shouldn’t be with them.  Truth Hurts, but so does a break up.  If you can’t tell your partner everything that’s on your mind – without fear of retribution – you shouldn’t be with them. Part of that setting boundaries thing I was talking about earlier, comes in here as well.  Sometimes, you are going to have to clarify your intent before even having a conversation with your partner.  You might have to say, “This is just how I feel.  I just need to let it out.” or “I need you to understand that I am referring to what has happened in my past, not to you.”

Mind you, there are going to be times when the possibility of losing that relationship is quite real.  But if it’s a good relationship, once feelings and tempers have cooled, you will be just fine. Another thing to think about: If you can’t tell them about it, should it be going on in your life? If you can’t tell him where you went with your girls, should you have gone? If you have to put a password on your phone he/she doesn’t know, why should he/she trust you?  What do you have to hide? In a healthy relationship, your life should be an open book.

Most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself.  If your relationship isn’t working, be brave enough to admit it isn’t.  If you have tried everything, and done everything in your power to fix it but it’s still broken . . . It might be time to let it go.  You should also be honest about your role in your relationship.  Just because your friends have the upper hand in their relationships doesn’t mean you have to. Stop fighting who you are.

The only thing I know for sure is this is how I am choosing to live MY LIFE.  It’s made my life a lot simpler, and it’s something that I am committed to.  I’m just sharing my story, with the hope that others might find it useful or helpful.  Judge Me If You Want, I have nary a care in the world.  I’m happy.  And in the end, that is truly what matters to me.

Feel free to comment.  I hope this makes you think, or angry, or happy, or all of them.  Thank you for reading.

CSBF Vol 18: I am a Submissive Woman…. Judge If You Must {Part 1}

*Let me just say, these are MY thoughts, and opinions. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you already know how messed up I am as a person. So you should be fine with what I say next. Those of you who have never been here, continue reading at your own risk*

In a recent CSBF I spoke about being tired of playing the role of a Strong, Black, Independent Woman. This was really a prequel to the admission I am in fact, submissive by nature. It wasn’t until I wrote that blog, then had a conversation with MM, that I finally said out loud what I had been afraid to say for years; having the upper hand in a relationship doesn’t appeal to me.  There have been so many men that would have let me have my way, and do whatever I wanted, and they just didn’t appeal to me.

Clearly, this goes against most things I have said in this blog almost from the beginning. But as I have gotten older & dealt with various kinds of men, I noticed a pattern.  They were all very dominant men. They had take charge personalities, and were constantly frustrated when I tried to tell them what to do.  Be it how to program their phone, or which way to take to our destination, they would just be angry.  My compulsion to explain to them how I would handle various scenarios, and my want to make sure they understood MY point of view, was a persistent source of contention.

A part of me, blames my willingness to submit on my daddy issues. I’m almost 30 years old, and I am still looking for someone to tell me what to do. I have no scientific proof, or psychological evidence to support this theory of mine, but it makes sense to me.

submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Now, my definition of submission (in terms of a relationship) might be different from yours, so let me try to explain it.  To me, being submissive in a relationship is not about being the lesser of the two.  But instead, humbling yourself enough to allow another person to take charge.  This means, that in a stable/healthy relationship, the submissive person is able to voice their opinion, share their thoughts, and even disagree with their significant other.

Submissiveness creates a partnership, or an understanding between the two people in the relationship.  Roles and responsibilities are discussed and presented, and those roles are adhered to until such time as more discussion is needed.  Being a submissive person isn’t about giving away all of your control, it’s about using your power in the correct way. In other words,  the willingness to submit is not actually giving up authority, but understanding the benefits of properly using your clout in the relationship.

Today, I sat in church for the first time in more than a year, and my Pastor was speaking on this subject.  Everything he said, I had just recently discovered within myself, so it was like the entire sermon was confirmation just for me.  During the sermon, several points were made that really made me see some of the relationships I have had in the past in a completely different way.

  • Woman was designed to fulfill a need inside of Adam (Man) – Genesis 2:18
  • Woman was designed to bring out the Man in Adam – Genesis 2:21

Submissive {from the Hebrew Definition}

To Line up under, for your protection.

What this said to me, is most women who have such an issue with being submissive in their relationship might not have the right man for them.  Every man has an innate need to prove their manliness.  Usually he does this by being a provider/protector.  In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to do/be this.  “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.  If you are with a man who feels no need to protect/provide for you, he’s probably not the right man for you.

You should also remember – according to Biblical Theory – Man and Woman were created as equals.  It was only after Eve tempted Adam God said, as a PUNISHMENT, Adam would rule over Eve. If you – like me – don’t spend every day looking at the Bible . . . you can just look at Biology.  There are very few things that a Man can do, that a Woman can’t.

It takes a certain KIND of woman to bring out the protector/provider in your man.  The Club Heauxs, and Facebook Models will give a man everything he wants.  But very few women cause a man to look for what he needs.  So if you have found such a man, why must you constantly explain to him that YOU don’t need him? He could have chosen, pursued, went after anyone, and yet he has chosen to be with you.  He wants to make your life easier.  He wants to ease your fears, and keep you safe.

As a woman, you should understand the rarity of this selection as it were, and hold on to it.  Too many times, we nag and nag and nag a man into being something he doesn’t want to be.  In a stable/healthy relationship the Man already knows who and what he is. The purpose of a relationship is not to meet someone and change them, but instead to be together, sharing like interests.  Relationships are for building character in both people, not breaking each other down.

I recently met someone who made me want to become this woman.  Meeting him also made me realize I am nowhere near ready to do this.  Being submissive means sacrificing the woman’s inherent need to nurture her mate.  To mother him, and take care of him, instead of letting it be the other way around.  If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.  The more I think about admitting that I am submissive by nature, the more I realize that I have also become closer to God in the last few months. I think there is a direct correlation between those two things, and My Awesome Pastor confirmed this for me today.

This isn’t an “Only Smart Women Submit” type of Blog.  It’s really me trying to figure this whole thing out for myself.  Submission isn’t just a biblical thing, or a relationship thing {Part 2}, or a sexual thing {Part 3}, it’s an overall decision you make for yourself.  Honestly, I’ll be 30 years old in 6 days, and I JUST figured this out.  But this revelation really has changed my outlook on future relationships.

I want to be in a relationship, not because I like hugs, but because I am quite weary of not being able to share my life experiences with someone.  It’s amazing the things you are able to admit to yourself, when life makes you sit your black arse down and evaluate who you really are.  In my journey to become a person that I like again, the path is not what I was expecting.  18 months ago, I would have lambasted a blog like this with snide comments and judgments.  Instead, I sit here writing it, not ashamed and actually hoping it sparks conversation among my friends.

As always, your thoughts are welcomed! Let me know what you think!