Tag Archive | The Boy Who Lives in NYC

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Dear MJ,

By now, you’ve been in college for 3 whole weeks.  Enjoy it, this is the best time of your life.  This is where you meet the people who change your life forever.  Savor the geographical closeness of friends, and take full advantage of every new experience.  Try everything at least once, take pictures of everything.  It doesn’t stay like this forever.  There are some very dark times ahead.  You will use the happiness of this year to get you through some of those times.  Be Glad I warned you.

On Friendship . . . 

The people you meet in these 4 years, are your family.  Not just friends in passing, but the shoulders you will cry on when life is falling apart.  You will leave college with Brothers would would fight a bear for you.  You will leave with Sisters who will fight that same bear, and probably send evil text messages to that bear’s whole family for years, just because they love you.  Some of the people you start this journey with, won’t make it until the end.  You will lose great friends, but find them again  . . . even if it takes 17 more years to reconnect. MJ, these friends are lifetime friends.  Don’t take them for granted.

On Your Hair . . . 

MJ, you are going natural in 1999.  A full 10 years before the Natural Revolution.  Good Job being a pioneer.  Going natural for you was a necessity, and not a protest of the white man’s wish that you assimilate to European standards of beauty.  You just don’t know how to do your hair, and that’s okay.   But your hair is beautiful, enjoy the texture.  You are Beautiful, MJ. Everything about you is Beautiful. Sadly, no one is going to recognize you need to hear that from time to time.  You won’t feel beautiful until your 20’s,  But I’m telling you now.

On Your Career . . .

Right now, you are probably sitting in your programming class, wondering how the hell you are going to program a damn computer to play Rock Paper Scissors with you.  You are going to get your first failing grade on a test.  Don’t worry, it’s going to get better!

You are going to find your calling, Children.  You are going to go through a few different phases.  Education, Tutoring, and you are going to land on Social Work.  God put you on this earth, MJ, to help children.  You are great at it.  You will make a lasting impact on hundreds of children.

Sadly, the profession you choose isn’t gonna keep them pockets fat.  You are going to end up being the poor friend.  Except, you won’t figure that out until you are 34.  You learn to survive with what you have.  Some years are going to be much worse than others, but as you get closer to your true purpose, you will figure out how be handle your money better.

Money is going to cause you to shed some tears, some ugly ass tears.  But MJ, you will survive it.  So keep going, even when you feel like you can’t.

On Love . . . 

People are going to break your heart.  Remember those dark times I was talking about . . . The first time is coming in about 10 months.  Don’t try to stop it.  He’s your soulmate.  That kind of love is going to stay with you for the rest of your life.  He’s going to stay with you the rest of your life.  But losing it, is going to break you.

I mean, devastate you, and no one around you will see it.  No one around you will recognize the signs of depression, because Black People Don’t Get Depressed.  It takes about 10 years, but he comes back, and he’s one of your best friends.

True Love is something you are going to look for in almost every person you meet, which is stupid.  Nora Roberts fucked you on that.  There is no such thing.  It’s just emotional connections that work out or not.  The other two guys, who will both break your heart by the way, they aren’t bad people.  They just couldn’t handle you, and how intense you can be.  Calm the fuck down, MJ. Take it slowly.  Stop trying to make every guy your future husband.  Calm the FUCK Down.

On Sex . . . 

You are going to waste your college years.  This is the time in life, when you should be whoring it up. But you won’t, because they told you men only marry the good girls.  THEY LIED. Men marry the Jump Offs.  You are going to be SO PISSED once you figure that out.  Sorry girl, you should have been a heaux. You had the PERFECT dating app, Greek Life. And what are you gonna do, MJ? Be friends with everyone.  Dumb Ass.

However, your greatest sexual encounters are going to be with people you’ve been friends with most of your life.  So that’s something, right MJ? You can hold out for that, you’ve only got like 13 more years to wait.

On Your Sexual Identity . . .

It’s okay that you like girls too.  It’s okay that you have crushes on girls in college.  Even though you grew up in church, and they told you something was wrong with you because you liked girls . . . It’s okay. Even though people in your family drop the F-Word with ease, and try to shame their male children for being sensitive . . . it’s OKAY.

It’s perfectly NORMAL to be BiSexual. You will be happier once you stop hiding it.  And you are going to meet some amazing people that help you get there.  Let Your Flag Fly MJ. It’s okay to be Queer.

Finally, MJ . . . 

These plans you have right now for your life, on who you are going to be, and where you are going to end up . . . WRONG. Stop trying to be like everyone else.  You aren’t.  You are so Different, and Special, and Beautiful, and Unique.  There is no one in this world like you. Your personal freedom will come, when you embrace yourself.

Stop comparing yourself to your friends, it won’t bode well for you.  Be Proud of who you are, in that moment.  Every single tear is going to be worth it.  The pain won’t last always, MJ. You are going to make it.  And it’s going to be Spectacular.

I’m Proud of You MJ,

34 Year Old You.

CSBF Vol. 15 – Pregnancy: Single Woman’s Hustle or Single Woman’s Downfall?

This blog is going to be written in two parts, because while they both have to do with bringing a child into the world, it’s two different topics.  So like yeah . . . Enjoy.

Part 1: Sometimes I Wish I was a Simple Bitch

Based on  several conversations that I have had this week, I am going to explore this statement for a little bit. We all know that most of my blogs are based, in some way, on my personal experiences, and this one will be no different. This whole thing started with my trip to the Welfare Office, and ended with a text that said:

“Have My Child”

When I was at the Welfare office, they kept asking me if I was pregnant. First, I thought it was ‘cuz I’m fat, but then the lady explained.  “Ma’am, if you were Pregnant, they would have been able to help you out.”  I could have gotten full medical assistance, at least $400 in Food Stamps, AND Cash Assistance. You mean to tell me, the government will pay me to be a Single Mother?!?!?


The Arizona Welfare Folks

I started really thinking about getting pregnant. Not because my biological clock is ticking, but because my wallet is empty as hell. That was the hoodrat in me – Me’Keisha thinking, but she had some valid ass points:

If I was to have a kid right now, it would solve several of my problems. I would get help for my rent, full medical coverage, AND the govenrment would pay for daycare. I already have a 2 bedroom apt, so the kid would have its own room.  We all know I love children, and I think I would be a great mom.  I would also be able to keep teaching, because I don’t make enough money to NOT qualify for aid.

I could work full time, get money to pay for my child, put them in the best daycare available in Tucson, AND not work in the summer and get unemployment.  The fact that I worked that out in my head, is slightly shameful, right?!? But keep it real, if you look at it, it makes sense. {And if I get Pregnant every three years, I could live a GREAT ass life, all with the help of the Gov’ment!}


"I just wanted to do Hoodrat things with My Friends"

At this point Maegan, the Perky blonde inside me, slapped me and said, “OMG. Have you lost your mind!” But I really did seriously think about it. Leave it to Maegan to stop me from having all that Pregnancy Fun.  Gosh!

*Bill Cosby Voice*NOW, clearly, the dude who asked me to have his child isn’t the right candidate to be my sperm donor, because he asked me via text message.  Who DOES THAT?!?!?  He didn’t say raise a child with him, he didn’t say let’s start a family together. No, he just wants a child. When I gave him my answer, a very resounding No, he was pissed off. “Why the fcuk not?!?!”

{Mind you, this is coming from a man who spent probably half his life in and out of jail and/or prision. He’s a product of the State of Arizona Foster Care system, 1/4 children who were given up by their mother because she couldn’t or didn’t want to handle them. But ok….}

My explanation, “I can’t afford to have a child right now, and neither can you. Why would I do that to myself, and to a child?” After he stopped cursing, he said, “No one plans to have children! You just have them!”

Part II: It’s Just Not Done

*Disclaimer* This is no way meant to call out the single mothers of the world. I have quite a few friends who fall in this catergory. However, most of these women were part of committed relationships/marriages at the time they had their children.

I realized after talking to one of my colleagues who is actual 3 years younger than me, that some people don’t understand that you ARE supposed to plan to have children. Like everyone of your kids shouldn’t be a surprise. Most of my close friends, are single and childless. They want it that way.

Because they haven’t done everything they want to do in their own lives. So bringing a child into the world at this point wouldn’t be a smart decision. Besides the monetary strain that it would put on them, the act of pretty much saying, “My own goals are now second to those that I have for my child,” is difficult for us to do.

I’m convinced that we are the first generation in a while that is going to be having children at 35+, because its going to take us that long to get to the point where we have found a career and not just a job to tide us over. We have been taught by our own single parents and professional parents that life is harder with children, and we listened. Not only will we wait for marriage {another blog all together} but we will also wait to bring new life into this very complicated world….

Call it selfishness if you must. It’s actually based on a need to succeed.  For the majority of my friends, we know what it is to be given encouragement to get to a certain place in life.  Some of my friends have actually gotten there.  Interestingly, these are also my friends who are married.  I have quite a few friends from high school and college who are doing the same thing I am, living their life to the fullest – child free – so they have the ability to say they didn’t sacrifice anything once they had a child.

My current mindset: Until I can take one whole paycheck a month, and put it in a savings account, I shouldn’t ACTIVELY pursue having a child.  It would be a bad decision, because I woulnd’t be able to give a child the kind of life I feel they would need to succeed.  Why purposely create a struggle if it doesn’t need to be there?  This mindset may mean that I will never have children, but right now, I’m really not worried about it that much.

I teach Middle School, that’s the World’s Greatest Birth Control, trust me.

I’m sure someone is going to read this, and feel that I am trying to make the Single Mothers of the World look like dumb hoodrat bitches.  That’s not the point of this blog. Honestly, my hat goes off to all the single mother’s I know. The Single Mothers who work hard to provide for their children, and often have to deal with Shullbit in order to make their child’s life the best it can be.

In the meantime, I’m still trying to figure out life.  The ups and downs that have happened in this MONTH so far are enough to show that life is always going to surprise the hell outta you. You never know, 3 years from now, that Biological Clock might start ticking and I might start a new blog about the wonders of Motherhood (single or otherwise).

What do you think?

Black Girl Pain – My Lifelong Struggle with Depression

*The underlined words are companion pieces to this blog. They are Blogs I’ve written in the past dealing with Depression. Please check those out as well*

The first thing that must be said, Depression is real.  It’s an actual disease, that is affecting more and more young people.  The first time Depression entered my life, was just after my first break-up. I had lived my life, knowing that A Piece of Me was Missing, but not being sure if it was ever going to exist.  Suddenly, I met this person that made that all go away.  Then, after one argument, it was all over.  That happy place was shattered into a billion pieces.  I couldn’t explain that feeling to anyone, I just had to wake up everyday and face the fact that the thing that made me happier than I ever thought I could be was gone, and I didn’t ever see it coming back.

Honestly, I thought I was tired. It just made no sense to me to wake up and face classes, friends, life. My bed was just so much more comfortable.  I stopped going to classes, because when I was there, I wasn’t paying attention to what the teachers were saying anyway.  So why go to sleep in class, when my bed was right there?  I left my dorm every night at 6:oo pm for dinner with the Crew, then went right back to my room to sleep some more.  I honestly don’t know how no one noticed.  I did the bare minimum, for at least 6 months. At the end of that semester, my GPA was a 1.1427. Do you know how many classes you have to fail to get that GPA? 3, and get 2 D’s, and an A in choir.

My 3.7 GPA freshman year is the ONLY thing that kept me enrolled in the University of Dayton. I went from the 3.7 to a 2.0. Academic Probation was 1.9, I JUST made it.  I knew something had to change.  I was losing roommates, and friends because of my attitude and I really didn’t care.  One day, when I couldn’t stand to be in my room another minute, I went into the study carrols to write in my journal, and as I was writing, I noticed that I couldn’t breathe.  I fell to the floor, crying so loud the people in the dorm next door came to see what was wrong.  I cried for 45 minutes, listening to Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”.

I picked myself up off the floor, walked back to my room and swore to myself I would never let someone hurt me like that again. 2 years later, during a road trip with a Soror of mine, we were talking about relationships and how they can change the course of your life.  I told her the story of my “Celine Dion Breakthrough.” She looked me straight to my face and said to me, “You know that was depression, right?” I actually said to her, “Black People don’t get depressed, We don’t have time.” But once we started talking about everything else that was going on with me at that time, I started to think that maybe she was right.

I went to the Student Center, and talked to someone about what had happened, and they confirmed that yes, I had been suffering from Depression.  So it had a name, that overwhelming feeling of nothingness.  The thought that all my actions are leading me to a place that doesn’t matter.  The need to just be in my bed, under the covers, watching every movie I own.  When you hear about Depression, you never hear about that part.  You see that ladies surrounded by boxes of tissue, with runny noses, eating ice cream. The face of Depression is usually a White one.

Today, I had a conversation with my mother about Depression, and her realization that it might be a family issue.  I’ve only been in the “Celine Dion” Place one other time, and that was when I first moved to AZ. My mother knew, I think she could tell.  Usually, when I get near to that place she’s the first person to see it now.  When I was at school, no one understood what the hell had caused me to change that much, and no one ever said to me, “Maybe you’re Depressed.” It wasn’t a thought.

Because Black women don’t deal with Depression.  We don’t acknowledge it.  We really don’t even know what it is.  It’s the been labeled, “Some other shit that I need to deal with,” or “I was just having an off week,” or “It’s too cold to leave the house,” or “I’ll just go to work tomorrow.” It’s hard to put a name to something you don’t understand, know how to acknowledge, or sometimes want to.

Depression is the festering sore that picks at the psyche of Beautiful Women, until they can’t take it anymore, and you get a phone call asking if you have heard from So & So in a week?  Depression is one traumatic event after another, pulling you into an abyss that you can’t navigate.  Depression is “I’m just not good enough,” & “Why won’t someone love me,” & “Why don’t people see/hear/listen to/understand me?” Depression is sleeping the whole day and finding yourself buried in 18 months worth of bills. Depression is struggling to face everyday at work without bursting into tears.  Depression is hiding in your closet listening to Purple Rain at 5 in the morning.

Depression is a battle that some of my friends are losing.  Because we DON”T talk about it. We don’t want anyone to see that we don’t have a handle on this problem.  We, as Black Women, have so MUCH stuff to deal with, that we don’t have time to take care of our mental health.  But if we don’t talk about it, we are going to continue to lose ourselves.  In bad choices, and bad relationships, and situations that put our health/life at risk.  We will continue to lose ourselves to drugs, and liquor, and sex, and cutting, and suicide attempts, and everything else that comes from holding the pain inside.

I’m not in a bad place.  I’m actually in a great place right now.  But there might be someone who needs to know they aren’t alone.  Who feels like they can’t make it one more day.  This is for you.  To let you know that you can make it, as long as you acknowledge that you are having a problem in the first place. You are not ALONE in your fight.  Find someone to talk to, even if it’s a stranger.  Figure out the ROOT of your issue, and if you don’t know how {because you don’t watch Oprah and Dr. Phil enough} ASK FOR HELP. It’s only a secret if you hide from it. Depression don’t HAVE to be the end, it can be the beginning.

Once you can acknowledge the issues . . . You can start working on Filling the Gap/Closing the Gap.

Words and Sounds of My Life: Vol. XI: After the Love Has Gone

Song Titles are Links to the MP3 (which you can actually listen to while you read)

After the Love has Gone [Earth Wind & Fire]

For awhile, To Love was all we could do
We were young and we knew,
and our eyes were alive.
Deep inside we knew our love was true . . .

Funny the things we hold on to, the relationships that mold you into the person you are.  The way that your attachment to another person begins to define how you see yourself.  When asked, Who Are You? . . . It made me ashamed to admit that, without incorporating Him in the picture, I didn’t know.

My confidence had become intertwined in our relationship.  In the knowledge, nay FAITH that, this one person in the world understood me.  That even if everyone else had turned their back on me and written me off , He, would be there.  He became my safety net, when things didn’t make sense, and I felt that I couldn’t find my way back to solid ground, He was always there to stabilize me.  My Knight in Shining Armor, My Best Friend, My Soulmate.

Somethin’ Happened along the way,
What used to be Happy is sad
Somethin’ happened along the way
and yesterday is all we had . . .

No Longer able to rest on the past, bringing it to the present . . .

Jill Scott – Whenever You’re Around

What happened to the wonderful thing that we had
It seems like you’re,  missing in action
And I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired

I don’t wanna lose this good {love}, But I ain’t scared
If I’m going to be the only one, participating in this

‘Cuz I’m Lonely, Whenever You’re Around . . .

The personification of every dream I had for myself for the past 10 years.  The things I never admitted to others, plus the things that You promised along the way.  Sitting around, feeling stupid for having put all this pressure on myself, and feeling less than every time a flaw was pointed out.  Being afraid to speak, for fear of anger or sarcastic put-downs. You aren’t the only one who did it, but it hurt so much more coming from you.

Still hadn’t recovered from the last person that I, admittedly, let tear me down, part by part. Confessing to the Loneliness that has plagued me since I made the move to AZ, and yet still hoping that one day, One Day, ONE DAY, you would remember that feeling. Remember what you SAID I was to You . . .

Pretty Wings – Maxwell

Oh, you played me dirty . . . . your game was so bad

You toyed with my affliction , Had to fill out my prescription

Found the remedy, I had to set you free.

Away from me  . . . . . . . . .
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me

Letting the wound heal, then going back to pick at the scab.  Trying to believe that only more of the injury would make it better.  While others drink and smoke and snort and shoot up, I, in my Infinite Intelligence,  Love You. Fully immersing myself in my personal drug of choice, until I have to quit Cold Turkey. Because it becomes too much, or not enough.  When the high that I am searching for no longer fills that space.  When that void becomes so cluttered by lies, half-truths, and other misunderstandings that I can’t control my reaction to it anymore.

ALWAYS giving up control, ALWAYS being there when You needed me, being angry when you wouldn’t do the same for me, yet not valuing MYSELF enough to know that I deserved more.  The Best Friend, the label I kept trying to give you when I could no longer use Love of My Life and still believe it.  Maybe that is why I couldn’t say Who I Am . . . because I was still waiting for a clear definition from You, that never came.

Purple Rain – Prince

I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It’s such a shame our friendship had to end.

Some content on this page was disabled on May 8, 2016 as a result of a DMCA takedown notice from PRS for Music. You can learn more about the DMCA here:


CSBF Volume 9: Confessions of a Side Chick/Searching For MySelf

Part 1: Confessions of a Side Chick . . .

Hello, My Name is M.J., and I too have slept with Tiger Woods. Okay, not really. But everyone else is saying it, I wanna be famous too!   I have said it before, and I will say it again . . . I have been a Side Chick. I have done it knowingly and even without knowing I had Side Chick status. Either way, I could quite easily wear a Side Chick Badge.

I am not telling you this because I am proud of it, nor am I sharing this part of my life because I am ashamed of it.  It’s a Fact.  My Side Chick status happened based on my own actions, and I can’t be mad forever at the situations I put myself in. As I am sitting here sipping my Eggnog Latte, I am thinking that there might be a few people who read this title and get Shaky Nervous ( . . . I’ll Never Teeeeeeeeeeellllllll)

The Side Chick serves a very important role in society. She lets other women know what NOT to do. The Side Chick is there for your man, when you aren’t. Plain and Simple. Yes, men have a hard time being monogamous, but Love Shoulda Brought Your Ass Home Last Night. Be mad if you want, that is the truth. The Side Chick didn’t Wreak Your Home . . . She just picked up the pieces and/or picked up the slack.

Again, I am not glorifying The Side Chick, because the Side Chick Mentality is a trifling one. The Side Chick sees something that belongs to someone else, and instead of trying to find her own, takes what doesn’t belong to her. The Side Chick is Lazy. Why do the work, if I can get the benefits for free? The Side Chick has all the benefits of why YOUR man is great, without the pressure to make him stay.

The Side Chick also knows what she is doing is wrong. (And if she doesn’t, she has much bigger issues than just being the Side Chick) But more often than not, The Side Chick really doesn’t care how her actions affect others. Obviously her goal is to satisfy herself, or she wouldn’t be The Side Chick in the first place. She knows about his girl, hell she might have met her on occasion. But in that situation, the Pro’s definitely outweigh the Cons.

The Side Chick Mentality: We don’t really have to have a conversation on the phone. Text Messaging works just fine. Crank that Textual Seduction during the work day, and end our convo with, “I’ll be over after I get out of my Meeting @ 10.” We can talk after we take care of business, and even then please don’t try to make it a deep conversation – I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE! Also, I’m not trying to go see a movie, look longingly into your eyes, and cry as we watch Precious together. Let’s both get off, then you can go home.

Part 2: Searching for Myself

That explanation about The Side Chick Mentality is there to give you a clue as to where my head has been for the last 2 years. Because I was a late bloomer (read ??Year Old Virgin) I really wasn’t trying to find a man. I was trying to get all the experience I should have gotten in and after college. I was trying to catch up to all the rest of my friends, and have stories to tell when we all go out for drinks.

So back to my discussion with TBTLINYC. As I am talking about all this, and how whenever I actually start to look for a relationship what I will and will not put up with, He said, “Shut Up and Play Your Role.” EPIPHANY!

My 1st Reaction: Who Bitch What?
My 2nd Reaction: Oh, Cuz Wow.He really made me think. The Side Chick is a role that I played, because it suited me for a long period of time. Because if I meet a single male, whatever happens could possibly develop into a relationship, thus ruining this whole no strings attached thing I have been actively pursuing for the last two years.On June 26, 2000 I stopped looking for my soul mate. I had found him. I lived in a bubble of love and understanding and someone who got me, FINALLY. Even when the bubble was initially burst, I just knew that wasn’t the end. We were meant for each other. So yes, I talked to other people, had bullshit relationships, patiently waiting for the time when he would figure out that we were meant for each other. He got MARRIED, still didn’t make me believe it was over.

Nine+ years later, now that he’s my best friend who gets me before I get myself, I can listen to him explain what I sometimes can’t put into words. I have been comparing every male that I’ve met to how I felt when I met him. Because he is honestly JUST LIKE ME. He is the male version of me. Loving him wasn’t hard, because I was just loving myself with an East Coast Accent. Loving him required no sacrifice, no changing of my opinion, no looking at the world in a different. Our Relationship is/was the equivalent of Emotional/Mental Masturbation

The only child in me had found the PERFECT relationship. Like Amber said, “Being {in a relationship} requires you to dig deep within yourself to step up emotionally and physically through low times & appreciate someone who AIN’T You!” I have been quite lackluster in my search for a mate, because I’m still not ready to do that. So until I can find Myself, I will be Perfectly Lonely/Single .

Will I continue to be a Side Chick? I don’t want to end up being a liar and say, “Never Again will I ever do that.” [ Because he didn’t get the title TGOMH for nothing] I will say, that my goals have changed. Also, all of my co-conspirators live 2096 miles away, so there is that. Let’s just say, there is a very good possibility that I won’t Play That Role anymore.

*Please Note: I am not trying to steal your man. This is a discussion of my past, not my current plans. Also, let’s not forget the man who has a Side Chick or 4 is an asshole.

Comments/Questions/Concerns/Rants Welcomed

The Epiphany of Touch

Right, we all know that Joy loves music. I mean, if you couldn’t tell my the ever changing catalog of ringback tones you hear when you all me, or the ever changing ringbacks on my phone, then you must be kinda slow, im just saying. And I am totally ok the knowing the lyrics to random obscure 80″s songs, or tv show theme songs, and singing the aforementioned random ass songs on the phone with Dominique at 3 in the morning. Seriously, I am SO okay with it.

But lately, music has really been a necessary element in distracted me fromt he bullshit that has become my job situation, as well as helping to soothe me after a serious confrontation. Or a let down in life. Or even helping me NOT to stalk those few people I am currently interested in.

As I continue to make decisions about what I want in life, and with whom I plan on spending my life/time with, I am amazed at how some songs can apply to every situation. From helping me (hopefully) give some good advice to a great new friend, to just changing the whole direction of my day once I get in my Car/House.

Yesterday was such an awesome day for me. Partially because i didn’t really have any drama at work, but really because I got so much done. I cleaned out my fridge, cleaned the kitchen, washed clothes, washed dishes, went grocery shopping and still had time to watch them crazy white bitches on the Hills. On top of all that, I created an event on FB (YAY SATC MOVIE PREMIERE), sent out a mass email about toys that I need for the Daycare, and caught up with people I hadn’t talked to in a while.

The constant through all of these tasks, MUSIC. I had my headphones in my ears the entire time I was home last night, until I went to bed. Something about having music, and not the BS radi playist that they just hit repeat on every half hour, but music you selected for yourself to guide your day/night is amazing to me. As I hand wrote this blog (yes, hand wrote while at work while the kids were sleeping because I had to get it out and I dind’t have my laptop handy) my headphones are in my ears.

I think the music takes me out of my head. You can only focus on one thing at a time. When Is She The Reason is playing, you have 4:4 to figure out if he is cheating, and if so, then who with. After that 4:34 is over, you have to let that shit go, and move on to something new. When listening to GB (Gnarls Barkley for the uninitiated) is playing, you have probably 3 minutes max to get your shit together. But again, due to the lyrical content of GB’s music, you really only need at 3:07 that is take to listen to A Little Bit Better.

And we all need some Jesus in our lives sometimes. Karen and Kiki Sheard STAY in constant rotation on the phone. In fact, today, after I wrote this blog, and the day became let’s tell Joy how much we hate her in front of all the staff, all i had to do with get in the car, pop in The Heavens or Telling by KCS, and everything was right with my spirit.

Even if you are having some ummmmmmmm physical issues, you can crank that Epiphany by Jill Scott and relive the glory day(s).

Music has been such a guiding force in like life, for ALL of my life. I mean my mom used to work for Motown, how could it not. But lately, sometimes i just sit on my back porch (How awesome is it to say I have one of those) with my headphones, my laptop, and a Coke, and just write based on the songs that show up on shuffle. Maybe it’s because I can’t sing like I used to, but listening to music has really been the only thing that keeps me sane at this point.

Just being I can’t sing my heart out anymore, doesn’t mean that the song’s aren’t still down in there. Because everyday, Marisa Joy Williams, my favorite DJ, changes and saves my life

My Funny Valentine/New Shoes

This is really like 3 blogs in one, and it has the potential to be kinda long, but we are just going to go with the flow, and let whatever comes out help me release all this pent-up energy.

First Subject: Love/Relationships

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.  And once again, I don’t have one.  But after a very interesting conversation, followed by on the phone discussion of the situation, I realized I still have some shit that I have to get over, in order to move on.  I, of course want someone that I can’t have.  Actually at this point, I don’t even know if I can’t have them, but this want, that has been here for so long, seems to be grabbing hold of me again.  I have cycles, and usually they go away.  And maybe today is just the crescendo of the cycle or the top of the bell curve if you want to be intelligent.

Love – this kind of love – when you are often in love alone, can tear you apart, shatter your whole world, or complete you.  The problem I am having is that now I really don’t know what I feel anymore.  Friendship, mixed with a sprinkling of good ole’ lust, and some love thrown in there for good measure.  Wanting the best for someone, and understanding that you aren’t it . . . But still hoping that some kinda way you are . . . and knowing that even if you aren’t the one, you will always have a certain spot in their heart that no one else can touch.  To see someone hurting, because of their situation, and just wanting to fix it, and make everything better.

Judging them, even as you secretly hate them for the way they have treated you in the past.  All this stuff is going on in my head, about once a month as this point.  It’s more regular than my period, for real.  But at the end of the day, knowing that you spent a ridiculous amount of money to send a handmade Valentine’s Day Card First Class mail, because you just had to let them know how you really feel.  Oh what a tangled web we seem to weave . . .

And on the other hand, someone tangible, right in my face.  What wants me, wants me so bad that he has to bring it up every time I see him.  That uses the word passion on a regular basis to describe how he feels about me, what he sees in my eyes, waiting to be tapped.  Someone who cares about my well being, and wants to make me feel beautiful, but can’t quite satisfy the part of me that needs to feel special.  The part of me that needs to know that you LOVE me, not lust for me, because, to me . . . one has nothing to do with the other.

Lust is fleeting, and I don’t have time for the temporary.  I NEED, WANT, and DESERVE a little bit of consistency in my life.  With all the upheaval, job wise, friend wise, life wise, family wise, I need someone that will just hold me when I need to be held.  It’s like fighting with myself, CONSTANTLY, knowing that I need to be able to give myself to another person, but not trusting them enough to give in.  For at least a year, this person has wanted me, and at times made me uncomfortable with his demands, because I am just not ready.  And then, sometimes I feel like maybe I am, but I am holding on to that hope again, that maybe The One will figure out that I have been waiting for them all this time.

I gave up on Love.  I gave up on Feelings.  But they seem to be really coming to a head today, this day before we celebrate the Day of Love, which is really based on honoring Death. . . How backwards is that?  (I am starting to believe this is going to be a stream of consciousness blog, yah dig)

Second Subject: New Shoes

How long have you held on to a pair of shoes? Had them on your feet, kept them right by the door, because you could just slip your feet right into them, and just run out.  I bought new shoes today.  Just walked in the store, and bought 2 pair, of non-white gym shoes.  Now, on the purely superficial side of myself, my old shoes were looking just a lil bit crusty.  Add to the fact that I had had them since college, yeah, I needed some new shoes.  But more than that, that was just another comfort zone, another blankie that I needed to let go of.  I need to step into a new pair of shoes, allow myself to walk a different path, not be afraid to step out there, and get my feet wet, if you will.

I finally got a Job today.  It only took 14 months.  God I hate Michigan.  I FINALLY filled out some tax forms, and a direct deposit slip, and all the information.  Got the fingerprints (with Ink and er’thing) presented all my tests, and my clearances, and got a start date.  Maybe it was time, maybe it was luck, I don’t know.  All I know is that this Job, it’s going to change some things.  Not just my plans, but my relevance.  I have worked with children almost forever, and to finally be able to take everything that I have learned, and apply it to a classroom where it will be looked at with open curiosity, and maybe even approval and research is AWESOME!  I am really excited about this next part of my life, because I have a feeling that I am going to be walking in lots of different paths, me and my new shoes

Final Subject: Stupid, Attention Seeking, Dumb Ass People

So yeah, a lot of you have seen me type FTHE on random walls, and Discussion Boards, etc.  While I am not going to tell you exactly what it means, it’s about to become the thing that I say when I notice stupidity.  When I was asked what my biggest pet peeve was today, my answer, Stupid People.  It’s not all about you: you, really, in the grand scheme are worth nothing, especially if you aren’t going to represent something positive in this world.  And ALOT of people that I seem to be running into lately aren’t doing anything positive.

I don’t care if you have the mad photo-shopping skills; if you are a Big Fat Liar . . . I don’t care if you can sing your ass off, if you have a foul ass attitude. .. If I am really going to keep it real, no one likes you.  Being a bitch might get people to the top, but when they get there, someone is waiting right there with a knife, gun, and ax . . . to stab them in the back, shoot them in the foot, and chop them right back down where they belong.  My Nana always said, “You get more flies with Honey than you do with Shit.” Old people know what the hell they are talking about.  There have been ALOT of Shit Fly’s roaming around in my peripheral vision lately, and I’m finna get the worlds largest Fly Swatter and beat them bitches back.

People need to learn humility, and humbleness.  It will take you so much further than knowing everything.  God has truly humbled me in the last 2 years.  I didn’t know I needed that much humbling, and I wish that I hadn’t needed that much, because believe me folks, I have suffered. Poverty, Self-Doubt, Racism, betrayal, and that’s just the stuff that I can tell you about.  And while all this is going on, I have just kept saying it’s all for a reason, there is a reason for this, there has to be.  But it wasn’t until I got off my ass, and started being pro-active, and humbling myself enough to ask people for help, and to help others even when I couldn’t really afford it, that things have started to click, and come together.

I am done now, but I hope that whoever has read this got something out of it, even if it made you think you know a lil bit more about my secrets . . . you don’t though

Forget Me Not

My thoughts started racing at about 4:00 pm on Thursday, bouncing back and forth from indignation, bitterness, sadness, fear, anger and finally – disappointment.  And not your average disappointment.  No, this was the kind that all of a sudden takes over your whole being, and renders you emotionless.  To the point that even a smile or subtle grin is obviously in vain, and tears come at the most in inoppurtune moments.  The kind of disappointment that renders you speechless, and makes every word that you hear a painful reminder of those words you said, and I stupidly believed once again.

Of everything around me
I smile
But I don’t feel a thing no

I’m so far from where I need to be
I’ve given up on faith, on everything
All I want, all I need
Is some peace

There’s a hole
Inside of me
It’s so cold
Slowly killing me

Eating at the core of me
Shut off
Trusting all the lies I breathe

Sinking ever so slowly
So far from where I should be
No hands reaching out for me
Help me, help me

Something’s gone
I can feel it
It’s all wrong
I’m so sick of this
Hole – Kelly Clarkson

At this point, this is how I feel right now.  How I felt in that brief second that I realized that once again, everyone was right about you.  That your words were just as empty as they always have been.  But the good thing is, the fucking great thing is, that these next statements have been made totally without emotion.  Without a subtle longing that you read between the lines or see a hidden meaning.  Because I say this cleary and with certainty:

Forget Not

>The 11:28pm phone call when you were distraght
>The 8am to 12pm Phone Calls everyday
>The additional Lines
>My un-wavering support, commitment, and faith in you.

Forget Me

@Having your back when not even your family did
@Making offers to you that you would never have gotten from anyone else
@Sitting in the same fucking apartment 2 years ago having these same feelings
@Sitting on this same flight with tears falling down my face

Forget Those People

*Who befriend you because of me
*Who supported you because they know me
*Who I won’t even tell about my trip to NYC
*Who won’t ever read this blog

Forget Not

Everything that I have written to and about you
My love for you, that at times has turned me into a sadly loyal puppy
The day you read this, and know that I meant what I said on Tuesday

But of all the things for you not to forget, Don’t forget these words . . .

You are my only regret
My one and only disappointment
The one time in my life, I will forever wish did not exist


All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I got accustomed to,

Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,

I knew I hadn’t met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached,

It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

I don’t understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there’s so many better things at hand,

We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,

Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon,

I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,

So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it’s OK, In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own. . .
My Tears Dry on Their Own – Amy Winehouse

Definition of Self

Often times, we begin to define ourselves by those who surround us.  You start to look at yourself as others see you, good or bad.  Sometimes, your concept of yourself gets lost in those definitions.  When all You really want to do, is live your life based on your thoughts, your fears, your happy times.  So how do I define my life . . .

~As the place where watching TV for 12 hours straight isn’t being a fat ass, it’s a time to bond with your sister

~As the friend that is often times in the middle of a feud, or a misunderstanding, who just wants everyone to get along

~ As a straight girl, who just so happens to have a girl crush on Tha AO

~ As a straight girl, whose most fun friends happen to be gay, or they just love the Gays

~ As a black girl, who just this weekend realized that 20 miles outside of home, you can still be treated like shit, ignored, and looked at as a second class citizen

~ As a black girl, who likes a black boy, who is in denial of who and what he really is

~ As a fat girl, who finally is comfortable enough in her own skin, to wear her hair in a fro, with some ghetto hoops and a hoodie, and feel beautiful

~ As a fat girl, who can order food at a Pool Hall, and ask for a carry out with pride, because I didn’t eat like a fat girl

~ As Joy, searching for understanding in everyone and everything and not getting it.

Trying to get back to the basics is easier said than done.  I don’t want to get back to basics, I want to get down to the heart of the matter.  To not trying to be deep, or trying to be a grown up, or trying to read into everything you see or hear.  I want to be defined not by others, but by my actions.  By what I stand for, and who I have helped, and what I have been through in my life.

I love my friends, all of them, and I hope they love me.  Every friendship comes in cycles, the best ones cycle around once a year, so that the drama doesn’t last for long.  Every person is put in your life for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime.  But my peeps, they will be there.  Either in mind, body or spirit.  And I hope, when they think about their definitions, I am in their explainations as well.

Christina Aguilera knows my Heart

Okay, It seems like I am so on X-Tina’s Balls right now, but you gotta love an album that can make you cry, and think about the shit you did in your life.  So good or bad, beating a dead horse or not, I have to write out these lyrics.

It’s my love/hate song to him, my apology, my mea culpa, my acknowledgement even, that I wasn’t innocent in this situation.  And it was my actions, in the beginning, that caused the riff.  I guess I hadn’t been through enough to understand that once you are in certain situations, your life is going to change.  And it hurt that I wasn’t part of that change . . .

Hurt – Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday, when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew, what I know today . . .

I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done, forgive all your mistakes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do, to hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won’t be there

I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything, I just couldn’t do
and I’ve hurt myself, by hating you . . . (Personal Edit, hurt for hate)

Somedays I feel broke inside, but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide, cuz it’s you I miss
and it’s so hard to say goodbye, when it comes to this . . .

Would you tell I was wrong, would you help me understand
Are you looking down upon me, are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do, to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes, and see you looking back.

I’m sorry for blaming you
for everthing, I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself . . .

If I had just one more day,
I would tell you how much that I miss you since you went away
It’s dangerous to try and turn back time

I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself, by hating you . . .

See I told you before, that DEAL!!!!!

I guess it’s over now, huh . . . .