Tag Archive | The Triad

The Story of My Life . . . or Holy Shyt! I’m 32

*Editor’s Note: I started this blog in January.  Actually finished it, then never published it.  I know why now.*

Every year, I TRY to post a blog about what I’ve learned over that previous year.  With my Birthday being so close to the New Year, it’s usually just my yearly recap as well.  This time, I’m going to do it a little bit differently.  After another one of my “I haven’t gotten any sleep in the last 48 hours” Epiphanies, I realized that I can actually pinpoint the times my life took a direction I wasn’t expecting.  The first 17 years of my life aren’t going to be discussed here . . . mostly because I’m lazy.

All Denim Outfit . . .No One Loved me.

All Denim Outfit . . .No One Loved me.

The University of Dayton

No, we start with my first step into adulthood.  The moment I decided I was GROWN! I stood at the West Bloomfield post office, mailed that acceptance letter, and that was all she wrote! I was going to be the female Bill Gates, and change the world of computers.  *Mind you, I didn’t visit the school, didn’t know what it looked like, they just gave me the most money. So they won.* But I MUST admit, best decision I’ve ever made. The friends I made there, the people I met, the experiences I had . . . wouldn’t have had it any other way.  University of Dayton lead me to Zeta, and my Degree in Education (more on that later), my closest friends, love, hurt, fear, anger, and most importantly – Understanding of Myself.  On May 3, 2003, I graduated knowing EXACTLY who I wanted to be.

13 Years Ago . . .

14 Years Ago . . .

Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.

It SHOULD be common knowledge that Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. is the Greatest Sorority in the Nation.  But if you didn’t know, now you know, sucka! I joined ZPhiB because I wanted to be the kind of woman ZPhiB represented.  What I didn’t expect, could have never imagined, was the Family.  The Women I call Sister, not just Soror. The two women who grew up right beside me.  Who dealt with my Sophomore Year Depression, who dried my tears, and had numerous sleepovers with me.  The Women who taught me how to create a Programme, and put on a Dove Ball, and STEP.

Ryders of the Storm

Ryders of the Storm

Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc.

Even more unexpected (and judge this next statement if you want) The Men I Call Brother. R.O.T.S changed my life. Not just because LeRoy was the scariest dude I had ever met in my life, but because they PROTECTED us.  From Greek Life Bullshit, and everyday Bullshit.  They knew how Naive we were, and they shielded us from so much more than we ever knew.  The Blu Bond is so sacred to me, and is still very much prevalent in my life. What I’ve learned, and cherished the most in these 14 years, is that Family can come out of nowhere.  These 3 Men, will forever be referred to as my Brothers, not my Frat.

2nd Best Kitchen I've Ever Had

2nd Best Kitchen I’ve Ever Had

My First Apartment

Having my own place was so freeing! I FINALLY had my own space.  I didn’t have to fear my mom randomly knocking on my door. You mean I can have HOUSE PARTIES. Kait and I entered in that adventure with the best of intentions.  We were going to be the only Best Friends that moved in together and didn’t hate each other.  The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions… The loss of that Friendship shook me to my core.  Not because I had known her forever, or because it was unexpected. But I saw that for the first time Money and Friends should NEVER mix.  We weren’t fighting over anything emotional, it was about her breaking her lease. *To move in with the man she eventually married but still…* Add to that, I spent 3 months without a JOB! As my support system from age 13 to 24 was leaving me high and dry rent wise, I had no idea what I was going to do.  Moving home wasn’t an option. So I began to hustle.  I had 3 part time jobs, 2 that were under the table (gotta collect that unemployment), and I babysat whenever I could.  I learned then, I’ll never be unemployed.  Because the Hustle is STRONG within me. I worked my way out of that rut, got a porn star roommate – no really, she did Porn – and Lived It The Fcuk Up.

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

The Triad

Words can’t even . . . The Triad is the Polyamorous Relationship everyone wish they had.  These two Women showed me what Friendship is supposed to be.  No Judgements, No Fear, No Regrets.  You live your life, you learn from the pain, and You Move On.  Diamond and Aaliyah were my anchors in the storm that was my early to mid 20’s. We Drank, (they) Smoked, and we Loved HARD. The nights/weekends/days we spent laying on someone’s floor crying and bitching about Men and Women! The Ex’s that we still talk to, the tradition of emailing each other all day, the Wearing White in public the day after Labor Day.

The children, and road-trips, and music that happened from 2005-2007. I don’t even talk to them every month. Doesn’t matter, the minute we are on the phone it’s like nothing has ever changed.  I’m my true self with them.  Not the woman I wanted to be post Graduation, but somehow better. Nothing seemed out of reach, everything was a great idea.  If later I found out it wasn’t, didn’t matter. We Laugh/Drink/Cry about, and Move The Fuck On.

To See a Mountain is to See God

To See a Mountain is to See God

Moving to AZ

And I did . . .right to Arizona.  With intentions of going back to school, and getting my teaching certification.  I was gonna fix my relationship with my Dad, so I could finally get rid of those Daddy Issues, and find love . . . Arizona started out as a peaceful place to me.   Instead of teaching children, I found a job teaching Teachers how to teach Children. I found my professional voice in AZ. In Michigan, I’m surrounded by family and friends who discount my knowledge of children because I don’t have any of my own. In Arizona, people assumed I was an expert. Took a little while to realize I actually kind of am. My love for children was confirmed there.  My life path was made certain.  Arizona was everything I didn’t know I wanted.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I thought I had also found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.


The Mexican

me and eric

Loving you is the best thing that ever happened to me.  It’s also the worst.  You changed me, turned me into a person I didn’t even know I could be, or wanted to be.  The last thing you said to me, in anger, was “You are just a faint memory. I’ve almost forgotten you existed.”  Even with that much hate in your voice, I remembered when it was beautiful.  When the love I saw in your eyes made every day worth living.  If I never see your face, and never hear your voice again, I Loved You.   In a way I had only read about in romance novels and Donny Hathaway songs.  For everything losing you took away, it gave me twice as much.  So for that, I saw Thank You. For showing me who my true friends are, and because you helped me stop hiding behind my weight. You were Loved Sir.

When I think of Home

My Mommy and Me

My Mommy and Me

I left AZ because I was devastated and I couldn’t be there.  Up until the point, the House I Bought was the Reason He Wasn’t There. Everything about my house reminded me of a loss I still can’t began to describe.  Emotionally, I was a 17 year old girl who had lost her 1st Love. I needed my Mommy.  I’m okay with admitting that.  I needed a break from those last 18 months.  My Mother Saved Me. I’m just glad I was Woman enough to admit I needed to be Saved. What I didn’t know is that I had been in a Domestic Violence relationship, and I needed to understand and forgive myself for letting it happen in the first place.

The Job I got once I moved back to Michigan healed me. I took the job thinking it would be just another opportunity to help children.  I was part of a team that worked everyday to save lives.  We worded to heal people who have been hurt/violated by people they love. We educate women (and men) about Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault.  My clients, these brave and frustrating women taught me so much about how Trauma follows you your whole life if you don’t address it. My job taught me Accountability.  Owning up to the choices I’ve made in my life and their impact on me and others. My co-workers brought back my happy. In the completely emotionally damaged world we work, I smiled more than I cried. I looked forward to seeing them, and hopefully they felt the same about me.  We are a Strange Group of People, those of us who choose to do Social work, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have to take a second to shoutout TIITC.  Never shall he be named, but he helped me realize that not all men are assholes.  He found me beautiful at my ugliest, and he let me cry on his couch when my Nephew died.  I wouldn’t have made it without him.  Thanks TIITC, you are loved as well 🙂

Finally, MJ has come BACK to 3013!

Finally, MJ has come BACK to 3013!

Which leads me back . . . to Arizona. Somewhere in the 4 years I lived there, it became Home.  I felt displaced in Michigan. I didn’t have my own space, I couldn’t live the life I wanted there.  I now crave warm weather, and mountains. I want two dogs in my backyard and Sundays at Mt. Lemmon.  I want Holiday dinners at 4 different houses with at least 3 different cultures represented.  I want to be called Aunt Marisa and ‘ARisa and Mz. Joy by children playing in my front yard. It’s time for me to stop licking healed wounds.  I’m finally stronger than that Pain. I leave you with an Eminem Lyric that perfectly illustrates my current mindset…

 But you won’t break me, You’ll just make me,

Stronger than I was, Before I met you

 I bet you I’ll be just fine without you

And if I stumble, I won’t crumble

I’ll get back up and I….

And I’mma still be humble, When I scream fuck you

Cause I’m stronger than I was – Marshall Mathers


Picture it: Ohio, Summer of 2006 or . . . The Good Ole’ Days

Best Album of 2006

When this album came out, my life changed.  I don’t mean that in the metaphorical sense.  I mean my entire life changed.  I had just recently moved out of my mother’s house, and into my first apartment that wasn’t paid for my Sallie Mae.  I was living in a beautiful apartment, and I was losing a best friend.  The Summer of 2006 taught me what kind of person I should be, and who in my life was important.

The first time I heard this song I thought, “Well, that’s a new sound for Cee-Lo.” Then all of a sudden it was EVERYWHERE! Every commercial about a new product, every reality tv show, every radio station (white or black.) It was like the second of Christ for some people when they heard this song.  But the reason this album still means so much to me is the memories this song represents.  The moments where everyone told me I was being irresponsible with my time, and it didn’t seem to phase me. A time in my life where my biggest worry was working 4-9hour shifts at work so I could take half of friday off and drive to Dayton and/or Columbus.

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

I used to be (and kinda still am) the epitome of Living Paycheck To Paycheck.  I traveled every two weeks, on a Friday that’s I got paid.  I would spend about $300 in one weekend, then come back and take care of bills.  But it was worth it!  Keep in mind, this was before Facebook, (yes I’m that old) and all we had was MySpace. I wrote blogs everyday, and we sent emails during the work day to plan out our weekends of debauchery. For a while, it’s was just traveling the state of Ohio to attended various Pride events.  The real fun began during the 4th of July Weekend.

Please Notice the AMOUNT of liquor on the Entertainment Center

Please Notice the AMOUNT of 

liquor on the Entertainment Center

The Summer of 2006 is the last time I drank on a daily basis.  The amount of money we all spent on liquor and food was just . . . Thank God my Uncle was having his annual invite everyone you know BBQ.  So we ate for free that weekend . . . more $ for Liquor! When we weren’t having random photo shoots, we were walking around malls harassing strangers.  And the whole time, St. Elsewhere was playing in the background.

This is not to say there weren’t some dark times that Summer. There was that one time when this chick tried to kill herself and we had to call the cops to go find her. And in that same weekend, we all decided to get “Frivolous White Girl Tattoos.” That summer a marriage ended, and my roommate moved out leaving me alone with a $849 a month rent (because she was in love with her boyfriend). *it should be noted my former roommate is now happily married to this man*

Blogging about how much fun we were having . . .

Blogging about how much fun we were having . . .

The ups and downs of Summer 2006 are why I love thinking about that summer, because everyday brought something different. I think I wrote like 12 blogs a month.  I was in a place where everything meant something.  Every experience meant something life changing.  I was so damn EMO that Summer.  This was the first time I had to worry about money, and having enough of it.  I didn’t have my mom to borrow money from every other day. 

I <3 Cuz she cooks for me!

I ❤ Her cuz she cooks for me!

How can you hear that song and NOT want to make new friends in public.  While dressed provocatively. And slightly drunk.  I mean really. The majority of the Summer of 2006 . . . was FUN.  I mean like crying laughing type of fun.  For every tear shed in sadness, there were 1000’s shed while rolling around laughing on the floor.   It’s the summer I met The Girl, and she made me the greatest fried Chicken I’ve ever had. She is the reason (while 100% sober) I wrote this little song:

Ode to Chicken

(To the Tune of Ode To Joy)

Chicken, Chicken, It’s Delicious
Love to eat it everyday!
Chicken, Cook it, Fry It, Love It,
Chicken, eat it Everyday!

Chicken, Chicken, I love Chicken
Chicken, it’s been good to me . . .
Chicken, Chicken, Finger Lickin’
Chicken brings me Ecstasy!

You don’t know you are happy until you look back at it.  But MAN, I was so happy that summer.  I did what I wanted to do, without fear of what people would think of me.  In my mind, my actions didn’t effect anyone but me.  There was no such thing as a repercussion.  That’s the summer I learned that Love has not age limit or sexual orientation.  It’s just love. The usual end of Summer is celebrated Labor Day Weekend. And Celebrate it we did! The Blog Title for that weekend: Liquor, A Smelly Cat, 2 Bathroom Orgys, a Spanish Serenade, and  A Gay Chicken. *please click that, it’s worth the read*

I don't even remember TAKING this picture

I don’t even remember TAKING this picture

The most enduring part of Summer 2006. . . The memories I didn’t get a chance to write about, because I was having too much fun.  It’s the songs we sang at the top of our lungs while driving up & down the highway. It’s the outfits we coordinated the day after labor day, because they were all white, and we don’t give a damn about your rules.  It’s the fact that every picture we took that summer had us in the same order. It’s every mile we put on my leased car.  It’s every bottle of liquor we finished, that ended in laughter and merriment. . . And strangely, the Blog I wrote as a tribute to the people who made it so great still stands!

Shout-out to The Girl: For  making me get off my ass and go to arts and crafts.  For being such an incredible person, a loving person, and the Ambassador of Let’s Make it All okay.  People like her make it a better place in this world, so shout outs to you, for making an emotional breakdown not last as long as it could have . . .

Shout-outs to Aaliyah: Who refuses to back down, who lives her life the way she wants to, regardless. To love, in it’s many shapes and forms, in old pictures, and drunken almost fights, and passing out in Paris, and other random shit, to happiness.  To a love that will never die, even if we are separated for like 3 years cuz of stupid girls, you will forever be my little sister, and it will always be my right, do tell you what i think is best for you, lol. . .

Shou-tout to the Word FUCK: To being able to use it and express pure emotion, to making it work in any situation, to being able to yell it in a car, and make someone listen to the words you are trying to say to them . . .

Shout-out to Diamond: To giving the Best Damn Hugs EVER, even though they weren’t appreciated the way they should have been.  To knowing that things change, and people change, but fuck anyone else that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.  To hoping that she finds her happy place, inside her self, and to hoping that she knows that regardless of everything else that happened, will happen, or is happening right now, she will always be my wife . . .

When was the last time you danced?

Introducing the Triad – Aaliyah

It took me a while to write this, becuz I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase how I feel about her.  She inspires me to be a better person.  To be more conscious of the world around me, and what being a member of that world truly means.

She’s one of those really deep people, you know.  Like understands the underground movements of the world, and i truly knows herself.  One thing I must say about her, is there was never a time when i thought, that child is so confused.  There were times when i thought she was crazy, but never confused, lol.

But in this rather short blog, I must say this, I love her.  I am so glad that MySpace brought us back together.  With all the drama, and love, and tears, I am glad i have her back.  And i hope she never leaves!

I’m talking about Ms. Asadi, future revolutionary, and my lil’ sis.  From the day I adopted her on UD’s campus, my life has been more interesting, fun, and different!  I love you Lil’ Sis.  Never Change, and remain UnBreakable!

Introducing the Triad – Diamond

Ever thought about what true love is.  You should think about it.  True love doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex with that person.  To me, true love is knowing that at 3:33 in the morning, you can call a person, and they will be there.  Doesn’t matter if you are crying over a dude, or happy about a dude, or just want to hear that person’s voice.

True Love is calling me at 4:30 in the afternoon, and leaving me a voice mail that says, “Have you ever farted so much in your own car that you had the roll down your windows?!?”  That is truee love to me.  True Love is driving 209 miles to stay just OVERNIGHT, so that you can introduce someone to the current man in your life.  True Love is also having the current man in your life get interrogated 10 minutes into the 1st meeting.  True love is threatening to drive 209 miles after the current man in your life acts stupid.

True Love is my Ex-Wife!  I love her! No I am not a Lesbian, we broke up cuz i wanted to have sex with men, and she wasn’t havin’ it!  But I got off with Alimony, and all I have to do is drive to Dayton occasionally.

My Tru Love is prolly reading this and saying, This Bitch is crazy!  But I know she is gonna cry in like 15 minutes.  I just had to put it all out how much I love her, so that the world will know!

Roadtrippin’ The Light Fantastic

So this weekend was the fuckin’ deal!  Everyone, including myself told me that the worst thing to do, would be to go out of town, in my car, with it’s 12,000 miles that are over the limit.  But seriously, who is being responsible, who’s doing that?  And just getting on the road was a hassle.  I didn’t leave Mich til like 2, then I took a detour, because I thought I was gonna be a smart ass, and ended up losing a good 45 minutes.  Didn’t get to the CO until like 6:00, and PROMPTLY got into bed.  Gotta love a field trip that lands you right in bed for a nap as soon as you get there! Fuckin’ Awesome!

Psuedo nap, trip to Mom’s house (that would be Aaliyah’s Mom) in pajamas, when Liyah was in Mexican Hooker Shoes, and me and The Girl looked like some damn rejects.  Kicked it with Noma and Maya, and Maya gave me a hug . . . Next time she might even say hi.  I am working my way up on her totem poll yall, shoooooooot!

Went back to the crib, to get ready for what I can only describe as a Night in NYC, but in the CO!  BOMA is my new favorite place. You would think, that Detroit would have thought to take an Old Chuch, convert it into a Modern Art Museum, then turn that into a club, but NOOOOOOOOOO.  Detroit is feeeehckin’ stoopid.  Anyway, had waaaaaaay too much fun at the club, saw some dudes jittin’ (if you aren’t from the D, you don’t know) saw some quality ole’ school break dancin’, had me a couple drinks!  It was an AWESOME Night.

Played Taboo, and sucked at it.  But you gotta love playing Taboo with 7 other moderately intoxicated people, and still kickin’ ass because the boys SUCKED at describin stuff.  Except Dante, but he wasn’t really playin, lol.  Went to bed, woke up, and then proceeded to not do ANYTHING at all for the next like 8 hours.  Had a fat girl meal of Stoffers Mac and Cheese and Popeyes Chicken, and then thought it would be a great idea to get in the car and drive to Cinci, because I wanted to see Shea.

Such a smart decision, I love random ass road trips.  Kicked it for about an hour, then me and Shea were like, Chalk it, and then went to sleep.  I drove an hour and a half to talk to Shea for like 3, when we could have just done it on the phone like we always do.  But where is the fun in that.  Tried really hard to leave Cinci at like 1, so i could be home to take care of some business, but stopped in Dayton instead.

It was a good idea though.  Got the Bomb ass Sugar Cookies from Pop’s (that would be Diamond’s Dad) repaired the break with the wife, saw my BFF, with that crazy hair, but still lookin’ like a million bucks. Didn’t even pretend to get on the road until like 4.  Then, went the wrong damn way on 675, went like 40 minutes out of my way, then had to stop and get food and gas.  By the time I got on the road like I was for real gonna go home, it was like 5pm.

Then, because I was just ass tired of listenin’ to the same music, I thought, hey, I should stop at that Sam’s Club, and buy some CD’s.  Except it was Lima, and the only CD they had was Dreamgirls, which I was supposed to burn from The Girl, but I forgot.  So I proceeded to sit in my car, and learn every damn song.  But the stop in Lima took a good 30mins, and on top fo that I was talking to Don Q, and trying to figure out if i wanted more than Dreamgirls.

Then I realized that I should have gotten the 2 disc collectors edition, because the one disc is really just like a highlight reel.  Feeeeehck, so I had to go get that one too.  You would think I had a job or something.

I bought the book I been lookin’ for for about 1 month, and Sleepers on DVD.  Happy Christmas to me!  So I am writing this blog, listening to Dreamgirls, and feeling happy for the first time in a long time.  Even though I have been stressed for like the whole weekend about finding a car.

As SOOOOOOON as I walked in the house, my phone rang.  The guy who has the car that I actually want, is gonna sell it to me, and he is going to let me pay for it the way that I want to.

So I had to leave, so that I could come back to the house in a great mood, and pick up the phone, and tell him I want the car.  So this play by play was posted to say this . . . Shoutout’s to the people that made my weekend Fuckin’ Awesome . . .

Aaron: For the fuckin’ awesome slide show, and the X-Men DVD, which I am holding hostage, until you come up here for New Years! (And for helping me get Cat Herpes too!)

Aaliyah: For just being you!

Amber: For being The Girl, GOT DAMN I LOVE YOU!

Asadi: For being the best Lil’ Brother to my Lil’ Sister, and making me laugh with your drunken revelations!

Rza: For being Feeeehckin’ Awesome, and getting your hair braided while biting a comb.

Shea: For your ever so strong faith, that got me a car.  You just had to say the words!

The Wife: For being The Wife, and keepin’ it real about what is really going on! I love you just for that, and for scammin’ the lemon cookies from Pops!

Damn, I love Ohio!

Definition of Self

Often times, we begin to define ourselves by those who surround us.  You start to look at yourself as others see you, good or bad.  Sometimes, your concept of yourself gets lost in those definitions.  When all You really want to do, is live your life based on your thoughts, your fears, your happy times.  So how do I define my life . . .

~As the place where watching TV for 12 hours straight isn’t being a fat ass, it’s a time to bond with your sister

~As the friend that is often times in the middle of a feud, or a misunderstanding, who just wants everyone to get along

~ As a straight girl, who just so happens to have a girl crush on Tha AO

~ As a straight girl, whose most fun friends happen to be gay, or they just love the Gays

~ As a black girl, who just this weekend realized that 20 miles outside of home, you can still be treated like shit, ignored, and looked at as a second class citizen

~ As a black girl, who likes a black boy, who is in denial of who and what he really is

~ As a fat girl, who finally is comfortable enough in her own skin, to wear her hair in a fro, with some ghetto hoops and a hoodie, and feel beautiful

~ As a fat girl, who can order food at a Pool Hall, and ask for a carry out with pride, because I didn’t eat like a fat girl

~ As Joy, searching for understanding in everyone and everything and not getting it.

Trying to get back to the basics is easier said than done.  I don’t want to get back to basics, I want to get down to the heart of the matter.  To not trying to be deep, or trying to be a grown up, or trying to read into everything you see or hear.  I want to be defined not by others, but by my actions.  By what I stand for, and who I have helped, and what I have been through in my life.

I love my friends, all of them, and I hope they love me.  Every friendship comes in cycles, the best ones cycle around once a year, so that the drama doesn’t last for long.  Every person is put in your life for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime.  But my peeps, they will be there.  Either in mind, body or spirit.  And I hope, when they think about their definitions, I am in their explainations as well.

A Myriad of Shout-Outs

The Format of the Blog, it’s color coded.  Red for Bad, Blue for Good, Purple for people, and Green for a Life Lesson, hope you enjoy . . .

Shoutout to The Girl: For seeing me laying on the bed, crying like my momma had just died, and instead of pitying me, making me get off my ass and go to arts and crafts.  For being such an incredible person, a loving person, and not only the Ambassodor of the Cool New People, but the Ambassodor of Let’s Make it All okay.  People like Africa make it a better place in this world, so shout outs to you, for making an emotional breakdown not last as long as it could have . . .

Shoutouts to the Columbus Family Fun Day: For allowing me to simply be happy, and not be stressed about my life situation.  For showing me that wherever I go, I am first and foremost a teacher, and no one can take that away from me, not even me or outside people.  To the 2 lil’ white girls, who wanted to learn how to make a God’s Eye, because they saw someone doing something different at the craft table.  To being in the middle of a park, teaching something new to some kids, that hopefully will stay with them for a while . . .

Shoutouts to Aaliyah: Who refuses to back down, who lives her life the way she wants to, regardless. To having a significant other, whether you want to admit it or not.  To having that significant person care enough about you to worry, even if they don’t tell you they worry.  To love, in it’s many shapes and forms, in old pictures, and drunken almost fights, and passing out in Paris, and other random shit, to happiness.  To a love that will never die, even if we are separated for like 3 years cuz of stupid girls, you will forever be my little sister, and it will always be my right, do tell you what i think is best for you, lol. . .

Shoutouts of Aaliyah’s Mom: For the bomb ass BBQ, and some seriously good Potato Salad, and I don’t even eat Potato Salad.  To the bomb house, excuse me castle, and to forcing me to watch an O State game, even though I hate that school.  To turning on the Michigan Game, in an all O State House, so that I could see what MY team was doing.  To creating such a beautiful family, and guiding them through all the bumps and bruises of life . . .

Shoutout to Pedicures: To sitting in a chair with the whole massage pad thing on the back of it, and letting someone molest my feet for an hour.  To the ring of dirt that appeared in the water, that WAS NOT MINE.  To the ghetto ass flower on my big toes, that is still elegant at the same time.  To the lady sitting next to me and Liyah, laughing at our drunk asses talking about our lives.  To the lady fresh off the boat, that didn’t understand anything we were saying, but still laughed, because we were laughing.  To the lil girl whose mom was doing our toes, that spent all her time making fake nails out of everything, because she had nothing else to do. . .

Shoutout to Divorce: To breaking people’s hearts, and turning them into crying, whining, depressed ass people.  To turning what should have been a night of fun to a night of anger, bitterness, and too much drinking.  To making me actually buy my first pack of cigarettes, and smoke 3 of them the first night. To devestating people that I know and love, and turning them into different people, who can’t reconcile the loss, and can’t focus on the world around them and make sense of it . . .

Shoutout to Money: For being wasted on frivolous shit, instead of on things that I needed.  To spending 40 on a pedicure that made my toes pretty, and felt good, but my feet still a lil bit crusty.  To spending 50 dollars on Liquor and hair products that I didn’t even use, but at least I will have back at home.  To being the root of all evil, and a tool of the devil, that could solve all of my problems, but not ever make me happy.  To trying to think of a way to make more of it, so that I can pay my rent, and trying really hard not to have to ask people for it  . . .

Shoutout to the term Best Friend: To using it without really meaning it, and not really understanding what it truly means to some people.  To ruining a “Best Friendship” over some petty bullshit, when all we should have done was talk about it.  To being a horrible ass “Best Friend” and even when you get called on your shit, you can’t make a concentrated effort to try and make it better.  To me being over trying to fix something that broke along the way, instead of just letting it go.  To wondering if the right person is going to read this, and at least make an attempt to REALLY try to make it better . . .

Shoutout to the Word FUCK: To being able to use it and express pure emotion, to making it work in any situation, to being able to yell it in a car, and make someone listen to the words you are trying to say to them . . .

Shoutout to Fuzzy Fat Ass: For being the FOULEST smelling cat ever.  To ensuring this weekend that I will NEVER get a cat, even though I think purring is cool, becasue they cost too damn much, and are smelly when they are sick.  To getting all over the chair by the window to Paris, and making sure I would never again sit in that chair knowingly.  To making the house smell so bad that even people who had been sitting there smoking weed leave the house, because they just couldn’t take it, so they left.  To what you did to Assata (sp) in that closet, to make her think it’s okay to just fart in someone’s face . . .

Shoutout to Salt: For being young, and livin’ it up without fear.  To letting her youth show, not in a bad way, but just in the way that she is.  To having  your biggest issue be that you had to wear your work shirt to the club.  To being a worse driver than me, and almost killing us at least 3 times on a Friday night . . .

Shoutout to Timing: For always confirming that everything will happen when it’s supposed to.  Not even wanting to go out on Saturday Night, but once we got there, after having had my emotional breakdown, I was able to catch a glimpse of the TRUE Marisa Joy Williams, the one who isn’t worried about what other people think or feel.  To being able to speak freely, and flirt shamelessly, and not look at someone as a potential mate.  To finding my new Gay Boyfriend, and hoping that he comes to visit me real soon, cuz he is freaking AWESOME . . .

Shoutout to the Truth: For always being there, right in your face even when you want to ignore it.  For letting you be free, once you fully accept and appreciate it.  For just being the basis of most of my relationships, ensuring that they won’t fall apart, or wear at the seams because there is nothing pulling at the sides . . .

Shoutout to Diamond: Who didn’t leave the intervention, even though she wanted to.  To actually hearing some of the things that I said, and understanding that it wasn’t advice, it was my view of the current situation.  To giving the Best Damn Hugs EVER, even though they weren’t appreciated the way they should have been.  To knowing that things change, and people changes, but fuck anyone else that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.  To hoping that she finds her happy place, inside her self, and goes back to the Diamond of 2003, when I first met her, and I saw more smiles than tears.  To hoping that she knows that regardless of everything else that happened, will happen, or is happening right now, she will always be my wife . . .

Shout out to this long ass blog: That I think is almost finished, and thanks for sitting here and reading it for this long!

Finally, Shoutout to Running Away: For making me realize that sometimes you have to leave home, to really breakdown, so that you won’t hold certain things against a place forever.  To Liyah’s bed for accepting my tears, and allowing me to rest even for those 3 hours a night that we got sleep.  For singing in the car because that is the best way I know to bringing my true emotions to the surface.  To Crossroads by Deitrick Haddon, for allowing me to drive and cry, and sing and cry, and realize that I am at a crossroads, and God and I are the only people that can rescue me.  For showing me that walking up the stairs to my apartment is something I want to do for a while, so I need start selling shit out of my house, so I can have one in 2 weeks.

To everyone, and everything that helped me or hurt me this weekend, for making the year of 2006 the best and worse by far.  To promising myself that I am going to survive, and not giving up.  To Love, and Food, and QAF, and Team America, and everything that is going to help me make it another day, I say


P.S. It took me more than an hour to write this, how crazy!