Tag Archive | #Thirst

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGE👏🏾ME👏🏾NOT👏🏾

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

A Little Less Conversation….

The longest phone conversation I have ever had was 10 hours. It was Junior Year of High School, talking to ‘Topher when we got home from school. We had been in school together all day, mind you. But that didn’t matter. We talked until both the cordless phones in my house died. I don’t know where my mom was, cuz that night I didn’t go to bed until like 2am. But I will never forget that conversation, not because it was life altering, but because I felt so CLOSE to him after that.

There was a time about 18 months ago, that I had ridiculously long conversations with all the people I thought were my friends. But as the dynamics of those relationships changed, so did my want/need/compulsion to converse with others.

Conversation is, to me, what sex is to most people. The art of The MindFuck is real in these here mental streets. After ‘The Spanish-American War’ earlier this year, I stopped talking to people. Not just on the phone, but even in person.

Whereas I used to be a very verbose individual, I began to truncate conversations. I began to say the least amount of words needed to get my point across.

I started to pull back from people I had previously felt close to. The fact that Conversation had seemingly turned on me in all aspects of my life (Love, Work, Family) it was the first thing I got rid of in my journey back to sanity.

But today, at a family gathering, I realized Conversation is the one thing I need to get me back to normal. I want to Converse about any and everything: Politics, Relationships, Popular Culture. Thanks to #BlackTwitter my need/want for Conversation has been labeled #Thirst.

It is a Thirst. But not for attention, but rather Mental Stimulation. I could go years without Physical/Sexual Interaction with the opposite sex. But this lack of Conversation is driving me CRAZY.

My life is so Quiet now. I only speak when its necessary. Thinking about that, makes me a Tad bit melancholy. What happened to Conversation? Not the kind that leads to Sex, but the Conversation that leads to such a spiritual fulfillment, you walk away/hung up with a smile on your face. A pep in your step. A switch in your hips. I know its out there……

Come Back Conversation, I Miss You.