I’m Mad as Hell . . . and I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore

I’m Mad my former best friend betrayed me.  I’m Mad that I cared too much about being the bigger person to tell her to go Fuck Herself.  I’m Mad I’m still hurt about her not caring I’m hurt. I’m Mad she didn’t care enough about a friendship we spent 10+ years building, and instead chose to compromise it with someone she had known for less than 6 months. I’m Mad that we had an amazing Idea for a book that would have made us so much money, and now it won’t be written because we don’t speak. 

I’m Mad as FUCK I fell in love with a man that wasn’t attracted to me.  I’m Mad I let him make me feel ugly, and unattractive.  I’m Mad I stopped looking at myself as a woman, and instead of as a thing that needed to be fixed.  I’m Mad I still won’t speak of the other fucked up things that went on in our relationship because I care about other people’s feelings.   I’m pissed the fear of rejection he, seemingly systematically, instilled in me follows me everywhere I go.  I’m Mad as FUCK I’m afraid to like someone.  Not because I don’t think I’m awesome, but because I don’t want to risk losing something great again.  I’m Mad he played me in public, with my family. . . 

Speaking of Family . . . I’m Mad my Biological Family is full of assholes.  I’m Mad my Brother is a bitch, and lets his Bitch wife run his life.  I’m Mad my brother would rather kiss my father’s ass than expect better for himself.  I’m Mad my niece would believe anything he would say about me.  I’m Mad I lived in Arizona and my support system was not related to me, with the exception of my Older Sister.  I’m Mad I will probably never speak to that side of my family again, because I don’t know how to speak to them without telling all of them to Go Fuck Themselves.

I’m Mad at my job, for exposing me to the most fucked up people I’ve ever met.  I’m Mad I’m so out of touch with that side of society, that I can’t help them the way I want to.  I’m Mad people don’t understand how prevalent Domestic Violence is. I’m Mad the women I am trying to help are their own worst enemy.  I’m Mad I’m struggling to see past a Survivor’s Mentality, and into the person they have the potential to be.  I’m Mad the same woman who says she cares about her child, smokes like a chimney.  I’m Mad there is an entire generation of children who are being raised with a role Model like Nicki Minaj.

I’m Mad Nicki Minaj is even an artist.  I’m Mad people call Eminem a Misogynist  but Nicki can’t refer to a female without using the words Bitch Hoe or Cunt.  I’m Mad the Feminist Movement has completely ignored Black Women and our struggle. I’m Mad I know what Rape Culture is. I’m Mad Rick Ross made a song about Date Rape, and no one is rioting and burning his music. I’m Mad I know what Misogyny is.  I’m Mad I Can’t be a Feminist, cuz I’m Black, Fat, and Educated.  

I’m Mad stress is making me gain weight.  I’m Mad the sun doesn’t fucking shine in Michigan like EVER.  I’m Mad I have no motivation to do anything anymore.  I miss Arizona, and the Tucson JCC Gym, and having a gym where I work.  I miss being happy driving and seeing the sun.  I’m Mad I don’t see mountains while I’m driving anymore.  I’m Mad I feel like I ran away from Arizona, because I just couldn’t take not being loved anymore. 

I’m Mad that I have so much anger inside of me all the time that all i want to do is punch someone.  Like literally punch a stranger in the face at all hours of the day.  I’m Mad this anger is causing me to lose friends, and push them away.  I’m Mad no one understands why I’m so angry, and I can’t vocalize it without feeling like I’m just complaining about petty shit.

I’m Mad people date/marry/stay with people they don’t want to be with.  I’m Mad I know more people who have cheated on their significant others than I do people who are faithful.  I’m Mad almost every male I know married the person they thought everyone accept, not the person that made them happy.  I’m Mad people stay in relationships for “Stability/Children/Family” but are willing to ruin someone else’s life to find their happiness.  

I’m Mad I spent years searching for the perfect man, then I found him.  I’m Mad I’m TERRIFIED of him.

I’m Mad I want to be happy, but don’t see it happening anytime in the near future.  I’m Mad I live with my mother.  I’m Mad I’m writing this blog, and hoping no one reads it because if they do, they are going to know I’m slowly losing my mind.  I’m Mad talking to people is frustrating for the first time in my life.  Because I always seem to be on the verge of tears if we discuss something of merit or value.  I’m Mad the only people who seem to understand my “Second-hand Trauma” have trauma of their own, so I don’t really want to burden them with mine. 

I’m just Mad.  I’m trying to move past it, and it’s not working.  So I thought I would write this, and maybe just saying it to strangers would help.

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7 thoughts on “I’m Mad as Hell . . . and I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore

  1. Joy,
    I really do understand what you are going through. I’m glad you had the courage to write this blog. I’ve been in that space. I myself had to remove myself from my in-laws before I did something I couldn’t take back. You are very, very smart, highly intelligent and beautiful. A lot of what you are experiencing is a.disease those people have called jealousy and envy. They don’t deserve your love and friendship. Leave them messy folk behind you and go ahead with yo’ bad self and let all those gifts and.talents God gave you, overtake you!!! God has some awesome blessing s waiting for you, but he had to allow you to see who some people really were before he could move you forward. He wasn’t going to let anything block what his plan is for you. Get.ready for greatness !!!!!!

  2. I usually don’t post profanity, but FCUK what everyone else thinks! FCUK their feelings, FCUK anything and anyone who doesn’t make you happy or add to the betterment of you!

    You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to scream shout protest and do whatever it is necessary to find your happy place. If writing this uncomfortable blog and exposing your slight insanity is part of the journey so be it!

  3. Miss lady ma’am…let me pour you a nice cold glass of my tasty gogo juice….tasty concoction I made up tis mighty fine, mighty fine…I know and under/over stand where you are RIGHT NOW!!!! I am dealing with a job where it is ok to excuse trifling behavior, blatant mental illness and down right misogyny all in the name of Jesus. The one of three folk I like at the job is dealing with a ‘I don’t like people at all EVER’ and I told her what I am about to tell you…Everyone will not be your friend, you do not need any more…begin to evaluate folk on a cost/benefit analysis and if your cost drastically trumps your benefit give them a kiss on the cheek and a kiss my DICK/ suck a bag o DICKS coupon….and keep it pushing…Everyone on earth is a step away from batshit crazy land and we pop around like the crazy won’t get on us…embrace your crazy…give it a hug…fix it some dinner…your crazy keeps honest

    Luv n hugs….don’t shoot nobody…without an alibi

    C

  4. Wow-I’m MAD that you have a LOT of the same feelings as I do & I don’t know you!!!! I feel like NO ONE understands…hugs to you

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