Tag Archive | Advice for Black Women

Talk to Me Nice . . .

6 weeks ago, my whole world turned upside down.  Not as a euphemism, but like actually turned upside down.  I left Arizona, headed to MI on a plane on March 30th, with a job and a home. 10 days later, I was going to be homeless because the house I was renting was going on the market. “But we will of course honor your lease,” said the white woman.  My lease was up for renewal at the end of June.

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So I flew back to AZ, and packed up my entire life in less than a week.  Followed by DRIVING 2167 miles from Tucson, AZ to West Bloomfield, MI. Because, why not?  Did I forget to mention my 70 Lb dog . . . whose favorite thing in LIFE is to be in a car with me.  I had to drug him . . . because just NO.

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This is just here to set the scene for the actual point of this blog, because it’s important to know my mindset on this journey from AZ to MI. I was doing what I HAD to do, not what I wanted to do.  My life was in AZ. I started a business, I had friends (well like 10 of them, but still), my life wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either.

Or so I thought.

I’ve been a Social Worker for 6 years.  Which means I understand things like “Survivor Mode,” and “Secondary Trauma,” but some kind of way, I didn’t know I was dealing with that, and in all honesty probably had been for at least 2 years.  Basically after my seizure, I just went into survivor mode and I haven’t stopped.

So much shit – good, bad, and horrible – has happened to me since I had that seizure.  Gained and lost friends, gained and lost family members, discovered Medicinal Marijuana, fell in and out of love with several people, dealt with my mother’s illnesses, got a dog, etc.

But I’d just been going full force.  Working 12 – 18 hour days, with one off day during the weekend, and usually I had stuff to do so I didn’t get the chance to just de-stress.  I’m actually slightly surprised I managed to function that long without having a serious mental breakdown.

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Looking back, I was in a rut of my own making.  I wasn’t very social.  But then again, Arizona is NOT very social.  There is nothing to do that doesn’t require hiking or swimming in extreme heat.  Which is bullshit, because FAT. Thus leading to the theme of my 2000+ mile journey: “Why the FUCK did I ever think I was Happy in Arizona?!?”

Click here for my definition of Happy

I was miserable.  I was irritable all the time, and I put up with bullshit because it was the best I could get.  I put up with a nigga (and the sex was garbage) because at least he was a Black Man in Arizona that liked me. I ignored my feelings for the only otha Black Man in Arizona that liked me, because I didn’t want to ruin it. I lost myself in AZ.  I forgot I was cute.  I forgot I was sexy, I forgot that I was a GOT DAMN UNICORN.

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I”m a 36 year old Black Woman.  I have 1 degree, and enough professional knowledge to have 2 more.  In multiple disciplines.  I’m the GOT DAMN Autism Whisperer.  My Vagina is a got damn miracle.  It could change your life, if you let it. I’m smart, capable of doing anything, and a cunning linguist. Driving cross country I realized several things about my life going forward.

  1. You never know how people view you.  You can have this thought, that the way you present yourself to someone lands the same exact way, every single time.  It doesn’t. One of the men I love {or am In love with, depends on the day}, (because I’m allowed to love more than one person at a time, SOCIETY) he sees this strong and resilient person, who never gives up and always perseveres.  He thinks I’m a strong person, even though I feel like I call him and cry like once every 3 months.  About completely different things, and I always feel so damn stupid for crying about it, because I’m supposed to be an adult at all times. So I feel weak, and less than for being vulnerable to him. And his take, “You may feel you’re not where you wanna be in life, but you’re right where you are supposed to be.” *thug tears*
  2. Love is Love is Love is LoveIt doesn’t have to look like anything other than something that makes you happy every single GOT DAMN day of your life. You don’t have to choose between the person who makes you laugh, and the person who makes your lady parts tingle.  No one has the right to tell you what your love HAS to look like.  Talk to the people, tell them your preferences.  If they aren’t down with the Get Down, that’s okay.  But don’t compromise yourself, to settle with what other people think is good for you.  We are living in Trump’s whole ass ‘Murica.  The world could end tomorrow, don’t waste it being sad because your needs aren’t being met. 
  3. I’m done apologizing for the way I’ve lived my life thus far.  I’m done feeling ashamed for the missteps I’ve taken.  I’m done trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t feel like I was an adult until a week ago.  I’m over anyone who tries to tell me how I should live my life, and navigate the world.  Be they Family, Friend or Foe – GTFOH with your rules and expectations.  I get to walk through the world in this new body I’m creating for myself.  I get to eat whatever the hell I want, and also RUN A FUCKING MILE for the first time in my life. The only people in this world who get to dictate how I live my life, are the people I choose to listen to.  I’m in charge of this ship now.  No more letting the wind take me wherethefuckever. 

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I’m sure I’ve written in the past that today is the day my life is different.  I’m sure at the time I wholeheartedly believed it.  Maybe things did change, in a way. But this version of MJ, the one writing this blog has already won.  She is living in her GOT DAMN truth.  And it’s Sofa King Fabulous.

Please, join me. 

Let’s live our Best Whole Ass Lives for the rest of 2018. 

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Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGE👏🏾ME👏🏾NOT👏🏾

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

Dear Depression……Thanks

I need to take a few minutes to talk about one of the benefits of MY depression. I talk all the time, about how Depression has seemingly taken over my adulthood. It makes things HARDER to accomplish. In order to be fair, I must now share the good sides of Depression. So without further ado, I present…..Thanks Depression!

I’ve lost 30lbs since July of last year. I went from 363.2 to today’s current weight of 334.8lbs. I can write those weights with pride, as it’s the smallest I’ve ever been (since I started actually weighing myself). The only time in my life I lost weight like this, was when I was working at the Tucson JCC. I was working out 5 days a week (for at least 40 mins), and eating kosher.

Which is why I have to say, Thank You Depression!

Because I just stopped eating food. That’s how I’m losing this weight. I have no appetite, at all. I forget to eat during the day, and I barely eat at home. When I do eat, the portions are so small it’s like being on a diet. 9 times out of 10, I always end up feeding the rest to my dog.

I’ve been dealing with my mom’s health issues and living 2309 miles away, so food intake has been the least of my worries.

People come up to me, and ask my diet plan. Usually, I lie. Cuz it’s kind of weird to be like, “Worry about your mom on an hourly basis! The pounds will just melt away!” I feel like, that wouldn’t go over that well.

FitBit reminded me today, I’m just 9lbs away from the initial goal I set for myself 3 years ago. I got a lil bit happy, knowing that goal is on the horizon. Then, I got sad again. Because I know I’ll make that goal. And it’s not because I’m doing it on purpose. It’s because I’m so stressed out about other things in life, I won’t be focused enough to try to stay at this weight. Depression is still there, I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it…..yet.

I sometimes miss when food was my happy place. I miss being able to eat my feelings. Because when you can just eat them, you don’t have to process them. You don’t have to sit with them, rolling around in your head all fucking day.

When you can eat your feelings, you also end up weighing 378lbs at 30. So clearly that wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism. But as I looking at the numbers getting smaller and smaller on the scale, my new fear is that once I’m back in Michigan, the weight just comes back.

So I’m planning already, how to keep this going. Joining Lifetime Fitness again, and cooking healthy food. Actually going for walks on the trail behind my mom’s house. Maybe I can get to my ultimate weight Goal, size 18 on the bottom, and a 14/16 on Top. The numbers never mattered to me, the way my clothes fit did. And 2 weeks ago, I bought a pair of size 24 jeans….and they are already too big now.

Thank You Depression, for being a catalyst to a lifestyle change I needed. I wasn’t gonna do it myself, so I appreciate the help 😁.

CSBF Vol 14: Dear Black Women, You’re Doing It Wrong . . .

I’ve been avoiding this blog for sometime now.  Partially, because I’m lazy and I knew this was going to take me a long time to write. But really, because as a Black Woman, there is a huge possibility that people are going to see this and assume that I hate myself or something equally stupid.  But I can’t hold off any longer, because I KEEP running into situations where I see Black Men suffering because Black Women are stuck on Stupid.  The purpose of this blog is, “Each One, Teach One” So just read, and Learn.

Step 1: Stop Being so F*cking Petty

I mean really, everything is not a make or break situation.  He’s not ALWAYS cheating on you.  You don’t always have to get all Angry Black Woman in every situation.  The best way to ruin a relationship is lack of communication . . . Better yet, HORRIBLE Communication skills.  Either you don’t talk enough, or you talk too damn much.  Here’s a hint ladies, If what you are nagging your man about isn’t going to make you money, feed you, or help get you {or he} off, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Everything doesn’t have to be a 4 hour conversation about feelings.  He stopped listening as soon as the game came on.

Conversely, if something is bothering you, and it really is affecting the intimacy in your relationship, talk to him about THAT.  Don’t start a fight about how you think you look fat in this dress, and you saw the way he was looking at that girl in the mall, and why doesn’t he ever hang out with you and your mother, then finally you get to the point: You didn’t like the way he spoke to you around his friends.  All the rest of that stuff is superfluous.  Get to the meat of the issue.  All that other stuff, write him a note, or add it to your Diary. Because he doesn’t really care about the extra.  He cares about what he has “done wrong, and how can he fix it.”

Step 2: Stop being so Got Damn Selfish

You are in a Relationship. A Relationship is defined as: A connection between persons by blood or marriage {dictionary.com} This means there are 2 people in your relationship. Not Just YOU.  If you wanna get your hair done, nails done, er’thing did {OhYouFancyHuh} get a GOT DAMN JOB. It is not the job of your man to keep you laced up.  It is also not his job to complete you.  If you are broken, fix yourself.  Having a fine ass man, is NOT going to make you feel better about yourself. Actually, it will probably make you feel worse.

He is looking for a woman, not a child.  You looking to him for validation, he is looking for a partner.  Someone to work with him to better himself {and by extension you}, not a child to take care of.  Speaking of Children, if the man has children, they will always {or rather should always} come first.  You aren’t ever going to be his first priority.  You shouldn’t be.  So you being mad that he has to go see his ex-wife/Baby’s Mom’s house to get the kids is stupid.  She is the mother of his children, he is going to have to deal with her.  Stop being a dummy.

Step 3: Lying is getting you nowhere, neither is playing games.

The fact that you had to maneuver this man into dating you is not even the point.  But once you got the man, why are you still playing games? BE YOU. If he doesn’t like you, he wouldn’t be with you.  And if he doesn’t like the real you, f*ck that dude.  The person you are supposed to be with is the one that accepts you Flaws and All {AllBeyonce}. If you have a gambling problem, he’s gonna find out.  If you have a Fat Ass, he already knows.  That’s probably why he dates/married you in the first place.

Also, if you keep lying, f*ckin up, he’s going to cheat on you.  Men usually cheat because it’s in their nature to hump everything moving.  But men in committed Relationships cheat because something they used to be getting at home is no longer there.  Men don’t just cheat to hump, they cheat to be fulfilled.  If you are playing games, giving him the silent treatment, other petty female things – he will find what he needs from someone else.  Be it that friend who always listens to his problem, the random club heaux that just put you at risk for the HIV, his ex that always knew how to make him feel like a man . . . You are NOT the only fish in the sea.

Step 4: Independent Woman = Lonely Bitch

It’s okay to take care of you.  It’s okay to have a job, and a savings account, and a life plan.  You are supposed to take care of yourself, when you are alone.  You also have to make sure that you are secure in you, before you venture into a relationship with another person.  However, and that is a HUGE however, stop being all “I don’t need you dude, I can take care of myself,” every time you get in a fight with your man. Let him take care of you on occasion, stop emasculating him at every turn.  He is a MAN, stop trying to make yourself feel better by tearing him down.  If he isn’t on your level, but he is trying to get there, WHY oh dear God Why, must you point out all of his shortcomings.

Yes, there are MANY worthless men in the world. If you are continuing to attract worthless men, it might just be you? More and more, I am seeing GOOD MEN, getting dogged out by women.  Cheatin’ ass, Lyin’ Ass, Stupid Ass Black Women who don’t understand there’s a man shortage out here.  You should be so appreciative that you actually have a good man, that you work hard not to mess it up.  You can be all “Strong Independent Black Woman” at work. Doing that sh*t at home, is gonna leave you Lonely.  Sitting on your couch watching Tyler Perry Movies, crying cuz you just realized that your man was right when he called you a Selfish Heaux.

Step 5: White Girls aren’t your Natural Enemy, You Are

I live in Arizona. It’s a Black Man’s Mecca out there.  White women and Mexican’s for everyone! Yes, there are Black men that will push over their mother to find them a white girl, but all of them aren’t like that.  Most of the men that I know who no longer date Black Women, say the same thing, “I was tired of being nagged, browbeat, yelled at, all the Got Damn Time!” Again, you are causing the majority of your problems.

Get you a white female friend – not the ones who think they are black – but a bona-fide white friend.  Ask her about her relationships.  The one thing you will find is that she caters to her man. If he likes football, she watches it.  She don’t give a hell who Mike Vick is {unless she’s a member of PETA}, but she will root him on with the best of them! She doesn’t like poker, but she will play it with him and his guy friends if he asks her.  Her first instinct is going to be to say YES, instead of coming up with a reason she can’t, won’t, don’t feel like doing something. Take notes Black Women, you might get your man back.

Conclusion:

Every Black Woman isn’t a nag.  Every Black Woman isn’t a lying, cheating, club heaux.  Some Black women have very stable and wonderful relationships.  They are, however, in the minority.  What you see on TV isn’t real, so stop taking relationship advice from TV Shows.  It’s FICTION. Every relationship is going to have problems.  Every marriage is going to have hard times.  But, as a Black Woman, it’s our job to strive to be better.  We have had to overcome so much in society, now we just need to overcome ourselves.