I promised NOT to blog about this. Clearly I lied.
Ever had someone tell you they loved you? Ever had that same person say, they can’t picture their life without you in it? Ever had that same person lay with you on a couch for hours, crying about the pain that was their childhood? Ever have that person tell you they can’t/won’t be with you?
Clearly, Sometimes, Love Isn’t Enough . . .
I just got kicked in my chest, by the one person I was willing to sacrifice my personal space for. I invited him into my home, my space, every aspect of me, and he was uncomfortable. 4 hour phone conversations, all day text messaging, and everything else . . . he couldn’t get comfortable.
Instead of being deep, I’m Just going to let the music do the talking . . .
Becuz this is how he feels . . .
And that’s how I felt when he told me he was leaving . . .
And THIS is how I feel right now . . . .
Part II…….
I’m so mad at myself for loving you. For making u matter when YOU said you didn’t think you should matter to anyone. All I wanted to do was love you. Just to love you, and to be there for you. Who walks away from love? Who turns their back on love?
What kind of person are you that you can so easily walk away from everyone you come into contact with. Was everything a lie? Did I once again fall for the emotions behind the words that were whispered in the safey of being 4+ states away? Is it easier for you to live that lie, than to just admit that you can’t see yourself with me.
Everything inside me, the lost girl that I used to be wants to find the flaw in MY actions and make this my fault. To tell myself that I did something to make you treat me like the emotional who’re you made me out to be. But I can’t find it. I can’t find the reason, the event, the episode that led to this. For once, I’m not blaming myself for your issues.
But at the end of the day, I still come home to this empty ass house. And I hate it. I hate that you turned my HOME into such an unhappy place for me. And that I let you do it.
I’m so fucking angry/sad/mad/hurt right now. The fact that you won’t even answer my questions. That you went out of your way, to run away. That you severed all ties . . . . Emotional . . . Physical . . . Communicable . . . .
Do you sleep at night? Was it not even an issue for you, to know that you broke my heart. How could you just look me in my face, and lie. Say that everything was going to be the same. I just don’t even know what to be mad about anymore. . . .
By FAR the Best Album of 2010 {in any catergory} Is Cee-lo’s The Lady Killer. This album was so good, I actually paid for it because I wanted the album art. It’s Soul, R&B, Hip-Hop, Old School all in one. It tells a story from beginning to end. I highly recommend the purchase of this album.
Favorite Song on the Album: The Other Side ft. Cee-Lo and B.O.B
Bruno Mars has been all over EVERYWHERE this year, and with good reason. His album, Doo Wops & Hooligans, was the most complete album I heard this year. Besides the fact that his voice is immaculate, and his production skils are impeccible, this is one of the FEW albums that I can play all the way through without skipping a song. He didn’t stick to one genre, but he moved around seamlessly. Kudo’s Mr. Mars, now if you could just get off that Nose Candy . . .0_o
Favorite Song on the Album: In Another Time
Sade has been around since I was a little kid. I actually went to school with her daughter when she came to Detroit in 1985 or 1986 to record an album. But The BAND’s music stays timeless. *Little Known Fact: The Band is named Sade, the singer’s name is Helen* This years release, Soldier of Love, is one of those albums that you put on, and just think about your path in life. It’s a very healing kind of record. {Except that song BabyFather, what the F*ck is that song in there for?}
Favorite Song on the Album: The Worst is Over
Laura Izabor is a little known singer from overseas. But those of us who know her, LOVE HER. Her album, Let the Truth Be Told, is such a mellow and grown up kind of album. She has a very smooth/soulful voice. With the right marketing, she could be a very big artist over here.
Best & Favorite Song on the Album: When a Woman Loves
Before you say anything, I know he peed on an under-aged girl. But in the words of Riley, “If you don’t wanna get peed on, you move.” Back to the MUSIC. Love Letter is so freaking awesome. It’s R. Kelly the Grown Man, singing his heart out. He shows his vocal range in the damn Intro. Judge Me If you Want, I will stay bumping this album for the rest of this year right on into the next.
Favorite Song on any of the albums: Shoes from In My Zone
Bet you thought Breezy would be first on my list didn’t you. I will admit, based solely on Volume of music put out in a year, he should be on top. 1 Studio album, and 3 Mixtapes . . . and his hit single of the year came from a mixtape that was FREE. This trend of artist’s having mixtapes better than their albums is so strange. Either way, Chris Brown made his presence known this year, in a big way. #TeamBreezy
Best Song of the Album: Out My Mind, Just in Time
We all know Badu is the TRUTH. But this album, New Amerykah Part 2: Return of the Ankh, took me back to the days of Mama’s Gun. The controversery surrounding the “Window Seat” video shoot alone let me know that Erykah was going to be at her best. Another album that tells a story, and can be listened to all the way through. I see you Erykah.
Best Song of the Album: I Can’t Write Left Handed {Originally sung by Bill Withers}
John Legend’s HORRIBLE Hairline aside, he has the voice of a 1960’s soul singer. Teaming up with the Roots for this years, WAKE UP!, was a genius idea. All live instrumentation, and live recording this is a cry out to a generation that seems to be missing the point. The fact that these are covers of songs from 40+ years ago, and yet they are still relevant should say a lot about the state of the world.
Best Song of the Album: It’s in the Mornin’ ft Snoop Dogg
There wasn’t much “Get your Freak on” music released this year {Will of Day26’s Sextape will be featured in the MixTape Blog}. Select tracks on a few albums, but nothing that really spoke to my soul . . . Until Robin Thicke’s Sex Therapy: The Experience came out. The Interludes took me there and the actual tracks just kept me going. I bet Jon B is PISSED right now, Robin just stole all his thunder.
Favorite Song on the Album: Love You Long Time
Jazmine Sullivan came in at the end of the year, but that doesn’t make her album any less great. On Love Me Back, she still has the gruff voice that made people fall in love with her in the first place, but thankfully she is less, “Bust Yo’ Windows” and more “I’m too old for this BS.” This album has a very good balance of faster paced songs and ballad. Well done Ms. Jazmine.
Cant forget some of the other albums/tracks that just spoke to me, even if the album wasn’t on point…
Whip My Hair – Willow “Sh*ttin’ on Grown Women” Smith
Nobody Wins a War – Raheem DeVaughn ft Dwele, Jill Scott, Ledisi and like 4011 other Neo-Soul artists
Love is Blind – Alicia “Please forget a stole a woman’s husband” Keys
Bittersweet – Fantasia “Yes, I stole yo’ Nupe” Barinno
I Hope She Cheats on You – Marsha “I can yodel and make it sexy” Ambrosuis
Four Women – Jill Scott, Ledisi, Kelly Price, and Marsha Ambrosius
*For the Purposes of this Blog, the term Big Girl refers to any female who wears Size 14 and Above. Her thighs touch, she might have a stretch mark or two, but she is still DAMN SEXY.*
Let keep it real folks. Big Girls get a bad rep. We are portrayed in the Media as either Loud and Boisterous (Mo’Nique) Stern and Motherly (Ester Rolle) or as a Judge (Every Version of Law and Order). It’s about time a Big Girl kept it real about why we are the best girlfriend you’ve never had. This isn’t going to be a me pleading our case, instead, I am just gonna tell you what you need to know about the Big Girls of the World. Some folks may not agree with me, and that’s fine. But as a Big Girl, I get to say this with Pride . . . Big Girls Rule!
Fact: Big doesn’t Mean Ugly.
Just because we actually have meat on our bones doesn’t mean we aren’t attractive. You can be beautiful at any size, regradless of what society says. There is a common misconception that just because you might be fat, means you are also dirty. We shower. We bathe. We probably take better care of ourselves than that skinny chick you’re dating. We have just as much sexy clothing as the next girl, ours just looks better. Tell me men, does a halter top look better on 32 B’s or on 40 DD’s. Keep in mind, there are some big girls that think just because Lane Bryant or Torrid sells it, they should own it. {We aren’t talking about the musty Big Girl at the club.}
Fact: Most Big Girls Have a Job
We have needs. Our clothes cost more than the scraps of clothing that Becky wears, so we work to get what we need. Because we have to deal with the knowledge that people aren’t going to automatically choose to cater to us, we have to hone our skill set. We are probably on the fast rack to advance in our career, because we handle our business. Big/Fat doesn’t mean lazy. We probably don’t need you to pay for anything {Hair, Nails, etc.} because when you met us, it was already taken care of. Plus, we know how to cook. HELLO!!!!!! The Big Girl you meet that doesn’t know how to cook a full course meal is a failure. At Life, At Fatness, and at relationships.
Fact: Some Big Girls don’t have Self-Esteem Issues
We know we have it together. We don’t need you to tell us how important we are to you every other minute. We Like Us. We aren’t fragile creatures who will break at the littlest things. Matter of Fact, it takes alot to get us to that point. {For those of us who have been Big the majority of our lives, you really can’t come with anything that we haven’t already had to deal with.} Our self-confidence often borders on arrogance. In our minds, I am just as great as anyone else, and if you have an issue with it, you can just move the F*ck on.
Fact: Your Heat Bill will Go Down
Stop Laughing! Seriously, Big Girls love to Cuddle! You have your own Electric Blanket! It’s like a human Snuggie. Real Talk, some Big Girls just exude heat, you don’t even have to be that close to us. We just wanna sit on the couch and hang out. We don’t have to put our head in your lap. Honestly, it would probably be more comfortable if you put your head in our lap. Plus, it’s gonna be rare that you accidentally get poked in the side by a bony elbow or knee. Lay your head on my pillows . . . and just relax, relax, relax . . .
Fact: The Sex is Better
If you take nothing else from this blog, understand this. Sex is Better with a Big Girl. There are many reasons this is true, but lets just focus on three major points.
1) Flexibility:We are more flexibile, and less likely to be injured during the act. “More Cushion for the Pushing,” it ain’t just a saying. I’m not just saying this from personal experience, I have many male friends who are dating/engaged to/married to Big Girls, and they all say the same thing, “Best Sex I’ve Ever Had.”
2) Oral Skill: I’m gonna try to not be vulgar on this one. But think about it logically. It’s safe to say, your average Big Girl has a well developed sense of taste. As the mouth is the most sensitive area on the body, we get pleasure from placing things inside of it, right? So doesn’t it stand to reason that anything placed inside our mouth would gain as much pleasure as we would gain from putting it inside there? #ImJustSayin
3) Sex Drive: Stamina and Frequency. We require both. I’m willing to bet you will get tired before a Big Girl will. Again, this is not based on my opinion, but on conversations with numerous people. Skinny chicks will start to complain about their Pelvic Bones hurting, and they think they pulled a muscle when you slammed them up against the wall . . . Big Girls say, “Is That It?”
I didnt write this blog to boost my already enormous ego. Nor did I write so that some man would magically fall in love with me. I wrote it because I’m real tired of Big Girls getting the short end of the stick. Everybody needs love, and if the only reason you wont talk to the Big Girl in your office is because you arent sure what your boy is going to say about it, Grow The F*ck Up.
When you call to ask his advice, he wont pick up. The Big Girl he met at the club this weekend just made some Ox Tails and Pinto Beans and is giving him the bomb ass….
For awhile, To Love was all we could do
We were young and we knew,
and our eyes were alive.
Deep inside we knew our love was true . . .
Funny the things we hold on to, the relationships that mold you into the person you are. The way that your attachment to another person begins to define how you see yourself. When asked, Who Are You? . . . It made me ashamed to admit that, without incorporating Him in the picture, I didn’t know.
My confidence had become intertwined in our relationship. In the knowledge, nay FAITH that, this one person in the world understood me. That even if everyone else had turned their back on me and written me off , He, would be there. He became my safety net, when things didn’t make sense, and I felt that I couldn’t find my way back to solid ground, He was always there to stabilize me. My Knight in Shining Armor, My Best Friend, My Soulmate.
Somethin’ Happened along the way,
What used to be Happy is sad
Somethin’ happened along the way
and yesterday is all we had . . .
No Longer able to rest on the past, bringing it to the present . . .
What happened to the wonderful thing that we had
It seems like you’re, missing in action
And I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired
I don’t wanna lose this good {love}, But I ain’t scared
If I’m going to be the only one, participating in this
‘Cuz I’m Lonely, Whenever You’re Around . . .
The personification of every dream I had for myself for the past 10 years. The things I never admitted to others, plus the things that You promised along the way. Sitting around, feeling stupid for having put all this pressure on myself, and feeling less than every time a flaw was pointed out. Being afraid to speak, for fear of anger or sarcastic put-downs. You aren’t the only one who did it, but it hurt so much more coming from you.
Still hadn’t recovered from the last person that I, admittedly, let tear me down, part by part. Confessing to the Loneliness that has plagued me since I made the move to AZ, and yet still hoping that one day, One Day, ONE DAY, you would remember that feeling. Remember what you SAID I was to You . . .
Oh, you played me dirty . . . . your game was so bad
You toyed with my affliction , Had to fill out my prescription
Found the remedy, I had to set you free.
Away from me . . . . . . . . .
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me
Letting the wound heal, then going back to pick at the scab. Trying to believe that only more of the injury would make it better. While others drink and smoke and snort and shoot up, I, in my Infinite Intelligence, Love You. Fully immersing myself in my personal drug of choice, until I have to quit Cold Turkey. Because it becomes too much, or not enough. When the high that I am searching for no longer fills that space. When that void becomes so cluttered by lies, half-truths, and other misunderstandings that I can’t control my reaction to it anymore.
ALWAYS giving up control, ALWAYS being there when You needed me, being angry when you wouldn’t do the same for me, yet not valuing MYSELF enough to know that I deserved more. The Best Friend, the label I kept trying to give you when I could no longer use Love of My Life and still believe it. Maybe that is why I couldn’t say Who I Am . . . because I was still waiting for a clear definition from You, that never came.
I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It’s such a shame our friendship had to end.
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Been feeling some kind of way for about a week, without being able to put it into words. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, mostly just pissed off. It goes without saying, I try quite hard to not be an Angry Black Woman. I also work really hard to not be a stereotypical Black Female., all “I Need Me a Man.” But in real life, I Need Me a Man.
I could be congresswoman or a garbage woman
Or police officer or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer
Or a mother and a Good God Woman whatcha done to me
Kind of lover I can be
Not a boy, or a thug, or some random nigga off the street, but a Man. I can be and do anything in this world, alone. I can raise a child, and hold down two jobs, and excel in my profession, and be happy. But will I feel complete? I doubt it. Fact is, I Need You. Whoever you may be, I need you. I need you there when I get off work, to ask me about my day, and listen to me bitch and moan if I so choose.
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do
I’m 28 years old, six months (to the day) away from 29, and I go to sleep alone. Oh, I could choose not to. I have someone willing to sleep with me every night, but “I’m Lonely, Whenever He’s Around.” I spend so much of my time telling other people not to settle, I was judging myself for settling. This is not to say that he’s not a great man, because he is. He just isn’t a great man for me.
So where are you? Are you waiting on me to call you out. Well consider this my Siren Call. I Miss You. I know that I don’t know who you are yet, or rather I don’t know HOW you are yet, but I miss you. Everyday, things happen to me, and I keep them to myself, because I can’t wait to tell YOU. To see YOUR face light up when I tell you about the Guy with the Coconut (#AllSATC). Somethings were only meant for you.
I could be a computer analyst
The queen with the nappy hair, raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, Sweet as the first kiss
It seems weird to be writing a love letter to someone who doesn’t exist in my life right now. I see Love everywhere I go these days. Love and Babies. My Biological Clock isn’t ticking . . . the Alarm has gone off. Everyday, I think about the children I haven’t had yet. I think about what they are going to look like. Will they have your hair? Will they have my eyes? Little midget ears like me? A big nose like you?
I can even raise the child we`ll make
Make sure he`s loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But I need you to help him be a man
We need you
Most of the girls I know would give me the Prince Side Eye for admitting my NEED to be a mother. But it’s who I am. I see children in places that other people don’t. Do you know what it’s like, to walk in a store and have children stop talking to each other, so they can smile at you. While it warms my heart, it’s also kind of devastating. Because I Want That. I want to laugh at my baby because she made a funny face, or get angry with you because you forgot to put on an undershirt on him on a cold day.
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
(And you need us too)
I’m judging myself, and anticipating judgement when this blog gets posted. But I had to get it out, because it’s killing me at this point to hold it in. I Need You. In case you didn’t know, I thought I would say it again.
I can’t even try to count the number of men I have had a crush on in my life. Hell, freshman year of college was at least 12. Men are and always have been there, in the corner of my eye, on my mind in some way, shape, form, or fashion. I had my first boyfriend (Christopher Allen Greer) in PRE-SCHOOL!! He was in Kindergarten, and we got in trouble for kissing on the indoor monkey bars.
In the Story of my Life, there are only 3 men that made an impact to the point that I can STILL remember our first meeting, the first time we touched, and how I felt when they broke my heart. Because all of them did. Maybe they didn’t mean to, but they did. My recent trip home, while filled with laughter and merriment was also been filled with some soul-searching and letting things/people go. I had to see a few people, and realize that I had moved on, even though I didn’t know I had.
Angel of Mine
When I was 12, I fell in love with a Boy. He was no ordinary boy, he was almost a man. On the cusp of becoming a grown-up. He made me laugh, he talked to me when I talked to him, and we bounded over our mutual love of Bone Thugs in Harmony. (I remember while writing this, he is the Reason I liked them). He was the first man I ever found sexually attractive. The first time I saw him, I felt something in a place I didn’t know existed.
Watching him walk, all the pent-up anger/frustration making his muscle bunch and release whenever he made a move. If I had to compare his gait to any animal it would be a cougar. Halting and yet fluid. I did all kinds of things to get him to notice me, but he was 17. He couldn’t see me………. But I still remember how I used to feel when he did pay attention to me. That rush of adrenaline, that hope that maybe this time is going to be the one that makes him stay and converse for hours like I want to. He was my 1st Crush and my first case of Puppy Love . . .
I Keep On Fallin’ . . . .
I met who I still consider to be my Soulmate when I was 18. The connection was instantaneous. There was no question about how we felt about each other. It was like we had spent our entire lives waiting for confirmation that someone else existed that understood us. From the food we liked to eat to the songs we sang in the shower we were completely in sync with each other. We plotted out our children’s names. Where we were going to live, the kind of jobs we would have. Our future was waiting for us to conquer it.
I loved him in a way I didn’t even think was possible. Crazy as this sounds, I loved him more than I loved myself. He knew it, so did I and we were just fine with that. The first time we broke up, I can remember screaming so loud that my next door neighbor knocked on the door to see if someone was attacking me. I took a shower for two hours. Sang the entire “One Wish” album by Deborah Cox three times. I slipped into what I later realized was clinical depression.
And yet, when he came back we started all over again. It was a crazy type of relationship. Emotionally draining and yet filling at the same time. Over time, our relationship turned into friendship. He’s still my soulmate, just changed the connotation of the word. He knows me better than I know myself. I look for pieces of him in almost man I pursue. But nothing will ever compare to that first connection……..
I Don’t Wanna Let You See . . . . .
The One that Got Away. The first time we met it was because I was yelling at him. He came into my world and tried to challenge everything that I had built and cultivated in a three-year period. Who would have the audacity, the unmitigated gall to step up and criticize me?!?!? I took his attack hella personal. But oh when I saw him, Good Lord! I forgot to be mad. He was the Epitome of Good Black Man. Smart, sexy, ambitious. He knew where he was going. It was up to you to either catch up or get left behind. I ran like a mu’fucka. I was NOT gonna be left behind.
In the back of my mind, I always thought we would end up together. Thinking about it now, I don’t think we ever discussed relationship type things. It was unspoken. Everyone in our immediate circle knew it. We knew it, at least I think we did. We just fit together. Physically and mentally, he aroused me and challenged me without being over bearing or blatant about it. I wanted to be there to see him succeed, to see him come into his own and be the Man I knew he would be.
If Only………..They say everything happens for a reason, but I often wonder where we would have ended up if I had been vocal about what I wanted instead of assuming he knew? What if he had come to visit for my birthday that year? I loved him, with a gentle kind of love that would have lasted 60+ years. I went a long time without seeing him. Partially because we don’t live near each other anymore, but more because I knew that I wasn’t ready to see him yet. My heart was still a little bruised and no one was to blame but me. . . . .
You’re Just Runnin’ ‘Cross My Mind . . . .
We all sometimes look back at our lives and think about what might have been. In the area of Love/Relationships I have often looked back to see the mistakes I’ve made, in order to not make the same mistakes again. Trying to navigate this new relationship, I can’t help but look back into the old ones. Fear of Failure at something that has become an important investment to me is compelling me to think about my past. Thankfully, I look back at these three men with smiles, not tears. They all taught me something about Life, Love, and Myself. So every time they ‘Cross My Mind I’m thankful they were in my life, and even more thankful that they still are.
Joyful Words of Wisdom 
