Tag Archive | African American Female

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGEūüĎŹūüŹĺMEūüĎŹūüŹĺNOTūüĎŹūüŹĺ

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

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Dear Depression……Thanks

I need to take a few minutes to talk about one of the benefits of MY depression. I talk all the time, about how Depression has seemingly taken over my adulthood. It makes things HARDER to accomplish. In order to be fair, I must now share the good sides of Depression. So without further ado, I present…..Thanks Depression!

I’ve lost 30lbs since July of last year. I went from 363.2 to today’s current weight of 334.8lbs. I can write those weights with pride, as it’s the smallest I’ve ever been (since I started actually weighing myself). The only time in my life I lost weight like this, was when I was working at the Tucson JCC. I was working out 5 days a week (for at least 40 mins), and eating kosher.

Which is why I have to say, Thank You Depression!

Because I just stopped eating food. That’s how I’m losing this weight. I have no appetite, at all. I forget to eat during the day, and I barely eat at home. When I do eat, the portions are so small it’s like being on a diet. 9 times out of 10, I always end up feeding the rest to my dog.

I’ve been dealing with my mom’s health issues and living 2309 miles away, so food intake has been the least of my worries.

People come up to me, and ask my diet plan. Usually, I lie. Cuz it’s kind of weird to be like, “Worry about your mom on an hourly basis! The pounds will just melt away!” I feel like, that wouldn’t go over that well.

FitBit reminded me today, I’m just 9lbs away from the initial goal I set for myself 3 years ago. I got a lil bit happy, knowing that goal is on the horizon. Then, I got sad again. Because I know I’ll make that goal. And it’s not because I’m doing it on purpose. It’s because I’m so stressed out about other things in life, I won’t be focused enough to try to stay at this weight. Depression is still there, I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it…..yet.

I sometimes miss when food was my happy place. I miss being able to eat my feelings. Because when you can just eat them, you don’t have to process them. You don’t have to sit with them, rolling around in your head all fucking day.

When you can eat your feelings, you also end up weighing 378lbs at 30. So clearly that wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism. But as I looking at the numbers getting smaller and smaller on the scale, my new fear is that once I’m back in Michigan, the weight just comes back.

So I’m planning already, how to keep this going. Joining Lifetime Fitness again, and cooking healthy food. Actually going for walks on the trail behind my mom’s house. Maybe I can get to my ultimate weight Goal, size 18 on the bottom, and a 14/16 on Top. The numbers never mattered to me, the way my clothes fit did. And 2 weeks ago, I bought a pair of size 24 jeans….and they are already too big now.

Thank You Depression, for being a catalyst to a lifestyle change I needed. I wasn’t gonna do it myself, so I appreciate the help ūüėĀ.

2 Day Free Write: I miss the Old Kanye

After I cried for an hour at work, I started making a plan. . . .

This is a Free Write, I’m just jotting down thoughts, because the Woman I realized is my mentor, told me to.¬† And sometimes I obey commands . . . but only sometimes.

  1. My best friend lost her mom at the end of last year.¬† She had to see her mother become this thing she wasn’t ready for.¬† She had to see her mother in pain and hurting, because cancer was ravaging her body.¬† At about the same time, my mother was going through Chemo for Cancer.¬† And I was in Arizona.¬† 2096 miles away from her.¬† I have the greatest Best Friends, and my OTHER Best Friend stepped up and kept my mom together.¬† She drove her to appointments, helped run errands, basically everything.¬† I don’t know what I would be, without her.¬† I’m so grateful for what she’s done for my mother.¬† But it’s getting to me today.¬† Being away from her, is getting to me.¬† I’ve been in Arizona for 9 years, and this is the 2nd time I’m seriously considering leaving.¬† Because THAT’S MY MOTHER. And when I was sick, she dropped everything and came here for me.¬† I should have done the same for her.¬† I know all the practical reasons why I didn’t, but I should have.¬† I think, I feel guilty that I didn’t come home.¬† I know most of my family judges me because of it.¬† I had already assumed it, but it was confirmed over the holidays.¬† I just . . . hate having to acknowledge that my mother is going to die.¬† I can’t even IMAGINE my life without her in it.¬† I’ve been her life, since I was born.¬† I have so many hopes and dreams for my mother.¬† I want her to live a carefree life, at least 5 years.¬† So i can see my mother without the struggle.¬† Cuz it’s been a struggle much more often than it’s not.¬† My mother DESERVES better life.¬† I want to give that to her.¬† Because i couldn’t thank her enough for everything she’s done for me.¬† IF i wrote it a million times a day, it wouldn’t be enough. I’m almost at the point where I want to beg God, Please Please Please let me have this option.¬† And that’s selfish.¬† I understand that.¬† Everything has a reason, everything happens for a reason.¬† But Please Please Please God, help me help my mom to live her best life.¬† Please.
  2. I think I’ve met the person who is going to be my male companion for the rest of my life. Or rather, one of them.¬† That’s weird.¬† But he’s . . . . stable. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.¬† Because . . . . NO.
  3. Drugs are amazing.¬† LEGAL Drugs are amazing.¬† They make life easier to handle.¬† Everything in moderation tho.¬† I’m low-key worried about my . . . dependence on sleep helpers.¬† Like, am I going to live the rest of my life unable to sleep without some type of medicinal help?
  4. BIG K.R.I.T. is Life.¬† If you don’t know . . . now you do.
  5. Have this innate fear of talking about my personal life on this blog and/or social media now.¬† I feel like there were, in the past, people I thought were friends who saw me happy and wished unhappiness on me.¬† I know this may slightly appear to be irrational, but it is what the FUCK it is.¬† I’ve felt like there was someone in my life, who pretended to be my friend, but hated me.¬† I think they had access to my personal life, and details about it, then very specifically plotted against me.¬† And because I was just walking around clueless, I didn’t protect myself like I should have.¬† I didn’t know I needed to pray about people trying to cause me harm.
  6. I miss #TheHim. I miss how he felt, and smelled, and looked at me.¬† I know I shouldn’t, and my pride won’t let me contact him.¬† But I miss him sofa king much lately.
  7. I’ve self diagnosed myself as being Bi-Polar with symptoms of Hypomania. This is because of an article I read on Facebook. I’m probably right about this.¬† Google it, and see if it doesn’t describe me almost perfectly.
  8. I just saw the FINEST black man at the Club House Gym.¬† Guess who’s going to start working out here. New stalkee’s always bring me joy.
  9. I’m not a stalker . . . . anymore.¬† I miss that side of me.
  10. IRRRRRRRRRRRNADIMM. INAOTNE. IAEAVFT, ATHTTAFMBASPHHEAUX . . . . I’ll never forgive that bitch.
  11. I miss college, or rather the music of college.  If I had known that I would regret not making up diss trolls to every song that plays these days, I would have probably been in better shape back then.
  12. People keep calling me skinny.¬† It’s annoying. (This is in response to my recent weight loss.¬† I’m smaller, but I ain’t nowhere NEAR skinny and never will be.)
  13. This took me 2 days to write, cuz I got distracted by a guy at Starbucks.  I mean, he was there to see me . . . so there is that.
  14. Edibles are AMAZING.  Anyone who tells you different is a Lying Ass Liar.
  15. Thanx for reading!

 

The Whiteness Spectrum – Explained

***This blog is meant to educate, not offend.
If you you feel some kind of way, Remember, Hit Dogs Holler.***

During a conversation with one of my clients (who is African American), she was lamenting on the phenomenon of White people speaking to us (African American People) like we are idiots. Sometimes it’s overt other times subtle, but it happens all the damn time. ¬†As I worked on trying to prevent her from punching this lady in the face, I offered her my theory on The Whiteness¬†Spectrum.

“She’s a low functioning White Woman, you have to cut her some slack.”

As with any Spectrum, you have to make concessions at times for those who are lower functioning. ¬†You can’t really be mad at them, because they often don’t know any better. ¬†I present, to those of you who haven’t closed out the blog yet, The Whiteness Spectrum – Explained.


If life was a point system, White people start out about 100 points ahead. From birth. Based purely on the fact that they were born White. The point system might look something like this:

White: +100
Black: 0
Light skinned Black: +25
Born Racially Ambiguous: +40
Hispanic (in the US): +25
Caucasian Featured Hispanic (in the US): +50
Asian (in the US): +75

There are – of course – factors that can add to/subtract from, your overall point total.

Poverty (while White): -50
Poverty (while Person of Color): -100
White Male Privilege: +100
White Female Fragility: +150
Born Black Male: -50
Born Black Woman: -75
White LGBT: -25
LGBT Person of Color: -50
Born in to Wealth: +100
Physically Disabled: -50
Form of Mental Illness (while White): -10
Form of Mental Illness (while POC): -25
Developmental Disability (while White): -25
Developmental Disability (while POC): -50
Good Credit: +50
Bad Credit: -50
Single Parent Household: -25
Higher Education (while White): +100
Higher Education (while POC): +50
Higher Education (while Black): +35
Lives 200% above the the poverty line (while White): +75
Live 200% above the poverty line (while POC): +50
Exposure to other cultures (while White): +25
Exposure to other cultures (while POC): +50
Drug Addiction (while White): -25
Drug addiction (while POC): -75
Childhood Trauma (while White): – 50
Childhood Trauma (while POC): – 150

The math is important, because it will help you to understand this next part. ¬†The lower your score, the higher you rate on The Whiteness Spectrum.¬† I’ve envisioned this spectrum ranging from Low to High Functioning, using the following explanations.

*This isn’t an exact Science, obviously.*


kate

Low Functioning:

Those people who have never had to work for anything. It’s simply been handed to them their whole lives. Born White, the term average is based on their life experience. ¬†They are the litmus test for all national polls, survey’s, studies, etc. Life has been good to them for the most part. ¬†The things that happen to some people, those events in life that build internal strength and fortitude, they passed these people right on by. They know nothing more than their own world. They have no real concept of need, barely ever want for anything. They’ve never went without life’s basic necessities.

These can also be people that use their Privilege as a weapon to attack others. The Racists, the Homophobes, the Xenophobes, the White Nationalists, etc. The people who cut in line or constantly scream, “But I was Told By Apple Care!!!” Those who refuse to see their status quo change.

They’ve never had to “do the work.” ¬†They’ve never had to look at their child and explain why dinner is just Kraft Mac & Cheese. ¬†They’ve never had to struggle in front of a classroom because they couldn’t read. ¬†They’ve never had to step outside themselves and sacrifice for their younger siblings to have clothing/shoes. They are easily frustrated/annoyed when having to deal with something outside their scope of life experience.

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Mild to Moderate Functioning:

Those people who have stumbled in their life. Maybe labeled ADHD, or raised by a single parent after a divorce. ¬†Maybe they were chubby/fat as a youth, or had a crush on someone who rejected them. ¬†They’ve felt hurt/pain/disappointment on more than a few occasions. ¬†Maybe they went to public school, and happened to make friends with a Person of Color. Maybe they saw Mississippi Burning in middle school, and thought to themselves, “Well, that’s fucked up!”

They’ve signed some petitions about Global Warming, they might even vote Democrat. They have a Black Friend. They still remember that one time in high school when everyone walked out because the new AP grading system wasn’t fair. ¬†They have thoughts about how to change the world, but they usually keep them to themselves.

Stirring the pot isn’t really their style, but they will march if everyone else is going too. They converse with like minded friends/colleagues about the current state of the world, but they aren’t quite affected {yet}.

1010-shailene-woodley-mug-3

High Functioning:

Raised in the worst neighborhoods, or even in the Foster Care System. Affected by abuse in it’s many forms, either done to them or seen as a child that was done to a parent. Bullied as a child, or even as an adult. Fought poverty to make something of themselves, had a mentor/coach/teacher who believed in them when no one else did. Maybe had a parent or parents who insisted they be involved in the Model UN. ¬†Went to college on some kind of financial aid or scholarship, and fought to keep it.

Took classes that no one else was taking, joined clubs just to learn about new cultures. ¬†Joined a Black Greek Letter Organization, and not just because they liked the “dancing.” Attends every march, and not just to spectate. Knew about the Dakota Access Pipeline protests BEFORE it was being covered on the news. ¬†Unfriends people on Facebook for saying/posting/liking stupid, ignorant, racist shit. Fights with family members who voted for 45.

They put in the work.  They see injustice, and decide to use their Privilege in a positive way to help others.  Understands they even have Privilege in the first place. Asks the hard questions, and wants to have the hard conversations for the sake of understanding.  Helps others in their job or in their spare time, sometimes both. Strives to make the world a better place for everyone, not just them.


As stated, this isn’t an exact science. ¬†It’s not based on anything but my observations throughout my life. This is how I am trying to figure out how to deal with my daily life experiences. I welcome feedback ūüôā

Based on the point system, where do you range? Is it accurate?

No More Mediocre 

I’m tired of mediocre people. I’m tired of mediocre people in power. I’m tired of mediocre people with power and privilege. I’m tired of mediocre people with power and privilege having any sort of say in the everyday workings of my life. 
I’ve spent most of my adulthood, being forced to deal with mediocre people in positions of power. There was a time when I didn’t really care. But it seems that since around January 20th, 2009…this shit has really come to the forefront. My contemporaries elected the first black President, and folks lost their gotdamn minds. 

The people who voted for the Only President I will ever claim, all of a sudden felt all their years of benefiting from their privilege no longer mattered. They felt they should be rewarded for their charity, and race should no longer be a part of any dialogue. 
You shouldn’t be rewarded. No one is going to clap for you. No one cares about your political act of charity. The movie Get Out just solidified some things I’ve been thinking out for the past year. I’m tired of mediocre people in positions of power (both minute and great) demanding respect they haven’t earned. 

I don’t have to respect, like, or care about you (or your feelings) just because you are a liberal (white) woman. I have the right to deny you that respect. Because, my people are free. I am notafraid of you, and in truth never have been. Because you didn’t earn your power, it was handed to you. 
The anger that comes, from knowing I’m better than people and yet I’m not afforded the same access and privilege they are. Some of this I can’t control….but there is a reason I have a therapist. Cuz sometimes that anger can be overwhelming. The difference between them and me…my knowing I’m better than you doesn’t make me address you differently. 

I don’t want your power. I don’t even want your privilege (I mean the good credit yes, but other than that….) I’m good.  
Being black is beautiful. It’s a blessing. At 35 I can say that and understand that phrase. There is nothing better in this world than an intelligent black American woman. Because we have carried the burdens of this country since it’s inception. 

The difference between “Us and Them”, we don’t want your power or your privleges. We just want to be able to create our own, without you trying to take it and make it yours. 

I don’t want your job. I know I can do your job better than you can. So do you, and that’s why you hate me.  I’m starting to believe that it’s some times in the very nature of mediocre people, to ruin any semblance of greatness. LET ME BE GREAT! My greatness doesn’t block your shine…its not meant to. 

I’m great at everything. This country created me to be a jack of all trades. I have to master everything, because survival is key. That’s why I can adapt to everything, because genetically I’m here because my ancestors did the same thing. The strong and resilient ones were the ones that lived. They killed the rest of them. 


I’m so tired of having to dim my light to make mediocre people feel comfortable. I’m so tired of code switching to keep my attitude in check. I’m so fucking tired of being told to stay in my place, because some sensitive ass mediocre bitch is sensitive and feels challenged. 
Wanna know why everyone likes me, cuz I’m honest. I know exactly who and what I am. When I say to them, “We dont judge,” its not empty words. I actually mean that shit. People gravitate towards truth, and those who try to destory it will never win. 

Call this a manifesto of sorts, if you will. My light is finna blind (but not block) these mediocre ass people. 

I am Amazing. I am Beautiful, I am a Genius, and I am indeed Better Than You. This is my truth. I’m living in it. 

Sorry, Not Sorry.

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Dear MJ,

By now, you’ve been in college for 3 whole weeks. ¬†Enjoy it, this is the best time of your life. ¬†This is where you meet the people who change your life forever. ¬†Savor the geographical closeness of friends, and take full advantage of every new experience. ¬†Try everything at least once, take pictures of everything. ¬†It doesn’t stay like this forever. ¬†There are some very dark times ahead. ¬†You will use the happiness of this year to get you through some of those times. ¬†Be Glad I warned you.

On Friendship . . . 

The people you meet in these 4 years, are¬†your family. ¬†Not just friends in passing, but the shoulders you will cry on when life is falling apart. ¬†You will leave college with Brothers would would fight a bear for you. ¬†You will leave with Sisters who will fight that same bear, and probably send evil text messages to that bear’s whole family for years, just because they love you. ¬†Some of the people you start this journey with, won’t make it until the end. ¬†You will lose great friends, but find them again ¬†. . . even if it takes 17 more years to reconnect. MJ, these friends are lifetime friends. ¬†Don’t take them for granted.

On Your Hair . . . 

MJ, you are going natural in 1999. ¬†A full 10 years before the Natural Revolution. ¬†Good Job being a pioneer. ¬†Going natural for you was a necessity, and not a protest of the white man’s wish that you assimilate to European standards of beauty. ¬†You just don’t know how to do your hair, and that’s okay. ¬† But your hair is beautiful, enjoy the texture. ¬†You are Beautiful, MJ. Everything about you is Beautiful. Sadly, no one is going to recognize you need to hear that from time to time. ¬†You won’t feel beautiful until your 20’s,¬†¬†But I’m telling you now.

On Your Career . . .

Right now, you are probably sitting in your programming class, wondering how the hell you are going to program a damn computer to play Rock Paper Scissors with you. ¬†You are going to get your first failing grade on a test. ¬†Don’t worry, it’s going to get better!

You are going to find your calling, Children.  You are going to go through a few different phases.  Education, Tutoring, and you are going to land on Social Work.  God put you on this earth, MJ, to help children.  You are great at it.  You will make a lasting impact on hundreds of children.

Sadly, the profession you choose isn’t gonna keep them pockets fat. ¬†You are going to end up being the poor friend. ¬†Except, you won’t figure that out until you are 34. ¬†You learn to survive with what you have. ¬†Some years are going to be much worse than others, but as you get closer to your true purpose, you will figure out how be handle your money better.

Money is going to cause you to shed some tears, some ugly ass tears. ¬†But MJ, you will survive it. ¬†So keep going, even when you feel like you can’t.

On Love . . . 

People are going to break your heart. ¬†Remember those dark times I was talking about . . . The first time is coming in about 10 months. ¬†Don’t try to stop it. ¬†He’s your soulmate. ¬†That kind of love is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. ¬†He’s going to stay with you the rest of your life. ¬†But losing it, is going to break you.

I mean, devastate you, and no one around you will see it. ¬†No one around you will recognize the signs of depression, because Black People Don’t Get Depressed. ¬†It takes about 10 years, but he comes back, and he’s one of your best friends.

True Love is something you are going to look for in almost every person you meet, which is stupid. ¬†Nora Roberts fucked you on that. ¬†There is no such thing. ¬†It’s just emotional connections that work out or not. ¬†The other two guys, who will both break your heart by the way, they aren’t bad people. ¬†They just couldn’t handle you, and how intense you can be. ¬†Calm the fuck down, MJ. Take it slowly. ¬†Stop trying to make every guy your future husband. ¬†Calm the FUCK Down.

On Sex . . . 

You are going to waste your college years. ¬†This is the time in life, when you should be whoring it up. But you won’t, because they told you men only marry the good girls. ¬†THEY LIED. Men marry the Jump Offs. ¬†You are going to be SO PISSED once you figure that out. ¬†Sorry girl, you should have been a heaux. You had the PERFECT dating app, Greek Life. And what are you gonna do, MJ? Be friends with everyone. ¬†Dumb Ass.

However, your greatest sexual encounters are going to be with people you’ve been friends with most of¬†your life. ¬†So that’s something, right MJ? You can hold out for that, you’ve only got like 13 more years to wait.

On Your Sexual Identity . . .

It’s okay that you like girls too. ¬†It’s okay that you have crushes on girls in college. ¬†Even though you grew up in church, and they told you something was wrong with you because you liked girls . . . It’s okay. Even though people in your family drop the F-Word with ease, and try to shame their male children for being sensitive . . . it’s OKAY.

It’s perfectly NORMAL to be BiSexual. You will be happier once you stop hiding it. ¬†And you are going to meet some amazing people that help you get there. ¬†Let Your Flag Fly MJ. It’s okay to be Queer.

Finally, MJ . . . 

These plans you have right now for your life, on who you are going to be, and where you are going to end up . . . WRONG. Stop trying to be like everyone else. ¬†You aren’t. ¬†You are so Different, and Special, and Beautiful, and Unique. ¬†There is no one in this world like you. Your personal freedom will come, when you embrace yourself.

Stop comparing yourself to your friends, it won’t bode well for you. ¬†Be Proud of who you are, in that moment. ¬†Every single tear is going to be worth it. ¬†The pain won’t last always, MJ. You are going to make it. ¬†And it’s going to be Spectacular.

I’m Proud of You MJ,

34 Year Old You.

Truth Is . . . . I’m Tired

I used to tell everyone what was going on with me. ¬†My Facebook used to be a minute by minute detailing of every emotion, action, and life event. ¬†I didn’t expect people to wonder where I was, I told them . . .often.

Slowly, I’ve become the opposite. ¬†With every Black Child/Man/Woman who has been killed at the hands of the “authorities,” I’ve slowly shut down. I’ve kept my problems to myself, because they seem quite trivial in the face of Systematic Racism and Murder. ¬†No one told me to stop talking, I just don’t.

With every new hashtag, and every¬†new addition to the “Dangerous to do While Black” list, I’ve become more and more reclusive. ¬†I seem to have collapsed inside myself, and I’m not even sure if I want to come out at this point. ¬†It’s hard at this point, when every single time I open my FB or my Twitter, I’m seeing pictures of people being killed by police, or videos of the aftermath of someone being killed. ¬†Or watching a press conference where a family member breaks down.

Black Pain has become fodder for all to consume.  Even when you try to ignore it, someone is tagging you in a post, or sending you a link.  I tried to escape to Instagram today, and all the Black Celebs that were a day late, and several dollars were posting the videos, or even still pics of crime scenes.  That shit HURTS.  It causes my body to cease up in pain, because I feel every bullet.  I can feel the pain of every mother crying out for their lost child.

This . . . situation . . . has been weighing on me since the Trayvon Martin Trial (We don’t say his killer’s name). I thought about all the children I’ve taught, and the smiles on their faces, and just felt lost.¬†Because I can’t save them. ¬†I can’t hold them close, and make sure they are going to live forever. ¬†I can’t even guarantee that a trip to the pool won’t end in abuse. ¬†I can’t tell them walking to the store won’t end their death. ¬†My crew is driving now, I can’t guarantee they won’t get pulled over and killed during a “routine” traffic stop.

That existence, the fact that I live in a world where this is the Norm, TERRIFIES me. ¬†Since my seizure, my emotions have started to work differently. ¬†I don’t understand them. ¬†In addition to that, and I know this sounds crazy, I’ve been having prophetic dreams. ¬†Nothing normal like, “so and so is pregnant,” or “you should play these numbers tomorrow.” ¬†No, I wake up in tears, trying to stop screams from escaping my mouth so my mom doesn’t hear me.

On ¬†the morning of June 12th, I had the¬†scariest dream to date. ¬†My mom and I had gone to a club to see someone perform, and we were having a great time. ¬†All of a sudden people were running and screaming, “There is an Arabic Guy coming to kill us!” We guided everyone into the bathroom, and we were all huddled in one stall. ¬†As he walked in the bathroom, I turned to my mom and told her I loved her, because I knew we were going to die. ¬†Then I woke up.

I checked my phone to see news of the Pulse nightclub shooting. ¬†I haven’t been right since. ¬†Because, What the FUCK?!?! If that’s a Gift from God, I’m not sure how he expects me to use it. ¬†Since that dream, I’ve only been able to¬†remember parts of. ¬†But I’m still afraid of where my mind will take me some nights. This World . . . This World is stressing me OUT.

I haven’t even talked about what’s been going on in my LIFE this year. ¬†I probably won’t. Because my burdens are small compared to those of others. ¬†Problems have come up, I’ve solved them, the best way I know how. ¬†Maybe, when I’m famous, I’ll talk about how my life changed in 2016. ¬†‘Cuz it surely has.

This post is all over the place. It’s not very coherent (in my opinion). But I promised my Therapist (yes, I have one of those now) I would take at least 15 minutes to write. And I try to keep my promises, especially when they are basically homework toward healing.