Those are my first two. The first one is No More Drama in Arabic. In my defense, I got it before 9/11, in Feb 2000 to be exact. I was clearly inspired by the Mary J Blige song that came out the year before. I was going to have a whole story down my back. The second part of said story was the Drama mask (Comedy + Tragedy). Following that should have been be a peace sign, then finally a ying/yang when I felt balanced in my life. But the mask hurt WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much, so the story ended there. (For Know)
My 3rd Tattoo is a Butterfly on my foot. That hurt like a Son of a Bitch! Evidently, even if your feet are swollen, it’s still the part of your body with the least amount of fat, thus you are basically tattooing muscle. I cried so hard y’all. My friends made fun of me. I blogged about it too.
This is my foot. The Left Foot. Sooooooooooo, there is a weird story about this one. So I was reading 50 Shades of Grey, and going through a massive break-up. John Mayer’s Born and Raised had just come out, and I heard the song “Love is a Verb.” I MIGHT have called my ex and sang this on his voicemail. MIGHT is the keyword. I had been awake for about 48 hours, and getting this tattoo’ed on my body for the rest of my life, was like the greatest Idea I’d ever had. Sleep deprivation will make you do some CRAZY things. The songstill means a lot to me. It’s a reminder to Walk theTalk as it were.
My next Tattoo will be the words, “Adulting is Hard;” as inspired by the SemiColon Project, followed by my nephew’s date of death. Hopefully I will be getting this one before the end of the year.
So I decided to let John Mayer be my guide while I write this blog. It’s probably not going to be coherent, but I can promise that it will be nothing but the truth.
Dreaming with a Broken Heart
“I never want to love someone that much again.” It’s something we all say after a break-up. After you have cried all the tears you need to cry, you decide to hide your heart, and never again be taken in by the words of another man. It’s not even so much out of hate or anger, it’s out of self-preservation. It bothers me when people close to me have told me I’ve changed recently.
They say I have become distant, and not like the person I was BEFORE. What I can’t seem to relate to anyone is that I was UnHappy BEFORE. I might have been miserable at times DURING, but it beat the hell out of BEFORE. I’d gotten so good at lying to myself that clearly the lie had been spread all over the place. AFTER, I’m still trying to figure out how to put all the pieces back together.
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….
Gravity
This is actually my favorite John Mayer Song. But only the live versions. When I saw John Mayer, this is the song that made me cry.
Gravity, Is working against me. And Gravity, wants to bring me down.
That’s how you feel, when everything you had started to build crumbles around you. Every hope, dream, and Fairy tale just disappeared, and you have to cope with that realization and move on. Right now in my life, is when poverty really bothers me. Not because I’m starving, but because I didn’t get a chance to fall apart this time. I couldn’t retreat in a corner, and deal with my heart changing. LIFE got in the way. Other people’s problems mattered more, other people’s health mattered more, than me crying over losing my heart.
All I’ve wanted to do, for the last 3 months, is disappear. Just stay in my house, and be sad. Not talk to anyone, or see anyone, and just be still. To stop the world around me from spinning out of control for just a minute. So that I can process and learn from this experience and get rid of some of the hate, anger, and bitterness that it left inside me.
Friends, Lovers or Nothing
I should have played this song every morning. To remind myself of the fact, that Question was never answered. What were we? Who was I to you, really? It was never a secret what he was to me, but I’m starting to believe that everything he said was a half-truth. Just enough to tide me over until the next time that I questioned what we were doing. I needed constant confirmation that I wasn’t wasting my time. That I wasn’t giving my heart to someone who could never love me the way that I needed to be loved. In the end, it doesn’t really matter does it, what we were. I think it matters more what I felt we were.
Anything other than Yes is No, anything other than Stay is Go, anything less than I Love You is Lying . . .
Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me
Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad, I’ll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me
Love Is a Verb
This song meant so much to me, I got it tattooed on my foot. It’s so simple when you think about it. Love is indeed a Verb. It requires action to show its presence. If those actions aren’t there, how do you know for sure? Words are beautiful, but they can damage you much more than actions at times. I know now, not to be wowed by the words, but instead to demand action. This doesn’t mean flowers and candy. This means, to me: Attention, Devotion, Dedication, Understanding, and Honesty. As every person is different, they are going to demonstrate this differently. But, I’m going to be much more cautious next time. Much less invested, until I know that some of this has taken place.
When you show me love I don’t need your words Yeah love ain’t a thing Love is a verb
So this is where I am today. Good or Bad, It’s where I am. Coping, and dealing every day. Trying to rebuild, and move on without fear taking over.
DeMarco is married. According to his wife, they have the Perfect Marriage. What she doesn’t know, is that as a Sports Manager, DeMarco has his pick of jump-offs every weekend when he travels with his clients. He never planned to be faithful to his wife, his father was a player and so is he. He knows what he has going for him. He’s paid, he looks good, and he has the money to back up anything he says. His arrogance is going to eventually catch up to him . . . . .
Theme Song: What These Bitches Want from a Nigga – DMX
Camille - The Executive
Camille is an executive Vice-President of a Fortune 500 company. She handles her business, and doesn’t have time for bullshit. She barely has time for herself, and definitely doesn’t have time to be in a committed relationship. The easiest way to satisfy her needs, and still be able to stay on top at work is a No-Strings-Attached type relationship. The Married/In a Relationship type man gets it all done. He can’t stay, she won’t be attached, and they can both can go on their merry way at the end of the night. But the story behind her mindset is a doozy . . . .
Theme Song: Love is a Losing Game – Amy Winehouse
Anthony - College Athlete
Anthony is on the brink of National Stardom. After being Red-Shirted his Freshman Year, he’s finally a starter. Breaking record after record, he is on the radar of every major news outlet. With the national attention comes the Women. But Anthony has a girlfriend. They have been together since they were 15, and he is determined to make it work. He’s slipped up a few times, and she always took him back. But how long with that last…..
Theme Song: Number One – John Legend
Samantha - The Loyal Girlfriend
Samantha has been in love with Anthony since she was 11 years old. She knew him before he was “Terrible Tony.” She understands that Fame has gone to his head a little bit but she thinks that underneath it all, he’s still a Good Guy. But while she’s trying to make sure she is being all she can be for her man, a blast from the past might just change everything . . .
Theme Song: Is She the Reason – Destiny’s Child
Gavin - The Guy Next Door
Gavin seems to be the All American Boy. Good Grades, good looks, good background, he’s John Mayer without the hint of DoucheBag. A chance meeting at the Student Union puts him back in touch with Samantha and begins a series of events that will forever change all of their lives . . .
Theme Song: Follow Me – Uncle Kracker
Tanya - Side Chick Personified
Tanya has been a side chick for a LONG TIME. Her mother was a Side Chick to a very famous Politician, and she taught her daughter at a very young age, “Anything worth having, is worth stealing from another person.” She doesn’t care who you belong to, if you have something she wants, she will make sure she finds a way to make her give it to you. She looks at her relationships as business interactions. Everyone is pleased at the end of the transaction, and they have no reason to complain. Tanya and her crew, affectionately referred to as “The Gaggle of Bitches,” know exactly how the Side Chick Game is to be played . . .
Theme Song: If Your Girl Only Knew – Aaliyah
Doesn’t it sound all dramatical! Stay Tuned, The Story Begins August 12th (life got crazy)
This song, and these thoughts have been on my mind since I first heard this album. John Mayer is my fictional White BoyFriend, and I’m okay with that. I know I have talked about this song to some one my friends, but I feel the need to share exactly the emotions that come from listen to Edge of Desire on Repeat for a day straight.
This song is the epitome of all things sexual, to me. When I first heard this song, I was just amazed at the guitar in the background. It seemed to slowly build up, taking me to a place I have never been able to reach in any of my physical encounters with someone of the opposite sex. This song, the melody, the instrumentation is to me, the oral representation of making love.
“Young, and full of running, Tell me where is that taking me
Just a great, figure eight, a tiny Infinity.
Love Is, Really Nothing, But Dream that keeps waking me . . .
For all of my trying, I still end up dying, how can this be?
The French call an Orgasm, “Le Petit Morte.” Or the Tiny Death . . .
This song is what you wanted your first time to feel like – a slow build up to perfection. It includes being open about exactly what you feel, trying to figure out how to tell this person, exactly what they DO to you. It’s almost impossible to put into words how it feels to COMPLETELY Open yourself up to another person, to give them control of everything you hold so closely to yourself.
There are so many songs on my “He Can Get The Business,” Playlist. . . .
This will be on the He Is My Business Playlist.
“Don’t say a Word just come over, and Lie Here With Me.
‘Cuz I’m Just about to set fire, to everything I see.
I want you so bad, I’d go back on the things I believe,
There I just said It, I’m scared you’ll forget about me . . . “
Have you ever just wanted someone so bad, even though it’s completely irrational. It’s makes no sense to you, or even to them. And you are almost willing to lose yourself IN them, because of how you feel about that person. I WANT that kind of desire for whoever I end up with. To want them so much, that I can’t even FATHOM looking for another person. And I want them to feel that way about me as well.
“So young, full of running, all the way to the Edge of Desire . . .
Steady not Breathing, Silently Screaming, I HAVE TO HAVE NOW!
Wired, and I’m Tired, Think I’ll sleep in my clothes on the floor,
Maybe this mattress, Will spin off it’s Axis, and find me on Yours . . . “
I have never really been into the theatrics of Love-Making, probably because I’ve never done it. But this song right here . . . . WHOOOOOOO Chile’ . . . .
The instrumental break is that point right before the climax. When all the work you have put into making this person happy comes to Fruition. You are fighting each other, trying to make the other person lose all control Firat . . . and then it hits you both at the same time.
BOOM
That is what Love Should Feel Like!
The moment when he comes back in, and he has to scream how he feels about this woman, who leaves him feeling so lost and vulnerable that he can’t take it anymore. You love this person so much you would do anything to make them stay. You would forget about your rules and your boundaries, just to have them stay with you, and hold you, and love you for that time you have together.
“. . . there I just said it, I’m Scared You’ll Forget About Me. . . “
I am waiting, patienltly, for the man that leaves me on the Edge of Desire. That can take me there just by talking to me. When the conversation about NOTHING, leads to us falling into bed together, to just physically express all the emotions we feel for each other.
When the words are no longer enough, and you can’t find the right gesture, or a card or an object that lets that person know they put you on the edge, I recommend you play them this song.
Maybe it’s just me . . . . Maybe it’s the 13 months of Purity . . . .Maybe I just like Electric Guitars . . . .
Almost a year ago to the day, I wrote a note called Scared of Lonely/Hello. The note was partially based on my obsession with Beyonce’s new album. But it also came from my frustration at being a single black woman staring down the barrel of the “Why aren’t you in a relationship like everybody else?” 12 Gauge Shot Gun.
It was born from every woman’s innate fear that they will end up old and alone, with 150+ cats and no teeth. We all, secretly, have that fear. At that time the chorus of Beyonce’s Song, Scared of Lonely, really helped me put my thoughts and fears into words.
I’m Scared of Lonely
I’m scared of being the only
Shadow I see along a wall . . .
And I’m scared the only heart beat
I hear a beating is my own
And I’m scared of been alone
I can’t seem to breathe when I am lost
In this dream, I need you to hold me
I’m Scared of Lonely . . .
So, a year has passed. How do I feel about being “alone” in a sea of happy loving relationships? At least four people very close to me are engaged. Every new person I have met since moving to Arizona is married or in a long term committed relationship. Three of my good friends who were scared of lonely right along with me, are now happy and content in the arms of a man who loves them. My personal feelings then,
“I am TERRIFIED of Lonely, cuz she’s a sneaky Hoe. Sitting in her ’86 Ford Escort, with the souped up engine that her Ex bought her . . .That Bitch is there, waiting, lurking, hoping for the chance when something will trigger her to come back. . .
This is Lonely’s Ride
For such a long time, being single seemed to be portrayed as the ultimate failure for a woman. Somehow you weren’t doing something right, you weren’t good enough, you were somehow at fault for being another single female in this world. I don’t know when I realized that Single doesn’t equal Lonely or Alone. But I am so glad that I did!
Oooooh, Now I Get It!
It was such an “Ah Ha!” moment for me. You mean, it’s OKAY for me to like myself?!? I don’t have to be completed by the presence of a male in my life?!? Son of a Bitch! After that epiphany, and the required conversation with my mother to confirm my suspicions that I had been lied to for YEARS by the media, I immediately started to embrace what Single means.
Single Means: When it’s time for overtime at the office, you get called first, because you don’t have kids or a significant other that are waiting for you
Single Means: I choose what I want to do with my time
Single Means: I choose what I do with my money
Single Means: I can hit as many houses as I want to for the Major Get-Free-Food Holidays
Single Means: If I choose to spend all my money on an impromtu trip to Detroit, the only person who suffers is me
Single Means: I can be as selfish as I want to be!
If my embrace of the word Single wasn’t enough, the Famous White Man Crush aka John Mayer, put my feelings into such beautiful words I actually had to open my Twitter Account {@ThatLadyJoy No PreauxMeaux} to tell him how much I appreciated his lyrical Genius on the song Perfectly Lonely!
Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
That’s is all I need
I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely
Yeaah…
Cause I don’t belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me
I mean really! The man is a genius! But more than marveling, it made me think about the fact that I don’t answer to anyone but myself. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. And a great big F*ck You if you have a problem with it. I’m still entirely too selfish to be in a relationship right now, and that’s actually okay.
Are You Ready for This?
My Soror Amber Pratcher was recently pontificating on the misconceptions many young women have in regards to finding a man. She herself is married, and she posted some of the most truthful things about what marriage/committed relationships require.
“Being married requires you to dig deep within yourself to step up emotionally and physically through low times & appreciate some1 who AINT U”
I can honestly say I am not ready for that, not at all. So until then, I am Perfectly Happy being Single! Big Ups to Natasha Bedingfield for this Oldie but Goodie!
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There’s no way I’m tradin’ places
Right now a star’s in the ascendant
I’m single (Right now)
That’s how I wanna be
I’m single (Right now)
That’s how I wanna be !
Joyful Words of Wisdom 