Free Write: Walking Into a New Era

1st Thing you Need to know, I make AMAZING Spotify Playlists. This is important to know because all my motivations to write lately have come from music. As I’ve been through some shit in the last year, I’ve made quite a few playlists. But this one I’m going to write about all day (because most of my students aren’t in school today, because it’s the day before break, and I have to look like I’m actually doing something today) is the playlist I created once I got out of Michigan. My life is COMPLETLY different now, so I needed some Inspirational Music to reflect that. Anytime I am feeling down, or ruminating about things that happened in the past, I can put this playlist on, and I immediately remember WHO THE FUCK I AM! (This Playlist is on shuffle, there might be some gospel after or before some sex music. Judge Ya Mammy!)

Grateful – Ebony Jenae

Gratitude saved my life. I don’t think I would have made it through that accident, the surgery, the recovery, the move, anything without CONSTANTLY Thanking God. I finally understand why the old folks I grew up around would just blurt out, THANK YA JESUS! The message I got through all of this is, Gratitude brings Blessings. Your life could ALWAYS be worse. No matter what is happening around you, it could be worse. You are still alive, and breathing, that alone is the ultimate Blessing. God saved my LIFE, and allowed me to get my kids into a safe and happy environment. If you EVER hear me complaining, remind me to Shut Up, and Thank God!

Head Above Water – Avril Lavigne

Sometimes, you find God in Pop song. Shouts to Avril for still being a relevant part of my life, 20 years later. This song was originally included in my White Girl Angst playlist. But this was definitely a fervent prayer in the last 6 months. Sometimes you just gotta call out to God. “I’m Drowning! Help me keep my head above Water!” If it wasn’t for those 3 beautiful Girls, I don’t know If I would be here. Every time I thought I can’t make it, it’s too hard, life is just too out of my control . . . one of those girls would come ask for a hug, or bring me a toy, or take some of my food. Being told I am Karma’s Best Friend on a daily basis . . . PRICELESS.

Haute – Janelle Monae

I’m in my Hot Girl Era. Sucks for you if you don’t have access. Cuz I look GOOD right now. All the stress for the last year, weight just fell off. My hair is finally Post-Partum, it’s growing quickly. My nails are as strong as Joyce’s. That Ass is SITTING, you hear me. If I reached out, it’s cuz you matter. Just an FYI. Cuz these DMs are NOT empty, they are popping. At this point, I ain’t trying to impress ANYBODY. I’m impressive JUST by being me. I Love Me, for Real. Honorable Mentions: WAP – Megan The Stallion feat. Cardi B and Ass Like That – Victoria Monet

Shake It Out – Florence and The Machine

This is what I have had to do this last year . . . just Shake some Shit Off. Can’t walk for 4 months . . . shake it off, you still gotta be a mother. Fiancé gone . . . shake it off, now you have a whole new world of possibilities. Getting Evicted . . . shake it off, now you get to move back to Arizona. Lost at least 3 friends who (you thought) were supposed to be in your wedding . . .shake it off, you were doing most of the emotional lifting anyway. Asked someone for help, they said they would, then went ghost on you . . . shake it off, it was time for that friendship to be over anyway. “Cuz it’s Hard to Dance with the Devil on your back, so Shake Him Off!” That’s exactly what I did. I’m so GRATEFUL for all the People/Places/Things that have fallen to the Wayside in this last year. Good Riddance!

So Good – Big Sean & Kash Doll

This song was written about me, that’s all you need to know.

Dope Girl Magic

Before I started on the journey that led to Motherhood, this was one of my FAVORITE songs to play to start my day. 5 YEARS LATER . . . I Stunt Different . . . I’m Dope cuz God listens to me. I’m Dope because I have a Genius 3 Year old, an engineering 2 year old, and a 1 year old that will take out her pacifier and yell “NAILED IT!” and then put it RIGHT back in. Being Dope looks different on me this year. Honorable Mentions: It’s Not My Fault – Renee Rapp ft. Megan the Stallion and Real Life – Cyn Santana

Float – Janelle Monae

The bridge is IT. “No, I’m Not the Same Nigga. I think I done Changed Nigga.” I don’t carry myself the same. I walk differently (I mean there is a limp, but that isn’t what I mean.) I present as confident now, maybe even overconfident to those who are intimidated by confidence. I just . . . know that God has my back. There is an extra pep in your step, when you are walking with the Magic of the Universe. You can float through certain things, events, even people. Because I know (GOD HAS) I have this handled. I won’t fail, because I’ve learned in the last year that God won’t let me. The Universe has my Front, Back and Middle. I’m so GRATEFUL I know God on my own. Not what I was taught, or what I learned in church. Being in tune, and really seeing what he can do, if you just ask for help with Faith/Confidence. Fear and Doubt really are The Devil.

I’ll Be Around – Cee-Lo Green ft. Timbaland

I know Cee-Lo got canceled or whatever, but this song GOES. Plus, I didn’t know he was a creep when I fell in love with this song. Stop judging me! Top 5 Timbaland beat, he was on his SHIT when he produced this. Okay, but really, this song (and it’s Chorus) are a Special Shout Out to The Unicorn. K Thanx Bye. Honorable Mentions: Sex with Me – Rihanna, Big Ole Freak – Meg tha Stallion, Don’t Cha – The Pussycat Dolls.

Can You Stand the Rain? – New Edition

I’m not looking for fair-weather friends. I need solid ass people. Who don’t disappear during times of crisis. That check on me, too. That ask what sizes the Girls wear cuz they saw something at Target. That come over and cry with you when you need them to. That come to AZ for a conference and book a hotel that lets my kids play all weekend. Those are the kind of people that my circle MUST consist of. This is also the kind of Partner I want. Everything was all good, until I wasn’t the person taking care of everything. The minute the dynamic and distribution of tasks/work/responsibilities changed . . . so did he. So he had to go. We are doing Support and Peace, we are doing Guidance and Structure, Love and Harmony. That is all I will accept. Love is great . . . but it’s not going to maintain a stable relationship.

Thriving – Mary J. Blige ft. Nas

My entire life has been Survival. Most of my decisions have been made out of desperation or a need to stop the water from leaking out of the boat, at that time. Patching up problems is a thing of the past. I’m living a life I couldn’t even imagine a year ago. I am free of other people’s burdens. My only responsibilities are my 3 children, who I love more than myself. The LOVE they show me on a daily basis. I remember loving Joyce that much. It’s such a blessing to feel that, but also a pressure to do it right. To make sure when they look back at their childhood, they don’t have very many things they have to heal from.

On My Mama – Victoria Monet

This is Karma’s favorite song. This is her every time request. I just need to say, those kids had to be born. Whatever I went through, it was all worth it. Because being a mother is LITERALLY the best thing ever. The BEST feeling is picking up Karma from Daycare. The minute she sees me, EVERYTHING gets dropped. The amount of times I’ve been introduced to snotty children during drop-off/pick-up. I feel like a celebrity. Even THAT is a blessing, because Joyce did NOT do public displays of affection until I was a full grown adult. Karma being proud I’m her mom . . . . PRICELESS!

Thanx for Reading. The Link to the playlist is right below. I hope you enjoy!

Back in MY day . . .(or) We (too) Old for some of this Shit.

I realized I was an adult the day I said to my child, “Shut all that Hollerin’ Up, I’m trying to watch My Stories!” It was like the spirit of Nana (Miss Alma Jones for the uninformed) had entered my body. I’ve started yelling at my kids to stop leaving the doors open and the lights on. I just bought a new couch, and I am really considering putting plastic over the whole thing. Kids be touching EVERYTHING. With Doritos dust and Chocolate, and God knows what else on their hands. Why are kids like this? Why do they constantly show me how old I am.

I completely understand now.

Unbeknownst to my Nana, I wanted to be like her when I grew up. I wanted to smoke cigarettes, and have the little pouch they fit in – along with my paper money and change – resting on my ample bosom. I wanted to wear the BADDEST corsets around, and be the lady that hummed and sang during church services. I wanted to know why she always called out to the Lord when she stood up after sitting a long time.  I wanted to only want to drink an Ice Cold Pepsi out of a tall glass full of Ice, and just be.

But Nana smoked Newport’s tho

I realized I had turned into her when I had the summer camp in 2022 at my house. I did all those things, every single one of them . . .but not on purpose. I missed growing up. So much was happening in my life, I missed the switch from young adult to Grown Ass Woman. They don’t give you a party? No Parade? No flowers? That’s some bullshit. My whole world view changed, and I didn’t even get a sticker. I just woke up one day – cooking food in a house dress, asking the baby to bring me her sister’s bottle, setting my alarm for 4:30am EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY and meaning it.

I’m a Grown Ass Woman

That being said, I feel a way about some stuff. Please allow me to get this shit off my chest. If you think what I say is about you . . . it is. Call Me or Fight Me. We Grown.

Stop Lying to Women

If you don’t wanna be faithful to her, tell her that shit. Y’all got girls out here happy as shit, thinking they got the worlds best man, bragging on shit, and you NOT who you keep telling her you are. If you KNOW you a Heaux, just be a Heaux. Or, find you a girl that wants to be a Heaux right along with you. Or, supports your Heaux-like ways. If you have to hide who the fuck you are from your partner, they shouldn’t be your partner. PERIODT.

Stop Being a Shitty Friend

Life has been Lifeing for everyone I know. People’s entire foundations have crumbled in the last 9-18 months. Folks have lost jobs, houses, parents, children, spouses, etc. The one thing that devastated me the most about the last 7 months of my life, are the friends that seemingly fell to the wayside. The minute my life schedule didn’t fit their life schedule . . . GHOST. Because I can’t call you in the brief time you have away from your overbearing partner, you just stop talking to me completely? You not answering text messages? You not responding to messages on Social Media? You can like a picture, but can’t pick up the phone? That shit is annoying, and fucking disrespectful. 

I’m talking about 5, 10, 15 year friendships that have all gone to the wayside in the last year, because I stopped making the effort to keep us connected. GodParents of some of my children, even. It take 3 secs to say, I’m having a tough time right now, but I love you. Make the FUCKING EFFORT. People who have held you down during YOUR crisis, but all of a sudden you can’t help them. I’m not talking about borrowing or giving money. I’m talking about emotional support. I’m talking about making sure people feel seen/heard/acknowledged during their time of crisis. We are at the age when folks can just drop dead at any minute. Don’t be that, “Damn, I wish I would have stayed in touch with her,” ass person.

Words don’t Mean Anything Anymore

I grew up in a time, when your status in the world around you, was based on who you REALLY were as a person. Your reputation was based on your actions, and how they affected other real people, in your real life. If you told someone you were going to do it, you did that shit. If you said to a person, “If you need anything, let me know,” you meant that. You didn’t just do it to look good on the internet. You didn’t commit to something, and then just quit because it required some sacrifice. The time in which I was raised…is officially the ‘Olden Days’ (as I used to call it when I was a kid). Folks don’t have no Honor, all people want is Clout. To be talked about via Social Media. Stuntin’ for the ‘Gram is what the Young Folks call it. How did WE get sucked into it? People MY age? We might be worse than the Young Folk. Cuz let my FB tell it . . .

I’ve decided to live my life in Gratitude. 

God saved my life 3 times last year. I’m alive, and will be forever Grateful that God spared my life and is letting me Raise My Children.

Let me tell you a quick-ish story:

Around this time, 20 years ago, I got my 1st real job since College Graduation. I saw a help wanted sign at a church daycare, and turned in to get an application. I was in shorts and t-shirt, no plans to do anything but hand over my resume and hope for a call back. When I walked in, my initial thought was: PURPLE. Everything had some kind of purple in it. This had to be a sign.

I introduced myself to the lady at the desk, handed over my resume, and thanked her for her time. “Well, let me check if Sister Morman has a quick second to talk.” When she walked in, the Classiest Lady I’d ever seen in person, she looked over my resume. Something she saw made her pause, and she asked me back to her office.

“How do you know James Henry?” That was my Uncle. He was a reference, because I used to work at the funeral home from time to time. What I didn’t know, is that he had JUST joined that church the previous Sunday, and was a personal friend of the Pastor and his Wife. I’m pretty sure 75% of the reason I got that job was because of my Uncle. Yay Nepotism!

That job changed my life in so many ways. I found a family I didn’t even know I was looking for. The families that trusted me with their children, the staff that loved on me while my Mother was sick, the friendships we made, and have continued to nurture for 20 years….that job was a miracle. It’s still the most fun I’ve ever had teaching.

Jan: Thank you for letting me figure out how to teach. I came in guns blazing, and you ran with it. Thanx for being Mama Jan to me, and my little ones. I’m so grateful for our relationship.

Robin, Tanya, Deborah, Shawna, Simone: Thank you for trusting me with your kids. I learned so much from them. They showed me how to listen to children and let them lead the way. I teach the way I do now because of the stuff we did at KKDC. Thank you for allowing me to stay in their lives, even after they left KKDC lol. I’m so proud of everything they’ve all done… so I can’t even imagine how you guys feel. You’ve raised some Beautiful Human Beings. I’m forever indebted to you, for trusting me to be a part of their Journeys.

Chante, Kim, Sheara: I LOVE Y’all. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms and hearts, in all my awkwardness. For going along with my crazy Ideas, even when you weren’t quite sure, they would work. For always answering when I call, be it for work or play. I’m so blessed we’re are still able to find ways to work with each other all these years later. It’s even better because we are all doing our own things.

Kobe, Kyle, Jade, Trin, August, Amari, Maranda, Talia: Ya’ll are the Coolests Freakin’ kids on the Planet. I brag on all of you all the time! If ever you need an Adult…call me. I won’t tell your parents (they can’t even see this message, I Promise). I LOVE You Guys ❤️

Thanx for Reading.

It’s been a while since I shared my words, thoughts, and feelings.

….and now, I got these Fucking Staples in the Back of My Head . . .

I have Mommy Issues. I knew I had them before, but after a 3 hour conversation with my Fiancé, I’m starting to realize they are coming to a head. These Mommy Issues are leading me down a path I never saw coming. Too much of the weight I’ve been carrying . . . seems to be shoving itself off of me. Except . . . Its coming out as Rage.

Blinding Rage. Unadulterated, All-Encompassing, Whole Body Consuming RAGE.

The 1st time I remember breaking something for the sole purpose of wanting to, I was maybe 8 or 9. I destroyed my entire bedroom, because I had been told I couldn’t do something. I lost a privilege because of my report card. It was something I had been looking forward to for MONTHS. But I got a C or D on my report card. That was evidently deserving of the loss of that Birthday Party.

Now, as an Adult, I understand that more than likely . . . my mother frequently used my report card {The Winter Quarter one, that always came out the weekend before Feb 4th} as a reason why things she had promised me, couldn’t happen or didn’t come to fruition. Because she couldn’t afford the things she promised me. Because she was POOR and struggling to raise me. The 8/9 year old in me, who was told that the ONLY acceptable thing to bring home was Perfection, didn’t know/understand that.

She internalized every one of those losses, as a testament to what happens when she wasn’t perfect. And suppressed that RAGE at having lost out on so many events, trips, parties. RAGE at being held to Impossible Standards. RAGE at seeing how Fucked up the Adults around me were, but not being able to express discontent with the Bullshit.

Breaking Dishes is my Favorite. Something about hearing glass shatter just . . . takes me there. But anything can be thrown. Any door can be slammed, any chair thrown. Anything will break, if you throw it enough. Something about completely destroying a room is so calming to me.

And That’s Fucked Up.

Recently, LIFE, had taken me to a Breaking Point and the only way I could respond was RAGE. Cuz once again, some White Woman had put my job in jeopardy because my “tone” made her feel uncomfortable. RAGE, because once again I had to delay something I wanted/needed to do because I didn’t have the Money to do it. RAGE, because why is it SOFA KING HARD to be an Adult!!!!

Why didn’t they tell us how to do this shit? Why am I, 41 Years old, and STRUGGLING right now?!?! All that damn lecturing about Education, and Holiness, and Organizational Skills . . . ya’ll couldn’t be honest about how HARD this shit was. Ya’ll couldn’t talk to your Got Damn Kids?!?! Be Real?!?!? Respect us as Adults. See us as Equals.

I can’t even use the same coping mechanisms YA’LL did. THAT’S WHY I’M FUCKED UP!! I know what having an alcoholic parent does to a kid. I know what having an emotionally detached parent does to a kid. If I didn’t see it growing up, I’ve seen it in my role as an Educator. RAGE at the fact that I can’t even numb the pain anymore because I have children of my own.

I have to be present after work. I have to wash dishes. I’m expected to do laundry weekly. I BE FUCKING TIRED. I don’t get to zone out, call my friends and gossip on the phone for the rest of the night, and leave my kid(s) to fend for themselves. I MISS talking on the phone with my friends. Everyone has a fully functioning LIFE now.

Breaking these generational curses means losing contact with the people you know who are trying to do the same thing.

I brought all that Rage into this New Life I’m trying to create for myself. Unknowingly . . . So Now, I got these fucking Staples in the back of my head, and a Broken Finger. CUZ I WAS FUCKING WILDIN’! But that’s another story.

Grief, Anxiety, and Control

So I have a new therapist. (Shout out to TalkSpace and The Read for the hook-up). After all the emotional, mental, and physical toll my last pregnancy took on me (and my relationship) I decided I probably had some work to do. I didn’t know what kind of work I needed to do . . . but I was determined to do it.

I started therapy when I became a caregiver for my mother. That shit was stressful. Having to deal with the changes in the dynamics of our relationship, plus the realization that I had given up a life I was really starting to look forward to. I don’t DO . . . Grief. At least, not when it has to do with the loss of a person or family member. I’m not the sit around and cry type person. I worked so hard to avoid my grief when My Mother died, I had a mental breakdown 1 week into COVID. COVID made me sit . . and think . . and grieve . . . and think. I couldn’t handle it. All the memories and feelings and thoughts and sadness and guilt. Escape seemed the only out.

I didn’t have the kind of breakdown where recovery is ice cream. I had a “I took myself to the ER because killing myself while 4 months pregnant with Karma was sounding like something smart to do, ” type breakdown. I had to attend a mandatory 3 week, all-day, In-Person Group Therapy.

THAT was pregnancy hormones. They can literally drive you crazy. With Karma, I only dealt with it from March 2020 until about October 2020. Almost nothing crazy happened while I was pregnant with Dallas (unless it did, and I forgot because pregnancy brain and memory loss is REAL.). This last pregnancy tho . . . wrecked HAVOC on my life. I knew I was pregnant less than a week after I got pregnant. Morning Sickness all day long, having seizures because of my high blood pressure, back aches, migraines, literally every symptom they say can happen . . . did.

I was DIRT BROKE, after having been told by my last surviving parent that my children needing lights was not his problem . . . and to not ask for help again. I found a job I thought was going to take me to the next level . . . got fired after being off a week because I had another seizure. (That was the 3rd one in 2 months). Found ANOTHER job, thought it was going to be a piece of cake. WRONG!

I lost the last 2 elders on my Mother’s side . . . and I wasn’t even able to grieve their deaths with my ‘family’ because . . . I had to work. My inability to do things created chasms in my relationships with friends and family. I was at the end of my rope emotionally, mentally, and financially. And I still had a toddler and an infant to take care of . . . and in a whole ass relationship.

I’ve spent so long faking the funk.

Pretending things don’t bother me, pretending that I have everything together. The need to control what it looks like on the outside is something left over from my Mother. Our lives were in constant crisis, but I had to keep that shit to myself. It was no one else’s business that the light were out for 2-3 days until payday. Nobody needed to know we ate Baked Beans every day for an entire summer. Nobody needed to know what the house looked like on the inside, we lived in West Bloomfield. That was enough.

Needing to solve every problem has caused an enormous amount of anxiety in my life. I am constantly figuring out several ways to solve problems. Well if this happens, then I’m going to have to do this. I’m always in my head, planning out the steps to everything. I do it so much, I started doing it to my Person.

I started trying to solve his problems too. To run his life too. To criticize the way he chose to handle his life, because it wasn’t the most efficiently solution. Without talking to him, without explaining my thinking or rationale. Just making all the decisions. Because I had to solve the problems. It had to be perfect. It must look as good on the outside as it can.

Controlling the outcome/results of everything is impossible. I’ve been working on accepting this year. I can’t control how my cousins feel about me. I can’t control how my father feels about me . . . or whether he even give a damn about me at this point. I can’t control unforeseen expenses. I really can’t control much of anything. Realizing that was SUPER painful. But letting go of the reins . . . might be even harder.

This LOVE Shit…. it Ain’t Easy.

This LOVE Shit….it ain’t easy.

Sex and the City lied to ME. Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t show me real love. She showed me what the White FairyTale Love of the 90’s was…and I bought that shit Hook Line and Sinker. All them damn Sandra Brown, Judith McNaught, Nora Roberts, Danielle Steele books did NOT prepare me for This LOVE Shit.

My momma didn’t warn me. Honestly, I don’t think I ever saw my mother IN Love. Not the kinda LOVE I’m talking about. I’m talking about the UGLY Love. The Hurting Love. The Can We JUST Make It Work type of Love. My momma didn’t tell me about that. I had absolutely no point of reference.

This LOVE Shit…..it Ain’t Easy.

The continuous effort that LOVE takes….the moments you realize you have to GENUINELY be honest about yourself with another person. You have to LOVE another person, even when you can’t believe they think you are worthy of their love. You ever doubted your partner, because they weren’t willing to give up on you. You ever thought, “Why the Fuck are they still here?!?!” I’m HORRIBLE, how could they possibly still love me?!?!? “

Real LOVE makes you admit to all the things you HATE about yourself. Those things you’ve hidden from the world because you are constantly judging yourself. This LOVE Shit makes you stop listening to your inner voice, and focus on something other than your flaws. And who the FUCK is ready to do that?!?!?!

This LOVE Shit….it Ain’t Easy.

Real LOVE is gonna make some relationships in your life change or disappear. Some people don’t like the real LOVE version of you. They liked you better when you were complaining that you couldn’t find it. Real LOVE will help you find out who is really down for you….the HARD WAY.

Cuz in those moments of fear/doubt/despair, when you call those friends you’ve always called when Shit gets Weird…some of them might tell you to give up. Some of them might tell you what they REALLY think about the Person You LOVE. Some of them friends don’t want you to stay in LOVE….cuz that means you don’t need them anymore.

#LifeLesson Make sure you have a REAL support system, that’s down for YOUR love. Not the version they believe in, or the version they’ve always seen for you. You need Friends that will make you FIGHT for your LOVE. You need friends that are almost as invested in your LOVE as you are. Some of these folks you thought would love you regardless of your situation…DON’T.

Cuz once you have found a REAL Love, you can feel the difference in those “friendships”. When the moment of crisis is over, and you are trying to go on with your LOVE, how do they treat you? How do they refer to your LOVE? Do they like to constantly remind of your partner’s mistakes? Do they always have a reason to dislike them? Them. Ain’t. Yo. Real. Friends.

Them friends that will tell you when YOU are tripping, that will make sure they hear BOTH sides of the story, and help you fix it. Those are the ones you need. The one’s that will come over to the crib to mediate conversations . . . the ones who will text/call/message your Partner if they think shit needs to get right . . . Them. Yo. Real. Friends.

This LOVE Shit….it Ain’t Easy.

You have to GET OVER yourself, for another person. You have to GIVE A FUCK about another person. Not just in passing, not just because…. One day you just decide/feel/accept that this person is the ONLY person who deserves to be loved with your FULL self. Your TRUE self, the self you see when you Daydream about living your Best Life. You have to tear down the Survival Walls you’ve built in order to function in this horrible world.

I’m talking about Life Partner kind of LOVE. Once Ya’ll have both decided, “Welp, I don’t want nobody else but you.” The understanding that you both want to move forward, navigating life TOGETHER. When you realize that LOVE isn’t- “Do You Boo Boo!” – but let’s have a logical discussion before major life decisions.

This LOVE Shit….it Ain’t Easy.

Being raised by a Strong Independent Single Black Mother, I wasn’t taught how to share myself with another person. I was taught to survive, and take care of myself. This LOVE shit requires you to THRIVE. You can’t be in REAL LOVE, in a true Partnership, and feel like you can barely make it. This LOVE shit don’t work like that. You gotta give a fuck about them, even when you hate them. You gotta always try to fix the problem. You can’t just say, FUCK YOU, and move on. You have to TRY. You have to be HUMBLE, and Vulnerable like ALL THE TIME.

You have to TRUST somebody, if y’all are in real LOVE. Even when your Every instinct is preparing you to defend yourself against any words/gestures/movements/actions you view as an attack. And EVERYTHING feels like an attack, or that your partner is disappointed in you because of something you did/said/thought/felt.

You gotta let go of all the plans you’ve formulated for yourself…and start creating plans for US. Being an active part of an US is CRAZY! Did you know, I’ve lived my whole life like the world revolves around me? That’s how I was raised!! Now you want me to like….not care about myself more than everyone else?!?!

This LOVE Shit . . . it Ain’t Easy

Why didn’t they tell us this? Maybe they told y’all about it. But didn’t NOBODY tell me how hard This LOVE Shit was. Creating a space where you and another person can feel safe….even when almost EVERY event/person/relationship/family member has made you both feel unsafe and violated and unLoved.

I’ve said all this….because I just didn’t know what LOVE really is. I wasn’t prepared for this thing to rule my world like it does. When This LOVE Shit isn’t working…my whole body is off. I don’t eat or sleep. I feel unsettled. I worry and fret… I spend hours trying to come up with solutions to whatever problems are going on. LOVE makes me have to put in work. Because even though This Love Shit is HARD…

It’s the Greatest Thing to EVER Happen to me.

I’m so #Grateful that LOVE found me. ^{{That Blog is coming too}}

I just needed to put this into words, for all my friends who’ve felt/said/thought the same thing. You are NOT Alone. This 2022 Type of LOVE ain’t easy…..but it’s Worth It. Keep Fighting for it. Don’t Give Up. You Deserve It. You are Worth It.

So is This LOVE Shit.

The Burden of Being a Daugther

This is a test. Can I still write a blog that actually makes sense .. . as opposed to a disjointed ranting of thoughts? I haven’t really written anything since my Mother died. So it totally makes sense that the blog I’m attempting to write is about her . . . kinda.

My Mother’s death changed my life. Not in the whole . . .everything is different and I am lost and broken sense (though all of that was there too). But in a way I never thought could be possible . . . it came with a sense of freedom I didnt’ know I needed.

Joyce had a plan for my life. I think she spent the entire time she was pregnant with me planning out my life. She knew what elementary schools, middle schools, and high schools she wanted me to attend. At seven, I told anyone who would listen my college choices {Spellman and Harvard} mostly because of the looks of awe on their faces. I couldn’t have told you one thing about those schools , except that they were good schools my mom wanted me to attend.

Joyce did not care whether or not her plan . . and my plan . . . were in agreeance. Because she had a PLAN. A Lot of who I am, got lost in that plan. Because free spirits don’t always get straight A’s. Socializing was always more important than grades for me. I don’t think Joyce ever expected me not to follow her plan, becuase she knew the outcome would be a life of financial and personal freedom.

But she didn’t tell me that. She never explained the motivations behind the plan, not until it was too late. Her plan was to make sure I never experienced any of the hardships she did. Joyce knew Education was the Key to that. Education and Access to White America. “Elite” White America to be exact. It really was a good plan, it just wasn’t for me.

Looking at Karma, I get it. I want so many things for her, and I want to guide {push} her down the right paths in life. Whenever I pictured having a daughter, she was just going to be a mini me. I never thought about my daughter’s father and his infleunce on her . .. because I’d never really seen that. An everyday Father, in the house all the time. My mom did everything on her own, for the most part, without much outside influence.

That is NOT Karma’s existence. Karma has mom and dad everyday. I had to throw out my “Plan” for Karma at like 6 months. My child is a THUG. She is not dainty, or soft. She is something I don’t understand. She’s 85% Dad and mybe 15% me. So I have to learn who she is.

We have to come up with her Life Plan together. I wish my mom had done that with me. Talked about the world and why we even needed to have a plan in the 1st place. I would have listened, I think. I would have understood WHY the straight A’s were important, cuz scholarships were gonna be needed to meet those goals in her Plan.

Back to that whole “Freedom” thing I was talking about.

After my Mother died, I no longer had to get approval for my choices. In theory, I never had to after I left her house. Even after I moved out, I was following Joyce’s plan. Working HARD to finding certain types of jobs, striving toward certain types of goals. Trying to stay on that path my mom laid out for me. I made choices I knew Joyce would approve of, because she had always been the voice in my head.

Making my own choices . . . has led me to the happiest time in my life. Trusting my own instincts, insteadof thinking, “What Would Joyce Think?” first. I’m living MY best life. Not Her’s.

Please Note: This realization has caused me great guilt and grief and shame at points in these last 2 years. Because my mom sacrificed her own happiness to raise me in a certain way. People talk about “Jewish Mom Guilt,” they should really be talking about “Black Mom Guilt.” That can put a hold on your life for your whole life, if you let it.

The Freedom comes in recognizing you are your own Person, not JUST [Enter your Mom’s name here]’s daughter. You are allowed to create a life completely separate of the one you were told you should live.

Live the Life that makes you Grateful for it. Live the Life that helps you deal with all your past hurts and traumas. Live the life others wish they could. Live whatever like YOU want. That’s how you can be Free.

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Dear MJ,

By now, you’ve been in college for 3 whole weeks.  Enjoy it, this is the best time of your life.  This is where you meet the people who change your life forever.  Savor the geographical closeness of friends, and take full advantage of every new experience.  Try everything at least once, take pictures of everything.  It doesn’t stay like this forever.  There are some very dark times ahead.  You will use the happiness of this year to get you through some of those times.  Be Glad I warned you.

On Friendship . . . 

The people you meet in these 4 years, are your family.  Not just friends in passing, but the shoulders you will cry on when life is falling apart.  You will leave college with Brothers would would fight a bear for you.  You will leave with Sisters who will fight that same bear, and probably send evil text messages to that bear’s whole family for years, just because they love you.  Some of the people you start this journey with, won’t make it until the end.  You will lose great friends, but find them again  . . . even if it takes 17 more years to reconnect. MJ, these friends are lifetime friends.  Don’t take them for granted.

On Your Hair . . . 

MJ, you are going natural in 1999.  A full 10 years before the Natural Revolution.  Good Job being a pioneer.  Going natural for you was a necessity, and not a protest of the white man’s wish that you assimilate to European standards of beauty.  You just don’t know how to do your hair, and that’s okay.   But your hair is beautiful, enjoy the texture.  You are Beautiful, MJ. Everything about you is Beautiful. Sadly, no one is going to recognize you need to hear that from time to time.  You won’t feel beautiful until your 20’s,  But I’m telling you now.

On Your Career . . .

Right now, you are probably sitting in your programming class, wondering how the hell you are going to program a damn computer to play Rock Paper Scissors with you.  You are going to get your first failing grade on a test.  Don’t worry, it’s going to get better!

You are going to find your calling, Children.  You are going to go through a few different phases.  Education, Tutoring, and you are going to land on Social Work.  God put you on this earth, MJ, to help children.  You are great at it.  You will make a lasting impact on hundreds of children.

Sadly, the profession you choose isn’t gonna keep them pockets fat.  You are going to end up being the poor friend.  Except, you won’t figure that out until you are 34.  You learn to survive with what you have.  Some years are going to be much worse than others, but as you get closer to your true purpose, you will figure out how be handle your money better.

Money is going to cause you to shed some tears, some ugly ass tears.  But MJ, you will survive it.  So keep going, even when you feel like you can’t.

On Love . . . 

People are going to break your heart.  Remember those dark times I was talking about . . . The first time is coming in about 10 months.  Don’t try to stop it.  He’s your soulmate.  That kind of love is going to stay with you for the rest of your life.  He’s going to stay with you the rest of your life.  But losing it, is going to break you.

I mean, devastate you, and no one around you will see it.  No one around you will recognize the signs of depression, because Black People Don’t Get Depressed.  It takes about 10 years, but he comes back, and he’s one of your best friends.

True Love is something you are going to look for in almost every person you meet, which is stupid.  Nora Roberts fucked you on that.  There is no such thing.  It’s just emotional connections that work out or not.  The other two guys, who will both break your heart by the way, they aren’t bad people.  They just couldn’t handle you, and how intense you can be.  Calm the fuck down, MJ. Take it slowly.  Stop trying to make every guy your future husband.  Calm the FUCK Down.

On Sex . . . 

You are going to waste your college years.  This is the time in life, when you should be whoring it up. But you won’t, because they told you men only marry the good girls.  THEY LIED. Men marry the Jump Offs.  You are going to be SO PISSED once you figure that out.  Sorry girl, you should have been a heaux. You had the PERFECT dating app, Greek Life. And what are you gonna do, MJ? Be friends with everyone.  Dumb Ass.

However, your greatest sexual encounters are going to be with people you’ve been friends with most of your life.  So that’s something, right MJ? You can hold out for that, you’ve only got like 13 more years to wait.

On Your Sexual Identity . . .

It’s okay that you like girls too.  It’s okay that you have crushes on girls in college.  Even though you grew up in church, and they told you something was wrong with you because you liked girls . . . It’s okay. Even though people in your family drop the F-Word with ease, and try to shame their male children for being sensitive . . . it’s OKAY.

It’s perfectly NORMAL to be BiSexual. You will be happier once you stop hiding it.  And you are going to meet some amazing people that help you get there.  Let Your Flag Fly MJ. It’s okay to be Queer.

Finally, MJ . . . 

These plans you have right now for your life, on who you are going to be, and where you are going to end up . . . WRONG. Stop trying to be like everyone else.  You aren’t.  You are so Different, and Special, and Beautiful, and Unique.  There is no one in this world like you. Your personal freedom will come, when you embrace yourself.

Stop comparing yourself to your friends, it won’t bode well for you.  Be Proud of who you are, in that moment.  Every single tear is going to be worth it.  The pain won’t last always, MJ. You are going to make it.  And it’s going to be Spectacular.

I’m Proud of You MJ,

34 Year Old You.

Truth Is . . . . I’m Tired

I used to tell everyone what was going on with me.  My Facebook used to be a minute by minute detailing of every emotion, action, and life event.  I didn’t expect people to wonder where I was, I told them . . .often.

Slowly, I’ve become the opposite.  With every Black Child/Man/Woman who has been killed at the hands of the “authorities,” I’ve slowly shut down. I’ve kept my problems to myself, because they seem quite trivial in the face of Systematic Racism and Murder.  No one told me to stop talking, I just don’t.

With every new hashtag, and every new addition to the “Dangerous to do While Black” list, I’ve become more and more reclusive.  I seem to have collapsed inside myself, and I’m not even sure if I want to come out at this point.  It’s hard at this point, when every single time I open my FB or my Twitter, I’m seeing pictures of people being killed by police, or videos of the aftermath of someone being killed.  Or watching a press conference where a family member breaks down.

Black Pain has become fodder for all to consume.  Even when you try to ignore it, someone is tagging you in a post, or sending you a link.  I tried to escape to Instagram today, and all the Black Celebs that were a day late, and several dollars were posting the videos, or even still pics of crime scenes.  That shit HURTS.  It causes my body to cease up in pain, because I feel every bullet.  I can feel the pain of every mother crying out for their lost child.

This . . . situation . . . has been weighing on me since the Trayvon Martin Trial (We don’t say his killer’s name). I thought about all the children I’ve taught, and the smiles on their faces, and just felt lost. Because I can’t save them.  I can’t hold them close, and make sure they are going to live forever.  I can’t even guarantee that a trip to the pool won’t end in abuse.  I can’t tell them walking to the store won’t end their death.  My crew is driving now, I can’t guarantee they won’t get pulled over and killed during a “routine” traffic stop.

That existence, the fact that I live in a world where this is the Norm, TERRIFIES me.  Since my seizure, my emotions have started to work differently.  I don’t understand them.  In addition to that, and I know this sounds crazy, I’ve been having prophetic dreams.  Nothing normal like, “so and so is pregnant,” or “you should play these numbers tomorrow.”  No, I wake up in tears, trying to stop screams from escaping my mouth so my mom doesn’t hear me.

On  the morning of June 12th, I had the scariest dream to date.  My mom and I had gone to a club to see someone perform, and we were having a great time.  All of a sudden people were running and screaming, “There is an Arabic Guy coming to kill us!” We guided everyone into the bathroom, and we were all huddled in one stall.  As he walked in the bathroom, I turned to my mom and told her I loved her, because I knew we were going to die.  Then I woke up.

I checked my phone to see news of the Pulse nightclub shooting.  I haven’t been right since.  Because, What the FUCK?!?! If that’s a Gift from God, I’m not sure how he expects me to use it.  Since that dream, I’ve only been able to remember parts of.  But I’m still afraid of where my mind will take me some nights. This World . . . This World is stressing me OUT.

I haven’t even talked about what’s been going on in my LIFE this year.  I probably won’t. Because my burdens are small compared to those of others.  Problems have come up, I’ve solved them, the best way I know how.  Maybe, when I’m famous, I’ll talk about how my life changed in 2016.  ‘Cuz it surely has.

This post is all over the place. It’s not very coherent (in my opinion). But I promised my Therapist (yes, I have one of those now) I would take at least 15 minutes to write. And I try to keep my promises, especially when they are basically homework toward healing.

Dear 2015 . . . Thank You!

Happy New Year!!! Before I can talk about 2016, I want to write a love letter to 2015, as she treated me exceptionally well. So here goes . . .

Dear 2015,

I started my year laying in bed with someone I thought I loved.  I was looking forward to exploring that relationship, and seeing where it would take me.  I ended this year in a bed in a hotel room, sleeping.  I consider that progress. BTB, as he was referred to via text, was a great person, who just wasn’t the greatest person for me.  Thank you, 2015, for teaching me what I really need from a relationship.

Speaking of relationship needs, 2015, thank you for giving me closure with MM.  Thank you for allowing Adele to create Hello, which gave me the in to make the phone call. Thank you for the tears, the dropping of all my walls for the first time in 4 years, and understanding I’ll never get over the loss of him, and finally being okay with it.  Thank you for helping me to finally be adult enough to deal with him, and understanding me not being in his life, is HIS loss, and no longer mine.

Also, 2015, thank you for all the travel I’ve been blessed enough to have this year.  Thank you that most of it has been not at my expense.  Thank you that I’ve been blessed enough to explore new places, and experience new food, and open myself to new people.  Thank you for the single serving friends I made while stranded in the Dallas airport, who stayed awake with me and shared their lives for that brief 16 hour clusterfuck.  Thank you for Seattle, and Tiffany.  Thank you my trip back to Detroit, and the $1300 in Travel Vouchers I earned by simply taking a later flight.

Thank you, 2015, for finally finding my career.  For showing me, almost every day, that I CAN make a difference in the life of a child in more than one way. Thank you for combining my greatest life skill, Stalking People on the Internet, with my passion for helping children and making them work.  Thank you for giving me jobs which provided me with the autonomy I’ve always needed to succeed when working for others

Thank you, 2015, for my God-Children, and all the children I’ve ever taught or worked with, who still remember me and are a part of my life.  Thank you for my Parents, with all their eccentricities.  Thank you that they are still alive, and well, and a part of my everyday life.  Thank you for the blessing of being able to call them when I need them, but also being able to call them without needing a thing.  Thank you for my family, immediate and extended, in all shapes, colors, ethnicities, and ages.  Thank you for the family I’ve created, and the family God gave me.  We are a work in progress.

Lastly, but most importantly 2015, thank you for my Friends.  Thank you for reminding me who they are, and who they were, and that they love me.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see 85% of them while I was in Detroit/Dayton/Cincinatti, and spend quality time with them.  Thank you for the astonishing realization that all of us are ADULTS, who make adult decisions every day, and are happy in our lives.  Thank you for helping us to navigate life together, and sometimes apart, and still be able to look each other in the eye with pride.

Thank You 2015, even for the earth shattering losses of this year.  Thank you for all the tears, and fears, and self-doubt, and bad times.  Because I’ve grown so much more than I even knew until recently. Thank you for Everything, 2015. You’ve definitely made me a a better person.

Sincerely,

Mz. Joy

 

 

 

Free Write: Souled Out – Jhene Aiko

*This album just appeared in my dropbox.  We don’t ask questions.*

 

48 Minutes of Goodness

Track #1 – Limbo

I got off work early, and felt the need to write. I got home, packed up all my stuff and made my way to my local Starbucks.  The minute I say down, all my motivation left me. I’ve never had that happen to me.  Starbucks in my safe place, my writer’s Haven as it were.  Suddenly the smell of coffee did nothing to entice me.  The creative juices refused to flow.  I tried so hard to get in the groove, looked at blogs I had left in my drafts, and NOTHING. Immediately I was unsettled.  Does this mean my writing talent is gone? Do I hate Starbucks now? WHAT IS LIFE?

Track #2 – W.A.Y.S

Clearly, as I’m currently sitting here {in my Living room} writing, it’s not gone. But I think the need to escape to Starbucks to write had more to do with escaping the clutter I lived in at the time.  A place where I could stretch out and just create.  NowI have that, at home. Crazy! Sitting on the couch in my living room is just as peaceful to me as sitting at the table at Maple and Orchard Lake used to be. I can finally write at home.  That hasn’t happened in . . . 5 years. The last time I wrote at a place I was living was my first Apartment in Arizona.

Track #3 – To Love & Die ft. Cocaine 80’s

I’m currently on a Celibacy Quest until January of 2016.  It’s a Quest because penis’ seem to throw themselves at me.  I’ll be minding my own business, and one will just pop up in my face. I had to fight them off in Michigan! The two years I spent in Michigan – was like Bad Decision Amusement Park.  I tried out all the rides, had entirely too many ups and downs before I landed on my own two feet.  I opened new doors, closed one or two, and tried my best to put my past behind me.  Admitting that you ruined a friendship with sexual tension sucks.

Track #4 – Spotless Mind

I regret some of the choices I’ve made in the past 2 years.  Maybe regret isn’t the right word.  I wish I would have been as mature then as I am now.  I was hurting, and male attention is – and always has been – my coping mechanism. {Read: Daddy Issues} What was supposed to be a one time escapade, became something that somehow cheapened our friendship. Sex really does ruin everything.  He was the first person I’ve ever had sex with, that I felt an actual emotional connection with. It meant something to me. It shouldn’t have, I told him it didn’t. We swore it wouldn’t change our friendship, one that we’d had for 10+ year.  It did tho.  Suddenly, I felt like he wasn’t paying me enough attention.  I wanted to see him all the time, I wanted him to comfort me when I had a bad day at work. Sex is stupid. It ruins everything . . . and I really really really miss my friend.

Track #5 – It’s Cool

Admitting all of that felt good.  So let’s just keep admitting things.  I’m attracted to at least 2 people I shouldn’t be.  Not JUST because they are in relationships, but because liking them violates my personal – although twisted – moral code.  We don’t like our friend’s ex’s.  Ex HumpBuddy, Ex Boyfriend, Ex Fiance, Ex Husband. You don’t do it. But every time I see these two people, I try to justify stepping outside of the boundaries I set for myself in 1997. {Yes, I know the year, it was a very traumatic one for me}

Track #6 – Lyin King

Back when I was a Jezebel . . . I used to call guys I liked, and tell them I had a dream about them in order to peak their interest.  Then say, “Hey, why don’t you come over for dinner, I can tell you all about it.” This usually lead to Bow Chikka Wow Wow.  Best trick ever! In the last 4 days, I’ve had 6 . . . six . . . seis . . . dreams about men in my life. Some very graphic, some super awkward, some very comforting . . . but all of them made me want to reach out to these men, and just talk to them.  However, my current Sabattical restrictions mean I can’t.

Track #7 – Wading (Played this Twice.  It goes)

This whole learning restraint, and practicing it thing . . . I’m kind of proud of myself to be honest.  Most of my friends don’t think I will or can last until 2016. But it’ve done it before . . . of course that was because I didn’t know anyone in AZ and I wasn’t actively trying to meet anyone.  The goal is to focus on self.  To accomplish my goals – the reasons for moving back here – on my own.  Without being able to attribute any failures or successes to anyone but myself. “I was sad because so and so didn’t come over; I missed that deadline because I was hanging out with so and so; etc.” I used to do that all the time . . . blame events/feelings/emotions on other people.  Now that I have acknowledged it, I have to stop doing it, right? That’s the plan anyway. I’ve been here about 100 days, and stayed focused.

Track #8 – The Pressure

That’s not to say shit hasn’t come out of the woodwork since I’ve been back.  People have showed up out of the blue, people I thought I would never talk to again.  Funny the things you choose to deal with, and what you won’t.  When I decided to be celibate, I lost male friends. Because they tried to test me . . . CRAZY to me. When I was 12, my best friend at the time told me, “Boys and Girls can’t be friends for real.  Someone always likes the other one, even if they know it’s just a friendship.” My best friend was a Boy. AWKWARD. I mean, sure I had a crush on him but it’s not like I acted on it.

Track #9 – Brave

Consciousness has ruined my life.  Most of the behaviors I used to put up with/act on/ allow others to justify currently annoy the SHIT out of me. This is another reason I’ve kept to myself.  It’s unfair to assume everyone should think like me. It’s not their fault they don’t see the world the same way I do.  Ferguson brought that to the forefront for me once again.  I had already lost interest in certain movies and music and people when I became conscious of how prevalent Misogyny and Sexism is in the world around me.  Now, once again, I can see all the Systematic Racism in America.

Track #10 – Eternal Sunshine

I’m annoyed easily now.  I want to do more to change the world.  I judge myself that I’m not doing more to help those less fortunate than me.  It’s difficult to put into intelligent words this feeling of . . . Do Better, Be Better. Someone asked on twitter tonight what kind of volunteer work people were doing, and I couldn’t chime in.  At least when I was working full time, I had an excuse.  But now . . . what is my excuse? I can justify my lack of involvement  . . . but it’s a lazy and self righteous justification.  My life isn’t hard right now, so why aren’t I don’t something?

Track #11 – Promises

I refuse to commit to or admit to – on paper or on screen – my true goals.  I’ve become very paranoid about letting people know my wishes and dreams.  I once spoke them freely, and not only did “friends” try to tear them down and destroy them . . . I really think they wished/prayed for me to fail. This lack of trust that lives inside of me is new. It’s unfortunate as well, at least to me. But it’s needed.  Another layer of protection from hurt.  But I need to start working on my plans I made when I first got here.  I’m afraid to fail, because I’ve finally figured out what I want to do.

Track #12 – Pretty Bird

If you had asked me at the beginning of this Free Write the goal . . . I would have said a poem of sorts.  That’s what is so awesome to me about doing a Free Write to music.  I’ve always said you don’t pick the music, the music picks you. This album was a great one to listen to while I tried to sort out my thoughts/feelings.  When I couldn’t write at Starbucks, I felt a way. I had on the wrong type of music. I also wasn’t in my safe space.

But I’m Home Now, and my mind/soul is clear. If you got this far, thanks for reading.  Cop the Album too.  It’s pretty good 🙂