Tag Archive | Weight Loss

Dear Depression……Thanks

I need to take a few minutes to talk about one of the benefits of MY depression. I talk all the time, about how Depression has seemingly taken over my adulthood. It makes things HARDER to accomplish. In order to be fair, I must now share the good sides of Depression. So without further ado, I present…..Thanks Depression!

I’ve lost 30lbs since July of last year. I went from 363.2 to today’s current weight of 334.8lbs. I can write those weights with pride, as it’s the smallest I’ve ever been (since I started actually weighing myself). The only time in my life I lost weight like this, was when I was working at the Tucson JCC. I was working out 5 days a week (for at least 40 mins), and eating kosher.

Which is why I have to say, Thank You Depression!

Because I just stopped eating food. That’s how I’m losing this weight. I have no appetite, at all. I forget to eat during the day, and I barely eat at home. When I do eat, the portions are so small it’s like being on a diet. 9 times out of 10, I always end up feeding the rest to my dog.

I’ve been dealing with my mom’s health issues and living 2309 miles away, so food intake has been the least of my worries.

People come up to me, and ask my diet plan. Usually, I lie. Cuz it’s kind of weird to be like, “Worry about your mom on an hourly basis! The pounds will just melt away!” I feel like, that wouldn’t go over that well.

FitBit reminded me today, I’m just 9lbs away from the initial goal I set for myself 3 years ago. I got a lil bit happy, knowing that goal is on the horizon. Then, I got sad again. Because I know I’ll make that goal. And it’s not because I’m doing it on purpose. It’s because I’m so stressed out about other things in life, I won’t be focused enough to try to stay at this weight. Depression is still there, I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it…..yet.

I sometimes miss when food was my happy place. I miss being able to eat my feelings. Because when you can just eat them, you don’t have to process them. You don’t have to sit with them, rolling around in your head all fucking day.

When you can eat your feelings, you also end up weighing 378lbs at 30. So clearly that wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism. But as I looking at the numbers getting smaller and smaller on the scale, my new fear is that once I’m back in Michigan, the weight just comes back.

So I’m planning already, how to keep this going. Joining Lifetime Fitness again, and cooking healthy food. Actually going for walks on the trail behind my mom’s house. Maybe I can get to my ultimate weight Goal, size 18 on the bottom, and a 14/16 on Top. The numbers never mattered to me, the way my clothes fit did. And 2 weeks ago, I bought a pair of size 24 jeans….and they are already too big now.

Thank You Depression, for being a catalyst to a lifestyle change I needed. I wasn’t gonna do it myself, so I appreciate the help 😁.


I’m Just Sayin’….

Just some shit I want to get off my chest. If it offends you, remember a hit dog hollers…

Issue #1: Weight Loss —-> Hateration (in this dancerie)


If you know me at all you know how much of a struggle losing this weight has been. This shit ain’t easy at all. But you would swear that with every pound I drop, and inch I lose I’m personally telling people to go fcuk themselves. I’ve heard everything from ‘You think you’re cute now huh?’ to ‘Ever since you lost weight You are cocky…’

Are you fcuking serious? Have you met me?!?! I mean like the real me. Hell, have you read a blog I’ve written. I’ve always thought I was cute. Not sexy or gorgeous but hell yeah I’m cute. And I think I’m so awesome I tell strangers. Its never been what I thought of myself. Always what others assumed about me based on my size, race, sex, physical appearance etc.

Let me just tell you, in case you still don’t get it. Bitch I’m Amazing. Cellulite, Sweat, Blood, and tears. I’m so got damn amazing its hard to not tattoo that shit on my wrist. Fcuk You if you think differently.


Issue #2: I like you but…

Again, I’ve been saying for years that most of the men that approach me don’t do it out of fat girl pity. I don’t even get approached by chubby chasers. Its everyday dudes that see something about me they like. Sadly, it frequently seems to be men who are already in relationships. In the past, this didn’t bother me… Simply because I believe if you don’t take care of what’s yours, he will find someone who does.

But after my brief experiment with Love, I’m noticing that they aren’t even unhappy men. They aren’t planning on leaving their home, they just want me too.  What in the hell?!?! Did I accidently put, ‘Used to be a Side Chick’ on my shirt. I don’t remember that, but I guess. At some point it goes from flattering to insulting. Like for real, its something that happens so frequently these days I’m starting to try to figure out what I’m doing to attract these people.

It could be Karma or as one friend suggests, a Godly test to see if I am indeed ready for a stable relationship. Either way, its getting on my got damn nerves. Because Operation Get MJW Wifed Up by 2014 is so real. Being single is not what’s hot in the streets right now. At all! A chick got bills all up in though here.

So for real, fcuk you if you already have someone and want me to take your sloppy seconds. If you aren’t ready to enter into a partnership with me that includes keys to vehicles and names on bank accounts you can get to stepping. I’m 30 years old and I don’t have time for all that bullshit.

Issue #3: Poverty vs. Laziness

I got into an argument with my father about a month ago. He tried to tell me that the reason I never have money is because I don’t know how to budget my money. My response, I don’t have money to budget.  Its not hyperbole to say I’m so underpaid I am almost physically ill when I get a paycheck. But at least I have a job.
I work 40 hours a week, and that’s not enough to pay all my bills. But the Hustle is strong within me, and my mother taught me to take care of myself. So I make due. I babysit on the weeknds and usually twice or more during the week. I make my own lunch most days and I cook dinner instead of eating out.  That leaves no money for extras but at 30 I don’t need that much.

But some people seem to think I’m lazy. How? You never see me cuz every time you call I’m busy. I have lost 6 sizes since March. I NEVER stop moving, and not by choice. So again, fcuk you if you’re mad at ME, cuz I hustle when I have to. I have a feeling someone will read this and assume I just cursed my father. I didn’t.

I have more to say. Maybe when I get another 36mins on this exercise bike.


Underneath Your Clothes…

In conjunction with No Shame Day (part of Mental Health Awareness Month) ,  I’m going to share my secret shame.

I’m not comfortable in my own skin.

Since the day someone told me I was ugly, I’ve wanted to make sure know one knew how ugly I was. I wasn’t always this way. Until I was 7, I thought I was a white girl.  Not I acted like one,  but I actually thought I was white. I imagined that I looked just like all my friends. I went to private schools in my youth,  and spent my summers in Tucson,  AZ. So my peers were mostly blond haired and blue eyed.

One day,  while at my mother’s hair dressers house, her kids were picking on me as usual. Her youngest daughter said to me, “How does it feel to be that ugly and dark? You must not ever look in the mirror cuz if you did it would break.”

For the first time in my life,  I looked in a mirror and hated what I saw. Sadly,  that wasn’t the last time.

Fast forward to the year 2012. I fell in love with my best friend,  who said we would never be together because of my weight. He was a petite Mexican,  and he said I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him. I didn’t understand what he meant.. ..until I saw him dance. Then everything made sense. I couldn’t keep up with him at 378lbs. So I decided to lose weight.

I struggled for a long time before I began the weight loss process. Because part of me knew I was worth being with at that moment. Part of me felt like he should accept me as I was, and help me get to where I wanted to be.  Many people in my life didn’t agree with my choice to lose weight ‘for a man.’ But it was a choice I made because his acceptance,  his acknowledgment of me was that important to me.

I have self diagnosed for years. With the help of Nora Roberts books, and WebMD, I’ve suffered from hundreds of ailments.   But I honestly  think I have Body Dismorphic Disorder. This means that what others see and what I see are two different things.

I’ve lost 50lbs so far, and 5 sizes. I don’t see the difference. Guys compliment me all the time,  and it confuses me. The question I ask is always, Why? Why are you seeing me now?  I’ve always been here. I’m not a new person.  So why is it that all of a sudden I’m visible to the world? 

I’ve always felt invisible in my life.

Except when I am around kids. Because even though they see my size they always look past it in like the first 5mins. Kids love you blindly. Based solely on how you treat them. They don’t care about your hair or your clothes or anything.

I think I spent so long hiding behind my weight, not having that shield anymore has really thrown me for a loop.  I’m  uncomfortable in public settings if someone approaches me.  Doesn’t matter if I have put on my cutest dress, and I know I’m cute, if a male approaches me, I’m automatically weirded out.

So today, at the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Month,  I’m going to acknowledge that losing weight hasn’t helped my self-esteem at all. I think its actually worse now. But I know its something I have to work on. So I’m going to. 

I wrote this while I was sitting on the recumbent bike. So that’s something, right?  I have 6 more months until I will feel like I’ve met my own goal. My weight has never been an issue,  the number anyway. Its always if my clothes look good. So if I get to a size 12, I’ll be great,  no matter what I weigh.

But I started this journey so that one person in my life would see me,  and I think at the end of it everyone will. I just have to get used to that. But I’m Not Ashamed of what started this journey in my life.  I kept going. After the first 10lbs,  after he and I didn’t work out, after the change I saw in other people. And I am still here!

I’m learning to take every situation apart, and adapt to this new thing, instead of react. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by beautiful people who brighten my days, and make even the most difficult situations survivable. We share our shame with each other. One confession at a time. And try to live everyday with NO SHAME.

Seeds of Doubt

Okay, so this isn’t going to be witty and inspiring. I’m having a tough time right now and I need to get all this out.

One of the major problems with being honest on Social Media sites and blogging about the good times, is that I feel judged when I post about my imperfections.

For about 4 months, I have been actively trying to lose weight. I haven’t gone on a diet, I’ve changed my lifestyle. I currently weigh 341 pounds. My goal is to be 250lbs….225, if I can. I want to complete this goal for a myriad of reasons, my own personal health being the main reason. But last week was a hard week for me.

When I stepped on the scale I had gained like 7 lbs. I have been working out at least 3 times aa week.  So how is it even possible that I have gained weight. A dress I bought 3 weeks ago in a smaller size was tight. I just felt so defeated.

It seemed like everything I was doing was for no reason.  If I can’t reach this goal in a timely manner, I could lose something that has come to mean everything to me. But I just have gotten so complacent when it comes to being the size I am. I hated myself for such a long time, because of how other people perceived me. I felt I had to accept me at whatever size I had become, becuase it was never going to change.

Them one day, I had a reason to change. My initial motivation isn’t important. That I had motivation is enough.

I know I’m not fat an lazy. I know I don’t eat McDonald’s for every meal. I know that I can’t run or jog, but I also don’t spend every moment on a couch. And yet, I have worked so hard to make changes and I’m not seeing any results. Last week, I was ready to quit. Just to give up, and be miserable. But I would have judged myself for quitting this soon. Its just hard to see what my life could be and want it right now.

I had never paid attention to all the things I had given up on, because I had gotten to this weight. Going out to clubs, amusement parks, swimming in public, etc. Its not because I’m ashamed of myself (at least I dont think) but because other people look at me in disgust/shame/pity. I’m not a project. I’m just me.

But this me that I have become, I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the work that I have done. I want to want to dress up, because I have pretty clothes that fit a new body. I want to wear tights with little short dresses that show off my amazing calves.

I just wish I could get there sooner than later. My internal goal, an 18 month transformation, is about 3 months in. And the results have been minimal. I have to work harder, do more, sacrifice some things that I dont want to sacrifice in order to meet this goal.

And yet, when I go to bed I still wonder….Is it all worth it? Will I meet my goal on time? Will I ever be able to dance how I want to, and run up a hill without fear of a heart attack. The bigger question, is the person that was okay with me at 378lbs still going to exist at 225-250lbs? And if so, is this always going to be a struggle for me. A lifelong internal struggle that I have to deal with?

This morning, my Aquafit instructor asked me if I had seen results since I had started coming to her class…and my answer was no. I know they are coming. If the pain in my muscles is any indication, Its coming very soon. Its just hard to do this, and not take the easy way out. I don’t have a work out buddy. I’m doing this alone, by choice. Because I can’t depend on someone else to help me, especially since I got this way on my own.

The emotional ramifications of my size – the comfort eating, the years battling depression,  the low self esteem – have all been acknowledged and dealt with in some ways. But its still hard to not see the results I want.

Those Seeds of Doubt….they seem to be firmly planted. But I swear I will figure out a way to get rid of them.