Dear Skinny Stranger Bitch . . . You Don’t Know My Story

*If I was your teacher in your youth, I’m sorry you had to read these harsh words   If I taught your child, I’m sorry you had to see these harsh words.  But, they must be said.*

I went to church today.  My wonderful Pastor was talking about “Breaking Out of Your Rut” in life.  Evidently during my gallivanting (Defn: to go about in search of pleasure) last weekend, I missed part one.

Today’s sermon focused on the last 3 steps to escaping your Rut. The point we are discussing, indeed the catalyst for this rant was Exercise Your Body.  His main point during the sermon was, Movement of your body inspires you to do more in your everyday life.  My rant, however, is not about my Pastor’s words.  It’s about a complete stranger’s way of dealing with them.

Episode #1: As my Pastor is talking, he says, “Now say to your Neighbor, Movement is Good.” My Neighbor to my left says, “You should really listen to what he is saying.”

Who Bitch What?!?!?!?

I didn’t say anything, because I knew that if I punched this random Skinny Stranger Bitch in her fucking face, I would probably be asked to leave.  So I just said Amen, and went back to listening to my Pastor.

Episode #2: My Pastor stated something to the effect of, “Y0ur homework for this week is to get up and move.  Walk 15 minutes.” The Skinny Stranger Bitch then gave me the  Holy Helpful Stranger arm rub and said, ‘Now I know it’s hard for you to lose all that weight.  But you have to try.”

Who. Bitch. What?!?!?!?!?

Episode #3: My Pastor then stated something to the effect of, Movement will make you feel better about yourself. Again with the Holy Helpful Stranger Arm Rub, “I have a niece that’s bi— Full Figured like you, and I tell her all the time, You have to try.”

Mother. Fuck.

First of all, stop touching me heaux, I don’t know you like that.  Second of all, all fat people are not the same.  Third, my thighs touching is not an indicator  I Hate My Life.  You Don’t Know My Story.  You don’t know SHIT about me.  You look at me and see a Fat Girl. And that, is the Mother. Fucking. Problem.

I have never met this woman in my life.  She doesn’t know that I’ve lost 60lbs in the last 13 months, and I am working toward losing another 30 before June.  But HOW DARE YOU . . . My Fat is not your business.  Even if I was 600lbs, you don’t have the right to give me advice about what to do with my body.  You have enough room on the bench, my fat is not touching you – so kindly Shut The Fuck Up.

I think her compulsion to save me is actually part of a bigger issue – that is,  the need to help those we deem less fortunate than us.  Of course this assessment of need is based solely on outward physical appearance.

I call what she did Skinny Bitch Privilege.   The Skinny Bitch feels they are the media’s (read: the USA Media) representation of ‘Beauty,” so this means they have the right to ‘help’ people get like them.  They ASSUME anyone who isn’t like them, just hasn’t had the right motivation to Get Like Them. Their Mindset seems to be, “Oh Woe is You.  Please allow me to help you on your journey to being a better person.”

Fat DOES NOT EQUAL Unhappy/Sick/Lazy. If there is one constant annoyance in these past 13 months, it has been the perception/assumption that my weight loss happened because I was finally tired of being fat.  It didn’t.  It happened because someone told me I couldn’t do it.  A 60 day challenge turned into a lifestyle change.

Do I feel better now that I’ve lost weight? Yes.  Do I have more energy? Yes. Do rainbows now fly out of my soul every time I work out? No.  Do I know feel complete and whole? NO.  I wasn’t miserable at 378lbs. I’m not ridiculously happy at 318lbs. But however I feel about my body, you will NEVER have the right to tell me your opinion about it.

Listen Skinny Bitch, I’m good.  I eat what I want, I don’t suffer from any sort of guilt/shame about my size.  I’m a grown ass woman.  I like food I know isn’t good for me, and if I feel like it, Imma eat that shit! I don’t need your help or your Pity.

Please, go on with your eating of Salad, I eat that too. Continue to prosper as you use the elliptical to get an ass that looks like mine. Further your journey into the land of Thighs Don’t Touch, I hear it’s cold and dry there . . . but that might just be a rumor.

You might not agree with my thoughts, that’s totally fine.  But thank you for reading, feel free to comment/express your opinion. As long as it’s not about my body 🙂

Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do . . .

Let start off my saying, I’ve grown alot as a person in the last 10 months.  I’ve become a mature adult, and started to understand so many things about this wonderful world we are currently living in.  But I haven’t lost my GOT DAMN MIND! I am going to be voicing my opinions, if they offend you, I don’t care.  I’m an adult, and I can say what the FCUK I want, dammit. Shyt.

1) Show Up at A Girl’s House At 5 In the Morning.

Okay, first, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE???? Who does that? I was minding my own business, sleeping in my comfortable ass bed, when I hear a voice from afar . . . “Hey {Insert My Name Here}. It’s He’s So Pretty.  I got kicked out of my house. ”

My response, “Are you Fcuking Serious right now?”

Mind you, I would consider this dude a friend.  He’s cool, but a flake.  He has baby momma issues, and that’s HIS shyt. But are you for real right now? Did you just show up at my apartment at 5 in the morning, and we have NEVER had sex, weren’t looking to create a relationship, nothing.  We are just friends? WHO. DOES. THAT?!?!?! There are so many things WRONG with this situtation, like so many things.

• Why didn’t you call me first?
• Why in the Ass Fcuk Hell is it 5 in the morning?
• Why the hell did you show up at MY house?

And like an IDIOT, I actually opened the door.  I blame it on the fact that I wasn’t fully awake.  I said, “Chill on the couch, I will deal with you when I wake up.” Do you know, THIS mu’fcuka had the nerve to try to follow me into my bedroom.  OMG, first thing that came out of my mouth, “Have You LOST YOU FCUKING MIND?” He had the audacity, the unmitigated GALL, to look HURT. Then left in a huff.  MOTHER FCUK! Then, he sends me an EMAIL saying sorry.

About That . . . . Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do.

2) Pretend to be Over Something If You Aren’t

Dear Otis Toussaint, this is directed toward you.  Get Over that SHYT. Yes, the comment was made, it CLEARLY hurt your feelings.  But how much of a bitch are you going to be about the situation.  Telling only your side of the story to people, acting like a useless victim is cowardly, and stupid.  For some reason, you forget to mention calling people Fat Bitches, Cunts, and a plethora of other things.  You forgot to mention that you lied to my face, then tried to call me out on Facebook, less than 12 hours after saying that Internet beef is stupid/petty.  Oh.

Ok.

Also, we don’t care about you.  Seriously, you are a joke just like Ebe.  Your consistent BitchAssNess is the thing we dream of to bring Sum07 together.  We will also continue to antagonize you, because it bothers you.  And stop getting mad when people call you out for wanting to be Atom Kane.  We’ve accepted it, you should to. 🙂

BitchAssNess – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

3) Date Beneath You in 2011

Okay, it shouldn’t cost you to date a man.  I’m not talking about going out to dinner.  I’m talking about you have to change your whole life, just to be with him.  I mean, ruin relationships with other people because of your love for another man.  Broke Folk need love to, but loving them shouldn’t make you broke too.  I continue to see females doing the most OUTLANDISH stuff for men, in 2011.  Don’t you know we are in a Depression.  Every person in the relationship has GOT to be bringing something to the table.  This, “Oh, but he needs someone to help him out for a little while,” mentality is RUINING everything.

Being a Stupid Female – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

4) Be a Proud Black Republican

I MEAN REALLY! This isn’t 1865, when the Republicans were really the Democrats that we know today.  This is 2011, when a Republican running for the Highest Office in the Nation used to go hunting at a place called NiggerHead.  Wanna know why it was called NiggerHead, because a lot of them were chopped off on the land.  Black republicans have GOT to be the stupidest people alive.  I don’t care how conservative you are, at the end of the day, the Republican Party is doing everything in it’s POWER, to keep you Poor.

When they talk about making America a Better Place, did you ever notice that they are getting rid of programs that benefit Brown People.  They’re Just Not That Into You. When they say WE, they aren’t talking to you.  When you vote Republican, you are LITERALLY hurting yourself, and those around you.  It doesn’t matter how much money you have, they will tear you down in a MINUTE. Just look at Tiger Woods. I don’t care how long you served in the military, they put your black ass on the front lines for a reason.

Political Stupidity – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

Letters to Stupid People Vol 1.

So you know how you see people being stupid as shit and you really wanna just slide them a note letting them know that they are doing it wrong?…… No, just me?  Oh. Ok.

And that’s fine….But instead of writing people notes, I’ve decided to just write them letters. This might be to you, so you have been warned.

Dear Christian Black Woman,

I know you think that God lead you to your fiance. I know, becuz you meet him at a church function it must be a God sanctioned relationship. I know you think that the sign of a real relationship is Struggle, Pain, and Unhappiness. But God wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. He also wouldn’t have you continue to doubt your relationship less than 6 months before the wedding. That’s not God hunny, that’s you making a fcuked up decision. Just thought I would let you know.

Sincerely, A Concerned Soror

Dear Twitter Friend,

Your wife is cheating on you. I know you don’t wanna hear it, and I know becuz we met via twitter I don’t really have the right to tell you your wife is a selfish slutty bicth. But someone needs to tell you. Just know, when you finally accept the truth, I’m here for you.

Sincerely, Your Faithful Internet Friend

Dear Ex Boyfriend’s Fiance,

I broke up with him for a reason. Sure the dcik was good but ummmmm he’s an idiot. I’m sure that you have seen his potential and its great that he has it. But that’s all it is. So good luck with that. You have my deepest sympathies.

Sincerely, The One Who Got Away

Dear Ebe,

We will always find you. Doesn’t matter how many times you change your twitter handle, your face (In all its Oatmeal Clowny Goodness) can’t hide. Just like you jumped out the bushes when you were stalking AK so will #FGSSUM07. In your mentions and in your heart. Forever reminding you of the credit you ruined and the money you still owe some of us. We ain’t going nowhere.

Sincerely, Most of my Timeline

Dear ComicBookNerds,

Some of us don’t care that in the first edition of XMen Xavier’s wheelchair was made of wood. Let us just enjoy the got damn movie. We almost don’t care that Optimus Prime couldn’t have died in the second movie because in the ORIGINAL cartoon he was invincible. Shut The Fcuk Up!

Sincerely, People in the Movie Theatre

Dear Rev Dr Man of My Dreams,

I tried really hard to convince myself that I didn’t think we would probably be great for each other. But I also know that becuz of your belief system you could never publically date me. Becuz Fcuk will always be a word that I use frequently and I’m always gonna speak what I feel about uberreligious people. That’s too bad, cuz I really like you.

Sincerely, That Little Tinge of Regret

Dear Alcoholic Friend,

I know that your life was hard. I know even though you wont admit it, that your childhood was completely fcuked up. But liquor isn’t going to make it go away. Your parents and others are really worried about your safety at this point. Every time I get a call from your number at 4 in the morning I’m praying its your voice that I hear and not the police telling me that they found you laying in a ditch somewhere. Rehabilitation is the answer,

Sincerely, BiscuitHead

 

Dear Guy who’s in Love with my Best Friend,
I know you love her. She’s worthy of your love, even if she doesn’t believe it. But don’t sell yourself short. You can’t love her into loving you. She needs to learn to love herself first. Take care of you.

Sincerely, Me

No, I really don't tho . . .

You may consider this cowardly or passive/aggressive. Again, that’s fine. But I mean every word…..so there’s that.

*woot woot* Big Eddie LongStroke *woot woot*

Shoutout to @ambboogie for the title

I tried  so hard not to say anything.  I really did.  Sometimes I tend to rant about things, and I know that it’s really just me and my issues.  But, the divisiveness that is this Eddie Long{Stroke} Scandal has created is BEGGING to be blogged about. Folks have unfriended people on FB, and stopped talking to family members.  HAVE YOU PEOPLE LOST YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!?!?

I have already acknowledged to myself that most black people who consider themselves deeply religious aren’t. I have already acknowledged that I will never feel right in a church that stands and claps for three minutes every time their Pastor walks into a room.  I have already acknowledged that at some point most black people who belong to mega churches stopped having a relationship with God and started trying to praise their Pastor instead.

But you mean to tell me that only Catholic Priests have inappropriate relationships with boys?!?  That only republican senators can vehemently oppose homosexuality, and be practicing it at the same time.  You fucking SHEEP!!!! They SAID God called them! Did GOD send you a letter in the mail telling you, “Edward Long speaks to and for me,” no??? Then how do you know that this man isn’t just really charismatic, and realized that the world’s greatest hustle is being the Pastor of a Mega Church.  Because it is.

Note The Smirk

Any man arrogant enough to ordain himself a BISHOP, of a Non-Demoninational Church is, JUST, an asshole.

Yes, I believe there are men and women that GOD has called to help others.  However,  in my opinion, they are few and far between.  I’m actually willing to bet that the majority of the people who GOD called to lead/serve aren’t even preachers, let alone members of a church. Every Man of Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd isn’t a Godly Man.  {I learned this the hard way, seeing my dead beat father PROSPER in the church. *Le Sigh*}

This blind faith in a MAN is, again in my opinion, why things like this Eddie Long scandal have even happened. What mother in her right mind is going to allow a grown ass man to move her 17-year-old son into a house by himself, and not question his motives? More than likely, these mothers were so excited that “Bishop” had taken an interest in their child that they didn’t even think about why he was interested.

Cuz, this is what YOUR pastor sent to minors . . .

Coming from the city of Detroit, I can honestly say I know a lil’ something about the Mega Church Mentality. When I got back from college, I joined one of my city’s Mini-Mega Churches.  My Member number is 3120, and I joined in 2003 . . . Last thing I knew, the member numbers had hit about 9045.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Love LOVE my church. I love the music, the atmosphere, and the overall mission statement. I also love my Pastor, as a human being.

HOWEVER, working for the same Church you attend is an eye-opening experience. Everything looks pretty on Sunday morning, its Wednesday night that really shows you what the church was about.  Some things that showed me that EVERY church has it’s flaws and hustles.

• I was once told I didn’t tithe enough, and that if I needed help with it they could just take it out of my check for me.
• The letter that we got at the end of every year, suggesting that we as members start the new year off right by giving a sacrificial offering at the Watch Night Service (That’s New Years Eve Service for my non-black readers). The requested amount $800
• When my Pastor returned to the Church, after surviving Prostate Cancer, the Men’s ministry bought him a Bentley. A Fully Loaded, Black on Black, Bentley. But they don’t have a scholarship fund 0_o
• One day, a lady came running into the office, requesting to speak with the Pastor.  She said her husband was dying, and she just needed someone to pray with her, because she was losing faith. She was told that she needed to make an appointment, and someone would call her.

You gotta admit, he does have a nice body tho . . . too soon?

If anyone ever read the bible, they could use it to justify anything. The same book that says homosexuality is a sin says that eating shellfish, wearing poly-cotton blends, and growing corn and soy together in the same field will send you to hell. It’s a book people, not God’s personal doctrine. People wrote the Books of the Bible, NOT JESUS.  He wasn’t even alive to write it. And the book that you call manna from heaven was put together by a council of men, who picked and chose what they felt it should say.

Black People, yes, I’m talking to you right now.  Stop following men like Eddie Long, and T.D. Jakes, and Creflo {His Mama didn’t love him at all} Dollar. The only place they are going to lead you is into debt and shaky faith. The very people who most need the money they have, spend it on books/cds/tapes these men sell at FULL RETAIL PRICE, telling them things they already know about their life.  Do they offer solutions to their problems?? Maybe? But frequently, the answer is, Tithe more. God will Notice, and bless you. Unless they have God’s fax Number and/or he audit’s their monthly deposits, GOD really has no way of knowing what you gave.  But “Bishop” does.  So does his accountant, his financial advisor, and his stock broker.

They Spinnin' Nigga they Spinnin'

You don’t need a man to lead you to God. He’s everywhere if you look around you. To paraphrase the Bible, “ALL MEN FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF THE LORD”, or something like that. You will falter, its in your nature as a human. Because that is what Eddie Long is, a human. Who has some things he needs to admit to himself and the thousands of people who follow him. If you are going to pass judgement on him, make sure you acknowledge your flaws as well…..

This right Here . . . Explains EVERYTHING (T.I. being prayed over at New Birth Ministries)

I’m just saying

The Power of Christ Compels You . . .

Okay.  So just for a second we are going to pretend that I am not horribly racist, and that I can write a blog that is not completely based on my supreme dislike of White People Churches.

That being said, I Hate White People Church.  Not because I hate White People, but because their church is boring as hell. *I will be cursing in this blog about religion, GTFOI* Not boring becuz it’s White People.  But boring because CLEARLY they don’t serve the same God as I do.

Let’s discuss the White People Church Service I went to this morning.

All White People Churches Look Like This

I should have known when I walked in.  I was trying to have hope, but the average age of the people in the congregation was 60.  And not “Sexy 60” more like “age spot, leather skin, diet my whole life type 60,” ya dig?  But I was like, “Do NOT judge these people and their love of our Lord Jesus Christ.  They could be live as hell.”

So I find my seat on the far left, which is where i sit so that no one can see me tweeting, and begin to peruse the “bulletin.” Except, at White People Church, it’s called a Program.  It’s in Full Color and it’s a 11×17 trifold. It was all good until I saw this:

Biblical Influence on the U.S. Constitution

MU’FUCKA FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just forget separation of Church and State (that’s in the FUCKING CONSTITUTION) Is that what we do at Church? I knew at this point that I wasn’t going to enjoy this church.  I also knew they were not happy that I was there.  I was still like, maybe this will work.  Maybe I can make it without being mad.  Then a portly gentleman touches me on my back and says:

Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your singing “Let Freedom Ring.”

Me: Yeah, I don’t go to this church, this is my first time here

Him: Oh Wow, Ya’ll really do all look alike.

Me:

30 FUCKING SECONDS LATER:

Her: I loved your Solo

Me: That wasn’t me

Her: Are you sure, you look just like her!

Me: (~_-)

Yup. Service hadn’t even started yet.  Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see what signifies the beginning of praise and worship in White People Church. 4 White dudes in Khaki Shorts, Striped Polo’s Thong Sandals, holding various types of Guitars.  Yes Friends, the Praise Team is Here!  One Bass Guitar, an Electric Guitar, Two Acoustic Guitars, a dude on a piano w/ a mike, and two white girls in sun dresses! Let’s Get Ready to Praise White Jesus!!!!

Not the Praise Team from this morning, but You get the gist.

The leader of the Praise Team thought he was Jason Mraz, just a strummin’ his guitar and scatting during songs that did NOT require vocalizations.  White People Churches don’t really praise God.  They sing at him.  At one point, this lady started tapping her feet.  Her husband nudged her.  She stopped.

Not a hand was clapped or waved.  They just read the words of the screen, and swayed to the beat.  Everything was to the tune of the most boring song you have ever heard.  But my tweet game was on POINT! To break up my consistant live tweeting, I took a look at other pages in the Program.  I saw this:

EXACTLY

But not that you called ur congregation out for not giving enough.  At a Black People Church, when a deficit occurs you just get a 4 week series on the Benefits of Tithing.  In White People Church they just show you the numbers, and let you be ashamed.  That’s deep as hell Dude.

At this point, I also noticed that all their songs are sung in the Kings English. “Worthy Lord, thou art Merciful.  Dost thou accept thy child’s praise,” Are you Freaking Serious.  Jesus stopped listening to you YEARS ago!

Finally, we get to the Sermon.  At this point, I look over to the student that was the reason I was there for, and saw her eyes filming over.  She wasn’t into it, at all.  So he starts to talk.  About how the World has gone to shit since 1962, when the courts took prayer out of schools.  He had charts.  Pie Graphs.

“We just need to keep putting people in Congress that understand that God’s way in the only way.”

In the back of my mind, I pictured them all at Heath Ledger’s Funeral holding these signs:

This is real.

Half my family is White.  I don’t hate White People.  But White People at churches like the one above, and the one I attended this morning, I can REALLY do without.  The last thing that he said, before the Communion (and why was their communion on a 2nd Sunday?) was:

“The Founders of the Country were Christians.  Let Jesus in your life.”

Yup. He Did.  I have much more to say.  I’m just too pissed to type anymore.

Thanx for Reading!

Words and Sounds of my Life Vol VII: In Due Time

Just Keep Your Faith in Me, don’t act impatiently

You’ll get where you need to be, In Due Time.

Even when things are slow, Hold On and Don’t Let Go,

I’ll give you what I owe, In Due Time . . . .

I couldn’t find a song last night, that would best describe how I was feeling.  My Lil sis called me, and I couldn’t help her, because I was feeling some kind of way, about everything that was going on in my head.  So many thoughts and feelings, so much stuff that I was trying to process, and I just couldn’t deal.  But This Morning . . .

Oh Lord This Morning . . .

Someone’s status message took me right there.  I’m mad because things didn’t go my way.  That all my best laid plans didn’t work out.  I should be mad that I forgot I wasn’t in control.  It’s when I start planning things, that everything goes wrong.  I might not be a Jesus Freak, but I know that God is the Head of my Life.  So if he is, what am I doing get mad because I didn’t get my way? OBVIOUSLY, It wasn’t supposed to go that way.

Struggling’s just a part of my day
Many obstacles have been placed in my way
I know the only reason that I make it through
Is because I never stop believing in you

When I was Younger, I made things happen.  Not in a magical wand, crazy witch girl kind of way, but in the literal sense.  My classmates used to hate me, because I always got my way.  I would just SAY I wanted something to happen and it did.  Why? Because I had that kind of Faith.  I had mustard seed Faith, the blind Faith that comes before life tragedies, and life changes, and heartbreak.  The Kind of Faith that can get things done.

My Life got difficult when I started doubting my place in the world.  When I let other people tell me what I was capable of.  What I was Worthy of. When I let things other than my Faith influence my life choices.

Some people wonder why we’re here in the 1st place?
They can’t believe because they ain’t never seen your face
But even when you pray, the next day you gotta try
Can it wait 4 nobody 2 come down out the sky

No, I never expected it to fall into my lap.  I just expected it to happen.  The Secret isn’t actually a Secret . . . it’s Faith.  It’s hard to have Faith, when you look around you and can’t see where your life path is leading you.  But that is what BLIND FAITH means.  Trusting some kind of higher power to be there for you and guide you when you are lost.  Crazy thing, I’m not Lost . . . Just took a wrong turn.

You’ve got to realize that the world’s a test
You can only do your best and let him do the rest
You’ve got your life, you’ve got your health
So quit procrastinating and push it yourself

“Everything for a reason . . . ” I said that like 400 times yesterday, to justify something that didn’t go my way.  But it’s true.  Every experience I have ever had has helped me get to where I am now.  So yes, I’m kinda disappointed, but I will Live.  Because that is what the lord put me on this earth to do.

And Everything Will Get to Me . . . . In Due Time.

Late Night Ramblings of 2010 #4: Filling the Void/Closing the Gap

Last year, I wrote a note on FB called  Pieces of Me. I strongly suggest you check it out before reading this, because this is actually a continuation of that note.

You never know when someone can change your life.  You also never know when you will be the person to change a stranger’s life.  In the conversations I have had with people this year, one thing that seems to become more and more obvious is that a lot of people are walking around with Pieces Missing.  We go about our days, making due with what we have.

Some of us have those late nights when the emptiness becomes too much to handle, and we can’t help but have a breakdown.  One of those nights when you can’t sleep, because every thought you have ever had about your life is running through your head.  You are trying your hardest to Fake it Until you Make It.  But in the loneliness of your thoughts, you have to come face to face with the Void that exists within you.

Today, I admitted to {for all intents and purposes} a complete stranger, that for most of my life, I filled that Void with food.  I had never even admitted that to MYSELF. The void left in me by my relationship with my father was a large one.  It’s affected every relationship I have ever tried to have.  The pain that comes from the constant rejection of someone who is SUPPOSED to love you is often times unbearable.

People who have never experienced that pain will try to tell you, “But God Loves You.” or “All You need is Gods Love, he will fill that Void.” They are wrong.  Disagree with me if you want, but they won’t know what that feels like.  To look at how your parent(s) treat other people, and know that you don’t get that same love.

People in Arizona respect my father.  They tell me all the time what a great man my father is.

They are talking about the same man who told me I was never going to amount to anything, because my mother raised me.  The hypocrisy of who my father has become is awe-inspiring.  He’s a Member in Good Standing at his church.  He runs the entire Jail Ministry.  He spends more time with Inmates than he ever did with his own children.  This is my father.  This is the man whose name will be tied to mine until I get married.

I gained about 40 pounds while I lived with him.  The Void was looking me in the face for 11 months.  I was deemed less than, unimportant, and finally a burden while I lived with him.  The only person who understood what that felt like was my mother, because she had lived it as well.  Much of my fathers dislike for me is based on his feelings for my mother.  He was punishing me for what he deemed my mother’s transgressions.

So why did I move to Arizona in the first place?

Because I was tired of being broken.

I was tired of hating myself because of what someone else had told me was a flaw.  I was tired of filling the Void with Food, and Sex, and wrongly invested attachments.  I was tired of searching for love from all the wrong people.  I came here because I wanted to see if I could forgive my father for the hurt he caused.  Having hate in your heart doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you.

I had to Close the Gap. I had to take all those feelings of Abandonment, and Unworthiness, and Self-Loathing, and examine them.

It would have been great if I could have done that in a week, then found a Job, and moved on with my life, but it took a year.  Living in a hostile environment can bring out the best or the worst in a person.

Thankfully, it brought out the Best in Me. It brought out the Writer in Me.  It brought out the Singer in Me.  It brought out the Public Speaker in Me. It brought out the Beauty in Me.  It brought out the Child of God in Me.

After the late night walks, and tears, and late night phone conversations, I survived.

I write this for all those people who don’t know if they can make it.  Who see themselves in a place of such darkness that they can’t fathom coming out on the other side.  For those of you who have a pain so deep inside, you can’t seem describe it in words.  For those of us who cry ourselves to sleep every night, and beg the Lord for a release from this pain.

You can Fill the Void.  You can Close the Gap.  Be strong in YOU.  Remember what YOU want for yourself.  Remember your Goals.  Keep your GOALS in a visible place, so that you can have a reminder, that it’s not going to be like this forever.

You can survive.  You WILL survive.

Because I Did.  For a long time, I didn’t know if I would.  But I Did.

And So Will You.

Real Nigga Shit (c) AK Volume 11: I’m So Ambitious . . .

Life’s a Game, but It’s not Fair,
I Break the Rules so I Don’t Care.
So I’ll keep doing my Own Thing,
Walking Tall Against the Rain.

Victory’s within the Mile,
Almost There, Don’t Give Up Now,
Only Thing That’s on My Mind,
Is Who’s Gonna Run This Town Tonight?

Jigga Jigga That Nigga Jigga . . .

It’s been a while, RNS Readers. I had to wait for the proper motivation. My motivation today comes from an entire 72 hours listening to nothing but Jay-Z (there was a brief Eminem Interlude inspired by his Flyness on Renegade). I didn’t know I was a Jay-Z Fan, until I looked through my MP3 library, and noticed I have EVERY album. Even most of the underground Mixtapes. I might not have listened to them, but I have them. And I BOUGHT his albums. Like on CD. Who does that?!?

Even though I downloaded The BluePrint 3, I already ordered my copy from Amazon.com, so I will own that one too. I am almost proud of myself for being Loyal to Jigga for this long. (I can’t even be loyal to what kind of ToothPaste I Like!) I didn’t even listen to him until college, but I quickly understood that he knew what he was talking about. Going through his entire Discography this weekend, I realized WHY I Love Jay-Z . . .

Something about a Suit . . . Even Ugly dudes look good!

Evolution . . .

Sean Carter aka Jigga aka Iceberg Slim aka S. Carter (You Must Try Harder) aka Hova aka Jay-Z has evolved. He went from Rappin’ about the Dope Game, to rappin’ at the Inauguration of the First Black President. In Less than 15 years.

Jay-Z is the Definition of Hip-Hop.

Realizing that lead me to these next few Real Nigga Shit Statements.

. . . Locked In are We?

Real Nigga Shit #57: Everyone can’t Be Your Role Model
People can claim to be a Role Model, but do they know what that means? Soulja Boy swears he’s a Mogul-in-the-Making, but that Fool can’t even spell his name. Everyone isn’t meant to be the next leader of the generation. What has T-Pain done for the Youth, other than lead them into his personal land of Coonery?

Yeah, Diddy was tweeting about the Protests on Howard’s Campus (where he attended, but didn’t graduate) but what group has he ever created and given financial freedom to? The reason he is so rich is because he owns the Publishing to every group he has ever worked with. Back to MJ and Jodeci. So yeah, he is ballin out of control, and is Locked In for the Cause . . . But he’s more of the problem than he is the solution.

Some would say, you can’t look up to a former Drug Dealer. Why Not? Stupid Republican folks look up to a Former Drug Addict (Rush Limbaugh)and a Flaming Idiot (Glenn Beck). Yeah, he was a Drug Mogul . . . But that isn’t where he stayed. He was smart enough to realize that this might pay the bills, but it would also get him killed. So he moved on. Look at the things he has done since he left the drug game, they far outweigh his years on the street.

Nowadays, folks listen for a good hook and a cute dance move. But Lyrically, he didn’t name those albums The Blueprint for nothing. He’s like GIVING people the key to be as big as him. But instead, they listen to Durrough and T-Pain and look for strippers and cars with an Ice Cream Paint Job.

Mogul . . . The True Meaning of the Word

Real Nigga Shit #58: Respect My Conglomerate, Stop Trying to Bankrupt It
Every person you consider a close friend should be down for your cause. And not just think it’s a good idea, but be actively willing to help you reach that goal. Providing you the motivation you need when you are afraid to fail. Even if they think in their head you are going to fall on your face, they still should be down to ride.

I have surrounded myself with so many people who enable me to be less than what I am. After a while, you stop believing in yourself. You get yourself stuck in a rut, and you can’t figure out which way is out.

Cut them Busters LOOSE! I

f they aren’t on your level, and they aren’t trying to get there, why are you with them again? I’d rather not get to talk to you when I want to because we are both busy making something of ourselves, to be honest. If either one of us is easily accessible all the time, what the F*ck are we doing?

This is not a F*ck you to all those people I don’t talk to very often, it’s just a call to arms. Are you on your Grind? Are you on the corner hustlin’ or are you on the Couch watching TV. When you think about where you will be in the next 5 years, does it include the words Debt Free? or Does it include the words, Dealing with the same BullSh*t?

Real Nigga Shit #59: The P-U-S-S-Y is only Powerful Because You Allow It To Be
I Love that Song, really I do! It speaks the truth about so much. Why do men put so much emphasis on getting Money? Power? Fame? Because they are all trying to get laid. Here is my question?

What kind of P-U-S-S-Y are you trying to get?

Because it seems to me that ya’ll are doing all that work to get sub-standard affection? Club Hoes are the one’s who are benefiting from your hard work. You worried about that cough you got since you hit up that chick at Club Esco last week, meanwhile she is on to the next dude that bought her a drink.

Who are you trying to impress?

It must not be real females. Because RNS, We ain’t Impressed. Everything you have, you worked for. So Did We! You spend all your time working, to give your money away. That’s like renting a Condo, don’t make no sense. Then you get mad because the Club Hoe you thought was gone be the Bonnie to your Clyde has 4 Baby Daddies and 2 Kids, has been on Maury 6 Times, and has a bad case of the Herp. Yeah, that P-U-S-S-Y was powerful, and you ain’t the only one who thought so.

What I See Ahead of Me . . .

Real Nigga Shit #59: I’m On To the Next One
Plans Change. At the age of 20, I was going to be the world’s best teacher, changing the way that people taught children. At the age of 24, I was gonna save the Black Youth in Detroit, one non-reading 3rd Grader at a time. At 26, my home daycare was going to revolutionize the industry. At 27, I’m going to use my verbal skills to mold the minds of Teachers, who will then go back and change their students lives.

Sh*t Happens. So does Toilet Paper. Clean up your mess, and move the F*ck on!

If one thing doesn’t work out, you HAVE to move on to the next one. I am still helping children, which has been my underlying goal since I was 10 and I thought I was going to be a pediatrician. I just have to keep adjusting the way that I am doing it. Flexibility isn’t just good in the bedroom (shout out to that Downward Dog Position I just Learned in Yoga) If you aren’t willing to change your habits when you are kicked out of your comfort zone, when will you be?

Because I was actually listening to some of Jay-Z’s lyrics, and the bomb ass interview he did on Real Time with Bill Maher, I realized that his main ambition was not only changing his environment, but finding new environments to Explore and Conquer. I mean, that’s in the Bible. Evolution, moving past what you know, and seeking things you don’t. Understanding that you have a higher purpose, that you aren’t meant to work at McDonald’s or Meijer’s or Kroger’s forever, unless you are working your way up the Corporate Food Chain.

I leave you friends with the Chorus to So Ambitious, my favorite Song on The BluePrint 3

The Motivation For Me
was Them Telling Me What I Could Not Be, Oh Well

I’m So Ambitious . . .
{sic}

Hey I’m on A Mission
No Matter What The Conditions

F*ck all your PERSONAL ISSUES
When You Know What I Been Through

Hey, If You Believe It,
Then You Can Conceive It

Comments are Always Welcome!

How I Feel about: Homosexuality

WARNING: This blog contains my PERSONAL OPINIONS on several controversial subjects in today’s Society.  If you are sensitive, a bigot, a racist, or just a stupid ass person, STOP READING RIGHT NOW! Other than that, enjoy the blog.

Topic #1: Homosexuality

I figured I would get this one out of the way right now.  Anyone who knows me well, and especially knew me the last few years of college can tell you, I Heart the Gays! Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that some people in my life were different than others.  My god-brother, my childhood best friend, and a family memebr or 2, all gay.  And they were my favorite people to be around. (This is just the background, the good part is coming, I swear.) Now, becuz I work for a church, I have recently stiffled some of my more “liberal” views, in order to not have to argue with stupid, close minded Christians. (Not saying all of them are that way, but most of the ones that go to my church, and that I know from work, TOTALLY ARE!)

Now, I look at Homosexuality the same way I look at “Obesity.” It’s something that you are born with.  While I do know some people who chose it after they had been fucked over by the opposite sex, most people I know have been that way since birth.  Just like you can’t make an obese person stop gaining weight, (not Fat people, OBESE, there is a different) you can’t stop a person from being Gay.  There is no quick fix, there is no de-programming available, there are no pills that person can take.  They are gay, and that is it.

The Stupid Close-Minding Christians I referred to before, base their argument on the Bible.  Now, if we totally forget the fact that neither Jesus or God wrote the Bible, and the fact that 1) If was written by the Jewish Elders of the time 2) It started out with almost 1000 books, and was whittled down to less than 100 3) and those books were chosen by an Emperor named Constantine (not even a clergy man) . . . If we totally discount those very true facts, and just say they are made up, then the whole argument is based on a verse in Leviticus . . . and I quote,” Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.(Leviticus 18:22)”

Now, that clearly states that Homosexuality, NOT LESBIANISM is an abomination beofre the Lord.  Bible law states that any abomination beofre the Lord is punishable by death.  So, IN THEORY, any gay person who has gay sex, is going to hell.  This is a “law from God.” (You still with me people? My counterpoint is coming, right now in fact)

Leviticus 19:19 “You shall not sow your field with mixed seed.  Nor shall a garment of mixed linen and wool come upon you.” This, my faithful reader, states that a farmer is not supposed to have more than one seed in his field at a time.  So what about those farms that grow corn and wheat and grass, in the same field. THEY ARE GOING TO HELL THAT’S WHAT. And that Poly/Cotton Blend Gucci top you love so much, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!!!!

See, the whole Literal Interpretation of the Bible thing kinda becomes a moot point, when you read past that 1 of 6 “references” to the “sin” of Homosexuality. I hate when people are ignorant, or only rely on what they have been told.  If you actually took time to read the Bible, especially Leviticus, you would find that we commit abominations before God an a daily basis.

So stop hating on who people love, and how they love.  If they aren’t trying to love on you, what is the big fucking deal? And if someone of the same sex does approach you, take it as a complement.  Gays are FAR MORE discriminating than straight people!

P.S. Today, I made a bag that said I Heart Friends, and I used the rainbow colors.  Not because it was my subtle way of coming out to the masses, becuz we all know, I ONLY STALK MEN! But because, all my friends, are different, and mulitple colors fit the motif i was going for.  It immediately became, Joy is trying to tell us something.  When did the rainbow stop being a symbol of God’s Promise, and can only be known as the “Gay Colors.” That sounds stupid, becuz in truth, if you wear any color that is in the Rainbow, you are promoting Gay Culture.  You Dumb Ass!  I hate stupid people, FUCK! By the way, my bag is going to be FUCKING AWESOME!

My Fight with the Man (Part II)

Yeah, this is probably going to be an on-going saga, because everyday they keep messing with me?!?!? So first let us continue the Story of Little Black Girl.

Now, when we last saw Little Black Girl, she had just that the “Well Son of a Bitch, that makes complete sense!” epiphany. And we just knew that things were going to turn around, because she now knew exactly how the world was going to work for her. NOW, she was told by her boss – we will just call her Great Black Boss Lady – she was going to handle the situation. And at the end of the day, everything would be in order.

So LBG had a thought – maybe if they called her other boss, LWL for short, then maybe she could handle the situation. Because the bottom line which we discussed in Part One is Money. And the LWL handled the money, shit it’s her company. So GBBL basically kissed that ass. Gushed about how great the Company was, and how excited she was to be working with them this year. And the only bone of contention was the $4 discrepancy in the hourly wage.

GBBL and LWL had a great conversation, and LWL actually told the GBBL about extra money that was left over from another program they had, which would clear up the budget for the Principal of the School on the East Side of Some City. So things were looking up. Invoices were submitting, and LBG and her co-worker were excited that on Tuesday, they were going to get their paychecks, just like everyone else.

But of course, the LWM had other plans . . . they were told that the only way the $4 discrepancy could be taken care of was if they had a letter stating that the wage was state mandated, and not the idea of GBBL. NOW, the Principal of the School on the East Side of Some City is a Black Man, he can call him Mr. B. NOW, LBG and her co-worker typed up this letter, because it wasn’t that big of a deal, it was approved by Mr. B. and sent out Tuesday morning, so they could pick up their checks that night.

You think they got their checks? Do you really . . . you must not know how the man works . . . how about the Next step in the Step and Fetch move for $4 was that the request had to be sent to the board of the Company. Now would probably be a good time to tell you a little bit more about the Company. The Company has a total of about 25 employees, and they are part time. Of these 25 people, only 5 are office employees, the rest are either sales reps, or center directors.(The Company has 5 locations)

NOW, if your company in a national company, then yes, there is a board that you need to speak to. But if you, the OWNER of the company, have to present something to a Board about $4, then maybe you aren’t running your company correctly. But maybe it doesn’t have to be presented to the Board, maybe they are just determined to not give these LBG’s their money. Maybe they refuse to believe that these LBG aren’t going to back down, or catipulate to the system that hired them and yet doesn’t want to give them their due.

So to say that I was upset about LBG’s plight yesterday, would be like saying that Halle is ever going to end up with a black man or that Michael Vick is going to open up a Humane Society Building in the back of his house. I was so angry I said Fuck on my mother’s answering machine . . . I don’t curse in front of her, or if she is the same building, so that is a REALLY big deal. I cried my way out of work yesterday, thinking about the fight that I was under-taking for $4.

So I went to Barnes & Nobles, and bought 2 books, with the intention to read them both that night. (Some people drink away their problems, I read and write) But something told me to go to church. Now those of you who know me know that me going to church, when no one died, or nothing special was happening is again, a REALLY big deal. So I went to church, and prepared myself for a message from the Lord.

Because at this point, the only person who could handle this situation is the Lord. So the first 2 songs of Praise and Worship were cool, I knew them, I sang them, it was good. . . the 3rd song though, that third song! “Til the Walls Fall” by Martha Munizzi . . . it’s like they were singing to me!

You are Awesome God
You’re a Mighty King
My sword and shield,
You are my strength

In this one thing
I am confident
You will fight for me
You are my defense!

I will not back up
Not back down
Stake my Claim
Stand my Ground

Shout for Joy, Till the Walls Come Down

I will Stand My Ground, Til the Walls Come Down!

I mean really, it just kind of renewed my strength and my faith, that it was going to be okay. And that at the end of the day, it wasn’t even something I could control. So yes, the fight still exists, but I think imma let The Black Jesus handle this one. Because the White Jesus would probably think, “Let these little black girls take that $4 pay cut. Because they are doing good that I provided them with the current pay rate. The beggers can’t be choosers!”

But The Black Jesus, he is gonna fight. HE is gonna talk to Johnnie Cochran, get MLK and Malcolm in on the discussion about the pay rate. There will be marching all over Heaven! And the Black Jesus will be there right in the front, with a sign that says, “Heaven No, Give them Their Dough!”

So yeah, the Fight with the Man has hit a holding pattern, which us holding on to wait for the next hoop to jump through, or step and fetch routine, or Kow-Towing maneuver that will lead us down the path to that $4 increase. But happy note, we thought we were going to have to cut our hours, to deal with the school’s budget crisis. . .

But how about the Black Jesus is already hooking us up, because he found us something else to do at the school, which will a) require us to be there for all hours of the school day b) secure our positions for the entire school year c) and will basically allow us to once again show how great we are!