Tag Archive | Stupid Christians

Dear Skinny Stranger Bitch . . . You Don’t Know My Story

*If I was your teacher in your youth, I’m sorry you had to read these harsh words   If I taught your child, I’m sorry you had to see these harsh words.  But, they must be said.*

I went to church today.  My wonderful Pastor was talking about “Breaking Out of Your Rut” in life.  Evidently during my gallivanting (Defn: to go about in search of pleasure) last weekend, I missed part one.

Today’s sermon focused on the last 3 steps to escaping your Rut. The point we are discussing, indeed the catalyst for this rant was Exercise Your Body.  His main point during the sermon was, Movement of your body inspires you to do more in your everyday life.  My rant, however, is not about my Pastor’s words.  It’s about a complete stranger’s way of dealing with them.

Episode #1: As my Pastor is talking, he says, “Now say to your Neighbor, Movement is Good.” My Neighbor to my left says, “You should really listen to what he is saying.

Who Bitch What?!?!?!?

I didn’t say anything, because I knew that if I punched this random Skinny Stranger Bitch in her fucking face, I would probably be asked to leave.  So I just said Amen, and went back to listening to my Pastor.

Episode #2: My Pastor stated something to the effect of, “Y0ur homework for this week is to get up and move.  Walk 15 minutes.” The Skinny Stranger Bitch then gave me the  Holy Helpful Stranger arm rub and said, ‘Now I know it’s hard for you to lose all that weight.  But you have to try.”

Who. Bitch. What?!?!?!?!?

Episode #3: My Pastor then stated something to the effect of, Movement will make you feel better about yourself. Again with the Holy Helpful Stranger Arm Rub, “I have a niece that’s bi— Full Figured like you, and I tell her all the time, You have to try.”

Mother. Fuck.

First of all, stop touching me heaux, I don’t know you like that.  Second of all, all fat people are not the same.  Third, my thighs touching is not an indicator  I Hate My Life.  You Don’t Know My Story.  You don’t know SHIT about me.  You look at me and see a Fat Girl. And that, is the Mother. Fucking. Problem.

I have never met this woman in my life.  She doesn’t know that I’ve lost 60lbs in the last 13 months, and I am working toward losing another 30 before June.  But HOW DARE YOU . . . My Fat is not your business.  Even if I was 600lbs, you don’t have the right to give me advice about what to do with my body.  You have enough room on the bench, my fat is not touching you – so kindly Shut The Fuck Up.

I think her compulsion to save me is actually part of a bigger issue – that is,  the need to help those we deem less fortunate than us.  Of course this assessment of need is based solely on outward physical appearance.

I call what she did Skinny Bitch Privilege.   The Skinny Bitch feels they are the media’s (read: the USA Media) representation of ‘Beauty,” so this means they have the right to ‘help’ people get like them.  They ASSUME anyone who isn’t like them, just hasn’t had the right motivation to Get Like Them. Their Mindset seems to be, “Oh Woe is You.  Please allow me to help you on your journey to being a better person.

Fat DOES NOT EQUAL Unhappy/Sick/Lazy. If there is one constant annoyance in these past 13 months, it has been the perception/assumption that my weight loss happened because I was finally tired of being fat.  It didn’t.  It happened because someone told me I couldn’t do it.  A 60 day challenge turned into a lifestyle change.

Do I feel better now that I’ve lost weight? Yes.  Do I have more energy? Yes. Do rainbows now fly out of my soul every time I work out? No.  Do I know feel complete and whole? NO.  I wasn’t miserable at 378lbs. I’m not ridiculously happy at 318lbs. But however I feel about my body, you will NEVER have the right to tell me your opinion about it.

Listen Skinny Bitch, I’m good.  I eat what I want, I don’t suffer from any sort of guilt/shame about my size.  I’m a grown ass woman.  I like food I know isn’t good for me, and if I feel like it, Imma eat that shit! I don’t need your help or your Pity.

Please, go on with your eating of Salad, I eat that too. Continue to prosper as you use the elliptical to get an ass that looks like mine. Further your journey into the land of Thighs Don’t Touch, I hear it’s cold and dry there . . . but that might just be a rumor.

You might not agree with my thoughts, that’s totally fine.  But thank you for reading, feel free to comment/express your opinion. As long as it’s not about my body 🙂

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Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do . . .

Let start off my saying, I’ve grown alot as a person in the last 10 months.  I’ve become a mature adult, and started to understand so many things about this wonderful world we are currently living in.  But I haven’t lost my GOT DAMN MIND! I am going to be voicing my opinions, if they offend you, I don’t care.  I’m an adult, and I can say what the FCUK I want, dammit. Shyt.

1) Show Up at A Girl’s House At 5 In the Morning.

Okay, first, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE???? Who does that? I was minding my own business, sleeping in my comfortable ass bed, when I hear a voice from afar . . . “Hey {Insert My Name Here}. It’s He’s So Pretty.  I got kicked out of my house. ”

My response, “Are you Fcuking Serious right now?

Mind you, I would consider this dude a friend.  He’s cool, but a flake.  He has baby momma issues, and that’s HIS shyt. But are you for real right now? Did you just show up at my apartment at 5 in the morning, and we have NEVER had sex, weren’t looking to create a relationship, nothing.  We are just friends? WHO. DOES. THAT?!?!?! There are so many things WRONG with this situtation, like so many things.

  • Why didn’t you call me first?
  • Why in the Ass Fcuk Hell is it 5 in the morning?
  • Why the hell did you show up at MY house?

And like an IDIOT, I actually opened the door.  I blame it on the fact that I wasn’t fully awake.  I said, “Chill on the couch, I will deal with you when I wake up.” Do you know, THIS mu’fcuka had the nerve to try to follow me into my bedroom.  OMG, first thing that came out of my mouth, “Have You LOST YOU FCUKING MIND?” He had the audacity, the unmitigated GALL, to look HURT. Then left in a huff.  MOTHER FCUK! Then, he sends me an EMAIL saying sorry.

About That . . . . Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do.

2) Pretend to be Over Something If You Aren’t

Dear Otis Toussaint, this is directed toward you.  Get Over that SHYT. Yes, the comment was made, it CLEARLY hurt your feelings.  But how much of a bitch are you going to be about the situation.  Telling only your side of the story to people, acting like a useless victim is cowardly, and stupid.  For some reason, you forget to mention calling people Fat Bitches, Cunts, and a plethora of other things.  You forgot to mention that you lied to my face, then tried to call me out on Facebook, less than 12 hours after saying that Internet beef is stupid/petty.  Oh.

Ok.

Also, we don’t care about you.  Seriously, you are a joke just like Ebe.  Your consistent BitchAssNess is the thing we dream of to bring Sum07 together.  We will also continue to antagonize you, because it bothers you.  And stop getting mad when people call you out for wanting to be Atom Kane.  We’ve accepted it, you should to. 🙂

BitchAssNess – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

3) Date Beneath You in 2011

Okay, it shouldn’t cost you to date a man.  I’m not talking about going out to dinner.  I’m talking about you have to change your whole life, just to be with him.  I mean, ruin relationships with other people because of your love for another man.  Broke Folk need love to, but loving them shouldn’t make you broke too.  I continue to see females doing the most OUTLANDISH stuff for men, in 2011.  Don’t you know we are in a Depression.  Every person in the relationship has GOT to be bringing something to the table.  This, “Oh, but he needs someone to help him out for a little while,” mentality is RUINING everything.

Being a Stupid Female – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

4) Be a Proud Black Republican

I MEAN REALLY! This isn’t 1865, when the Republicans were really the Democrats that we know today.  This is 2011, when a Republican running for the Highest Office in the Nation used to go hunting at a place called NiggerHead.  Wanna know why it was called NiggerHead, because a lot of them were chopped off on the land.  Black republicans have GOT to be the stupidest people alive.  I don’t care how conservative you are, at the end of the day, the Republican Party is doing everything in it’s POWER, to keep you Poor.

When they talk about making America a Better Place, did you ever notice that they are getting rid of programs that benefit Brown People.  They’re Just Not That Into You. When they say WE, they aren’t talking to you.  When you vote Republican, you are LITERALLY hurting yourself, and those around you.  It doesn’t matter how much money you have, they will tear you down in a MINUTE. Just look at Tiger Woods. I don’t care how long you served in the military, they put your black ass on the front lines for a reason.

Political Stupidity – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

Letters to Stupid People Vol 1.

So you know how you see people being stupid as shit and you really wanna just slide them a note letting them know that they are doing it wrong?…… No, just me?  Oh. Ok. O_o

And that’s fine….But instead of writing people notes, I’ve decided to just write them letters. This might be to you, so you have been warned.

Dear Christian Black Woman,

I know you think that God lead you to your fiance. I know, becuz you meet him at a church function it must be a God sanctioned relationship. I know you think that the sign of a real relationship is Struggle, Pain, and Unhappiness. But God wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. He also wouldn’t have you continue to doubt your relationship less than 6 months before the wedding. That’s not God hunny, that’s you making a fcuked up decision. Just thought I would let you know.

Sincerely, A Concerned Soror

Dear Twitter Friend,

Your wife is cheating on you. I know you don’t wanna hear it, and I know becuz we met via twitter I don’t really have the right to tell you your wife is a selfish slutty bicth. But someone needs to tell you. Just know, when you finally accept the truth, I’m here for you.

Sincerely, Your Faithful Internet Friend

Dear Ex Boyfriend’s Fiance,

I broke up with him for a reason. Sure the dcik was good but ummmmm he’s an idiot. I’m sure that you have seen his potential and its great that he has it. But that’s all it is. So good luck with that. You have my deepest sympathies.

Sincerely, The One Who Got Away

Dear Ebe,

We will always find you. Doesn’t matter how many times you change your twitter handle, your face (In all its Oatmeal Clowny Goodness) can’t hide. Just like you jumped out the bushes when you were stalking AK so will #FGSSUM07. In your mentions and in your heart. Forever reminding you of the credit you ruined and the money you still owe some of us. We ain’t going nowhere.

Sincerely, Most of my Timeline

Dear ComicBookNerds,

Some of us don’t care that in the first edition of XMen Xavier’s wheelchair was made of wood. Let us just enjoy the got damn movie. We almost don’t care that Optimus Prime couldn’t have died in the second movie because in the ORIGINAL cartoon he was invincible. Shut The Fcuk Up!

Sincerely, People in the Movie Theatre

Dear Rev Dr Man of My Dreams,

I tried really hard to convince myself that I didn’t think we would probably be great for each other. But I also know that becuz of your belief system you could never publically date me. Becuz Fcuk will always be a word that I use frequently and I’m always gonna speak what I feel about uberreligious people. That’s too bad, cuz I really like you.

Sincerely, That Little Tinge of Regret

Dear Alcoholic Friend,

I know that your life was hard. I know even though you wont admit it, that your childhood was completely fcuked up. But liquor isn’t going to make it go away. Your parents and others are really worried about your safety at this point. Every time I get a call from your number at 4 in the morning I’m praying its your voice that I hear and not the police telling me that they found you laying in a ditch somewhere. Rehabilitation is the answer,

Sincerely, BiscuitHead

 

Dear Guy who’s in Love with my Best Friend,
I know you love her. She’s worthy of your love, even if she doesn’t believe it. But don’t sell yourself short. You can’t love her into loving you. She needs to learn to love herself first. Take care of you.

Sincerely, Me

No, I really don't tho . . .

You may consider this cowardly or passive/aggressive. Again, that’s fine. But I mean every word…..so there’s that.

*woot woot* Big Eddie LongStroke *woot woot*

Shoutout to @ambboogie for the title

I tried  so hard not to say anything.  I really did.  Sometimes I tend to rant about things, and I know that it’s really just me and my issues.  But, the divisiveness that is this Eddie Long{Stroke} Scandal has created is BEGGING to be blogged about. Folks have unfriended people on FB, and stopped talking to family members.  HAVE YOU PEOPLE LOST YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!?!?

I have already acknowledged to myself that most black people who consider themselves deeply religious aren’t. I have already acknowledged that I will never feel right in a church that stands and claps for three minutes every time their Pastor walks into a room.  I have already acknowledged that at some point most black people who belong to mega churches stopped having a relationship with God and started trying to praise their Pastor instead.

But you mean to tell me that only Catholic Priests have inappropriate relationships with boys?!?  That only republican senators can vehemently oppose homosexuality, and be practicing it at the same time.  You fucking SHEEP!!!! They SAID God called them! Did GOD send you a letter in the mail telling you, “Edward Long speaks to and for me,” no??? Then how do you know that this man isn’t just really charismatic, and realized that the world’s greatest hustle is being the Pastor of a Mega Church.  Because it is.

Note The Smirk

Any man arrogant enough to ordain himself a BISHOP, of a Non-Demoninational Church is, JUST, an asshole.

Yes, I believe there are men and women that GOD has called to help others.  However,  in my opinion, they are few and far between.  I’m actually willing to bet that the majority of the people who GOD called to lead/serve aren’t even preachers, let alone members of a church. Every Man of Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd isn’t a Godly Man.  {I learned this the hard way, seeing my dead beat father PROSPER in the church. *Le Sigh*}

This blind faith in a MAN is, again in my opinion, why things like this Eddie Long scandal have even happened. What mother in her right mind is going to allow a grown ass man to move her 17-year-old son into a house by himself, and not question his motives? More than likely, these mothers were so excited that “Bishop” had taken an interest in their child that they didn’t even think about why he was interested.

Cuz, this is what YOUR pastor sent to minors . . .

Coming from the city of Detroit, I can honestly say I know a lil’ something about the Mega Church Mentality. When I got back from college, I joined one of my city’s Mini-Mega Churches.  My Member number is 3120, and I joined in 2003 . . . Last thing I knew, the member numbers had hit about 9045.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Love LOVE my church. I love the music, the atmosphere, and the overall mission statement. I also love my Pastor, as a human being.

HOWEVER, working for the same Church you attend is an eye-opening experience. Everything looks pretty on Sunday morning, its Wednesday night that really shows you what the church was about.  Some things that showed me that EVERY church has it’s flaws and hustles.

  • I was once told I didn’t tithe enough, and that if I needed help with it they could just take it out of my check for me.
  • The letter that we got at the end of every year, suggesting that we as members start the new year off right by giving a sacrificial offering at the Watch Night Service (That’s New Years Eve Service for my non-black readers). The requested amount $800
  • When my Pastor returned to the Church, after surviving Prostate Cancer, the Men’s ministry bought him a Bentley. A Fully Loaded, Black on Black, Bentley. But they don’t have a scholarship fund 0_o
  • One day, a lady came running into the office, requesting to speak with the Pastor.  She said her husband was dying, and she just needed someone to pray with her, because she was losing faith. She was told that she needed to make an appointment, and someone would call her.

You gotta admit, he does have a nice body tho . . . too soon?

If anyone ever read the bible, they could use it to justify anything. The same book that says homosexuality is a sin says that eating shellfish, wearing poly-cotton blends, and growing corn and soy together in the same field will send you to hell. It’s a book people, not God’s personal doctrine. People wrote the Books of the Bible, NOT JESUS.  He wasn’t even alive to write it. And the book that you call manna from heaven was put together by a council of men, who picked and chose what they felt it should say.

Black People, yes, I’m talking to you right now.  Stop following men like Eddie Long, and T.D. Jakes, and Creflo {His Mama didn’t love him at all} Dollar. The only place they are going to lead you is into debt and shaky faith. The very people who most need the money they have, spend it on books/cds/tapes these men sell at FULL RETAIL PRICE, telling them things they already know about their life.  Do they offer solutions to their problems?? Maybe? But frequently, the answer is, Tithe more. God will Notice, and bless you. Unless they have God’s fax Number and/or he audit’s their monthly deposits, GOD really has no way of knowing what you gave.  But “Bishop” does.  So does his accountant, his financial advisor, and his stock broker.

They Spinnin' Nigga they Spinnin'

You don’t need a man to lead you to God. He’s everywhere if you look around you. To paraphrase the Bible, “ALL MEN FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF THE LORD”, or something like that. You will falter, its in your nature as a human. Because that is what Eddie Long is, a human. Who has some things he needs to admit to himself and the thousands of people who follow him. If you are going to pass judgement on him, make sure you acknowledge your flaws as well…..

This right Here . . . Explains EVERYTHING (T.I. being prayed over at New Birth Ministries)

I’m just saying

The Power of Christ Compels You . . .

Okay.  So just for a second we are going to pretend that I am not horribly racist, and that I can write a blog that is not completely based on my supreme dislike of White People Churches.

That being said, I Hate White People Church.  Not because I hate White People, but because their church is boring as hell. *I will be cursing in this blog about religion, GTFOI* Not boring becuz it’s White People.  But boring because CLEARLY they don’t serve the same God as I do.

Let’s discuss the White People Church Service I went to this morning.

All White People Churches Look Like This

I should have known when I walked in.  I was trying to have hope, but the average age of the people in the congregation was 60.  And not “Sexy 60” more like “age spot, leather skin, diet my whole life type 60,” ya dig?  But I was like, “Do NOT judge these people and their love of our Lord Jesus Christ.  They could be live as hell.”

So I find my seat on the far left, which is where i sit so that no one can see me tweeting, and begin to peruse the “bulletin.” Except, at White People Church, it’s called a Program.  It’s in Full Color and it’s a 11×17 trifold. It was all good until I saw this:

Biblical Influence on the U.S. Constitution

MU’FUCKA FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just forget separation of Church and State (that’s in the FUCKING CONSTITUTION) Is that what we do at Church? I knew at this point that I wasn’t going to enjoy this church.  I also knew they were not happy that I was there.  I was still like, maybe this will work.  Maybe I can make it without being mad.  Then a portly gentleman touches me on my back and says:

Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your singing “Let Freedom Ring.”
Me: Yeah, I don’t go to this church, this is my first time here
Him: Oh Wow, Ya’ll really do all look alike.
Me: O_o

30 FUCKING SECONDS LATER:

Her: I loved your Solo
Me: That wasn’t me
Her: Are you sure, you look just like her!
Me: (~_-)

Yup. Service hadn’t even started yet.  Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see what signifies the beginning of praise and worship in White People Church. 4 White dudes in Khaki Shorts, Striped Polo’s Thong Sandals, holding various types of Guitars.  Yes Friends, the Praise Team is Here!  One Bass Guitar, an Electric Guitar, Two Acoustic Guitars, a dude on a piano w/ a mike, and two white girls in sun dresses! Let’s Get Ready to Praise White Jesus!!!!

Not the Praise Team from this morning, but You get the gist.

The leader of the Praise Team thought he was Jason Mraz, just a strummin’ his guitar and scatting during songs that did NOT require vocalizations.  White People Churches don’t really praise God.  They sing at him.  At one point, this lady started tapping her feet.  Her husband nudged her.  She stopped.

Not a hand was clapped or waved.  They just read the words of the screen, and swayed to the beat.  Everything was to the tune of the most boring song you have ever heard.  But my tweet game was on POINT! To break up my consistant live tweeting, I took a look at other pages in the Program.  I saw this:

EXACTLY

But not that you called ur congregation out for not giving enough.  At a Black People Church, when a deficit occurs you just get a 4 week series on the Benefits of Tithing.  In White People Church they just show you the numbers, and let you be ashamed.  That’s deep as hell Dude.

At this point, I also noticed that all their songs are sung in the Kings English. “Worthy Lord, thou art Merciful.  Dost thou accept thy child’s praise,” Are you Freaking Serious.  Jesus stopped listening to you YEARS ago!

Finally, we get to the Sermon.  At this point, I look over to the student that was the reason I was there for, and saw her eyes filming over.  She wasn’t into it, at all.  So he starts to talk.  About how the World has gone to shit since 1962, when the courts took prayer out of schools.  He had charts.  Pie Graphs.

“We just need to keep putting people in Congress that understand that God’s way in the only way.”

In the back of my mind, I pictured them all at Heath Ledger’s Funeral holding these signs:

This is real.

Half my family is White.  I don’t hate White People.  But White People at churches like the one above, and the one I attended this morning, I can REALLY do without.  The last thing that he said, before the Communion (and why was their communion on a 2nd Sunday?) was:

“The Founders of the Country were Christians.  Let Jesus in your life.”

Yup. He Did.  I have much more to say.  I’m just too pissed to type anymore.

Thanx for Reading!

Words and Sounds of my Life Vol VII: In Due Time

Just Keep Your Faith in Me, don’t act impatiently

You’ll get where you need to be, In Due Time.

Even when things are slow, Hold On and Don’t Let Go,

I’ll give you what I owe, In Due Time . . . .

I couldn’t find a song last night, that would best describe how I was feeling.  My Lil sis called me, and I couldn’t help her, because I was feeling some kind of way, about everything that was going on in my head.  So many thoughts and feelings, so much stuff that I was trying to process, and I just couldn’t deal.  But This Morning . . .

Oh Lord This Morning . . .

Someone’s status message took me right there.  I’m mad because things didn’t go my way.  That all my best laid plans didn’t work out.  I should be mad that I forgot I wasn’t in control.  It’s when I start planning things, that everything goes wrong.  I might not be a Jesus Freak, but I know that God is the Head of my Life.  So if he is, what am I doing get mad because I didn’t get my way? OBVIOUSLY, It wasn’t supposed to go that way.

Struggling’s just a part of my day
Many obstacles have been placed in my way
I know the only reason that I make it through
Is because I never stop believing in you

When I was Younger, I made things happen.  Not in a magical wand, crazy witch girl kind of way, but in the literal sense.  My classmates used to hate me, because I always got my way.  I would just SAY I wanted something to happen and it did.  Why? Because I had that kind of Faith.  I had mustard seed Faith, the blind Faith that comes before life tragedies, and life changes, and heartbreak.  The Kind of Faith that can get things done.

My Life got difficult when I started doubting my place in the world.  When I let other people tell me what I was capable of.  What I was Worthy of. When I let things other than my Faith influence my life choices.

Some people wonder why we’re here in the 1st place?
They can’t believe because they ain’t never seen your face
But even when you pray, the next day you gotta try
Can it wait 4 nobody 2 come down out the sky

No, I never expected it to fall into my lap.  I just expected it to happen.  The Secret isn’t actually a Secret . . . it’s Faith.  It’s hard to have Faith, when you look around you and can’t see where your life path is leading you.  But that is what BLIND FAITH means.  Trusting some kind of higher power to be there for you and guide you when you are lost.  Crazy thing, I’m not Lost . . . Just took a wrong turn.

You’ve got to realize that the world’s a test
You can only do your best and let him do the rest
You’ve got your life, you’ve got your health
So quit procrastinating and push it yourself

“Everything for a reason . . . ” I said that like 400 times yesterday, to justify something that didn’t go my way.  But it’s true.  Every experience I have ever had has helped me get to where I am now.  So yes, I’m kinda disappointed, but I will Live.  Because that is what the lord put me on this earth to do.

And Everything Will Get to Me . . . . In Due Time.

Late Night Ramblings of 2010 #4: Filling the Void/Closing the Gap

Last year, I wrote a note on FB called  Pieces of Me. I strongly suggest you check it out before reading this, because this is actually a continuation of that note.

You never know when someone can change your life.  You also never know when you will be the person to change a stranger’s life.  In the conversations I have had with people this year, one thing that seems to become more and more obvious is that a lot of people are walking around with Pieces Missing.  We go about our days, making due with what we have.

Some of us have those late nights when the emptiness becomes too much to handle, and we can’t help but have a breakdown.  One of those nights when you can’t sleep, because every thought you have ever had about your life is running through your head.  You are trying your hardest to Fake it Until you Make It.  But in the loneliness of your thoughts, you have to come face to face with the Void that exists within you.

Today, I admitted to {for all intents and purposes} a complete stranger, that for most of my life, I filled that Void with food.  I had never even admitted that to MYSELF. The void left in me by my relationship with my father was a large one.  It’s affected every relationship I have ever tried to have.  The pain that comes from the constant rejection of someone who is SUPPOSED to love you is often times unbearable.

People who have never experienced that pain will try to tell you, “But God Loves You.” or “All You need is Gods Love, he will fill that Void.” They are wrong.  Disagree with me if you want, but they won’t know what that feels like.  To look at how your parent(s) treat other people, and know that you don’t get that same love.

People in Arizona respect my father.  They tell me all the time what a great man my father is.

They are talking about the same man who told me I was never going to amount to anything, because my mother raised me.  The hypocrisy of who my father has become is awe-inspiring.  He’s a Member in Good Standing at his church.  He runs the entire Jail Ministry.  He spends more time with Inmates than he ever did with his own children.  This is my father.  This is the man whose name will be tied to mine until I get married.

I gained about 40 pounds while I lived with him.  The Void was looking me in the face for 11 months.  I was deemed less than, unimportant, and finally a burden while I lived with him.  The only person who understood what that felt like was my mother, because she had lived it as well.  Much of my fathers dislike for me is based on his feelings for my mother.  He was punishing me for what he deemed my mother’s transgressions.

So why did I move to Arizona in the first place?

Because I was tired of being broken.

I was tired of hating myself because of what someone else had told me was a flaw.  I was tired of filling the Void with Food, and Sex, and wrongly invested attachments.  I was tired of searching for love from all the wrong people.  I came here because I wanted to see if I could forgive my father for the hurt he caused.  Having hate in your heart doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you.

I had to Close the Gap. I had to take all those feelings of Abandonment, and Unworthiness, and Self-Loathing, and examine them.

It would have been great if I could have done that in a week, then found a Job, and moved on with my life, but it took a year.  Living in a hostile environment can bring out the best or the worst in a person.

Thankfully, it brought out the Best in Me. It brought out the Writer in Me.  It brought out the Singer in Me.  It brought out the Public Speaker in Me. It brought out the Beauty in Me.  It brought out the Child of God in Me.

After the late night walks, and tears, and late night phone conversations, I survived.

I write this for all those people who don’t know if they can make it.  Who see themselves in a place of such darkness that they can’t fathom coming out on the other side.  For those of you who have a pain so deep inside, you can’t seem describe it in words.  For those of us who cry ourselves to sleep every night, and beg the Lord for a release from this pain.

You can Fill the Void.  You can Close the Gap.  Be strong in YOU.  Remember what YOU want for yourself.  Remember your Goals.  Keep your GOALS in a visible place, so that you can have a reminder, that it’s not going to be like this forever.

You can survive.  You WILL survive.

Because I Did.  For a long time, I didn’t know if I would.  But I Did.

And So Will You.