Tag Archive | Adulthood

I Can’t Drink You Away….

This blog MIGHT be all over the place (kinda like my emotions right now) but I promise there is a central theme.

*******Avengers: Infinity War Spoilers********

We all said, nothing can ever be better than Black Panther. I THINK we were wrong. This movie is just….. So first off, FUCK THANOS. His entire existence just ruined my life. For a myriad of reasons. The last 20 mins of that movie are 1000000000 times worse than the Red Wedding episode of GOT.

But what has me awake at 4:30am like I don’t have shit to do in 3 hours, is the relationship between Thanos & Gamora.

He stole her, after he destroyed half of her planet’s inhabitants. He killed her mother, and told her it had to happen that way. He then trained her to be a deadly assassin who traveled the world killing for him. Because he’s an ASSHOLE.

Even though Gamora swore she hated him, when she *thought* she had actually killed him it tore her apart. Like broke her all the way down. Because even after all the abuse, and hate, and self-loathing, that was her FATHER. Every girl just wants a Daddy.

My life is in chaos right now. I reached out to my father, who has more than enough money to help me deal with this situation. It’s an unexpected life altering event, right as I took 2 months (unpaid) FMLA off to help my mom.

I knew he was going to say no. I knew it in my soul. I told my mom he was going to say no. He did. I wasn’t even shocked. I had already been working on another solution to the problem. He has never helped me out in a crisis. He has actually caused the last 2. And yet…..I asked. At 36, I still held an impossibly small piece of hope he would come through for me.

Because that’s what parents are supposed to fucking do – Help their children in times of need. That’s what our relationship was until I was around 12. The spoiled girl who was pampered and NEVER told no until she started gaining weight……she didn’t understand why the relationship just changed. It went from fun to weight control and walking 4 miles a day in the Arizona heat. I didn’t handle the transition well, because I wasn’t prepared for it.

My Hero. That’s who and what I used to think my father was. You couldn’t tell me shit bad about him. And due to his “strict religious and moral beliefs,” he would of course never lie to me or hurt me. Because that’s what the Bible says. But not the Good Reverend. That nigga worked 50 years to push his kids out the house at 18, and tell them to fend for themselves. Because that’s HIS moral obligation. Now, where this supposed code came from, I don’t know.

It took me way too long to understand this code of ethics even existed. [Partially due to my mother’s parenting style, because she’s the best mom ever] I was used to having a need, telling my primary parent at the moment, and getting what I needed. Some people called it spoiled…not sure why. Some part of me still felt, even after all the times he had disappointed me – if I can just explain why it’s so urgent that I need his help, he won’t say no then. I keep banging my head up against this emotional wall.

Always leaving a door open, or a window slightly cracked hoping he will be different this time. Because I never felt more loved and appreciated than when I used to go visit my father in Tucson and Pittsburgh. I still crave that….feeling. I write about wanting that all the time. Thanks to therapy, I know the root of that. But this blog isn’t REALLY about my daddy issues.

I know, insanity. The kid inside of me always feels so less than when dealing with him, because I’m still trying to get him to:

  • Acknowledge that parenthood doesn’t end when your children reach 18.
  • HELP ME GOT DAMMIT

Back briefly to Avengers.

In order for Thanos to reach one of his final goals, he LITERALLY threw Gamora over a cliff, and killed her. I started crying right then. Because GOTDAMN! Gamora’s face as she was falling, throwing out her hands and hoping by some miracle he would save her in the last minutes…….

It was like seeing myself on screen. (This conclusion is why I’m still awake right now) Every time I call my father specifically for his help, I’m hanging off the cliff holding on for dear life. He reaches down, and lifts each finger off, while telling me something about budgeting for unexpected events.

That’s how I see my dad. I paid the mortgage on a house that was in his name for 4 years, for him to tell me if I didn’t let my DEADBEAT ASS SISTER move in (and pay no rent or contribute to the household….did I mention shes is 22 years older than me) he would sell the house, and I would be homeless. This was of course about a WEEK after I had a Grand Mal Seizure at the gym and dislocated my shoulder. And my mom was already staying there to help me recover FROM A FUCKING SEIZURE.

Did Thanos love Gamora, yes? But he – and by extension his agenda – was still more important to himself than his child. I just don’t understand how that is. I try really hard to look at everything from both sides. But my dad….

Seriously tho, Fuck that Nigga Thanos.

I just…. I can’t wait for the day when I can not have “daddy issues” flare ups. This shit is worse than herpes. I might be done tho…because exhausted. Also, I might have already said too much. I had to edit like 4 times before I could post this. Because feelings.

Fuck Thanos So Much

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Dear Depression……Thanks

I need to take a few minutes to talk about one of the benefits of MY depression. I talk all the time, about how Depression has seemingly taken over my adulthood. It makes things HARDER to accomplish. In order to be fair, I must now share the good sides of Depression. So without further ado, I present…..Thanks Depression!

I’ve lost 30lbs since July of last year. I went from 363.2 to today’s current weight of 334.8lbs. I can write those weights with pride, as it’s the smallest I’ve ever been (since I started actually weighing myself). The only time in my life I lost weight like this, was when I was working at the Tucson JCC. I was working out 5 days a week (for at least 40 mins), and eating kosher.

Which is why I have to say, Thank You Depression!

Because I just stopped eating food. That’s how I’m losing this weight. I have no appetite, at all. I forget to eat during the day, and I barely eat at home. When I do eat, the portions are so small it’s like being on a diet. 9 times out of 10, I always end up feeding the rest to my dog.

I’ve been dealing with my mom’s health issues and living 2309 miles away, so food intake has been the least of my worries.

People come up to me, and ask my diet plan. Usually, I lie. Cuz it’s kind of weird to be like, “Worry about your mom on an hourly basis! The pounds will just melt away!” I feel like, that wouldn’t go over that well.

FitBit reminded me today, I’m just 9lbs away from the initial goal I set for myself 3 years ago. I got a lil bit happy, knowing that goal is on the horizon. Then, I got sad again. Because I know I’ll make that goal. And it’s not because I’m doing it on purpose. It’s because I’m so stressed out about other things in life, I won’t be focused enough to try to stay at this weight. Depression is still there, I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it…..yet.

I sometimes miss when food was my happy place. I miss being able to eat my feelings. Because when you can just eat them, you don’t have to process them. You don’t have to sit with them, rolling around in your head all fucking day.

When you can eat your feelings, you also end up weighing 378lbs at 30. So clearly that wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism. But as I looking at the numbers getting smaller and smaller on the scale, my new fear is that once I’m back in Michigan, the weight just comes back.

So I’m planning already, how to keep this going. Joining Lifetime Fitness again, and cooking healthy food. Actually going for walks on the trail behind my mom’s house. Maybe I can get to my ultimate weight Goal, size 18 on the bottom, and a 14/16 on Top. The numbers never mattered to me, the way my clothes fit did. And 2 weeks ago, I bought a pair of size 24 jeans….and they are already too big now.

Thank You Depression, for being a catalyst to a lifestyle change I needed. I wasn’t gonna do it myself, so I appreciate the help ūüėĀ.

The Possibility of Us . . .

In my 20’s, I used to make playlists for everything. ¬†Even before the Great Spotify, I needed a soundtrack for whatever my life was at that moment. ¬†They all had super emo names, like “The Living Struggle,” ¬†or “Why do I still Love Him?” etc. It was my way of singing out my problems. ¬†It was a good catharsis for me. ¬†I could instantly go to the song I needed to hear, sing and cry on my porch or balcony, write 7 blogs, send 3 or 4 passive-aggressive emails or texts, and I could move on with life.

In my 30’s, the loss of music has let me know I’m going through something. ¬†When I would rather listen to NPR in car, or Old Podcasts I’ve listened to 1000 times, I know I’m due to have some sort of emotional breakdown. ¬†Living with Depression has taught me everything isn’t sadness. ¬†It isn’t “OMG my life falling apart,” it’s instead I have something I need to. ¬†I have to find the music again. ¬†Find the song, or the playlist, or the lyric that is going to express EXACTLY where I am. ¬†I’ve gotten to the point where I am too busy with everyday life to wallow in my emotions.

That’s probably a good thing, especially for my friends who have been with me through my adult life so far. Because I KNOW they were tired of all the emo ass texts, and phone calls crying over the same person, or the same situation, or some conversation over and over again. ¬†I’m trying to be a better friend. ¬†My last relationship ended just as it began, with little to no fanfare. ¬†No one knew it was over, it just was. That’s the adult way to do it, right?¬†However, tonight, while driving home from my last tutoring session, a random Spotify Playlist lead me all up in my feelings.

I Present to you: Selections from The Possibility of Us.

Poision & Wine – The Civil Wars

I miss MM. ¬†I’ve accepted the fact I miss the intimacy we had. ¬†I can acknowledge that it was unhealthy to a great extent, but also wish I was that naive again. ¬†I trusted every word that came out of his mouth. ¬†I gave every single part of me, gladly, and without Fear. ¬†I’m so cynical and untrusting these days. ¬†I cut people off when I feel they are about to hit me with a bullshit excuse. ¬†I don’t have faith in anyone except my inner circle. ¬†I expect people to lie, and be unfaithful, and bad. ¬†I long for the girl I was when I fell in love with MM.

spotify:track:3yKsX1l5OoLJU5TDzkajLd

Stay – Sugarland

I’ll never be a Side Chick again. It’s not because of something stupid, like morals or whatever. It’s because I’m over the bullshit. ¬†The conversations that used to woo me into that position no longer hold the same weight. ¬†I don’t need you to tell me, “I can’t talk to my wife/girlfriend/lover the way I can talk to you,” in order to feel special. ¬†I don’t need the ego stroke anymore. ¬†Maybe i’ve grown up, or maybe it’s that cynicism. ¬†I’ve come to realize, every Man/Woman has a choice. ¬†You can control yourself. ¬†You can get a divorce. You can break up with your partner. Just like you choose to not be honest with your significant other, I can choose to tell you that you are full of shit, and need to put on your big boy boxers and handle your business. ¬†You aren’t staying for the kids, you are staying for you. ¬†Until you are important enough to you, get the fcuk outta here.

spotify:track:6k0MYs7iejQfLAtJBmxCiC

One Day You Will – Deborah Cox

I’m still looking for the connection I had with TBTLNY. ¬†No one has ever given me that same feeling, which means everyone eventually disappoints me. ¬†{This is probably means I’m continually setting myself up for failure, but you know, whatevs} Which is kind of stupid, since clearly I’m not with him right now. It was a teenage love, but it was STRONG. I would have climbed mountains, and swam oceans, and ran marathons to keep that love in my life. ¬†That feeling, it’s a high I’ve been seeking out since I got the first taste. My life’s addiction is that high. ¬†I can admit that to myself, and even understand how unhealthy that is. ¬†Craving an emotional connection with someone is just as harmful as a drug addiction, because it could lead to putting yourself in dangerous situations.

spotify:track:6RLkxQmjmbB6ItZBOwSK73

I Won’t Give Up (Demo Version) – Jason Mraz

I wish I believed in Love like this again. ¬†Even if I go out searching for it, I don’t believe I will actually find it. ¬†Which is kind of sad right? But it’s the truth. ¬†To be able to say to someone, “I’m not going to quit. ¬†I’m going to love you enough, to work on this. ¬†To grow with you, no away from you.” It requires a certain level of vulnerability and openness, and a trust that I don’t have. And I WISH I had it. ¬†I wish I was that Girl who sat on the phone talking to TBTLYN for 12 hours. ¬†I wish was the Girl who made a mixtape for MM because I couldn’t find an easy way to say I loved him. ¬†I wish I was the Girl who smiled at text messages from my current crush.

I’m Not Anymore.

And I really don’t even know what that makes me? Who am I now? My Love of Love kind of defined me for a while. ¬†I hate romantic comedies, because they are so unrealistic. I used to swear that Carrie Bradshaw was my Love Guru, she was an Idiot. ¬†Big was an asshole! I used to read Trashy Romance Novels in one sitting, I don’t even buy them anymore. Maybe my heart’s been broken too many times, maybe I just need a break from love. ¬†Fuck if I know.

I bask in other people’s relationships. ¬†I’m happy for their love. ¬†I’m not like a Love Hater. I see beautiful relationships all around me, and I’m so pleased for my friends. ¬†I’m equally content with my current busy life/schedule. I’m just . . . . trying to figure myself out now.

spotify:user:joy4yourmind:playlist:4BBLwI0EIkIEM6mfl89ae3

Anybody Want to Buy a Heart?

*The following post was inspired by this Album*

I used to write all the time. ¬†I’m kind of ashamed I don’t anymore. ¬†Maybe it’s a good thing, because the reason I don’t write anymore is that I just don’t have the time. ¬†Between having two jobs, one boyfriend, and trying my best to have an actual social life, it’s just been A LOT.

I’m not complaining, because that would make me an asshole. ¬†Because there are people who wish they had my life. ¬†So for those 3 people, I’m grateful everyday. ¬†I think I’m searching for a creative outlet though. ¬†Every minute of every day is focused on something, and It’s exhausting. ¬†My time doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to the kids I tutor, or the kids on my case load. ¬†Or it belongs to my boyfriend, or it belongs to my friend who needs a support system.

I think my only child is angry with me. ¬†I haven’t had a day when I turned off my phone and movie hopped since . . . maybe July of last year? The minute summer camp ended, I was on the run. ¬†I had to find two jobs, because I need variety. ¬†My need for autonomy and flexibility also leads to multiple responsibilities. ¬†If i take a day off of work, I could really actually impact someones life.

I’m wondering if I’m making myself feel important? ¬†If i’m picking jobs/tasks because I know people are actually counting on me. ¬†I feel like there is some psychological explanation for having that kind of complex . . . and it’s not a good/positive one. ¬†So because I fear I’m secretly crazy, I’m stressed out. ¬†That leads to getting sick, and staying home but still working from home because $$$. Either way, I judge myself for not working, and I’m judging myself FOR working so much because I don’t know if my heart is all the way in it.

My goal for this year, has been to take one weekend a month, and have it be about me. ¬†I’m slowly but surely trying to change my schedule so that I actually adhere to my off days. ¬†I haven’t been so far. But next month is a new month, so i guess we will try that again. ¬†The other good thing is that I get to start working out again. ¬†I remember how clear my mind used to be when I was working out 5 days a week. ¬†Gotta get back to that.

Maybe my middle of the week off days will be for writing. ¬†Maybe that will be the time I carve out for myself to sit, find a topic, and write at least 1000 words. ¬†I doubt I’ll post all of them, but still to have them there. ¬†My last blog was written in September! Almost 6 months ago. ¬†Half a Year without writing?!?!? I just like . . . what?

So here’s the last thing . . . I think like a social worker now. ¬†It’s HORRIBLE for a relationship. ¬†Because when conflicts arise, I’m looking at it as, how can I solve this problem. ¬†I’m stepping out of it, and analyzing the situation . . . instead of being in it at the time. ¬†I think my Trauma Stewardship Skills have reached an all time high. ¬†I don’t take anything personal, I don’t assume anything about people’s actions. ¬†I’m quite sure in the last few weeks someone has tried to sabotage me . . . but I’m not worried about THAT. I actually said to a co-worker, “I can’t judge her because she feels a way about me. ¬†That’s her journey, and it has nothing to do with me.”

WHAT . . . . IS . . . . LIFE?!?!?!?! ¬†I’m actually starting to live by the motto, “We Don’t Judge.”

I think I’m at a personal crossroads. ¬†Not one that’s going to lead me to moving again or anything like that. ¬†But one that makes me reorganize my life, my priorities, and such. ¬†My calmness scares me, which shouldn’t be a thing right? But as someone who used to be the emotional equivalent of a Kardashian-West Twitter Rant, this is just weird.

Thanks for Reading . .. hopefully there’s more coming.

The Story of My Life . . . or Holy Shyt! I’m 32

*Editor’s Note: I started this blog in January. ¬†Actually finished it, then never published it. ¬†I know why now.*

Every year, I TRY to post a blog about what I’ve learned over that previous year. ¬†With my Birthday being so close to the New Year, it’s usually just my yearly recap as well. ¬†This time, I’m going to do it a little bit differently. ¬†After another one of my “I haven’t gotten any sleep in the last 48 hours” Epiphanies, I realized that I can actually pinpoint the times my life took a direction I wasn’t expecting. ¬†The first 17 years of my life aren’t going to be discussed here . . . mostly because I’m lazy.

All Denim Outfit . . .No One Loved me.

All Denim Outfit . . .No One Loved me.

The University of Dayton

No, we start with my first step into adulthood. ¬†The moment I decided I was GROWN! I stood at the West Bloomfield post office, mailed that acceptance letter, and that was all she wrote! I was going to be the female Bill Gates, and change the world of computers. ¬†*Mind you, I didn’t visit the school, didn’t know what it looked like, they just gave me the most money. So they won.* But I MUST admit, best decision I’ve ever made. The friends I made there, the people I met, the experiences I had . . . wouldn’t have had it any other way. ¬†University of Dayton lead me to Zeta, and my Degree in Education (more on that later), my closest friends, love, hurt, fear, anger, and most importantly – Understanding of Myself. ¬†On May 3, 2003, I graduated knowing EXACTLY who I wanted to be.

13 Years Ago . . .

14 Years Ago . . .

Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.

It SHOULD be common knowledge that Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. is the Greatest Sorority in the Nation. ¬†But if you didn’t know, now you know, sucka! I joined ZPhiB because I wanted to be the kind of woman ZPhiB represented. ¬†What I didn’t expect, could have never imagined, was the Family. ¬†The Women I call Sister, not just Soror. The two women who grew up right beside me. ¬†Who dealt with my Sophomore Year Depression, who dried my tears, and had numerous sleepovers with me. ¬†The Women who taught me how to create a Programme, and put on a Dove Ball, and STEP.

Ryders of the Storm

Ryders of the Storm

Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc.

Even more unexpected (and judge this next statement if you want) The Men I Call Brother. R.O.T.S changed my life. Not just because LeRoy was the scariest dude I had ever met in my life, but because they PROTECTED us. ¬†From Greek Life Bullshit, and everyday Bullshit. ¬†They knew how Naive we were, and they shielded us from so much more than we ever knew. ¬†The Blu Bond is so sacred to me, and is still very much prevalent in my life. What I’ve learned, and cherished the most in these 14 years, is that Family can come out of nowhere. ¬†These 3 Men, will forever be referred to as my Brothers, not my Frat.

2nd Best Kitchen I've Ever Had

2nd Best Kitchen I’ve Ever Had

My First Apartment

Having my own place was so freeing! I FINALLY had my own space. ¬†I didn’t have to fear my mom randomly knocking on my door. You mean I can have HOUSE PARTIES. Kait and I entered in that adventure with the best of intentions. ¬†We were going to be the only Best Friends that moved in together and didn’t hate each other. ¬†The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions… The loss of that Friendship shook me to my core. ¬†Not because I had known her forever, or because it was unexpected. But I saw that for the first time Money and Friends should NEVER mix. ¬†We weren’t fighting over anything emotional, it was about her breaking her lease. *To move in with the man she eventually married but still…* Add to that, I spent 3 months without a JOB! As my support system from age 13 to 24 was leaving me high and dry rent wise, I had no idea what I was going to do. ¬†Moving home wasn’t an option. So I began to hustle. ¬†I had 3 part time jobs, 2 that were under the table (gotta collect that unemployment), and I babysat whenever I could. ¬†I learned then, I’ll never be unemployed. ¬†Because the Hustle is STRONG within me. I worked my way out of that rut, got a porn star roommate – no really, she did Porn – and Lived It The Fcuk Up.

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

The Triad

Words can’t even . . . The Triad is the Polyamorous Relationship everyone wish they had. ¬†These two Women showed me what Friendship is supposed to be. ¬†No Judgements, No Fear, No Regrets. ¬†You live your life, you learn from the pain, and You Move On. ¬†Diamond and Aaliyah were my anchors in the storm that was my early to mid 20’s. We Drank, (they) Smoked, and we Loved HARD. The nights/weekends/days we spent laying on someone’s floor crying and bitching about Men and Women! The Ex’s that we still talk to, the tradition of emailing each other all day, the Wearing White in public the day after Labor Day.

The children, and road-trips, and music that happened from 2005-2007. I don’t even talk to them every month. Doesn’t matter, the minute we are on the phone it’s like nothing has ever changed. ¬†I’m my true self with them. ¬†Not the woman I wanted to be post Graduation, but somehow better. Nothing seemed out of reach, everything was a great idea. ¬†If later I found out it wasn’t, didn’t matter. We Laugh/Drink/Cry about, and Move The Fuck On.

To See a Mountain is to See God

To See a Mountain is to See God

Moving to AZ

And I did . . .right to Arizona. ¬†With intentions of going back to school, and getting my teaching certification. ¬†I was gonna fix my relationship with my Dad, so I could finally get rid of those Daddy Issues, and find love . . . Arizona started out as a peaceful place to me. ¬† Instead of teaching children, I found a job teaching Teachers how to teach Children. I found my professional voice in AZ. In Michigan, I’m surrounded by family and friends who discount my knowledge of children because I don’t have any of my own. In Arizona, people assumed I was an expert. Took a little while to realize I actually kind of am. My love for children was confirmed there. ¬†My life path was made certain. ¬†Arizona was everything I didn’t know I wanted.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I thought I had also found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

 

The Mexican

me and eric

Loving you is the best thing that ever happened to me.¬† It‚Äôs also the worst.¬† You changed me, turned me into a person I didn‚Äôt even know I could be, or wanted to be.¬† The last thing you said to me, in anger, was ‚ÄúYou are just a faint memory. I‚Äôve almost forgotten you existed.‚ÄĚ ¬†Even with that much hate in your voice, I remembered when it was beautiful.¬† When the love I saw in your eyes made every day worth living.¬† If I never see your face, and never hear your voice again, I Loved You.¬† ¬†In a way I had only read about in romance novels and Donny Hathaway songs.¬† For everything losing you took away, it gave me twice as much.¬† So for that, I saw Thank You. For showing me who my true friends are, and because you helped me stop hiding behind my weight. You were Loved Sir.

When I think of Home

My Mommy and Me

My Mommy and Me

I left AZ because I was devastated and I couldn’t be there. ¬†Up until the point, the House I Bought was the Reason He Wasn’t There. Everything about my house reminded me of a loss I still can’t began to describe. ¬†Emotionally, I was a 17 year old girl who had lost her 1st Love. I needed my Mommy. ¬†I’m okay with admitting that. ¬†I needed a break from those last 18 months. ¬†My Mother Saved Me. I’m just glad I was Woman enough to admit I needed to be Saved. What I didn’t know is that I had been in a Domestic Violence relationship, and I needed to understand and forgive myself for letting it happen in the first place.

The Job I got once I moved back to Michigan healed me. I took the job thinking it would be just another opportunity to help children. ¬†I was part of a team that worked everyday to save lives. ¬†We worded to heal people who have been hurt/violated by people they love. We educate women (and men) about Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. ¬†My clients, these brave and frustrating women taught me so much about how Trauma follows you your whole life if you don’t address it. My job taught me Accountability. ¬†Owning up to the choices I’ve made in my life and their impact on me and others. My co-workers brought back my happy. In the completely emotionally damaged world we work, I smiled more than I cried. I looked forward to seeing them, and hopefully they felt the same about me. ¬†We are a Strange Group of People, those of us who choose to do Social work, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have to take a second to shoutout TIITC. ¬†Never shall he be named, but he helped me realize that not all men are assholes. ¬†He found me beautiful at my ugliest, and he let me cry on his couch when my Nephew died. ¬†I wouldn’t have made it without him. ¬†Thanks TIITC, you are loved as well ūüôā

Finally, MJ has come BACK to 3013!

Finally, MJ has come BACK to 3013!

Which leads me back . . . to Arizona. Somewhere in the 4 years I lived there, it became Home. ¬†I felt displaced in Michigan. I didn’t have my own space, I couldn’t live the life I wanted there. ¬†I now crave warm weather, and mountains. I want two dogs in my backyard and Sundays at Mt. Lemmon. ¬†I want Holiday dinners at 4 different houses with at least 3 different cultures represented. ¬†I want to be called Aunt Marisa and ‘ARisa and Mz. Joy by children playing in my front yard. It’s time for me to stop licking healed wounds. ¬†I’m finally stronger than that Pain. I leave you with an Eminem Lyric that perfectly illustrates my current mindset…

¬†But you won’t break me, You’ll just make me,

Stronger than I was, Before I met you

¬†I bet you I’ll be just fine without you

And if I stumble, I won’t crumble

I’ll get back up and I‚Ķ.

And I’mma still be humble, When I scream fuck you

Cause I’m stronger than I was – Marshall Mathers

 

Free Write: This is My Temporary Home/Fix You

So, I’ve been in Arizona for about 6 weeks. ¬†The move was frantic, but the energy it required to move back was enough to keep me distracted. ¬†Getting settled and job hunting has taken a while. ¬†I’ve kept myself busy. ¬†Purposefully, it seems. ¬†The first time I saw this house, I knew it was for me. ¬†It had everything I’d ever wanted for myself. ¬†I prayed for this house every day, until I put in my offer. This was MY house, I wanted it for me. ¬†I was only thinking about me when I saw it. ¬†People say all the time, make plans . . . then listen to God laugh at them.

Somewhere along the way, this House lost it’s luster. ¬†I’d be stupid to say, I don’t know the exact moment that happened. ¬†But even acknowledging that an ‘entity’ had the power . . . nay, I gave an ‘entity’ the power to take that away from me . . . is disgusting. ¬†I ran away from home, that’s what moving back to Michigan was. ¬†I told me truth to very few people, because it was embarrassing to me. ¬†But, God and Ernestine helped heal me. ¬†I stopped judging myself, and blaming myself for everything that had happened in the past 3 years.

I was able to forgive myself for the part I played, and the choices I made that lead me to where I was Рcowering like an abused puppy in Michigan.  But along the way, I lost one of my Best Friends.  Forgiving myself meant I had to place the rest of the blame on all parties, and them not acknowledging their part was a deal breaker for me.

This new me, that Haven built, holds people accountable. ¬†Its a huge disappointment to me that I lost the one person who I could share my secret hidden thoughts. ¬†There was no {to my knowledge} hidden agenda, jealousy, or lies. ¬†My most outrageous thoughts were heard without me being told they were wrong. ¬†There is something freeing about that. ¬†I don’t have that many female friends who don’t judge me, or preach to/at me, or want to lead me down a different path.

I miss that freedom. ¬†I miss the days when I didn’t think my words were going to be used against me. ¬†The betrayal I feel, isn’t because she ‘chose’ him over me, it comes from the feeling that everything else in our friendship might have been a lie. ¬†Every thought I shared with her about him, things I couldn’t say to his face {and there wasn’t much} he ended up knowing. ¬†He used that knowledge, those secrets to break me. ¬†She helped him. ¬†And for what? Feeling that a man is more important than a friendship . . . it’s alot.

I thought I was ready to be back here, in this house that had begun to feel like an Island I had been exiled to as punishment. ¬†The majority of my friends live at least 200 miles from me. ¬†The one person I want/need is too far away. ¬†Maybe that’s whats wrong. ¬†I’d gotten entirely too used to having access to people who made me happy. ¬†I can’t call TIITC and say lets go to dinner, and I can’t text The Boy and ask What’s the Haps. ¬†I can’t go stalk Astacia at Jimmy Johns . . . It’s lonely starting all over again.

The worst part is, I haven’t been idle. ¬†I’ve been reading, and discovering new truths about myself. ¬†It hasn’t been all bad. ¬†In fact, it’s been kind of awesome. ¬†But on a night like tonight, I wish I could dial her number, and give her all my secrets. And I can’t . . . and that makes me hate her all over again. ¬†It’s been worse though, this feeling. ¬†So I know it’s going to get better.

Tears Stream . . . down your face
When you Lose something you can not replace.
Tears Stream . . . down your face

Lights with Guide You Home,
And Ignite your bones,
And I will Try . . . To Fix you.

Tomorrow is another day, a day to look into the sun, and feel the warmth that is Arizona. Because this is MY HOUSE, and if it takes a few for weeks, and a few more thousand dollars to make it feel as such, so be it.

Free Write 4/14/14: Spotify Starred List

I haven’t done this is in a while. ¬†I’ve been feeling some kind of way {No Rich HOmie Quan} for the last couple of days, and my emotions have been all over the place. ¬†It wasn’t until I listened to The Globe Sessions by Sheryl Crow that I realized I had a myriad of things on my mind. ¬†I’m going to let Spotify guide me today . . . and lets see what happens.

Arianna Grande – Almost is Never Enough

She is not a Mariah Clone . . . I think she actually has the option of being better. ¬†Lots of it will depend on her song choices. ¬†But her voice is amazing. ¬†bout the Song: Almost is NEVER Enough. ¬†I’ve held on to almost multiple times, and it never ended up the way i felt it should have. ¬†This song evokes the pain that can come from letting go/giving up. ¬†It’s the conversation you have when you are walking away.

Try to deny it as much as you want, but in time our feelings will show . . .

When you are trying to make it work, and begging the other person to try with you, and it just seems like they won’t. You are on the outside looking in at something falling apart. ¬†A very deep song sung by someone who probably hasn’t experienced this yet. Shouts to Nathan Sykes from The Wanted.

Bad Meets Evil – I’m on Everything ft. Mike Epps

Eminem and Royce da 5’9 are everything. ¬†Them rapping together is also everything. ¬†They play off each other so well lyrically. ¬†I remember when I heard they had fallen out, I was actually sad for Detroit Hip-Hop. When I heard about this album, via Twitter of course, I was SO EXCITED. The clip from the Mike Epps special is hilarious, and the beat is just . .. you guessed it everything. ¬†It’s actually my favorite song on this album. ¬†The fact that it’s about the kinds of Drugs they were both doing during their careers . . .and they are now both sober makes it even better. ¬†They aren’t glorifying drug use at all . . . but it’s a catchy ass song. ¬†It wasn’t until I listened to the lyrics . . . Durgs are bad guys. ¬†BAD. ¬†This album is a my favorite “I have lots of shit to get done and I need to be motivated” album. Also, Royce and I had a conversation on Twitter one night. ¬†Clearly he loves me.

John Legend – Made to Love

The drums on this song ALONE . . . . I love this album because it tells a story. ¬†As with¬†Get Lifted, when it’s over I feel like I watched a movie about a relationship. ¬†I saw all the ups and downs, and at the end they lived happily ever after. ¬†One reason John Legend has remained a favorite of mine, his messages/songs/lyrics are real. ¬†He doesn’t paint pretty pictures. ¬†He talks about what it’s really like to be in a relationship. ¬†The cheating, the love, the fights, the wanting to make it work, the end of it all. ¬†Especially in this song, you can just picture him talking to this woman, like “This is it Girl. We are here for each other. ¬†Let’s bask in this shit, and make it work.” Definitely a favorite on Love In the Future.

Diddy-Dirty Money – Your Love

#Fact Diddy-Dirty Money was an awesome Group . . . yet another one that Sean Combs ruined. ¬†This album goes so damn hard! When he ended Danity Kane, I was worried that I was never going to hear Dawn’s voice again. ¬†When he introduced this group, I was a tad bit concerned. ¬†Even after I watched the Making of the Album on MTV . . . still had reservations. ¬†But this song right here . ¬†. .

Just vulgar and catchy at the same time. ¬†Trey Songz was whinin’ his lil heart out . . .and making it sound good. ¬†Kaleena (is that her name?) and Dawn really compliment each other, to the point that I can’t really tell their voices apart. I didn’t know whose P***y was walking on who’s tongue. ¬†even the video was sexy. ¬†Damn You Diddy. You Ruin EVERYTHING!

Sam Smith – Nirvana

So the blog I wrote before this one is all about my love for Mr. Smith. But there is always more that can be said about him!

I’m done with running so I give in to you
This moment has caused a reaction
Resulting in our reattachment
Oh you take me to nirvana
I don’t think this will last
But you’re here in my arms

This song is all about that moment you wake up in the morning and regret. ¬†Maybe you smoked too much, maybe you drank too much. ¬†But you fell right back into the bad haidt you were trying to avoid. ¬†But once you fell, you decided to just let that feeling last for whatever time you have with each other. ¬†“I know it’s wrong . . . but it feels so damn good.” This song is the truth.

Young Money, Drake – Trophies

Love the “Horns” at the beginning of this song. ¬†It’s a great way to start the song. ¬†We all know I love me some Drake. ¬†Even moreso after the SNL appearance. ¬†I love that he doesn’t really take himself seriously. ¬†Technically this is supposed to be a Young Money song . .. but it’s Drake. This is just a remember to those who think he’s walked away from Young Money, and isn’t down for them (I think.) Honestly, I just like the beat.

What’s the move? Can I tell truth?
If I was doing this for you
Then I have nothing left to prove, nah
This for me, though
I’m just tryna stay alive and take care of my people
And they don’t have no award for that

Idle Warship – Beautifully Bad

Found this song on a Spotify Radio Station, I think the Talib Kweli station. ¬†This entire album is the truth. ¬†I love collaboration albums, especially when it’s something I came across on accident. ¬†The entire album evokes an emotion for me. ¬†Res and Talib are the perfect blend of soul and hip-hop. ¬†This song is one of those, if only I had heard this while I was IN the relationship. ¬†I might have known how to express myself to him/her.

And I closed my heart for you,¬†Couldn’t love if I wanted to
When you gave up on us . . . I became bitter
And never wanted to believe,¬†That you’re killing all my energy
You’re beautifully bad to me

Yup. All of that.  ALL OF IT!

Justin Beiber – Heartbreaker

Yes. ¬†I still listen to Justin Bieber. ¬†I think he’s become an asshole, but his music is still great. ¬†I understand why this album was a mixtape. ¬†His core demographic probably heard this album and was like, “Who Bitch What?!?!” It’s all R & B, and actually soulful. ¬†I mean as soulful as Justin Bieber could be. The entire album is great actually, except for that song with R. Kelly . . . because R. Kelly is singing to the WRONG age group. This is Justin’s sexy album. ¬†And I’m here for you Justin, I am.

Trillville – Some Cut ft Cutty

First of all, the explicit version of this song . . . SO MUCH. This song is attached to The One that Got Away. This was our favorite song to dance to at college parties. ¬†Like, the INSTANT the bed squeaks started, we found each other. ¬†Don’t judge my life, because you don’t know my life!

Anyway, my favorite parts of the song are the funniest. What guy tells a girl, “I’ll follow that ass in the mall…” Really, is that what we do? Also, how did the start of the song get explained in the studio. “Aight dude, listen. ¬†Just record the mattress squeaking. ¬†Not voices, yes for 16 measures. Trust me, it’s going to work. But don’t drop the beat until 8 measures in. ¬†TRUST ME DAWG, It’s gonna work.” Also, they talk A LOT about their balls in this song. ¬†Like at least twice in every single verse. ¬†And in the chorus . . .*le sigh*

The fact that I actually answer my phone with the 1st line in the chorus when my close friends call me tho . . . Also: I listen to this song at LEAST twice a week. ¬†I feel like that MIGHT say something about me as a person. I don’t CARE what it says, but I think it says something.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

See, I thought this was going to be an expulsion of emotions. ¬†Instead it was a fun little trip down memory lane (at least for me). ¬†It feels good to write about music, and not be working on my book, or submitting resumes, or goal planning, or updating business plans. ¬†I clearly needed to heed Dominique’s advice and just start living in the moment.

Anyway . . . thanks for reading and listening. I hope you enjoyed this very random musical journey as much as I enjoyed writing about it.