Picture it: Ohio, Summer of 2006 or . . . The Good Ole’ Days

Best Album of 2006

When this album came out, my life changed.  I don’t mean that in the metaphorical sense.  I mean my entire life changed.  I had just recently moved out of my mother’s house, and into my first apartment that wasn’t paid for my Sallie Mae.  I was living in a beautiful apartment, and I was losing a best friend.  The Summer of 2006 taught me what kind of person I should be, and who in my life was important.

The first time I heard this song I thought, “Well, that’s a new sound for Cee-Lo.” Then all of a sudden it was EVERYWHERE! Every commercial about a new product, every reality tv show, every radio station (white or black.) It was like the second of Christ for some people when they heard this song.  But the reason this album still means so much to me is the memories this song represents.  The moments where everyone told me I was being irresponsible with my time, and it didn’t seem to phase me. A time in my life where my biggest worry was working 4-9hour shifts at work so I could take half of friday off and drive to Dayton and/or Columbus.

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

I used to be (and kinda still am) the epitome of Living Paycheck To Paycheck.  I traveled every two weeks, on a Friday that’s I got paid.  I would spend about $300 in one weekend, then come back and take care of bills.  But it was worth it!  Keep in mind, this was before Facebook, (yes I’m that old) and all we had was MySpace. I wrote blogs everyday, and we sent emails during the work day to plan out our weekends of debauchery. For a while, it’s was just traveling the state of Ohio to attended various Pride events.  The real fun began during the 4th of July Weekend.

Please Notice the AMOUNT of 

liquor on the Entertainment Center

The Summer of 2006 is the last time I drank on a daily basis.  The amount of money we all spent on liquor and food was just . . . Thank God my Uncle was having his annual invite everyone you know BBQ.  So we ate for free that weekend . . . more $ for Liquor! When we weren’t having random photo shoots, we were walking around malls harassing strangers.  And the whole time, St. Elsewhere was playing in the background.

This is not to say there weren’t some dark times that Summer. There was that one time when this chick tried to kill herself and we had to call the cops to go find her. And in that same weekend, we all decided to get “Frivolous White Girl Tattoos.” That summer a marriage ended, and my roommate moved out leaving me alone with a $849 a month rent (because she was in love with her boyfriend). *it should be noted my former roommate is now happily married to this man*

Blogging about how much fun we were having . . .

The ups and downs of Summer 2006 are why I love thinking about that summer, because everyday brought something different. I think I wrote like 12 blogs a month.  I was in a place where everything meant something.  Every experience meant something life changing.  I was so damn EMO that Summer.  This was the first time I had to worry about money, and having enough of it.  I didn’t have my mom to borrow money from every other day. 

I ❤ Her cuz she cooks for me!

How can you hear that song and NOT want to make new friends in public.  While dressed provocatively. And slightly drunk.  I mean really. The majority of the Summer of 2006 . . . was FUN.  I mean like crying laughing type of fun.  For every tear shed in sadness, there were 1000’s shed while rolling around laughing on the floor.   It’s the summer I met The Girl, and she made me the greatest fried Chicken I’ve ever had. She is the reason (while 100% sober) I wrote this little song:

Ode to Chicken

(To the Tune of Ode To Joy)

Chicken, Chicken, It’s Delicious
Love to eat it everyday!
Chicken, Cook it, Fry It, Love It,
Chicken, eat it Everyday!

Chicken, Chicken, I love Chicken
Chicken, it’s been good to me . . .
Chicken, Chicken, Finger Lickin’
Chicken brings me Ecstasy!

You don’t know you are happy until you look back at it.  But MAN, I was so happy that summer.  I did what I wanted to do, without fear of what people would think of me.  In my mind, my actions didn’t effect anyone but me.  There was no such thing as a repercussion.  That’s the summer I learned that Love has not age limit or sexual orientation.  It’s just love. The usual end of Summer is celebrated Labor Day Weekend. And Celebrate it we did! The Blog Title for that weekend: Liquor, A Smelly Cat, 2 Bathroom Orgys, a Spanish Serenade, and  A Gay Chicken. *please click that, it’s worth the read*

I don’t even remember TAKING this picture

The most enduring part of Summer 2006. . . The memories I didn’t get a chance to write about, because I was having too much fun.  It’s the songs we sang at the top of our lungs while driving up & down the highway. It’s the outfits we coordinated the day after labor day, because they were all white, and we don’t give a damn about your rules.  It’s the fact that every picture we took that summer had us in the same order. It’s every mile we put on my leased car.  It’s every bottle of liquor we finished, that ended in laughter and merriment. . . And strangely, the Blog I wrote as a tribute to the people who made it so great still stands!

Shout-out to The Girl: For  making me get off my ass and go to arts and crafts.  For being such an incredible person, a loving person, and the Ambassador of Let’s Make it All okay.  People like her make it a better place in this world, so shout outs to you, for making an emotional breakdown not last as long as it could have . . .

Shout-outs to Aaliyah: Who refuses to back down, who lives her life the way she wants to, regardless. To love, in it’s many shapes and forms, in old pictures, and drunken almost fights, and passing out in Paris, and other random shit, to happiness.  To a love that will never die, even if we are separated for like 3 years cuz of stupid girls, you will forever be my little sister, and it will always be my right, do tell you what i think is best for you, lol. . .

Shou-tout to the Word FUCK: To being able to use it and express pure emotion, to making it work in any situation, to being able to yell it in a car, and make someone listen to the words you are trying to say to them . . .

Shout-out to Diamond: To giving the Best Damn Hugs EVER, even though they weren’t appreciated the way they should have been.  To knowing that things change, and people change, but fuck anyone else that doesn’t have your best interests at heart.  To hoping that she finds her happy place, inside her self, and to hoping that she knows that regardless of everything else that happened, will happen, or is happening right now, she will always be my wife . . .

When was the last time you danced?

Late Night Ramblings of 2010 #4: Filling the Void/Closing the Gap

Last year, I wrote a note on FB called  Pieces of Me. I strongly suggest you check it out before reading this, because this is actually a continuation of that note.

You never know when someone can change your life.  You also never know when you will be the person to change a stranger’s life.  In the conversations I have had with people this year, one thing that seems to become more and more obvious is that a lot of people are walking around with Pieces Missing.  We go about our days, making due with what we have.

Some of us have those late nights when the emptiness becomes too much to handle, and we can’t help but have a breakdown.  One of those nights when you can’t sleep, because every thought you have ever had about your life is running through your head.  You are trying your hardest to Fake it Until you Make It.  But in the loneliness of your thoughts, you have to come face to face with the Void that exists within you.

Today, I admitted to {for all intents and purposes} a complete stranger, that for most of my life, I filled that Void with food.  I had never even admitted that to MYSELF. The void left in me by my relationship with my father was a large one.  It’s affected every relationship I have ever tried to have.  The pain that comes from the constant rejection of someone who is SUPPOSED to love you is often times unbearable.

People who have never experienced that pain will try to tell you, “But God Loves You.” or “All You need is Gods Love, he will fill that Void.” They are wrong.  Disagree with me if you want, but they won’t know what that feels like.  To look at how your parent(s) treat other people, and know that you don’t get that same love.

People in Arizona respect my father.  They tell me all the time what a great man my father is.

They are talking about the same man who told me I was never going to amount to anything, because my mother raised me.  The hypocrisy of who my father has become is awe-inspiring.  He’s a Member in Good Standing at his church.  He runs the entire Jail Ministry.  He spends more time with Inmates than he ever did with his own children.  This is my father.  This is the man whose name will be tied to mine until I get married.

I gained about 40 pounds while I lived with him.  The Void was looking me in the face for 11 months.  I was deemed less than, unimportant, and finally a burden while I lived with him.  The only person who understood what that felt like was my mother, because she had lived it as well.  Much of my fathers dislike for me is based on his feelings for my mother.  He was punishing me for what he deemed my mother’s transgressions.

So why did I move to Arizona in the first place?

Because I was tired of being broken.

I was tired of hating myself because of what someone else had told me was a flaw.  I was tired of filling the Void with Food, and Sex, and wrongly invested attachments.  I was tired of searching for love from all the wrong people.  I came here because I wanted to see if I could forgive my father for the hurt he caused.  Having hate in your heart doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you.

I had to Close the Gap. I had to take all those feelings of Abandonment, and Unworthiness, and Self-Loathing, and examine them.

It would have been great if I could have done that in a week, then found a Job, and moved on with my life, but it took a year.  Living in a hostile environment can bring out the best or the worst in a person.

Thankfully, it brought out the Best in Me. It brought out the Writer in Me.  It brought out the Singer in Me.  It brought out the Public Speaker in Me. It brought out the Beauty in Me.  It brought out the Child of God in Me.

After the late night walks, and tears, and late night phone conversations, I survived.

I write this for all those people who don’t know if they can make it.  Who see themselves in a place of such darkness that they can’t fathom coming out on the other side.  For those of you who have a pain so deep inside, you can’t seem describe it in words.  For those of us who cry ourselves to sleep every night, and beg the Lord for a release from this pain.

You can Fill the Void.  You can Close the Gap.  Be strong in YOU.  Remember what YOU want for yourself.  Remember your Goals.  Keep your GOALS in a visible place, so that you can have a reminder, that it’s not going to be like this forever.

You can survive.  You WILL survive.

Because I Did.  For a long time, I didn’t know if I would.  But I Did.

And So Will You.

Liquor, A Smelly Cat, 2 Bathroom Orgys, A Spansih Serenade, and A Gay Chicken . . . .

That was my wonderful weekend in Ohio . . . We can just go down the list right now, so you can know how ridiculously ignorant my weekend truly was

1) Liquor
I spent 150 dollars in less than 30 minutes, all on liquor.  First, we went to Kroger, or actually, i met the Triad, Impressive, and a VERY nervous Matrix at K Rogers.  I got my Staples (Peach Schnapps, A Party Pack of Smirnoff Ice, a disposable camera, and the Pink stuff, {which I think I left at Liyah’s House}) and the party began.  Then, we went to the Liquor Store, and went retarded.  Never mind that I had to pay my phone and Cable bills, once I saw that BEAUTIFUL Absolut Raspberry Bottle, it was a done deal.  Got some other stuff, or rather, Liyah did, but our total there was 97 dollars.  Combined with the 50 that I spent and K Rogers, yeah, went retarded.  Then, had to stop by Rally, and get a Fat Girl burger.  Why we don’t have the Fully Loaded Triple Cheeseburger in Mich, I just don’t know . . . Got back to Liyah’s house, and it was a WRAP

2) A Smelly Cat
Rza, your cat smells like ass.  Not even fresh ass, but like moldy, sick ass.  I tried really hard to love your cat, but it was like super hard.  He’s pretty, but stinky.  And I guess Liyah is used to the smell, becuz we had to like force her to de-Funk the house. Then we had to lock the cats in the closet, and Liyah had to change the litter.  How lazy is Aaliyah, that she actually bought a disposable Liter Box, and threw away her litter box, like the whole thing, because she didn’t want to clean it.  Fat Ass, I love her!

3)Bathroom Orgy #1
So it’s about 11:30pm, we have been drinking hard care for about 2 hours, and The Girl comes back to Liyah’s crib.  Even though she was posed to be studying for the GRE, she came back to support Liyah’s party, or that is what she says.  20 minutes later, as Liyah is just about ready to throw up, and hit round 2, they disappear upstairs, and all you hear from the stairwell are SOMEBODY’S moans coming from the bathroom.  Then, the wife and Matrix went upstairs too . .. More Moanin’. Then Liyah’s Brother went upstairs . . . Bed shaking, could see it through the outside window . . . Then G and Impressive went to his room . . . Bed Head like a Mo’Fo . . .You would think I am making this up, I’m not.  4 couples, 30 minutes, ORGY

4) A Spanish Serenade
Don Q made an appearance at about 1:00, drivin the most Pimped Out truck ever.  So gonna get me one of those! "All I need is some Liquor, a Cup, and a Sunrise, and I am good!"  Never Mind that he drove 8 hours to get there, and worked for 8 hours before that, so he had been up for like EVER, he was there to kick it. He brought some Don Q Cristal Rum (Hence his NickName) and proceeded to get EXTRA lit.  By 3 in the morning, he was singing Spanish Ballads to me while I was laying on the floor, pretending to go to sleep.  With all the outside/inside drama going on, I couldn’t have slept anyway . . . But having a Sexy Ass Puerto rican sing to you in Spanish, you don’t go to sleep.  You stay up, so that you can remember every minute of that, for years to come!  I was trying to translate, and convince him that he was totally in love with me.  I did the first thing, the second . . . ehhh you can’t win them all, tee hee hee.  We tried really hard to get that sunrise, passed out at 5:45, woke up at 6:20, like Son of a Bitch, we missed it.  After that, we just stayed up and talked until we went to Bob Evans, becuz all i needed was White Bread Toast and 4 Sausage Patties, and I got it!

5) Bathroom Orgy #2
Okay, it wasn’t really an Orgy, more like Bathroom Sex. But guess who got caught by Pops (Diamond’s Dad) doing sex in the upstairs bathroom . . . Rumor has it, the moans are what woke him up . . . All Lesbians are just horny people, just doing sex all the time, supposedly taking a shower, so that you can change your clothes so the kid’s father doesn’t see you looking like a bum . . .Liar, yall were doing the sex too . . .

6) A Gay Chicken
Ever seen a Chicken with a Beer Can up his ass? Yeah, even Chickens are gay are Diamond’s House.  Her dad reamed that Chicken something good! And with a Tall Boy Beer at that, not even the lil short can, it was the Long and big tall bud can.  What does the Gay Chicken say? Finger Snap, CLUCK.  It’s not as funny when you type it, you have to see me do it.

7) 2 Fat Girls in the Kitchen
The Fat girl blog is comin, I swear.  Me and Liyah were so damn fat on Monday, it just wasn’t even funny.  We actually ate the corner’s out of the Freshly cooked Cheese and Mac, so much so that we had to cook the extra one, and replace it.  Never mind that she greases the foil pan with butter, then was getting mad because the pats of butter she was putting on top of the 7 pounds of cheese weren’t distributing themselves correctly.  Who puts butter on TOP of the Cheese and Mac.  Why do i keep calling it Cheese and Mac, because she really did use 7 pounds of cheese, and a Damn whole BLOCK of Velveeta.  Fat Ass!

You Might be a Fat Girl, if you take Shots of Half and Half! You might also be a Fat Girl if, when Pop’s brings in the grill from the smoker and you see the pieces of meat hanging off that he didn’t scrape off, your first thought is, can i get a fork down there to get that meat and not burn myself.

I was so fat, i was full before it was really time to eat.  So fat that i was talking to Liyah, asking her a serious question, and mid-word i had to comment on the strawberry that she was cutting up, because it looked that good. So fat, i was taste testing everything, and still offered Matrix 50 cent to bring me 2 pieces of cornbread, and another 50 to bring me some fruit and dip.  Then i tried to feel better about myself, because i called the dip yogurt dip, and was promptly told, Fat Asses don’t eat yogurt dip, it’s marshmallow creme.

8) The Spanish Inquisition
Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition! Even after I told The Wife that Don Q didn’t want to date me, and Liyah told her too, she still gave him the flux.  The only information she didn’t get was the Social Security Number, and the address.  Don Q was like, she should just get an application form, prior to meeting these people, so that she has the information before hand.  He might be right.  I heard him answering questions that I didn’t even know to ask, and then had to pretend I wasn’t interested in knowing the answers.  Then, on Monday, she did it again, except not ot me, but to Salt new lil’ friend.  I don’t think she passed the test, at all.  We were too much for her.  Even The Girl and Matrix got in on it, cuz they were happy they weren’t getting grilled and talked about, lol.

All in all, it was a great weekend.  There were some minor incidents, mis-understandings, and kerfuffles, but it was great.

Ode to Chicken

(To the Tune of Ode To Joy)

Chicken, Chicken, It’s Delicious
Love to eat it everyday!
Chicken, Cook it, Fry It, Love It,
Chicken, eat it Everyday!

Chicken, Chicken, I love Chicken
Chicken, it’s been good to me . . .
Chicken, Chicken, Finger Lickin’
Chicken brings me Ecstasy!

Right, was so eating Chicken when I thought this up.  Such a Fat Girl, but isn’t this song GREAT!