Tag Archive | Single

The Black Twitter Guide to Dating

In no way can I claim to be part of the #BlackTwitterElite. My blog is not quoted daily, nor do I have 1000+ followers.  No one buys my cookies online, and I haven’t discovered (then exploited) all the secrets Shea Butter holds.  But What I am, is an observer.  I follow the people to which the aforementioned criteria applies to.  In my observations, I have learned that I have been doing this dating thing all wrong.  I offer to you, The Black Twitter (Male) Guide to Dating.  Enjoy!

Rule #1: You Must Be Physically Perfect

NO EDGES, NO MAN!

This means you can never take a bad picture.  EVER. The only way you are considered an eligible prospect is physical perfection, or making a constant effort to get there. The good thing is, you don’t have to be NATURALLY perfect.  Cosmetic ‘restructuring’ is perfectly acceptable, as long as you don’t expect your man to pay for it.  Ass shots, fake boobs, spray tan, proper photo angles . . . all of these are fine, as long as no one is ever exposed to your flaws.

Where do You Fall?

Rule #1a: Long Hair, they really do care.  If it’s a weave – as long as it doesn’t come out during the two-hour quickies in the middle of the day – the Black Twitter Male has no issue with it.  HOWEVER, ‘Yo Edges Betta Be On POINT!’ Those edges must flourish.  If they don’t, you should have a plan of action in order to improve them.  But make sure you purchase your all-natural products from the right person/company/online store, because this faux-paux is grounds for a breakup and an immediate twitter slandering.

Rule #1b: If you choose to go natural, your hair texture must be between a 2B and a 3F.  Anything other than that is nappy, and that shit ain’t cute.  Cuz we all know, Natural ain’t for everybody.

Rule #2: All Girls must understand/like sports to be considered dating material.  

This means you will sit on the couch during the game (after you have made him the greatest sandwich to ever have been made) and watch the game with him.  Because if you won’t watch the game with him, there will always be another female who will.

Black Twitter Perfection

Rule #2a: You must understand enough about sports to never talk during a game, but not enough to argue a call/play.  No good woman is so into sports she disagrees with her man.  The minute you get the urge to argue a call, just go make a sandwich, or clean something.  It could save your relationship.

Rule 2b: You Must Like Football.  American Football, not Soccer.  This is not an option.

Rule 2c: Either you hate Lebron James, or you know all the stats that make him better than Jordan. This rule also applies to Kobe Bryant.  If your man is having an argument about the Greatness of Jordan/LeBron/Kobe, you should be able to back him up.  Your facts must be up to date, so study while you are making dinner.  This shows your level of dedication to your man.

Rule #3: Chivalry Exists, just not all the time.

. . . This.

It’s unfair to expect a man to have a clearly defined role in your relationship, so stop expecting it.  Yes, he is a MAN. But if he doesn’t want to be the provider, that is his choice.  If you fight him about it, it’s really you being difficult, not him being a bum.  Doesn’t he take out the trash? Doesn’t he always cut the grass three days after you ask? Doesn’t he always drive your car when you are going somewhere? Why are you asking so much of him? Do you want to be single?

Rule #3a: You are not allowed to have an opinion . . . ever. You minute you understand this, you will have a happy relationship.

She knows her place . . . do you?

Rule #3b: All women belong in the kitchen, or at work.  You must choose one or the other, you can’t to both.  The minute you find a man, you have to either become his property or his provider.  The 2013 man isn’t looking for a partner, he’s looking for a caregiver. If you can’t cook, then you better have a good ass job.  Cuz Real Men don’t cook, they only use the grill.  And they drink imported beer.  And who do you think it going to pay for that? Surely not him.  So you better be making at least $75,000 a year.  You can’t support two people on anything less.

Every Man on Black Twitter Looks Like This

Rule #4: Men will be men . . . deal with it.

If you question why he thinks it’s okay to flirt on social media, it’s because he’s a man.  He’s not fcuking her, they just play flirt.  Stop being so sensitive.  You are lucky to even have a man, if you think about it.  You, with your 4b textured hair, and your oddly off-kilter smile.  You are really pushing it by asking him to respect your relationship. Having expectations for your man is why you were single in the first place.

Rule #4a: The Modern Black Woman doesn’t expect the man to do anything but love her.  If you want to go on a $200 date (what you need to know it’s real) then you BEST pay for it yourself.  Or at least pay half.  And if you don’t pay for half of it, you should have a way to say thank you . . . Also, don’t ask for anything. BUT, you better let him know what you are NOT asking for.  Don’t just show up at the crib with your Hair Did, Nails Done, everything did.  You better tell him where you are going first!

. . . and that’s fine. You should be Light Skinned tho . . .

Rule #5: All single women are lonely bitter women . . . and also probably dark skinned.

Because Light Skinned women are perfect.  They fit all the requirements by just existing.  Its not the Black Twitter Male’s fault that you have 2 babies’ fathers.  He didn’t leave you alone and pregnant. He takes care of his 4 kids, $50 a month for each of them. And he sees them on the Holidays.  Why are you so angry? Is it helping, Bitter DarkSkinned Lonely Black Woman.  I doubt it.

Rule #5a: The best kind of woman is a Lady in the Streets, and a Freak in the bed.  And also a Freak on Twitter.  Also a Freak on Instagram.  Also, she is a Twitter Honey. (She’s allowed to have followers, but she can only follow you) And also, she can twerk to any song.  And also, she’s down for a threesome.  Or a foursome.  Also, she will send you nudes on every major life occasion, and then just because.  And, if you as a Black Twitter Male leaks those nudes, well it’s her fault for being a Hoe.

Rule #5b: The Black Twitter Male is looking for a submissive woman.  This means he is in charge all the time.  He sets all the rules that she is to live by, in their relationship.  He is also not bound by these rules, because he is a man. (See Rule #4) She must have read 50 Shades of Grey, and been able to relate to it.  Because all women really just want a man to be in charge, and the perfect woman wants to hand over control the minute she meets a man.

I share . . . because I Care.

Doesn’t all this information make you look at Dating in 2013 in a different light?!?!?!  You, like me, were probably trying to put your best foot forward, and not settle for anything less than perfect.  Now that you know the standards you should be living up to, I hope to see all of my friends wifed up by the end of 2013.  I’m looking for all kinds of wedding invites in 2014.

Thanks for Reading! Comments/Thoughts/Additional Rules Welcomed!

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Moment of Clarity or The Man of My Dreams . . .

When I was younger, my mother would say I had ‘Second Sight’ because I would make statements, say the most ridiculous things about people, and they would be (or come) true. I knew what I knew because I would dream it.  It wasn’t always clear to me what it meant, but I would always share it with my mom.  I was the Fish Dream QUEEN until I hit puberty.  About then, my dreams started to be less detailed and more like everyone else’s.

Honestly, the ability to see other people’s lives in my dreams used to scare me.  I never told anyone but my mom about it, because I thought it made me just a little too different.  On occasion, I would have a dream that was warning me of something or someone and I would trust it.  The only by-product of this pre-pubescent skill seemed to be the ability to pick lottery numbers for one of my mother’s friends.  Any time he would ask, I would give him winning numbers.  Sadly, we didn’t get money, but I did get pretty dresses.

Because I still remember what my dreams used to tell me, I believe and trust them.  They help explain (frequently to myself) the rationale behind something which has already happened in my life.  Nonetheless, I ALWAYS I know I am dreaming.  I have a Moment of Clarity (usually at the beginning of the dream) in which I state, “This isn’t real.” It helps me process what I’m experiencing during the dream, as well as after.

This morning, I dreamt  about The One that Got Away. *He will always be known as that, I think we would have been an amazing couple.  If only I hadn’t been so shy when I was younger.* I had gone to Dayton to visit some friends, and we happened to be in the same place.  We saw each other from afar and made eye contact.  In my mind, he should have immediately come and spoken to me.  For some reason, he chose not to.  I was PISSED.  I said in front of everyone in the restaurant, “I’m standing here trying to figure out why *********** hasn’t walked over here and spoken to me.” I then walked away, grabbed a straightening comb and went to find a plug.

He quickly followed me out of the room, and the restaurant morphed into my father’s house.  I walked into my childhood bedroom and he joined me.  I lay down on the bed, and he sat beside me.  We started conversing about everything I’ve gone through in the last 2 years and after telling him about it,  I experienced such a feeling of peace.

The kind of peace you only experience post-Church Service that was speaking to your soul. We just laid there, I put my head on his chest and slept. Before I fell asleep, he said, “I’ll be here when you wake up.”  When my alarm went off, he wasn’t there.   I cried, HARD. He had broken his promise to me.

I really had to tell myself, MJ it was a dream. After thinking about this dream all day, and talking to TOTGA, I finally interpreted  the dream.  It wasn’t so much about him, but men in my life. It must be stated, I’m an open book.  I don’t hide anything from people I meet, especially if I plan on being emotionally intimate with them.  With the exception of 1 person, they have all broken their promises (or gone against their word). Be it, “No one will know,” or “I’ll never judge you,” or “Our friendship will always be important to me,” they have all been proven false.

I hold people to incredibly high standards.  That’s how I was raised by both of my parents, and it’s something I apply to my everyday life.  (That’s a whole other blog though)

In the case of my Father, he has broken so many promises to me in my lifetime (in my opinion) trusting him isn’t really an option at this point.  As a grown woman, I shouldn’t’ need to rely on his promises, right?  I should be looking at my ‘Mate’ for that kind of security.  The problem is, every man I have ever been involved with romantically has been some version of my father in some way.  This shouldn’t have come as such a surprise to me, as I’ve spoken about my Daddy Issues at length in other postings.

In my experience, Moments of Clarity are the by-product of a subconscious accepting of something you have been struggling to comprehend/understand/deal with.  When it clicks in your soul, you can finally face it in your mind. I’m there now.

I can finally admit there was nothing I could have done to change how my relationship with MM ended.  There were too many reasons it wasn’t working, and only a few reasons it was.  I can admit I failed.  I made a promise I wasn’t able to keep, and THAT’S what hurt the most.  I am and have been living with the guilt that I am Just Like My Father.  Talk about MindFuck.  Yeah, all that.

This Moment of Clarity comes at a hard time for me personally.  I’ve lost 2 friends this year, mostly due to my own inability to deal with the loss of MM.  I don’t blame people for writing me off.  I can only hope they eventually understand  my side of it, and we are able to move past everything. When TOTGA asked me about my life, I told him it was ‘Manageable.’ His advice: Work on your management skills, it’s bound to get better.

 Thank God for Granting Me, this Moment of Clarity.

I’m glad it was delivered by the Man of My Dreams.

CSBF Vol 19: I’m a Submissive Woman {Part 2a} Relationship Dynamics

*Quick Disclaimer: I do not claim to be a relationship expert. I have not gone to school for Relationship Counseling, nor have I received a degree in Sociology from a Prestigious University. These words are MY opinions. Based on my own experiences and observations. This is my effort to share my thoughts, and maybe to tell you what is wrong with your relationship. If you are offended, hurt, taken aback by anything stated here…That Sucks. Please enjoy 🙂 *

In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to be a protector/provider.   “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” or “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.

This is a line from my previous blog that I wish to focus on more in-depth here. Please read the previous blog, just so you can understand my mindset. This is Confession of a SINGLE Black Female, so I know some people will read this and think, ‘No Wonder she is single. This chick is crazy.’ But I have come to believe that my delay in understanding the concept of submission is actually WHY I am still single.

I grew up reading Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts. Books full of strong female characters who took no shit, and lived their lives exactly the way they wanted.  Suddenly, a knight in shining armor showed up, and changed their lives forever. In all actuality, I’ve never seen a real life relationship. Not a stable/healthy one anyway.  I grew up in a circle of Single Mothers and dysfunctional homes.  I say all this so that you can understand that my idea of what a relationship should look like has been skewed almost from the beginning.

Part 2A:  What You Are Doing Wrong

The first thing you have to realize – being submissive in a relationship is not evil.

Submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
 Nowhere in that definition does it say: be a human doormat. When most women – and some men – see the word Submission, they immediately think they lose every ounce of respect they have for themselves. Submission doesn’t mean physical abuse (unless ur kinky like that), nor does it mean you lose your voice. It doesn’t mean you become a mouse without a care in the world, nor does it mean your thoughts/opinions don’t matter. Being submissive really means you already know where you stand, so there is no need to constantly redefine that role.

If you are trying to create a good relationship, you might want to look at the people who are around you. This doesn’t just have to do with Dominant/Submissive relationships, but most relationships in general. Birds of a Feather Flock Together.  If you spend all your time listening to your SINGLE Momma/Cousin/Sister/Aunt about whats wrong in your relationship, and you don’t see a problem with that, something is wrong with you.  Don’t forget, Misery Loves Company. After they have talked you out of your relationship & and the potential for happiness, where does that leave you?

If, much like me,  you spent your whole life watching relationships fall apart you should have learned what not to do.  Most children of divorce or bad relationships don’t sit around saying, “Yup, that’s exactly what I am going to do in my relationships!”  So why do we usually end up in that exact relationship? Because we listen to the people who lived that life.  Even more than that, because we don’t have an example, we make it up as we go along.

People in relationships should spend a fair amount of time with other people in relationships. If you are struggling in your relationship, do you have a relationship model? A couple that is by no means perfect, but are actively working on their relationship day by day. Or are you still living like you did when you were single? If you have a partner, but you don’t spend most of your time with them, how are you ever going to find a way to make your relationship work? *I ask these questions not to be condescending or facetious, but with a genuine need to know how your relationship works.*

Too many times, when couple are fighting it’s because they are comparing themselves as individuals, to other people in their life. “Well, Tammy can do whatever she wants, and Ricky doesn’t care!” What you very rarely see is the boundaries that have been set beforehand.  It takes month, even years for a healthy and/or stable relationship to form.  It’s not just what you see at dinner.  It’s every night when you get home, communicating with your partner,  working out the kinks.  Everything pretty didn’t start out that way.

If you are struggling in your relationship, you might need to acknowledge the problem has nothing to do with your partner.  Are you thinking the way you did when you were single? This is where the Submissive attitude comes in.  In a Dominant/Submissive relationship, you aren’t going to be the first person that you think of.  That’s why I say, It Ain’t For Everybody.  I am the most selfish person I know, usually.  It took a constant effort on my part, at first, to even think about someone else first. It’s a decision that I had a make on my own, I wasn’t forced into it.

You have to truly believe, It’s Not About You Anymore. Whether you are married or dating exclusively, you have made a commitment to partner with this other person. This SHOULD mean you are no longer your first priority. Teamwork makes the Dream Work. In almost every relationship imaginable, selfishness will ALWAYS lead to singleness. Is your every thought about what would make you happy? It shouldn’t be.  You should go out of your way, at times, to bring a smile to your partner’s face. This doesn’t mean you completely forget about yourself.  This means you start to enjoy making the other person happy.

Again, It Ain’t for Everybody. As an only child, of a Strong Black and Independent Single Mother, the discovery of this part of me is still difficult to explain to others.  I was taught to take care of myself first. Finding genuine pleasure is pleasing another person (and this has nothing to do with sex) was a very strange feeling for me.  Making slight adjustments to my daily routine, taking time to factor in someone else’s preferences, asking about things before taking control of a situation, all completely foreign to me. But, Good LORD, when I saw the difference it made. It’s all worth it, at least to me.

Look at your past relationships, why did they ultimately end? Usually, it’s because the actions of one or both of the people in the relationship hurt the other person/people. It’s because they were thinking of themselves, and not the unit as a whole. You HAVE to know and understand the preferences of your partner if you are going to actually try to make your relationship work.  Ask yourself, what contributions am I making to this relationship? What am I bringing to the table that makes this better for BOTH of us. If the answer is nothing or something that only benefits you, you might want to reevaluate your choices.

You should also have very Clearly Defined Roles. Labels are at times a good thing. If you are living with a person, who is going to pay bills? Who is going to cook? How many times a week should meals be cooked? Who takes out the trash, makes the bed, etc. These are all responsibilities which have to be taken care of, so why not figure it out together? This way, instead of fighting every week because the dogs didn’t get walked, you spend more time watching the dogs playing outside while cuddled up on the couch. It’s very hard to assume things if you have already discussed it beforehand. Communication is KEY.

On the flip side, everyone has the right to make a request. Requests have more to do with personal preferences than they do with the everyday workings of your relationship. Things like, please put the toilet seat down before you leave the bathroom, or don’t buy fat-free milk if you go shopping. These are seemingly little things, but they can lead to larger problems if not discussed in a timely manner. Never let things fester. It’s the little things that cause the biggest problems when it comes to keeping a couple happy and sane.

If you are the man (or male figure) BE A MAN.  As a man (or male figure), you are going to have to decide if you are a Provider or a Pimp. Meaning, are you providing for your mate because you feel it’s your responsibility,  or are you paying them for services rendered?   Going right along with that, are you a Father Figure or the Head of the Household? Some women – myself included at times – are looking for a Father Figure. A man who is going to take charge of everything, without me having a say whatsoever. Some women don’t want/need that. They already had someone like that growing up.

If you are fortunate enough in this day & age to find a girl without Daddy Issues, then you need to be the Head of your Household. The HoH is the Ultimate Decision Maker.  They make the major decisions when it comes to how the relationship works, what choices need to me made.  This doesn’t mean discussions don’t happen, it just means at the end of the day, the HOH will have the last say.  Many times, the HOH will factor in the preference of their partner.  They could in fact change their decision because they value the thoughts,  opinions, and feelings of their mate.

The most important part of any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, is Honesty. If you can’t be honest with your partner, you shouldn’t be with them.  Truth Hurts, but so does a break up.  If you can’t tell your partner everything that’s on your mind – without fear of retribution – you shouldn’t be with them. Part of that setting boundaries thing I was talking about earlier, comes in here as well.  Sometimes, you are going to have to clarify your intent before even having a conversation with your partner.  You might have to say, “This is just how I feel.  I just need to let it out.” or “I need you to understand that I am referring to what has happened in my past, not to you.”

Mind you, there are going to be times when the possibility of losing that relationship is quite real.  But if it’s a good relationship, once feelings and tempers have cooled, you will be just fine. Another thing to think about: If you can’t tell them about it, should it be going on in your life? If you can’t tell him where you went with your girls, should you have gone? If you have to put a password on your phone he/she doesn’t know, why should he/she trust you?  What do you have to hide? In a healthy relationship, your life should be an open book.

Most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself.  If your relationship isn’t working, be brave enough to admit it isn’t.  If you have tried everything, and done everything in your power to fix it but it’s still broken . . . It might be time to let it go.  You should also be honest about your role in your relationship.  Just because your friends have the upper hand in their relationships doesn’t mean you have to. Stop fighting who you are.

The only thing I know for sure is this is how I am choosing to live MY LIFE.  It’s made my life a lot simpler, and it’s something that I am committed to.  I’m just sharing my story, with the hope that others might find it useful or helpful.  Judge Me If You Want, I have nary a care in the world.  I’m happy.  And in the end, that is truly what matters to me.

Feel free to comment.  I hope this makes you think, or angry, or happy, or all of them.  Thank you for reading.

Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 17: We All Want Love

First, let me start by saying, yes I’m still single.  For those of you who follow me on Twitter or FB, you might have seen me referring to my recent life situation . . . but let me assure you, I am single.

All that being said, let me also say I am still a Shirt Wearing Member of #TeamBreezy.  But I can appreciate a good Album, and Talk that Talk by Riri FiveHead is just a good ass album.  So good in fact, it’s inspired me to write this blog.  It could actually fall into Words and Sounds of Me, but this blog is more about relationships than the music. Now that that’s all out of the way, please press Play, and Let Us Begin . . .

I can pretend that I’m not lonely 
But I’ll be constantly fooling myself 
I can pretend that it don’t matter 
But I’ll be sitting here lying to myself

Sometimes, in our efforts to pretend that being Strong, Black {or Insert Your Race Here}, and Independent keeps us warm at night, we lie to each other.  “I don’t need the stress of a relationship, I’m trying to focus on my career.” We laugh with our girlfriends about how we see heauxs at the club, just trying to get chose.  “I would never have my ass hanging out like that, just to get a dudes attention.” But when we go home, and get into our beds, we secretly admit to ourselves how nice it would feel to get chose.

We all want someone there to hold 
We all wanna be somebody’s one and only 
We all wanna be warm when it’s cold 
No one wants to be left scared and lonely

For much of this year, I have been alone.  Not just lonely, but ALONE. None of my friends – my close friends anyway – live anywhere near me.  I saw ONE of my best friends this year, just one of them.  I haven’t seen my mother in more than a year.  I’ve lived this stressful year, alone.  So yes, I know what being lonely feels like.  I also know that most of my friends judge me for putting myself in my current situation.

So I guess I’m a fool, I’m a fool in love
But I’m willing to stay here, And bask in the glory of his heart
I guess I’m a fool in love . . . 
But I’m willing to look so stupid, ‘Till I’ve had enough.

When I wake up every morning, I’m happy.  I haven’t been able to say that for a VERY long time.  Yes, just 6 months ago, this same person shattered my world into like, a gazillion pieces.  But before that happened, I was HAPPY.  I know the difference between Happy and Content.  I’m going  for Happy right now, because Content is a LONG way away.  I’m learning, Love takes many different forms. A Mother’s Love is unconditional {in most cases}. It’s always going to be there.  No matter what dumb ass life choices you make, your mother is going to be there to help you pick up all the pieces.  {My} Father’s Love is solely based on whether or not I need something from him.  It’s there, underneath the clouds of smoke, and looks of disappointment, but if I was relying on it, I’d die.

You see a monster, I see a smile
You say it’s danger, And I’m in denial
But somehow I feel so safe right now

Your friends, the family that you have chosen just want you to be Safe and Happy.  They want you to make decisions that they understand, and they can justify.  Because I understand this, because I have felt the EXACT same way because of my friend’s life choices, I shouldn’t be hurt that no one understands mine.  But does it hurt, yes it does.  However, in real life, they aren’t here to hold me and keep me warm at night, are they?

Cause you know how to give me that, You know how to pull me back
When I go runnin, runnin . . . Tryin’ to get away from loving ya
You know how to love me hard, I won’t lie, I’m falling hard
Yep, I’m falling for ya but there’s nothin wrong with that

In trying to listen to all my friends thoughts/opinions, and worrying about what everyone else would think, I’ve stopped myself from being honest.  In real life, I go to sleep with his arms around me, and wake up looking in his face..  Nope, we aren’t dating.  Nope, I’m not in a relationship.  I’m just Happy.  And right now at the end of 2011 aka the Year From Hell, that’s enough.

I’m able to close my eyes, Yet my heart’s not so blind
I feel so entitled, LOVE OWES ME . . . I want what’s mine
And some say love ain’t worth the buck
But I’ll give ’em the last dime, To have what I’ve only been dreaming about.

But I Loves Me a Big Girl Tho . . .

Okay, now we know that I have talked, at great length, about the problems that have plagued me in the dating world as a Big Girl.  I’ve discussed everything from Obesity being a Scary Word, to being told by several people that i need to Lower My Expectations because I’m fat. Please read those two blogs for background information if you need to.  For now,

Let’s discuss my complete and utter hatred for the phrase:

I Love Me a Big Girl

1) I know I’m considered a Big Girl. I embrace my Big Girl Status.  In 2011, with every Big Girl under the sun deciding that Fat is Ugly and losing weight, I kinda pride myself in being one of the last Big Girl’s standing.  Take Note, I in no way promote Morbid Obesity, but everyone wasn’t meant to be skinny.  We all know someone who used to be a Big Girl, lost all the weight, and just isn’t quite right.  Like that Lutha’ Curl Cedric the Entertainer was talking about, they just can’t quite get it together.  I don’t hate myself, I don’t hate being Fat. I don’t hate being considered Obese.  I hate that it’s the only thing you see about me.

2) As per my “Save a Horse – Ride a Big Girl” blog, I know that we are sexier than most women.  I know the sex is phenomenal, life changing even.  I know that some dudes only date Big Girls, because they know the sex is the shyt.  I don’t care.  You do what the hell you feel you need to do.  But how dare you come at me like, “The only reason you matter is because you are a Big Girl.” I’m trying to figure out exactly where the Big Girls are that fall for this, because all the ones that I know would probably punch a dude in the face if he even alluded that was the reason he was talking to her.

3) I’d love for a dude to walk up to a Skinny Bitch, and be like “Got damn girl, I love me a heaux that don’t eat food.” Or for a girl to walk up to a dude and be like, ” You walk with the Big Dick Swagger, I’m trying to holla at you.” It doesn’t matter that you’re thinking it.  It matters that you can’t keep that shit to yourself.  I know that I appeal to a certain type.  Every dude isn’t going to look at me, and be like I’m trying to hump.  But really, is that supposed to make me like you MORE? I often question men that are so quick to say they are attracted to Big Girls, because of the WAY they say it.  They say with an expectation, like I am just going to fall in love with them because they take pity on my fatness.  I could be wrong, but I honestly don’t think I am.  I have been fat for the majority of my life, some shit you just figure out.

4) Also, don’t dudes lie anymore?!?!  Like don’t you wanna pretend that you are trying to do something other than hump.  Or have we, as women, been asking for so much honesty in everything else that a man thinks it’s okay to approach you and tell you, “I’m looking for a Cutty Buddy.” Did you think that because I’m Fat, I would be okay with that?  Like oh, a man is paying attention to me.  That’s more than I usually get, so I am going to jump at this opportunity.  I just . . .

5) Gotdammit, Fat Girls everywhere, stop falling for the okey-doke.  You are more than just the fat rolls and overly lubricated Vagina.  That fat is a part of you, not the whole of you.  Stop letting these men use that as the way they describe you. “This is my Big Girl *insert name here*. She is cute for a Big Girl ain’t she.” No Mu’Fucka, I’m cute got dammit.  I’m not cute for a fat girl!

6) Are there some things we probably all want/need to chage about ourselves? Yes.

But that doesn’t mean that you need to go from a size 24, to a size two.  I can tell you right now, I will NEVER see a single digit size.  Not because I don’t think it’s possible, but because I don’t want to be that small.

Am I going to go back to the gym, and meet with the really sexy Mexican trainer that was my motivation to go to the gym? Yes.

But I’m not there to suddently have a happy life because I’m not fat anymore.

Skinny only Equals Happiness for Rich White People.

I will never be that.  When I tell you I am so pissed off.  Not even so much that men think it’s okay to say things like that.  It’s moreso that we, as Big Girls, Skinny Girls, Tall Girls, Short Girls, Black girls, White Girls, Crippled Girls, Deaf Girls, Slutty Girls have allowed these labels to continue to define us.   I know that looks matter, and so does physical attraction, but . . .

That’s. Not. All.

I couldn’t even make the effort to try to explain to this 25-year-old Man, who came from Philly, to live with his mother, who met me as I was getting out of my CAR, while he was standing at a gas station looking like a bum, and talked to me about me going to WORK at 7 in the morning, WHY I was insulted.

I REFUSE to take what the hell is handed to me.  I am not going to drink the “Fat Girl” Koolaid……

….and neither The FUCK should you!

Your Thoughts?

‘Cuz I Want It That Way…….

“You want it to be one way…….but its the other way.” – Marlo Stanfield.

A while back I wrote a blog, which I still need to locate on FB, about having unrealistic expectations in life and love. Thinking back, I know I talked about who and what my ideal man would be. At the time I was dating (sexing) a man who will forever be thought of as the biggest mistake I ever made. Was I trying to justify my choice? Probably. But I still had some valid points.

With that blog in mind, I would like to tell you a story….

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who just wanted to feel safe. She wanted the stability of knowing that someone would always be there to make sure she was happy, and that life hadn’t gotten the best of her. She kept looking to the people she felt were supposed to provide her with that special kind of stability – her father, her siblings, boys that she had encountered in her young life – but none of them could give her what she needed.

So this young girl wandered through life, just looking for someone to keep her safe. Along the way, she met some wonderful people who gave her all kinds of “good advice.” Things like: “Only God will give you that feeling,” & “The sign of a Weak Women is one who goes looking for a man,” & “You can always hug yourself.” This young girl got so used to finding momentary safety and the feeling of False Security, that the concept of actual stability seemed like an unrealistic expectation.

Six years ago, this young girl – now a young lady – met a man who told her he thought she was beautiful. This young lady quickly deemed him crazy and did her best to convince him of her {what she considered} numerous flaws and short comings. She rebuffed his advances, didn’t show up for arranged meetings and moved away without telling him.

3 days ago, she was sitting in her car and he came to her mind. She sent a text, just to say hello and was quite surprised at his response, “I Miss You.” How could he miss me, she thought in shock? He doesn’t even know me to miss me.

That’s why he’s so weird because he likes me. No one in their right mind would ever like me, just because of who I am. Because who I am is so unworthy of that kind of love. The kind if Love that comes from a recognition that goes beyond the physical.

The Young Lady had spent her whole life searching for someone who saw the part of her she hid from the world, and suddenly she realized that someone was right there the whole time. This man had been saying to her, FOR YEARS, “I just want to make you happy.” & “It makes me happy every time I make you laugh.” & “You are such a beautiful person.”

Had the Young Lady become so accustomed to BS that she just couldn’t fathom anyone being Genuine? Did she rebuff the Man because he wasn’t what people would expect of her? Was it because she thought he was crazy for taking an interest in her?

Or, was it because he scared her? Was she so afraid of putting her heart on the line that she would just rather deal with BS? Could she be so used to various forms of rejection, that Acceptance seemed like the wrong thing? Or, is she just completely over thinking like she always does, and needs to go for it?

Whatever the ending to this lovely story, I hope the Young Lady finds the safety and stability that she has been looking for, for 29 years, and finally gets that hug that leads to Happiness.

Am I, Your Fire?
Your one, Desire?
I know, its too late…..
But I Want It That Way. – The Backstreet Boys