Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do . . .

Let start off my saying, I’ve grown alot as a person in the last 10 months.  I’ve become a mature adult, and started to understand so many things about this wonderful world we are currently living in.  But I haven’t lost my GOT DAMN MIND! I am going to be voicing my opinions, if they offend you, I don’t care.  I’m an adult, and I can say what the FCUK I want, dammit. Shyt.

1) Show Up at A Girl’s House At 5 In the Morning.

Okay, first, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE???? Who does that? I was minding my own business, sleeping in my comfortable ass bed, when I hear a voice from afar . . . “Hey {Insert My Name Here}. It’s He’s So Pretty.  I got kicked out of my house. ”

My response, “Are you Fcuking Serious right now?”

Mind you, I would consider this dude a friend.  He’s cool, but a flake.  He has baby momma issues, and that’s HIS shyt. But are you for real right now? Did you just show up at my apartment at 5 in the morning, and we have NEVER had sex, weren’t looking to create a relationship, nothing.  We are just friends? WHO. DOES. THAT?!?!?! There are so many things WRONG with this situtation, like so many things.

• Why didn’t you call me first?
• Why in the Ass Fcuk Hell is it 5 in the morning?
• Why the hell did you show up at MY house?

And like an IDIOT, I actually opened the door.  I blame it on the fact that I wasn’t fully awake.  I said, “Chill on the couch, I will deal with you when I wake up.” Do you know, THIS mu’fcuka had the nerve to try to follow me into my bedroom.  OMG, first thing that came out of my mouth, “Have You LOST YOU FCUKING MIND?” He had the audacity, the unmitigated GALL, to look HURT. Then left in a huff.  MOTHER FCUK! Then, he sends me an EMAIL saying sorry.

About That . . . . Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do.

2) Pretend to be Over Something If You Aren’t

Dear Otis Toussaint, this is directed toward you.  Get Over that SHYT. Yes, the comment was made, it CLEARLY hurt your feelings.  But how much of a bitch are you going to be about the situation.  Telling only your side of the story to people, acting like a useless victim is cowardly, and stupid.  For some reason, you forget to mention calling people Fat Bitches, Cunts, and a plethora of other things.  You forgot to mention that you lied to my face, then tried to call me out on Facebook, less than 12 hours after saying that Internet beef is stupid/petty.  Oh.

Ok.

Also, we don’t care about you.  Seriously, you are a joke just like Ebe.  Your consistent BitchAssNess is the thing we dream of to bring Sum07 together.  We will also continue to antagonize you, because it bothers you.  And stop getting mad when people call you out for wanting to be Atom Kane.  We’ve accepted it, you should to. 🙂

BitchAssNess – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

3) Date Beneath You in 2011

Okay, it shouldn’t cost you to date a man.  I’m not talking about going out to dinner.  I’m talking about you have to change your whole life, just to be with him.  I mean, ruin relationships with other people because of your love for another man.  Broke Folk need love to, but loving them shouldn’t make you broke too.  I continue to see females doing the most OUTLANDISH stuff for men, in 2011.  Don’t you know we are in a Depression.  Every person in the relationship has GOT to be bringing something to the table.  This, “Oh, but he needs someone to help him out for a little while,” mentality is RUINING everything.

Being a Stupid Female – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

4) Be a Proud Black Republican

I MEAN REALLY! This isn’t 1865, when the Republicans were really the Democrats that we know today.  This is 2011, when a Republican running for the Highest Office in the Nation used to go hunting at a place called NiggerHead.  Wanna know why it was called NiggerHead, because a lot of them were chopped off on the land.  Black republicans have GOT to be the stupidest people alive.  I don’t care how conservative you are, at the end of the day, the Republican Party is doing everything in it’s POWER, to keep you Poor.

When they talk about making America a Better Place, did you ever notice that they are getting rid of programs that benefit Brown People.  They’re Just Not That Into You. When they say WE, they aren’t talking to you.  When you vote Republican, you are LITERALLY hurting yourself, and those around you.  It doesn’t matter how much money you have, they will tear you down in a MINUTE. Just look at Tiger Woods. I don’t care how long you served in the military, they put your black ass on the front lines for a reason.

Political Stupidity – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

Preference or Groupie Luv . . .

*For the purposes of this blog, no organization has been specifically named, but you aren’t stupid (hopefully).*

 

Whenever I hear the word Groupie I think of certain people, and certain actions.  So when I was called a Groupie by someone that knows me very well, I was taken aback.  Not so much insulted, but it did give me pause.  Have I presented myself as a Groupie in recent years? Is this what people think of me? The next question I had to ask was, how do you define a Groupie?

 

According to Dictionary.com a Groupie can be defined as:

1)	an ardent fan of a celebrity, esp a pop star: originally, often a girl who followed the members of a pop group on tour in order to have sexual relations with them
2)	an enthusiastic follower of some activity: a political groupie

 

I am a member of a Black Greek Lettered Organization {BGLO}.  This must be stated, so that the next few paragraphs have some frame of reference.  My Sorority has a Brother organization.  While most other BLGO’s claim connection to org’s of the opposite sex, they are not “Constitutionally Bound” as we are. Having grown up as an only child, the prospect of having a nationwide network of Sisters and Brothers greatly appealed to me, and was one of the many selling points when choosing to join my Sorority.

 

 

FACT: I don’t like females. I never have.  We, as a species are full of emotions, and drama, and BS. I realized long ago that dealing with males brought less of the three aformentioned qualities into my life.  So, even before I became a member of my Fine Organization, I spent most of my time with males. It was easier to converse and feel safe and unjudged in the presence of males.

So imagine the surprise of most of my childhood friends when I joined a Sorority.  “You mean you volunteerally choose to spend a large part of your college life in the presence of women? That doesn’t even make any sense.” Yet, I love the tenets of my Sorority.  I love everything that it, as an organization, stands for.  I also love the fact that I am affiliated with it for the rest of my life. I honestly didn’t understand how much my Brothers would impact my life.

 

BUT, joining my Sorority didn’t magically make my proclivity to befriend members of the male species go away.  In fact, because the Men I know called Brother were such Men of High Standard, it made me want to spend more time around “My Brothers.” {Sometimes, I hang out with my Sorors.  But the majority of them that I have met and liked I knew before I was Greek or we met using a social medium where we connected based on personality and not the fact that we belonged to the same Sorority.}

 

IMO, a Groupie is a person that goes out of their way to belong to a certain group. A Groupie spends time and substantial effort to make him/herself noticed by this particular group, in order to feel welcomed, loved, and/or accepted.  But, what if you already belong to the group? If you spend the majority of your time with that group because of your affiliation with them, does that make you a Groupie?

If it’s understood that you naturally gravitate toward a certain caliber of people, or look for certain qualities in the people that you associate with, how are you being a Groupie? Based on the stated definition, you aren’t trying to gain acceptance.  You have already been accepted into the group.

I spent most of my time in college {post college as well} with other members of BGLO’s. Most of the people I knew that were in that select group of people thought the way that I did.  We had the same view of the world.  In the reference to the male members of these BGLO’s they are still men. On occasion, I have found myself attracted to some of them.  Not because they were members of these organizations {okay, well maybe a lil’ bit}, but because they were cute, funny, intelligent, etc.

 

 

For the purposes of this blog, I will admit that the majority of the men I have been involved with have been members of my Brother Organization. Not because I actively sought them out, but because I spent most of my time in the presence of members of my Brother Organization.  So does that make me a groupie . . . .

Or just a Whore?

*Okay, I’m not a whore. The purpose of that statement was to create a dramatic segway to my conclusion.  Not my confessions of whoredom.  Focus people.*

 

As a healthy female looking for a mate, I have certain preferences. BGLO’s have just taken care of the vetting process for me.  Why can’t I use my affilation to find suitable mates? Why must I be considered a Groupie/Whore because I choose to surround myself with a specific group of people?  If I happen to date someone in a group in which I am already considered a member, how does the word Groupie even apply?

 

This is not to say, that I haven’t done Groupiesque things, in order to get the attention of a specific male.  This male could even be a member of my Brother Organization.  But at a certain point, his affiliation is no longer relevant.  There are PLENTLY members of my Brother Organization and other BGLO’s that I can’t stand, and make it a point to never be around.  The same can be said about my Sorors,

BUT, if the range of people in which you are currently associating with is considered a group {and by extension you are a member of that group} in and of itself, are you really a Groupie? This blog could be my way of justifying my actions, or my thoughts, or my using the Matrix as my own personal dating service.  All these things could be true, but HONESTLY, what do you think?

 

Side Chicks: The Musical – An Introduction

Meet the Six People who make up the

Main Cast of Side Chicks: The Musical (SCTM)

DeMarco - The Business Man

DeMarco is married.  According to his wife, they have the Perfect Marriage.  What she doesn’t know, is that as a Sports Manager, DeMarco has his pick of jump-offs every weekend when he travels with his clients.  He never planned to be faithful to his wife, his father was a player and so is he.  He knows what he has going for him.  He’s paid, he looks good, and he has the money to back up anything he says.  His arrogance is going to eventually catch up to him . . . . .

Theme Song: What These Bitches Want from a Nigga – DMX

Camille - The Executive

Camille is an executive Vice-President of a Fortune 500 company.  She handles her business, and doesn’t have time for bullshit.  She barely has time for herself, and definitely doesn’t have time to be in a committed relationship.  The easiest way to satisfy her needs, and still be able to stay on top at work is a No-Strings-Attached type relationship.  The Married/In a Relationship type man gets it all done.  He can’t stay, she won’t be attached, and they can both can go on their merry way at the end of the night. But the story behind her mindset is a doozy . . . .

Theme Song: Love is a Losing Game – Amy Winehouse

Anthony - College Athlete

Anthony is on the brink of National Stardom.  After being Red-Shirted his Freshman Year, he’s finally a starter.  Breaking record after record, he is on the radar of every major news outlet. With the national attention comes the Women.  But Anthony has a girlfriend.  They have been together since they were 15, and he is determined to make it work.  He’s slipped up a few times, and she always took him back.  But how long with that last…..

Theme Song: Number One – John Legend

Samantha - The Loyal Girlfriend

Samantha has been in love with Anthony since she was 11 years old.  She knew him before he was “Terrible Tony.” She understands that Fame has gone to his head a little bit but she thinks that underneath it all, he’s still a Good Guy.  But while she’s trying to make sure she is being all she can be for her man, a blast from the past might just change everything . . .

Theme Song: Is She the Reason – Destiny’s Child

Gavin - The Guy Next Door

Gavin seems to be the All American Boy.  Good Grades, good looks, good background, he’s John Mayer without the hint of DoucheBag.  A chance meeting at the Student Union puts him back in touch with Samantha and begins a series of events that will forever change all of their lives . . .

Theme Song: Follow Me – Uncle Kracker

Tanya - Side Chick Personified

Tanya has been a side chick for a LONG TIME.  Her mother was a Side Chick to a very famous Politician, and she taught her daughter at a very young age, “Anything worth having, is worth stealing from another person.” She doesn’t care who you belong to, if you have something she wants, she will make sure she finds a way to make her give it to you.  She looks at her relationships as business interactions.  Everyone is pleased at the end of the transaction, and they have no reason to complain.  Tanya and her crew, affectionately referred to as “The Gaggle of Bitches,” know exactly how the Side Chick Game is to be played . . .

Theme Song: If Your Girl Only Knew – Aaliyah

Doesn’t it sound all dramatical! Stay Tuned, The Story Begins August 12th (life got crazy)

Open Book (c) Esoteric Eric: But It Only Hurt . . . The First Time

When I first saw you, It was though the eyes of a child.

Starry eyed,  in awe of your intelligence.

I was amazed, and attracted to, your face, your body, your lifestyle. . . . . . But You Didn’t See Me.

The rejection wasn’t blatant, but it was there.  But It Only Hurt . . . . .  the First Time.

I came up with a plan, to get you to notice me.

Listened to music I had no way of understanding,

asking questions I already knew the answers to.

I did everything I could to get your attention.

“I was a Man, I wouldn’t notice a Child,” . . .

Hearing that Only Hurt . . . . The First Time.

16 years later, I have all the attention I wanted from you then.

I replay our conversations constantly, trying to figure out what is different  . . . THIS TIME

I question, “Why all of a sudden,  do you see me?”

And I FEAR the day you won’t again.

I know how important you have become to me, so quickly

“You need to stop being afraid of what may happen, and live in the moment.”

I have no idea what I’m doing. . . Because It Only Hurt . . . . The First Time.

I lay next to you, and just touch you . . . I know you find it strange.

When I was younger, that was all I wanted to know . . . .

The feel of you next to me, breathing on my skin, talking about nothing and everything

Knowing that you have a choice to be anywhere else, and You Still Choose Me.

I don’t sleep when you are next to me, I’m taking the time to soak it all in.

Looking at your face, and trying to commit everything to memory.

The feel of your skin, the touch of your hands, the weight of your body,

Every moment that I can treasure later. . . .

Because It Only HURT . . . . The First Time you Turned Your Back to Me

RNS (c) AK Vol. 14: Social Networking – Good Idea or Clusterf*ck of Epic Proportions? You Decide . . .

Hello Friends. How is life going for you? Really . . . . that’s awesome! Well, if you don’t know what is going on with me, feel free to read the 9, count them 9, blogs that I have written in January. I recently had a mini-emotional breakdown, and it lead to 72 of no sleep, lots of crying, and finally me turning off my BlackBerry for 24 hours.Yes, you heard right. I, M. J. W., went 24 HOURS without my BlackBerry.

So you know something was really bothering me right? I kept trying to figure out why, every time I turned my back, there was some other kind of drama that I was being bombarded with. It was like Drama (Lonely’s Best Friend) was following me EVERYWHERE!! I couldn’t shake that Heaux loose!

Shutting off my phone helped me to realized something very important: Too many people had access to me. Between FaceBook, Twitter, Skype, BlackBerry Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, Text Messaging, Email, and actual phone conversations, my life was being taken over by, for all intents and purposes, by Fictional Characters in the Story of my life.

Those Three Weeks lead me to these new RNS Facts . . .

RNS #61: FaceBook = Stalker’s Paradise.I joined FaceBook for one reason only. I wanted to see what my friends from Middle School, High School and College were up to. I joined FB at the end of 2006, and it’s been a roller coaster ride ever since. People have found me that I HATED in Middle School. I have been able to keep tabs on people I had loved from afar in High School. I could track that moments of a backstabbing whore when I have to go and wreck shop. I know people are pregnant before THEY do. FB gives me SO much power.

But at what cost? Friendships/relationships have been destroyed via FB as well. Lies told, lies covered up, whole faux relationships begun, all under the guise of Social Networking. THEY STARTED A DAMN e-Sorority and e-Fraternity. REALLY!! I’m not even going to talk about the ramifications Social Networking has had on the Greek World.

{Side Note: Remember back in the day when you could feel hella elitist because you had a FB account and your friends who dropped out of school couldn’t.}

RNS #62: Skype = 3 Way CallingRemember back in high school, when you liked a boy. And you didn’t want to tell him you liked him, but you wanted to find out if he liked you. So you told your girl to call him on 3-Way, so she could ask him what he thought about you. That is Skype. 7 people talking about whatever via their computers. Any Skype Conversation with more than 4 people = ClusterF*ck.

It gives you easy access to people, often during times when you don’t want it. If you didn’t set up the call, you can’t control who is in the room. This is a problem for the control freak in me, that likes to have a say in EVERYTHING. However, it does let you hear someones vocal intonation when they say certain things, and it’s all in the tone of voice.

Skype should only used for watching Football and Award Shows. Anything other than that is just TROUBLE waiting to happen. I swear, all this internet stuff is making me forget I Don’t Like People!

RNS #63: BBM = Text Messaging for the Young ProfessionalI have 63 BBM contacts. I talk to 10 of them on a fairly frequent basis. Some are family, some are friends, some are Blue People, but most are Twitter/Skype/FB contacts that I added to feel important. Do you really HAVE to be friends with me on every Social Network available? I will say, BBM does allow you to know if/when people actually received your message, thus allowing you to hold them accountable for answering your message.

BlackBerries were originally made for Business Men and Women, who needed a way to take their office with them everywhere. This is why, when I woke up at 4:00am to get my BlackBerry Storm on November 16th, 2008, the only people out there with me were 40+ business men. I do know people who use their BlackBerries for work, but how many people have them just because? Must everything be a popularity contest?

Why did BBM have to come up with Groups? It’s just another way that people can communicate when they are supposed to be working. I am so much more productive when I don’t have access to the InterWeb and/or My Phone is dying.

RNS #64: The Tweets is Watching = Private ain’t Really PrivateI LOVE TWITTER. I have been cheating on FB w/ Twitter for sometime now. Twitter is like FB on Speed. You have 140 characters or less to say what you need to say. Get in, get out, or STFU. But, just like FB/Skype/BBM people are watching you. Even if you have a private profile, once someone RT’s a comment you made and they DON’T have a private profile, your information is still out there. #Follow Friday’s alone almost got me fired a FEW times.

I have a Twitter Persona. Hell, everyone has a Twitter Persona or a FB Persona or an Internet Persona (Atom Kane & Lauren George anyone) Having to remember who I am, where, is stressful as hell. Then the Twitter Friends start talking to the Skype Friends, who all have BBM so they join the BBM Skype Group, and they all have Facebook.

RNS #65: I Like My Friends Where They Are, Stop Trying to Bring Them Together.

I don’t like my friends to mesh. It’s a fact, everyone who has known me for a while knows this. The reason I don’t like friends to mesh is simple: Everyone doesn’t have to part of my life, in every way shape or form. I have a very diverse group of friends, and I am quite sure they could probably all get along quite well.

Example  A) I have a large population of Pale Friends, and my pale friends LOVE me. But they love the me that has adapted herself to making them comfortable. My vocal range changes, I am a tad bit less hood, and they are comfortable. This is not to say I’m a poser, or they are actually racist, but they have a vision of me that makes them comfortable, and I like to keep it that way

Example  B) I’m a Black Greek. When I hang with Black Greeks, we all have a certain mindset. If/When my other friends are around us, and we are discussing Black Greek things, they have told me it makes them feel left out. So I don’t publicize my Zeta-Ness.

Example  C) MY FAMILY IS ON FACEBOOK! Thus, I can’t act a complete and utter ass. I have a very ethnically diverse family, me using the NWord might offend them. I can’t just curse all willy nilly, because my Big Sister LaRita will yell at me (Deference FTMFW).

TOO MUCH NETWORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what have I learned so far in 2010 . . . Keep it to a minimum. I caused my problem, I accept that. I gave too many people access, when I should have made SURE that I didn’t let people cross my lines.

So, my new Rule:

If we are friends on more than 3 Social Networking Mediums . . . You better be my Best Friend, My Man, Family, VIP or working your way to those Titles.

The Great UnFollow has already begun, with more to come in the very near future. Because I value my Sanity . . . and my Friends.

Thoughts/Comments/Concerns?

Confessions of a Single Black Female Volume 8: The Definition of a Heaux – A Tutorial

I have been formulating this note for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when my darling Brother in Blue, Esoteric Eric wrote my note!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Click here for his note<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

No Promo

Of course, his Note is from the Male Perspective. But it’s important to have two different views on the same subject. This blog was originally going to be written after I realized that the size of my breasts made certain people think I was easy. Then I was going to write it when a guy approached me in the club and said I was sexy, “For a Biggun.” Both time, I wasn’t able to be objective. However, since my move to the desolate wasteland that is 11 months without appropriate male contact, I am more than able to state my thoughts on the subject. {The Globetrotter doesn’t count folks, it was soooooo wrong}

To Heaux or not To Heaux, That is the Question

For starters, there are many different kinds of heauxs. We use the spelling Heaux to make it seem a tab bit more elegant, but we mean Hoe, Ho’, and all other variations of that word. Today, we are going to touch on 5 different types of Heauxs. While my opinion might differ from yours, these findings are based on years of observation and interaction with Heauxs. Keep in mind, Heauxs are EVERYWHERE. The first Heaux we are going to tackle, The Club Heaux.

The Club Heaux The Club Heaux is a myth. She presents herself as put together, and about her business. But her only business is making sure she can get a man, or your man, to take care of her. She will never buy a drink for herself, never cook you a meal, never pay to get into the club. But, she does have a Phat Ass. She knows all the bartenders, bouncers, and DJ’s. She always has a free ticket to every sporting event, and can give you a list of famous and infamous people she has been with.

Strengths: Wearing Clothes but looking Naked, Drinking whole bottles of Moscato in less than 5 minutes, Swallowing an entire Sprite Can.

Weaknesses: Can’t keep a Job, Will take your Man, Will take your Girl, Thinks she’s a model

Role Models: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Tila Tequilla

All Hail the Queen

The Aging HeauxThe Aging Heaux is a bit of a puzzle. Back in the day, she was the best of the Club Heauxs. But 30 came and went, and she had to take her game to a different level. This is the Heaux who realized that you have to find security, you can’t just go from man to man. Her new target, Club OWNERS, Plant Workers, Sports Players. Because the random dude in the club isn’t going to pay for those $1500 weaves she has to buy because her hair is thinning. The Aging Heaux has different priorities. She needs a stable care-giver, not a fly by night type of lover. She has bills, and most likely children that need to be taken care of. She only hits the club scene for special events. She instead hits the Fireman’s Balls, the Undertaker’s Conventions, and the Policeman’s Yearly Fundraiser. Because a Pension trumps that $100 she paid for that ticket.

Strengths: Street Smart, Owns at least one formal piece of clothing. Can talk her way into almost anything

Weaknesses: Her Credit, Her Saggy Breasts, Her Shady Baby’s Father

Role Models: TMS, Tyra Banks, Vivica {The Queen of the Aging Heauxs)

Really? Hottest Rapper Out Right Now?

The Young HeauxThe Young Heaux is new to the scene. She may not even be out of high school yet, but she is honing her Heaux-Like skills already. The Young Heaux is often times mistaken for The Misguided Heaux { more on her later} but TYH knows exactly what she is doing. Her plan, to be as popular as possible as quickly as possible. If she has to be involved in a Circle Jerk with the entire Basketball Team, so be it. But at least they will know her name. In the mind of the Young Heaux, Any Publicity is Good Publicity is Good Publicity. She has a part time job, to keep herself in the the latest gear, because she hasn’t figured out how to make someone pay for it – yet. The Young Heaux WILL turn into a Club Heaux without proper intervention.

Strengths: Still in school even though she skips class 50% of the time, Knows the Value of Hard Work {in various forms}, Can still be Saved

Weaknesses: No Guidance, Sexual inexperience, doesn’t know the definition of a Lady

Role Models: Nicky Minaj

Please watch Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew on VH1

The Misguided HeauxThe Misguided Heaux is a lost lil’ lamb. She doesn’t always know why she is acting like a Heaux, it just happens. Often times, the Misguided Heaux has some kind of severe sexual trauma in her part {known or unknown} and this severely damages who they are. Their entire sexual make-up is changed. The Misguided Heaux seeks affection from whoever is closest to her. She acts out sexually, is often times judgmental and critical of others, even if they are exhibiting the exact same behavior she is. The root of her Heaux status is not the need to be promiscuous, but the need for attention, affection, and acceptance.

Strengths: Actually knows she needs help, Can Function Normally sometimes

Weaknesses: Low Self Esteem, Denial, Guilt, Cyclical Behavior

Role Models: None

You Mad Huh?

The Heaux that Took Your ManThe Heaux that Took Your Man is a foul bitch, huh? She just stole him right out of your hands!?! You were blindsided by that Heaux! Or, did she take your man because you couldn’t hold on to him? The Heaux that Took Your Man, isn’t really a Heaux at all. She just did something that you couldn’t. You could actually learn something from the Heaux that Took Your Man. Something about her worked, while something about you didn’t. No, Confessions of a Single Black Female, doesn’t condone Man Stealing Heauxs. We do, however, understand that The Heaux that Took Your Man, works harder than you. She was on her GRIND. She saw your man, saw his untapped potential, and got in where the F*ck she fit in!

Strengths: Smarter Than You, Hard-working, Goal Oriented, A Real Go-Getter

Weaknesses: Makes bad Relationship Choices, Does not understand the 80/20 Rule, Low Self Esteem, Has Tunnel Vision

Role Models: Alicia Keys, Denise Richards, Rocsi from 106 and Park, Angelina Jolie, that Chick that had John Edward’s Baby, etc

She was the Main Heaux, if you know your D-Town History. Carlotta was really the Heaux that Took Her Man . . .

The Heauxfessional

Lest we not forget, the greatest Heaux of them all, the Heauxfessional. She got her Job, being a good Heaux. The Heauxfessional has brains, and beauty, and drive. She is the amalgamation of all things Heaux. Often times, she turns into the Heaux that Took Your Man. She is in a high level position, and is known in certain circles as the premier Heauxfessional. She’s good at her job, that is how she keeps it. The problem with the Heauxfessional, she often times talks to friends, and messes it up for herself, and everyone around her. Be careful of the Heauxfessional, she can ruin your life.

Best Places to Find a Heaux-Fessional: The Detroit Yacht Club, Sorority Fundraisers, Fraternity Fundraisers, any Black Tie Event {$100 ticket or more} Washington D.C., New York City, Detroit

Strengths: Business Savvy, Always in the Right Place at the Right Time, Well Connected

Weaknesses: Her hatin’ ass Best Friend, Kym Worthy, Her Big Mouth

Role Models: Christine Beatty, Monica Conyers, Monica Lewinski, the guy that outted Governor McGreevy

We at Confessions of a Single Black Female hope this tutorial helped you to properly identify the Heauxs around you. Maybe reading this will lead you to help a Young or Misguided Heaux. Maybe it help to Identify yourself, as an Aging or a Club Heaux. We at Confessions of a Single Black Female are here to help you!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? All are Welcomed and Appreciated

Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 7: Why I Love Black Men

You can NOT deny this man’s Swag!

If you knew me in college, this title has already thrown you off. Because you probably remember the day I skipped all my classes my Sophomore Year to sit in Kennedy Union to stick up for my statement, “There is a 30% chance that I will marry a Black Man. They aren’t even what I’m attracted to.” Yes, I made that statement. I meant that shit. That statement made it to all the black people on my Predominately White Campus is less than an hour. Keep in Mind, this was the year 2000 . . . No Twitter, no Facebook, no MySpace, just phones and text messaging. I was in KU for about 5 hours, and the discussion was intense! I lost the respect of a few people that day, and I don’t know If i ever got it back. Nine years later*, what has changed?

Captain Save This Heaux 

My environment. I was raised around the Pale People, went to school with them, shopped in their areas, pretty much spent my time with them. So you like what you KNOW. Yeah, our house was in Detroit until I was 14, but I didn’t do anything at my house. The only people I played with on my street were family, literally. So when college was over, after The One that Got Away broke my lil heart, I exposed myself to more black folks, in the hopes of finding his replacement. Don’t Judge, you’ve done it too. So now, my Ode to the Black Men I Know, Love, and Appreciate. (This might not be for those under the age of 18, Thought I would put that out there)

We’ve since learned this man is an idiot … But that Smile is still legendary.

Confession #29: White Teeth + Black Man’s Smile = Heaven On Earth
There is a reason Taye Diggs is one of the most popular black actors, and was cast in like every other movie in the later 90’s and early 00’s. It’s not his superb acting ability. It’s the scene in “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” when he’s walking around the corner, and see’s Stella, and had that beautiful smile on his face. Lord Jesus, I just lightweight shivered thinking about it. 

A well kept black man’s mouth makes you want to just grab his face and thoroughly investigate the nooks and crannies . . . with your tongue. Or is that just me? Did I go too far? Does it matter, this is my note. I can say what I want. White Teeth set me off . . . they do! Also, men, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep your facial hair tight. If you have discovered you get more attention with facial hair, don’t shave it off. Because the same women who liked you with facial hair, don’t like looking at you now. It’s weird. The proper Goatee/chin strap/Beard can get the BUSINESS. Have Beautiful Teeth too . . . .OVER!

Whew Jesus This Man is Fine!

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Confession #30: A Bald Head on a Black Man Begs to be Grabbed
That visual you just got . . . Yeah Buddy! Something about a bald head on a black man. Especially a dark Skinned Black Man, whew! Just smooth and round and pretty. Let me focus before I make some phone calls. There is a draw back to this one ladies. Those men that have Bumpy Lumpy Weird Shaped heads. Know your strengths men, honestly. Every man doesn’t look good with a bald head. Take Ne-Yo for example. If that negro had taken that hat off one more time on the Coon Awards, I would have had to vomit. That isn’t sexy, put your M’Fin hat back on boy! That is why you wear them. But know that, when the right man has the RIGHT shaped head, and keeps it looking right and not scruffy . . . GRRRRRRRRRRR!

Classy Woke Bae

Confession #31: Ain’t Nothin’ Better than a Black Man in a Suit
I was in the airport on my way back to the Black Man’s Barren Wasteland that is Tucson Arizona, and I almost got beat up in the airport. In front of me in line was the most beautiful black man I had ever seen. He must have been on his way to or from a meeting. It’s 9 in the morning, he had on a 3-piece, Italian Cut, Black with Gray Pinstripes suit. And on his feet, the non-ghetto Stacy Adams, yes I do know mens shoes. The Lady Behind me was Arabic, and I heard her say, GOT Damn! I turned around and said, I AGREE! Living out here, you don’t see that much, but that mental picture stays with me. A Black man in a Suit is kryptonite for me. He could be ugly as hell, but that suit, if it fits right, might give him a pass . . .

Confession #32: Ain’t Nothing Sexier than Sex with a Black Man
Not the 26 year old Virgin is making a statement! But Y”ll know it’s true. Not just because they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, but their level of concentration (in the Important moments) is infinite. It’s really not fair that I say this, due to the fact that I haven’t had sex with people other than Black Men, but still. {Seven Years after writing this, and having . . . expanded my horizons racially, this is indeed FACT.}

I have fooled around with a Rainbow Coalition of Men, and the difference is PALPABLE. It just is. I’m going to end this one just like that, because I do have Family on FB . . .

The AUTONOMOUS Alpha Beta Mu Chapter of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. 

Confession #33: Black Greek Men are in a World of their Own
My Girls already know, and I am willing to admit. I have never talked to a Black Man who wasn’t Greek. No, I’m not a groupie (unless they are Que, then the jury is still out) but It’s just something about a Black Greek Man who knows how to handle his business. He has his priorities in order, knows what his goals are, and then pursues it. Not all Black Greek Men are like this, but the ones that I find attractive are. I will admit, I was sucked into the Matrix on this one. Two dudes, same qualifications and looks. If one is Greek, I will choose him, and often times not even know he’s Greek. It comes up later.

 

Without Fail, every Black man I have been attracted to*, Stalked, or Tried to Holla at was Greek. Even more sad, I can usually look at a group of Black Men and tell you what Org they belong to. I have only been wrong once, and that wasn’t my fault. When have YOU ever seen a Kappa with Dreads down to his ass???!!!???? Considering I didn’t start “dating” Until I turned 18, and I was already a Zeta by then, I guess I was going for what I knew. Yes, there are beautiful black men who aren’t Greek (Crank that Barack Obama) but the Greek World is small, and since dudes use it as a dating pool, why shouldn’t we?

 

Let me Steal Your Soul

This Note turned out differently than I thought it was going to, LOL. There are more reasons that I love the Black Man, but evidently I had to explain why I am Attracted to them. Yes, the reasons I have listed might seem superficial, but if they don’t meet these requirements, they won’t ever get to the Getting to Know You Phase, where the benchmarks are much more stringent. Just like men tell women all the time, you are nice just not my type . . . I know my type. I LOVE my Type. I’ve noticed that the past often dictates the future. You find one person that ISN’T your type, and they treat you right, they become your type. You are always going to look for someone who reminds you of that person, whether you know it or not.

*I wrote this 7 years ago, and I was in a CRAZY place in my life.  I’m really glad to know, my views on black men haven’t changed.  They’ve actually just become more beautiful in my eyes.  That Que statement . . . I had a Groupie Phase, not even gonna lie.

Why do People think Stalking is such a Bag thing?

I mean really, if you think about it, it’s like the greatest form of flattery there is.  Someone cares enough about you to stalk you, that’s love right there!  First, for those who don’t know, allow me to define stalking.

Stalking is not defined as hiding in a bush, and climbing an apartment building, and following a person wherever they go.  That is just damn CRAZY! That is not what the true definition of stalking is.

Stalking is the admiration of a person from afar (or in some cases very near).  It involves gathering information about that person, that they might not know you have. Not crazy shit like their 3rd grade teacher’s name or something, but information that will further your cause of making that person fall deeply in love with you.  Stalking is not about, “YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME.” Stalking is guiding that person into the realization that they can’t live without you.  It involves finesse of any situation you might find yourself in, however awkward it may be.

Maybe you happened to be at the same movie theatre this person was at, because you overheard him talking to someone at work about going to see a certain movie.  Now the Crazy Stalker says, “I wanna go with you! I LOVE Johnny Depp.” That is not what the true stalker does.  What you do is, just happen to be there, so it seems as though you have multiple common interests.  You have to be subtle to make this stalking thing work.  It’s an art,  you have to work on your craft, perfect it, tweak it to fit you.

Some stalkers have certain websites they use to gather information.  As long as the person you are stalking NEVER knows what website you use, life is great.  Some people, like me, don’t even have to use websites anymore.  I could get info an any potential stalkee, in under 12 hours.  I could get best friends names, work history, phone numbers, etc. Just by talking to that person.  Conversation is the Stalkers best defense.  If you can converse intelligently, or even flirt well, you can get everything you need to figure out if this person is even worth stalking in the first place.

Because you might meet a person, and think they are stalk worthy.  But 4 minutes into the conversation, you realize they are an ass, and you need not waste your time.  Cuz’ it’s like the worst thing ever, to stalk someone, and think they are going to be a great person, and they turn out to be a COMPLETE ASS! (Yeah, that story will be in my book)

But I can’t share all my secrets.  I am holding sessions over the phone, for those who want to learn more about the Art of Stalking.  Classes are $19.95 per session, Hour Long, but well worth the time and money.  We accept cash, check, and money order.  The checks MUST be certified, cuz we all try to pass off rubber checks now and then.  Hit a sista up if you need to . . .

Love Ya!