2011 in Review: The World of @ImNotAJeaux

Last year, I created a list of quotes on my FB Page, based on things I had seen/heard/done. I obviously stole the idea from my Frat Brother Kevin, but I still did it.  This year, instead of quotes, I am going to list the Tweets that I Favorited this year. As with the quotes, no names will be posted (Unless I said It, or it was a response to a Celeb), just the tweets.  It’s up to you to guess who said it, and in what context.  Enjoy!

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Word of the year from my dad: It’s not about gettin your Dick of Coochie on.  Get yourself in order

You ever be on Wikipedia and see a dudes name and be like, “Damn I’ve seen that nigga naked?” Yeah, Me neither . . . 0_o

Listening to John Cry Baby Boenher’s Speech . . . It sounds like, “Blah blah blah, defeat the nigger.  Blah Blah Blah, kick his ass”

RT @Tyrese Food is todays crack heroin&every other drug out there. There is NO DIFFERENT when you can’t STOP YOURSELF • ur Retard is showing

If I ever go to the clink, fuck Jordans and Magazines, BTICH SEND ME SOME OLAY. With the Body Butter ribbons

Dear Airport workers. I’m fat. You have Body Scan . . . Sorry. BWHAHAHAHA

I just farted in the line at the grocery store. Old white dude standin behind me.  Gonna do it again

Her: I’ve on fuzzy socks, sweatpants, nite shirt, hoodie, throw blanket, and a comforter & I’m still cold Me: bitch, U have Herpes her: Oh ok

I’m not a whore, I just have a friendly Pussy

I was thinking of faking being a douche to trick a female into liking me. But then she’d leave once I held the door for her.

 

Kid1: Who is this singing? Me: TLC Kid2: The Learning Channel has a singing group? Me: Son of a gotdammit…just fuck

Then again . . . this is Twitter. Where I’m either preaching tot he choir or offending people

That’s because you work with nigger babies. I have Caucasian and Hispanic Children, half of them don’t understand slang

Hell, fuck a Senator. I’m just glad I’m a fat black lady. I got that “Mammy Safe Chest” thing going, it keeps me safe.

Once you go black . . . you’re a single mom.

Don’t be made at me and her.  Shoulda joined a sorority that gave u a backbone instead of feeding you neckbones -_-

Dear Koolaid, How does it feel to the official drink of an Entire Nationality.  Black People thank you. Sincerely, Me

Clearly y’all (The Zetas) need to recruit the First Lady, u know cuz she’s big on getting rid of Obesity Me:BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The front-facing camera may well be the end of ugly chicks gettin play off their phone voice.

Waiting for the announcement of the Breezy/Bieber tour w/ Special Guests Jaden & Willow Smith….. I would buy tickets, iWould #TeamBreezy

Far East Movement: the only music group withOUT groupies cuz of the Dick Rumors

Her: u hate him why Me: He kicked her dog! No one deserves to get beat unless their name is Rihanna, but who is kicking dogs tho Her: IHateU

Him: Do we call White Jesus on the mainline, Or is that black Jesus Me: indian Jesus  answers the mainline, outsourcing

$5 on Ciara because Ms. Island crazy is all talk, but clearly got her ass beat by a dude driving a stick shift • #SheGetsMe

RiRi probably said the same shyt before Breezy rearranged her face… #imjussayin • EXACTLY. I stay tellin folk she provoked

Obviously, Rihanna can take a beating and keep on ticking so…… • You Ain’t Shit At All

RT @rihanna Ciara baby, I love u girl! U hurt my feelings real bad on TV! I’m heartbroken! That’s y I retaliated this way!• #SheAintShit

And the war of SubPar singers just got deeper….Beyonce is drinking melted gold with Gwenyth singing Fuck You with Jigga and Chris laughing

If @rihanna & @Ciara really do fight it better be in baby oil & cost $12.99 for 3 hrs. Other than that they both can STFU (it needs 2Happen)

RT @ciara Rhi u know its always been love since day 1! Apology accepted. Let’s chat in person • you dumb bitch. She was being SARCASTIC

I know we all have our issues….but twitter is NOT the place to beg your parents/Significant Others/Friends to love you. Get A Blog.

Adele is like, i’m fat & redheaded & i smoke & i wear side ponytails & bitch you will bow to my musical flawlessness • THIS

Bitches get sensitive about dumb inconsequential shit. I feel like saying, Shut Up Heaux, he just said Hi

Months? You bleed for months.. and don’t die? #WolverineTweet • Im what u call a strong heaux

RT @OMGFacts Lady Gaga wrote her new single “Born This Way” in ten minutes!. • yeah, we could tell…

I like to imagine that pretty women don’t take shits. They excrete sunshine, blueberry muffins, and good credit.

I don’t understand how Nate Dogg didn’t have money for his funeral? Holdddd up. Waiiiiiiiiiiit….

Dear Dwayne, Seriously, I just wanna lick your tattoos. Twice. And maybe call u Daddy. But that’s it. Sincerely, A Fan.

Oh. Yeah. He’s got the opposite of the jungle fever – uhh…the cul-de-sac cold? • #HeAintShyt but iLaughed..

#Random I feel like horn players probably give REALLY good head. Like good breathing control, lip and tongue control…I’m probably right

Can’t keep up w/ u & ur nicknames & acronyms, that’s like keeping up with the latest nigger words for “Dressed quite spiffy”

FOX News gone be like, “This has nothing to do with Pres Obama, he died of Kidney Failure.” – Thanks to @Luvvieig I was twitter famous for hours for this one!

I just realized I have no clue about negro “holidays”. Do we barbecue on Juneteenth? Do we get tested for Diabetes on Sweetest Day?

So Cinco de May is like Juneteenth for those spicy people, no??

Its not secret RT @ImNotAJeaux Why is LeBron almost as much of a Bitch as Kobe. Is there a secret Bitch Basketball Players club?

Shit said over the phone: I’ve had many a dick in my mouth

Men my age think their girlfriend should be a Heauxtrepreneur. A heaux in the bedroom, & an independent women everywhere else

If I point out a character flaw in u, its cuz U don’t seem 2 kno its there. I kno I’m fucked up. This is how I’m superior.

I don’t even know Ebe, but my credit score dropped 6 points just typing her name

You Bear In The Big Blue House looking, Avon makeup wearing, wet, wild and willy looking BITCH.

For all yall Captain Save a Clown Face Hoe.. Notice the person cunt punting Ebe’s hijab aint got SHIT to do with FGS..

If this is a ploy to get me to spend more money on extra sauces, yall can get the McFuck outta here wit that @McDonalds.

#Fact I predict baby Jayoncé will be born sometime between January 4th and February 4th. Also, its twins. Jayoncé and Beyen. #MarkMyWords

Floyd might be an asshole…but I wanna lick his teeth tho. They so pretty.

Don’t judge me. His teeth look like they taste like Wintergreen and Wealth.

Ray J will get arrested on a weapons charge within 3 months….favorite this

Me: Oral sex in moving vehicle is the reason our economy has collapsed Him: ?? Me: Cuz the need to have that happen on a regular basis is why white men got greedy.

Her: Clearly you’re smarter than the average….Zeta. Me: You could have said Bear, as those words are synonymous Her & Me: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fat girls be having such pretty faces and awesome personalities• u forgot huge boobs and well lubricated vaginas

that’s right, you speak Oklahoma Negro. Lemme try again: gunshot, tornado, tumbleweed rustle, gunshot, icebox, intolerance.

Otis is SUCH a bitch Made NIGGA. LIKE REALLY THE BIGGEST BITCH EVER. YES. YOU, ARE A BITCH. SERIOUSLY. A BITCH.

You better get you a jaded older woman with a career, at least 4 digits before the decimal point each check, and a high libido.

Justin Beiber is 2 years away from neck tattoos, domestic abuse, and possession charges…favorite this tweet

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Yes, that was My Year, in Tweets.  The Introspective Blog is coming . . . I Just Needed a Laugh for right now!

Black Girl Pain – My Lifelong Struggle with Depression

*The underlined words are companion pieces to this blog. They are Blogs I’ve written in the past dealing with Depression. Please check those out as well*

The first thing that must be said, Depression is real.  It’s an actual disease, that is affecting more and more young people.  The first time Depression entered my life, was just after my first break-up. I had lived my life, knowing that A Piece of Me was Missing, but not being sure if it was ever going to exist.  Suddenly, I met this person that made that all go away.  Then, after one argument, it was all over.  That happy place was shattered into a billion pieces.  I couldn’t explain that feeling to anyone, I just had to wake up everyday and face the fact that the thing that made me happier than I ever thought I could be was gone, and I didn’t ever see it coming back.

Honestly, I thought I was tired. It just made no sense to me to wake up and face classes, friends, life. My bed was just so much more comfortable.  I stopped going to classes, because when I was there, I wasn’t paying attention to what the teachers were saying anyway.  So why go to sleep in class, when my bed was right there?  I left my dorm every night at 6:oo pm for dinner with the Crew, then went right back to my room to sleep some more.  I honestly don’t know how no one noticed.  I did the bare minimum, for at least 6 months. At the end of that semester, my GPA was a 1.1427. Do you know how many classes you have to fail to get that GPA? 3, and get 2 D’s, and an A in choir.

My 3.7 GPA freshman year is the ONLY thing that kept me enrolled in the University of Dayton. I went from the 3.7 to a 2.0. Academic Probation was 1.9, I JUST made it.  I knew something had to change.  I was losing roommates, and friends because of my attitude and I really didn’t care.  One day, when I couldn’t stand to be in my room another minute, I went into the study carrols to write in my journal, and as I was writing, I noticed that I couldn’t breathe.  I fell to the floor, crying so loud the people in the dorm next door came to see what was wrong.  I cried for 45 minutes, listening to Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”.

I picked myself up off the floor, walked back to my room and swore to myself I would never let someone hurt me like that again. 2 years later, during a road trip with a Soror of mine, we were talking about relationships and how they can change the course of your life.  I told her the story of my “Celine Dion Breakthrough.” She looked me straight to my face and said to me, “You know that was depression, right?” I actually said to her, “Black People don’t get depressed, We don’t have time.” But once we started talking about everything else that was going on with me at that time, I started to think that maybe she was right.

I went to the Student Center, and talked to someone about what had happened, and they confirmed that yes, I had been suffering from Depression.  So it had a name, that overwhelming feeling of nothingness.  The thought that all my actions are leading me to a place that doesn’t matter.  The need to just be in my bed, under the covers, watching every movie I own.  When you hear about Depression, you never hear about that part.  You see that ladies surrounded by boxes of tissue, with runny noses, eating ice cream. The face of Depression is usually a White one.

Today, I had a conversation with my mother about Depression, and her realization that it might be a family issue.  I’ve only been in the “Celine Dion” Place one other time, and that was when I first moved to AZ. My mother knew, I think she could tell.  Usually, when I get near to that place she’s the first person to see it now.  When I was at school, no one understood what the hell had caused me to change that much, and no one ever said to me, “Maybe you’re Depressed.” It wasn’t a thought.

Because Black women don’t deal with Depression.  We don’t acknowledge it.  We really don’t even know what it is.  It’s the been labeled, “Some other shit that I need to deal with,” or “I was just having an off week,” or “It’s too cold to leave the house,” or “I’ll just go to work tomorrow.” It’s hard to put a name to something you don’t understand, know how to acknowledge, or sometimes want to.

Depression is the festering sore that picks at the psyche of Beautiful Women, until they can’t take it anymore, and you get a phone call asking if you have heard from So & So in a week?  Depression is one traumatic event after another, pulling you into an abyss that you can’t navigate.  Depression is “I’m just not good enough,” & “Why won’t someone love me,” & “Why don’t people see/hear/listen to/understand me?” Depression is sleeping the whole day and finding yourself buried in 18 months worth of bills. Depression is struggling to face everyday at work without bursting into tears.  Depression is hiding in your closet listening to Purple Rain at 5 in the morning.

Depression is a battle that some of my friends are losing.  Because we DON”T talk about it. We don’t want anyone to see that we don’t have a handle on this problem.  We, as Black Women, have so MUCH stuff to deal with, that we don’t have time to take care of our mental health.  But if we don’t talk about it, we are going to continue to lose ourselves.  In bad choices, and bad relationships, and situations that put our health/life at risk.  We will continue to lose ourselves to drugs, and liquor, and sex, and cutting, and suicide attempts, and everything else that comes from holding the pain inside.

I’m not in a bad place.  I’m actually in a great place right now.  But there might be someone who needs to know they aren’t alone.  Who feels like they can’t make it one more day.  This is for you.  To let you know that you can make it, as long as you acknowledge that you are having a problem in the first place. You are not ALONE in your fight.  Find someone to talk to, even if it’s a stranger.  Figure out the ROOT of your issue, and if you don’t know how {because you don’t watch Oprah and Dr. Phil enough} ASK FOR HELP. It’s only a secret if you hide from it. Depression don’t HAVE to be the end, it can be the beginning.

Once you can acknowledge the issues . . . You can start working on Filling the Gap/Closing the Gap.

To the Men of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc . . .

9+ Years ago, I became part of something I didn’t understand. Oh, I knew my history, and thought it was really cool that we had “Official” Brothers. The Only Child in me was happy to have Sisters. The Brothers just seemed to be an added bonus. Little did I know that 9+ years later, it would be these “Official” Brothers who taught me what family really is . . .

What My Brothers Mean to Me . . .
Originally Written BY ME in 2001

P – is for the Passion know one else knows,
H – is for the Honor no one else shows.
I – is for Intelligence and Integrity, characteristics you hold true,

B – is for the Bond we share, Pure White and Royal Blue.
E – is for Everlasting, a family that will never die,
T – is for Timeless, the love for a Zeta in a Sigma’s eye.
A – is for Abundant, there are numerous Sigmas in every state,

S – is for SEXY, every female can relate!
I – is for Insatiable, their thirst for knowledge is never quenched,
G – is for Gaining new heights, while others miss by much more than an INCH.
M – is for Masterful, taking charge of all things you pursue,
A– is for Amazing, you make me proud I belong to the White and Blue.

*To the Men of ROTS: You three are my brothers from 3 different mothers. Ya’ll have have my back since day one. From keeping me company during times of crisis, to making me smile when I’m having a bad day, Ya’ll are the Epitome of Brotherhood. I Love You Zai, Corb, and LeRoy.

*To the Ohio Sigmas: You spoiled me, I thought Sigmas showed love like that everywhere. I’m so glad I know ya’ll. And I must say, Ohio does have some of the Finest Sigmas in the World.

*To the Michigan Sigmas: I made friends with ya’ll before I met some of the Michigan Sorors. You welcomed me home with open arms, and I love you for it! Special Shout Out to those Capricorn Sigmas!

*To the VIP Sigmas: Ya’ll are stupid . . . but I love you anyway!

*To the BlackPlanet Sigmas: It’s how I knew that Sigma’s everywhere were freakin’ AWESOME. Special Shout Out to Michael Hardy aka Milkdud who married one of my Neo’s. Gotta Love that BP Connection.

*To Every Sigma I Have Ever Encountered: I Love My Brothers!

Introducing the Triad – Aaliyah

It took me a while to write this, becuz I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase how I feel about her.  She inspires me to be a better person.  To be more conscious of the world around me, and what being a member of that world truly means.

She’s one of those really deep people, you know.  Like understands the underground movements of the world, and i truly knows herself.  One thing I must say about her, is there was never a time when i thought, that child is so confused.  There were times when i thought she was crazy, but never confused, lol.

But in this rather short blog, I must say this, I love her.  I am so glad that MySpace brought us back together.  With all the drama, and love, and tears, I am glad i have her back.  And i hope she never leaves!

I’m talking about Ms. Asadi, future revolutionary, and my lil’ sis.  From the day I adopted her on UD’s campus, my life has been more interesting, fun, and different!  I love you Lil’ Sis.  Never Change, and remain UnBreakable!

Life Observations based on my Trip to Miami

• It is still very awkward to be walking out of an elevator in a halter top and 3 inch wedge heels at 6 in the morning, even if you are a grown ass woman on vacation. Especially if the person who says good morning to you in a 50+ white man with a handle bar mustasche. That trip from the elevator to your room still feels like the walk of shame . . .
• ..   It’s finally okay to not hate the girlfriend of your Best Friends little brother. She didn’t know that you had been plotting to marry him since he was 13, and you saw the potential he had. You even waited 2 years to ask his dad if you could marry him, because you could tell that by the time he got out of undergrad, he would be the greatest catch this side of the Miami County. And it’s definitely okay to tell her that you hated her, without ever meeting her because she was the smart one that B. S. said yes to. (Probably because she is so FREAKING AWESOME!)
• ..   Flying into Miami for 3 days is a pain in the ass. The only flight that leaves Detroit to get there leaves at 9, so you don’t get into MIA until midnight (if your flight isn’t late) and to get home, you have to be at the airport at 4 in the gosh darn morning, even though the bag check and the security points don’t open until 5. Yeah, there was a lot of waiting around while I was still in my pajamas.
• ..   Ft. Laurderdale is NOT close to Miami. That 30 exit difference between the hotel and ANYWHERE we were supposed to be was a BITCH. And Gas went from 3.59 a gallon to 3.89 a gallon every 15 minutes. But you gotta love the Ford Escape that will be both me and Clarissa’s next new car/truck. No, I am so serious about that, I shall have that car in 2009, yes yes I will!
• ..   The Hilton Discount is the SHIT, and Stacey is so friggin awesome for setting me up with the bomb ass rate, the week before she left the Hilton Network.
• ..   Miami’s version of Mister Softee is gross, and a friggin Rip Off! And the man in the truck steals money from Little Kids. And B. S. already said that he won’t prosper, so there!
• ..   If you ever want to know, what the PERFECT marriage looks like, take a trip to the Smith household in Cinci. Dee Dee and B. S. should teach classes.
• ..   Hawaii in 2009 is a reality, and the goal is to bring someone of the male persuasion with me, I need to get on that . . . P.S. Yes, I said Hawaii
• ..   Going to UD for my undergrad experience was the smartest decision that I was ever forced to make. And I will be there for my 5 year reunion to see how bad they have screwed the campus up.
• ..   Even if we live hundreds of miles away, real friends don’t expect anything more of you than a night sitting around talking at T.G.I. Fridays until the wait staff got off work, and taking pictures in the parking lot with the Smith Family Blackberry Collection. I might have been converted this weekend, because if I get a Blackberry, I won’t ever have to buy another digital camera again in LIFE. Plus, they kinda just look cool.
• ..   Jasmine Smith is my fashion Role Model. I used to braid her hair for school when she was 7, AND I now pray every night that some of WHATEVER she has rubbed off on me while I was in Miami.
• ..   Allana Destiny Smith is going to be a forced to be reckoned with in 4 years. She and Jasmine will be on billboards everywhere by 2012. You heard it here first!
• ..   Michael and Krist’le Hardy are the world’s funniest couple. They need a show on ABC, because the whole world needs to experience a night in their presence.
• I am really looking forward to seeing all my friends find their happiness in life.  Seeing Shea reach her goals, Clarissa smiling and happy again, Kris happy in love makes me want the same thing.
• Sigma’s from Louisiana are FREAKING awesome. Whether you live there now, or your family originates from there, if you have some LA in you, you are on my list of Favorite People.
• My mom is like the best mother of life of ever! Even when I am having fun in MIA, i missed her.
• Drunk people in the club will never get old.  What get’s old really quickly – ignorant, disrespectful, asshole-type, dumb, harrasing people.  And also, the UD crew are NOT the people to try in the club, cuz even the girls fight.
• My friends are grown ups, and seeing lil kids TRY to be grown proved to me just how grown we are.
• Once you step over that line, and do something you can’t take back, living with the fallout is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And as a grown up, I am learning that everything can’t be solved with a text message, phone call, or really nicely worded voice mail message.
• I am really starting to remember the good and bad that is me.  Mama Joy, the girl in charge of everything, and the one that sometimes sticks her foot in her mouth in front of someone’s mom.  But I still love me, and that is all that matters.
• I am starting to actually like all these ghetto ass, only should be played in the club, makes you wanna grind on the person next to you, horrible name calling, everyone’s ringtone, songs they are playing on the radio.  I never thought that I would have BOTH versions of Plies Bust It Baby on my phone . . . where did all my common sense go?
• And why make a remix to a song, 1 week after the original gets released on the radio – USHER. Even though I love the remix, why not just release 2 songs, and stop changing the format of the song, damn dummie!
• Why is it that Lil’ Wayne makes the most random songs for himself, but his verses on certain songs/remixes are that HOT FIRE?

  I had fun in Miami, and I already know that Hawaii is going to be THAT DEAL!